Songs:
Nicki Minaj - Pills N Potions
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Shay's POV
I drifted into unconsciousness, seemingly floating in space. I felt as though my limbs were completely weightless, and I was free, but then I suddenly couldn't breathe. The familiarity of hands surrounding my throat appeared and my eyes sprung open. He glared back at me, anger written all over his face. Anger and amusement, as his thumbs pressed down harder, cashing me to choke. Not a noise escaped me as I coughed, my windpipe nearly giving way, collapsing beneath the weight of his arms pushing down on his hands.
I lifted my arms to fight but I was lifeless, my limbs suddenly heavy. I couldn't scream for help and I couldn't fight. He looked like a viscous animal, pushing down harder and harder until my head throbbed and I could feel my pulse beating in my forehead.
I wanted to beg him to stop but it never worked before, and it wouldn't now, even if I could speak.
My eyes fluttered and I felt a different kind of unconsciousness beginning to take me away, my breathing completely cut off......
I shot upright so quickly, every blanket on me flew to the end of the bed. In a panic I kicked them away, panting and screaming, feeling claustrophobic. A lamp beside the bed was switched on and Austen sat up, worry in his eyes. He looked scared and confused as he reached to touch my shoulder, but I flinched away, still present in the dream.
"Hey.." He whispered, just as Rory began to cry, surely from me screaming in the middle of the night.
"Are you okay? What was it?"
I broke down into tears immediately, hunching over in bed, wrapping my arms around the very small belly that was growing.
"Oh, Shay..." He whispered, and hesitantly wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I rolled into his side, crying violently, touching my throat with my fingers. It felt so real. Like I was there all over again.
"It's okay. I promise, it's okay. You're safe. You'll always be safe."
But the dream still lingered, and every time my eyes shut in a blink Julien was there again, wrapping his hands around my throat, smacking me across the face, pushing me down to the floor, punching me in the ribs. Anything he had ever done was reappearing again before my eyes and it made me sick to my stomach.
Austen tried his best to comfort me, but I couldn't handle it, couldn't stand to be touched right now. I scrambled out of bed and away from his arms, picking up Rory, and running out of the room. The hall was pitch black as I ran down it, and outside, Rory's cries subsided now that he was in my arms. Usually he wanted down to crawl around now that he was 9 months old, but for whatever reason he was happy to be held right now. And I was happy to hold him.
The moon is shining brightly and not a cloud is in the sky. The air is getting muggier as the months progress on, and it's far too warm, even for my silk pants and light t-shirt. Rory is soaked right through his undershirt, but his legs are bare and he only wears a diaper.
"Shay."
I gasp and spin around, clutching Rory tightly to my chest in protectiveness. Austen stares at me with wide, saddened eyes.
"You're shaking..." He states with fear written all over his face, but when he reaches out to touch me I shrink myself and move back. My foot slips near the top step, and I grab the railing with my free hand to catch myself. Rory clings to me as he begins to cry, my one arm struggling to hold him up. He whimpers "mu mu mu.." repeatedly with his bum rested against my slightly protruding stomach, that seems to be growing a lot faster than my first pregnancy.
"Relax, Shay....you're scaring him."
Austen reaches his hands out, and press myself harder into the railing, my eyes blazing wildly, adjusting to the darkness outdoors. I don't know what had gotten into me, the dream felt too real and it was still imprinted deeply into my mind. "Let me take him.." He whispers calmly, and I realize how crazy I'm being as Rory whimpers again. I hesitantly reach my arms out and hand my baby over to him.
"I'll take him inside." Austen doesn't look at me when he turns away, and I know that he's upset. It wouldn't surprise me if he thought it was something he did, but I didn't have the words to explain. I couldn't tell Niall, someone I loved, so I certainly couldn't tell Austen about my past. It was too difficult to put into words and too painful to have to relive.
Leaning my elbows on the wood railing, I stare out at the dark empty street and sigh. My hand glides hesitantly over my belly, fingers prodding the swollen skin. It was different this time, because I knew what to expect and I knew exactly what was growing inside of me. I could never even think about what I wanted to do the first time I was pregnant, because Rory is the best thing in my life.
Of course it changes things that Niall and I aren't together. Of course it makes it harder that I don't plan on telling him, or ever speaking to him again unless something drastically changes. I could never trust him alone with Rory, let alone his unborn child I was carrying.
I wanted to be sick at the thought of having another tie to him, but at the same time I couldn't regret it. I couldn't regret my last night with him those few months ago. I dreamed about it, about his arms around me, his hands on my skin.
I wanted that feeling again, I wanted to have the warmth of his body surrounding me and his breaths trembling against my neck. It could never be the same with anyone else. Comparable, but not the same. Especially not when we share something together, like Rory, and like the baby growing inside of me. It was a difficult pill to swallow, sure, but it was something I had to live with.
"Hey, Shay.."
I turned around to see Arabella walking out of the porch door, tucking fuzzy blonde hair behind her ears. She sat down on the porch swing, and patted the wood slabs beside her. Slowly, I moved towards the swinging chair and moved down to sit beside her. Fumbling with my fingers, I stared at my feet and bit my lip.
"It was another dream." I cleared my throat, answering the question I knew she was going to ask me before she had the chance to.
"I'm sorry." She touched my shoulder in reassurance and I coughed awkwardly, trying to keep the tears down. I swallowed the god awful lump in my throat and told myself to grow up.
"How's the baby?"
My hand instantly glided over my stomach, feeling the hard skin. "Good." I sighed, still staring downward.
"I really don't want to intrude on your business, Shay..." Arabella began quietly, her words lost in the warm night air. I knew exactly what she was going to say immediately.
"But things are changing, so fast." I could tell she was hesitant, treading around me lightly, like I was going to explode on her at any moment.
"You're pregnant, so everything is more complicated." I stayed quiet, my hands still splayed across my stomach.
"I think you should call Niall."
I continued to stare at the ground, my heart in my throat.
"He'll be angry." I choked out, and my eyes watered. I was afraid. Petrified, really, of his reaction. I hated that I was comparing him suddenly to Julien, but I couldn't help it. My mistakes haunted me, and I knew that if I told Niall he would be unbelievably mad. I knew very specifically what happened when Julien got mad. What if I had pushed Niall to that point too?
"I think he'll be more upset if you continue to keep his children from him."
"Since when did you become so concerned with how Niall felt? You hate him."
Arabella rolls her eyes, and her and I both knew I'm only making excuses.
"He deserves to know that you're carrying his child. And he deserves to see Rory. He messed up with you, he really did." She pauses to look at me, her blue eyes squinted in the slightest frown. "But just because your relationship is over doesn't mean he shouldn't be a part of his kids lives."
If his lifestyle was dangerous, then you're damn right I would keep him away from my children. I would not allow them to be exposed to such vile behaviour and violence, to drinking and sleeping with other women. I didn't want to be that mother that kissed her children goodbye as they ventured off to spend the weekend with their father. No, that wasn't right. I wasn't going to make them go back and fourth between holidays, just so they can watch Niall do whatever it is he does, like get wasted. I didn't want any of the women he would be with in the future around my babies. It was selfish, but I didn't care. They were mine, and yes Niall had helped create his beautiful son, and the baby inside of me, but he gave up the right to take part in their lives when he started drinking, and lying, and putting his hands on me.
I would not let another Julien walk into my life. I would not let Niall's behaviour escalate to the point where maybe his shove would turn into a slap. I wouldn't make my children watch that occur.
No, I would protect them with everything I had and I would ensure they had great lives. I would work to give them everything they needed in life, and I would love them unconditionally until the day I stopped breathing.
A/N: I'm going to be trying to make the chapters longer, so we'll see how that goes.
In the meantime, pleaseeee comment. The last few chapters haven't been getting many :( tell me what you think