KABANATA 25.
Reasons.
“MA,”
The woman on a lavender dress slowly turned around. Bakas ang gulat sa mukha ni mama nang makita niya ako. Nabitawan niya pa ang hawak niyang walis tingting at agad na naglakad papalapit saakin. Agad na nanlabo ang paningin ko at nangilid ang luha nang hawakan ni mama ang pisnge ko.
Memories of my childhood suddenly flashed through my mind. The smiling face of my mother who took care of me and raised me. Ang luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan ay nag-unahang tumulo. All these years, I was thinking of a reason why I can’t be fully happy. I have my friends and I’m doing good at school. But now, I realized why.
I was longing for a mother’s touch, my mother’s touch. Kahit na sa’yo na ang lahat ng bagay na hinangad mo, hindi ka tuluyang magiging masaya kung wala ang mga magulang mo. I read on a book before, It’s better to lose an argument than to lose the person. I thought it was just for romantic relationships, that’s why I didn’t believed it before.
Now that I’m here with my mother, I realized that the phrase says a lot, and it was true. It’s better to lose my pride and ego. Who cares about pride and ego anyway? It’s my mother we’re talking about, and I’m not losing her. Not now, not ever.
AFTER THAT crying session on our front yard, pumasok kami sa loob para doon mag-kwentuhan. My mother was looking at me all the time. I find it creepy but I understand. She never saw her only daughter for three years. It was understandable.
Pero ang hindi ko maintindihan ay kung paano naging close agad si mama at Luthor. The great Luthor de Leon immediately befriended my mother for him to make his way to my mom’s kitchen! That guy!
“Ma, dapat hindi mo ‘yan pinabayaan sa kusina. Baka maging makalat ang kusina mo.” Sabi k okay mama habang pinagmamasdan naming si Luthor na magluto sa kusina habang kami naman ni mama ay nasa sala.
Tumawa lang si mama sa sinabi ko. “Hayaan mo na, ‘Nak. Minsan ka lang magdala ng kaibigan dito eh.” My mom being kind-hearted, hinayaan niya lang si Luthor na magkalat sa kusina niya. Pero alam ko naman ang totoong dahilan kung bakit gusto ni Luthor pumunta sa kusina. She wants to give me and my mother time to talk privately.
“Ma,” hindi ako makatingin kay mama. I was playing with my fingers when she looked at me. “Hmm?”
“Ma, I’m sorry for not going home for years.” I said in a low voice. Nahihiya ako sa ginawa ko. Hindi ko dapat ‘yon ginawa kay mama. All she ever did was to love me but I did the opposite. Kahit pa kanina niya pa sinasabi na naiintindihan niya ako, I know what I did was wrong.
“’Nak,” she said softly. “I understand. You we’re a minor when me and your papa separated. Naiintindihan ko na naapektuhan ka rin sa paghihiwalay namin. Iyon ang hindi naming pinag-isipan ng papa mo. We never thought about you when we separated. Masyado naming inisip ang mga sarili namin at hindi inisip na ikaw ang pinakamaaapektuhan.”
“Ma…”
“Your father has been contacting me,” napalingon ako agad kay mama. She smiled at me. “He was asking about you. For the past years, we keep our contact.” I bit my lip. I’ve been a burden to my mother. Alam kong nahihirapan siyang makipag-usap kay papa dahil well… they separated for whatever reason. Tapos ang malamang nagkaka-usap sila dahil sa’kin, it must be hard for my mother.
“Ma, you don’t have to. I mean, I don’t know why you separated. Pero kung nahihirapan kang makipag-usap kay papa, ‘wag mo nang gawin. I will just talk to him.” Mama smiled softly at me and caressed my hair. Adoration and love were visible on her eyes every time she’s looking at me. I can’t believe na natiis ko si mama ng ilang taon.
“I never stopped loving your father, Spica.” Kumunot ang nook o sa sinabi ni mama. I gave her a questioning look but she just smiled softly at me.
“But you separated…” bulong ko pa pero sapat na ang lakas no’n para marinig ni mama. She let out a sigh before lifting my head. Looking at my mother’s eyes, I saw different kinds of emotion. Emotions that I don’t know what to call.
“Naghiwalay kami ng papa mo. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him,” lalong kumunot ang noo ko. I don’t understand. Hindi ba kapag mahal mo ay mananatili ka? Napansin ata ni mama na mas naguluhan ako sa sinabi niya. She pinched my cheek and continued talking.
“Sometimes, you have to be separated to the one you love for you to love them better. Being together doesn’t always mean that you love that person. And being separated doesn’t always mean that you don’t love that person. Me and your father knew long time ago that we love each other, that’s why we have you. But relationships doesn’t only need love.” Slowly, I nodded, understanding my mom.
“A relationship that is not committed to the Lord is a relationship wasted. Your father and I lacked in that department. My Faith outgrew him. While I am loving him with my all, he was struggling on loving me. It was okay with me though. We can work on it but as time goes by, his Faith on the Lord was struggling too. He said; he felt like he was drifting away from the man he used to be.” My mother’s eyes were full of emotions. But I was sure of one thing. He still loves my father.
“I don’t understand it before. I don’t understand why your father suddenly became a man with no Faith. We were driven by our emotion that we reached the decision to separate. Two person can never be together when one lack Faith. Your father thought that he will only drag me down when we stayed together. I was against it at first. I don’t want to be separated to the person that I love. But when he kneeled on his knees and begged me to let him learn how to love me again, I just lost it.” She wiped her tears away. I never knew that I was crying too when my mother wiped my face. My cheeks were full of tears. Ni hindi ko namalayan na umiiyak na ako.
“I thought that was it. I was expecting annulment papers but it never came,” Gulat akong napatingin kay mama. They are not annulled? But I thought… “Your father kept his word. He learned to love me again. But this time, with God between us.” Lalo akong napaiyak sa sinabi ni mama. All these years, I thought they are annulled. I know that they separated for some reason but I didn’t know that it was this deep.
Listening to my mother’s story made my heart softened. I never believed in romantic love because of them but I never thought I’ll believe in romantic love because on them too. It is so ironic. Akala ko kaya lang naghihiwalay ang mga magkasintahan dahil may kabet o nanloko o hindi na mahal. I never thought that separation because of the thought that you will drag your partner down exist. I suddenly thought of my father.
“Pero Ma, if papa loves you, where he is now?”
“God-centered marriage is good. But we have a daughter so it’s just right to have a God-centered family too, right?” Agad na nangilid ang luha ko nang makuha ko ang gustong sabihin ni mama. My father is working hard to make this family work.
“Where can I find a guy like Papa, Ma?” natawa si mama sa sinabi ko. She gave me a teasing look.
“Maghahanap ka pa ba o andyan na?” Agad akong namula sa sinabi ni mama. I felt my cheeks burning.
“Dalaga na ang unica hija naming, hmm?” Mama teased me and I am sure that I am as red as tomatoes! Mama naman!
“You don’t have to find a man like your father. You will only need to wait for a guy who’s willing to love God with you. Or maybe, you already found him?” Teasing was obvious on my mother’s tone but it left me on a deep thinking. Am I ready for that kind of relationship?
LUTHOR COOKED our lunch. And thankfully, he didn’t burn my mother’s kitchen. He knows how to cook, yes. Pero kinakabahan parin ako sa para sa kusina ni mama. Luthor is a guy afterall.
“Hmm, ang sarap mo magluto, hijo. Pwede na mag-asawa!” I rolled my eyes when Mama praised him. Malamang sa malamang ay lalaki nanaman ang ulo ng lalaking ‘to. And true to my thoughts, Luthor held his head up and looked at me proudly. I rolled my eyes on him. He just chuckled and returned his gaze to my mother.
“Naku, Tita, bawal pa pong mag-asawa ‘yong gusto kong asawahin eh.” Agad akong pinamulahan nang pasimpleng bumaling ang tingin saakin ni Luthor. Mabuti nalang at hindi nakita ni mama kundi naku talaga!
“Ay bakit naman? Ayaw ba sa’yo?” pakikisakay naman ni mama.
“Tita naman, ako? Aayawan?” Mayabang na sabi ni Luthor na ikinatawa ni mama. I knew it. Alam ko nang magugustuhan siya ni mama pero hindi ko naman in-expect na ang gaan agad ng loob ni mama kay Luthor.
“That girl must be lucky.” Sa sinabi ni mama ay muli akong sinulyapan ni Luthor. Medyo tumagal ang titig niya saakin na nauwi sa ngiti. Agad rin naman siyang humarap ulit kay mama.
“Hindi, Tita. Ako po ata ang mas ma-swerte sakaniya.” Luthor said softly. Napalunok ako at bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. This guy is really impossible. How can he say that words to my mom without fear? Napailing nalang ako. Well, this is Luthor de Leon and he is unstoppable.
My mom chuckled. “By the way, kumusta naman si Spica sa Maynila?” My mother asked.natigilan ako dahil doon. I felt guilty. Sa ibang tao pa siya nagtatanong ng tungkol saakin dahil hindi ako nagk-kwento sakaniya. But my worries suddenly faded away when Luthor smiled widely at my mom.
“Naku, Tita, dean’s lister po ang anak niyo!” Luthor said joyfully. Agad na lumingon saakin si mama. Malapad ang ngiti niya. Even her eyes are smiling. “Talaga, ‘nak?”
I nodded shyly. “May mga kaibigan rin po siya doon. Madalas silang lumabas ng mga kaibigan niya. Kaya nga po kami nagkakilala eh.” Natatawang kwento ni Luthor. My mom seemed so eager to hear more kaya nagpatuloy si Luthor sa pagk-kwento. Hindi na rin ako umalma.
For unknown reason, it felt good to see Luthor talking lightly to my mom. I don’t know, it just felt great. That’s Luthor, Mom. He’s the guy I like. Do you like him too?
“Masipag rin po mag-aral si Spica. Kaso makakalimutin kapag oras na ng pagkain,” sumimangot si Luthor na ikinatawa ni mama. “Pero ‘wag kang mag-alala, Tita. Ako na po ang human alarm clock niya. Ako ang nagpapaalala kung oras na ng pagkain o kung may kailangan pa siyang gawin para sa school. Kaya ‘wag kayong mag-alala, Tita. Hindi po ‘yan mamamayat si Spica.” My mom’s eyes soften as he listen to Luthor’s stories.
“Mabuti naman kung ganoon, Luthor. I’m glad to know that someone’s taking care of her while she’s away.”
“Ma naman, kaya ko naman pong alagaan ang sarili ko.” reklamo ko pa dahil mukhang nag-enjoy si Luthor sa sinabi ni mama.
“’Wag kang makinig dyan, Tita. Kung hindi ko ‘yan pinapaalalahanan ng oras ng pagkain, hindi ‘yan kumakain. Naku, Tita, pagsabihan niyo nga ‘yang anak niyo.” Agad na nanlaki ang mata ko sa sinabi ni Luthor. This guy!
“Tama naman si Luthor, Spica. Someone should take care of you. Alam kong makakalimutin ko, baka mapabayaan mo ang sarili mo.” I sighed in defeat. Mukhang napanalo na ata ni Luthor ang tiwala ni mama. Tindi talaga ng lalaking ‘to.
Nagmamayabang ang mga ngiti ni Luthor kaya inirapan ko siya. And just like that, we continued our lunch. Maraming kuwento si Luthor kaya hindi nawawala ang mga tawa ni mama habang kumakain. Ako naman ay nakuntento sa panonood kay mama. I felt contented seeing her smile. I felt like I made the best decision in my life by going home.
Dumapo ang tingin ko kay Luthor na masayang nakikipag-usap kay mama. I know I’ve fallen deep and I guess, I’m already drowning. And I can never back out. I’ve already lost the war, Luthor. You already won my heart.
“HINDI KA ba mananatili kahit hanggang bukas lang, hijo?” alas-tres ng hapon nang magpasya si Luthor na umuwi na ng Manila. He said that I’m already okay so he won’t need to be here anymore. Gusto niya raw sanang manatili pa ng ilang araw pero gusto niya ring bigyan kami ng quality time ni mama kaya aalis na raw siya.
“Hindi na po, Tita. At saka aalis din po kami ng pamilya ko para magbakasyon sa US kaya kailangan ko na talaga pong umuwi.” Nakakaintinding tumango si mama. In the short period of time, my mom’s already fond of Luthor. And I couldn’t thank Luthor more.
“Sige, mag-iingat ka, hijo. Sige at mauuna na akong pumasok. Spica,” my mom smiled before entering the house.
“Your mom is wonderful.” Napalingon ako kay Luthor. It is visible that he’s happy for me. I am happy too. And that’s because of him. He has done so much for me.
“Thank you, Luthor.” His smile widen. Sumandal siya sa sasakyan niya at tumutig saakin.
“Anything for my Spica.” Nahigit ko ang hininga ko dahil sa sinabi niya.
“My Spica?” tumango siya.
“Uh-huh.” Pinaningkitan ko siya pero tinawanan niya lang ako. Umalis siya sa pagkakasandal sa sasakyan niya at lumapit saakin para guluhin ang buhok ko.
“I better get going, Spica. I’ll see you after several months, aight?” he was about to turn around but I grabbed his shirt. Hindi na ako nagsayang pa ng segundo. Agad akong tumingkayad para mailapat ko ang labi ko sa pisnge niya.
I felt him stiffed. Agad rin akong lumayo sakaniya dahil na rin sa hiya. Mabilis ang pagtibok ng puso ko at mabigat ang paghinga ko. Gosh, I kissed him!
“Damn, My Spica is learning,” He whispered but enough for me to hear it. Agad akong pinamulahan at nahiya. I was eager to turn my back on him and run to enter the house to save my face but he grabbed my arm. Hinila niya ako papalapit sakaniya.
“I never thought that you’ll kiss me first,” he chuckled. Lalo ko lamang idinuko ang ulo ko dahil sa hiya. Hindi ko siya matignan!
“I’ll be back, Spica.” After saying that, Luthor kissed my forehead and immediately entered his car.
Ako naman ay natulala lang hanggang sa mawala sa paningin ko ang sasakyan niya. Gusto kong sumigaw at magpa-gulong gulong pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. I probably looked stupid. I bit my lower lip to surpass my smile. I entered our house with a happy heart.