Shay's POV
"How am I supposed to tell my mom? What am I supposed to tell her?" I emphasize the 'what' as dramatically as I can whilst being quiet. Austen shrugs, though it's barely noticeable in his laying down position. He faces me on his side, cheek in his palm and lips frowning.
"You're mad at me." I sigh, noticing how utterly silent he's been since we found out this...this...news, hours before. I hadn't started crying again yet, though I trusted that would occur when I had alone time in my morning shower.
"I'm not mad," he breathes deeply, closing his eyes. I reach my hand to him and touch over his knuckles. "I'm just...I don't know, Shay. I'm worried. For you, for me. Where does this whole situation leave me?"
I frown. "What do you mean where does it leave you?"
He looks away from me, staring intently at the pillow like it's something of extreme interest.
"This is another tie you have to him now. Where does that leave me?"
"Don't be ridiculous." I gripped his hand tighter, not liking the places his mind was travelling right now.
"Niall isn't here. You are. And I want you to stay, because..because..well, I don't really know, Austen. I just know that I want you here. With me."
"Okay." He sighs tiredly, and I know he wants to ask me something but he won't. I know he wants to know where we stand. I know that he wants us to be official, he wants us to be together in a way that I no longer trusted from constantly being hurt. I wasn't ready for that, and maybe I'd never be, but having a boyfriend definitely wasn't on top of my priority list right now.
It crossed my mind constantly that maybe I needed to call Niall, to tell him. But I didn't want to. I didn't want him in my life. Any time I had the good thought of thinking he deserves to know, those thoughts are overpowered by the negative. I could do just fine without him. He didn't deserve me, he didn't deserve this family. And I knew in due time I could be happy, and forget about him. I could move on, and I knew he could too.
I stared at Austen as his arm gave way and he dropped noiselessly to the pillow, asleep. His lips pursed and he frowned, but when I yanked the sheets over his shoulders the frown disappeared. I admired his soft dark hair, and the way his arm curled towards his chest. I liked the way his legs always nudged closer to mine when he slept. Yes, yes I could definitely move on.
Niall's POV
"Hi mum." I muttered into the phone, running a hand over my hair. I had lost track how many months it had been. I wasn't even sure what month it was now. It was getting warm, the snow fading away into the mushy grass. Every time another boulder of ice and snow melted, I felt as though she was slipping further away. Disappearing until there was nearly nothing left but the vague memories of her in my mind. I kept them locked away there, thinking about them as often as I could to ensure I didn't forget. But I could never, ever, forget about my son.
"What's the matter, Niall?" Her voice was emotionless, dry. She was devastated over the entire situation with Shay, and it wasn't just me that was suffering. Rory being ripped away from me also resulted in his sudden departure from my family's lives as well. Rory was my parents only grandchild, and they were utterly crushed, so much so that my mum wouldn't speak to me for the longest time, and now, when she did, she sounded distant.
I blinked my eyes closed and sighed, holding my cellphone against my ear and shoulder as I yanked a lighter from my back pocket. I plopped back down on the hard cement step and flicked the flame to life. The end of the cigarette lit brilliantly red and I inhaled deeply.
"I think I'm going to come home." I said after blowing out my first drag. Mum sighed tiredly on the other end, and I could hear her heavy breathing.
"You are home, Niall. New York is home."
"It's not," I argued quickly, feeling my chest tighten, so I forced myself to take another quick drag to give me something else to focus on. "Not without her, it's not."
"You said yourself it was your own fault." Mum snapped, though her voice was still calm and quiet. The woman didn't know how to yell if she tried.
"Gosh Niall, I can't take anymore of this. First you acted out and ended up ruining your football career. Then when you finally meet a wonderful young lady and have a child, my first grandbaby, you do something to jeopardize that. You're father and I are crushed, do you understand that?"
"Please mum. Please, I can't take this." I begged her and angrily threw my cigarette to the ground. I stomped it with my boot and ran a hand through my dirty hair.
"You need to get your life sorted out, Niall."
"I need to come home. I can't stand being here anymore. I can't look at his crib anymore, mum. I can't look at the things Shay left behind. It's killing me."
I itched at the inside of my arm over my coat, digging roughly into the flesh that was tattooed with her name. Another stupid, drunken mistake.
"You need to find her then. You'll always be my son, Niall. But this isn't okay. I won't put up with your irrational behaviour. I know you're still drinking, and I know you've started smoking those god awful cigarettes. Those are big parts of your problem. You need to figure it out on your own."
And then she was gone, hung up on me without saying goodbye. I realized she was angry, but apparently a lot more so than I thought.
I was so sick of it being this way.
Every part of my life now felt like a waste. I didn't know what I was even living for anymore. I was sick of drinking until I blacked out, then waking up and doing it again. I was sick of trying to move on by sleeping with other women that meant nothing to me, that never would mean a thing to me.
I couldn't believe who I was now. What I was now. I had turned myself into a self-destructive monster in her absence and it only seemed to prove to me just how much more I needed her.
I quickly unlocked my phone and redialled the only person I could think to, drumming my knuckles on the cement impatiently as I waited.
He sounded groggy when he answered, and I bit my lip, glancing at the time by pulling my phone from my ear to look at the digital numbers displayed. It was early, for him.
"Sorry to wake you, Zayn." I sighed, rubbing at the stubble on my jaw. He huffed out a grunt and I chuckled, hearing him move around.
"This better be important." He yawned, and I heard the click of a door closing.
"It is. I desperately need your help."
"With?"
I bit my lip again, knowing he wasn't going to like this, but it had to be done.
"I need you to help me find somebody, Zayn."
~
"She's pretty." He said as he stared at the picture of her on the screen of my phone. I rung my hands together and nodded, glancing nervously at the screen.
"Jesse know about her?" He quirked an eyebrow at me and I immediately tensed.
"Yes, he does. He's lucky I don't break his hand for ever touching her."
"Not again...."
I quickly shook my head. "It was nothing like with Chelsea. He just scared her when I wasn't home, I tried to keep them apart but.."
"She seems too good for you already." Zayn cut in, shooting me a glare. I didn't argue because I knew he was right, but that wasn't going to stop me from trying to find her.
"Please Zayn. I need your help."
"After years of not speaking to me, now you need me?" He crossed his arms over his bare chest, staring intently at me over the rims of his glasses. His eyes were intense and dark.
"I'm sorry Zayn. But back then...you and I were on two different pages. You were getting into harder stuff and I didn't want to party so much anymore."
"Now look who has their life together."
I couldn't argue with that either. Zayn had a great paying job, lived in an expensive apartment, and was engaged to be married to the same girl he spent high school and college with. I had stopped talking to him because he was partying too much, and I had plans of getting myself the perfect job, yet here I am, working construction with an ex girlfriend and a son that have vanished on me.
"Can you help me? I don't know who else to go to."
Zayn sighed, and leaned his hands on the counter. I could tell he was contemplating it, and I had even offered to pay, but he just rolled his eyes at that.
"I'll see what I can do. Some people are hard to track though, and if she really didn't want to be found and covered her steps along the way I won't be able to get to her."
"It's worth a try. Please." I begged, feeling a tiny burst of excitement at the fact that finally, I was doing something productive to get her back.
"I'll do everything I can, just because I can see how hard you're trying to find her. She's a lot more than Chelsea ever was, that's for sure."
"Thank you. Fuck, thank you, Zayn."
I shook his hand, and he nodded tiredly, though I had extreme faith in him. If anyone could track her down, Zayn could, with a brain like his and connections like he had, it seemed impossible not to find her.
A/N:
SHITS GONNA GO DOWN
AND ZAYN BABY OMG YES