Remember that time when I said 'No NO nO no No On nOo NNo no mo no no no no. I love you but no no no no No nO Nooo nOoOo!'?
Yeah, I'm not sure why I even bothered. 🙄
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Carter pulled the coat closet door closed and pressed her hands against the smooth wood. She inhaled deeply, the scent of perfumes and colognes feeling her nose. When she breathed out, nothing changed. Her heart still beat hard against her ribs, her mind still spiraled with a million thoughts. Thoughts she couldn't control.
She closed her eyes, willing herself to calm down, but it was no use, she couldn't do it. Not when just beyond the door she could hear the patter of conversations mixed with the gurgling laughter of babies.
Even as she tried to breathe deeply again, her lungs wouldn't listen, only allowing shallow breathes. It got to the point where Carter feared she might pass out in the confined space but she couldn't bring herself to leave. She couldn't show herself, not when everyone close to her was outside.
Before she could collapse to the floor in either a faint or full-blown panic, the door to the closet opened. Carter stumbled back into the row of coats and winter jackets. Donovan eyed her, worried. Before he could ask, Carter beat him to the punch.
"I'm fine. Really, I'm fine."
The strain in her voice countered this statement. Donovan stepped inside the closet, shutting them into the darkness. He clicked on the light and Carter tried to back away further into the coats. She didn't want him here. She didn't want him to see this weakness. He knew all the rest, but she didn't want him to see this.
"You need to go," she said.
"Funny, I've learned that means I need to stay."
"Donovan, please you need to leave me."
"That's a little hard because I made this vow once that said till death, currently neither of us are dying, which is uncommon."
Carter balled her fists, hating the levity he tried to bring to her. He didn't understand and she couldn't handle him right then. As Donovan studied Carter, the teasing grin melted from his face. He reached for her but she shied away from him, making him frown in confusion.
"Carter, do you remember that I'm your husband? Talk to me."
Feeling trapped, Carter could only see one way out.
"No," she hissed, knowing she couldn't let their families hear her. "I can't tell you because I don't want to disappoint you."
"Hey, you could ne-"
"Yes, I could. Because I can't do it, Donovan." Carter felt like she was untethered from the world, drifting off into a void that she couldn't find her way out of. "I can't. I'm not ready. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to be a-"
"Woah, woah, woah." Donovan cupped Carter's face, forcing her to remain still and look at him. "Do one thing for me, breathe."
Carter swallowed, well aware that she was losing it and hated that he was seeing it. So she did as he asked and breathed.
"Good, now why don't you tell me what's going on?"
She closed her eyes, knowing she couldn't see his face when she said what she had to.
"I'm not ready to have a baby."
The words hung in the air as Carter imagined Donovan's crushed look, the disappointment in his eyes, the way he wouldn't be able to look at her because she let him down. Her heart hurt, knowing she would be the reason for his regret.
"Carter, will you please look at me," Donovan said.
She shook her head.
"I can't. I'm sorry. I know you want a kid but-"
"Where is this coming from?"
At his confusion, Carter opened her eyes to find Donovan staring at her baffled.
"Don't look at me like that," she said. "I've watched you all day, you've never once been without one of your nieces or your nephew in your arms. You're so happy with them and I can't-"
"Carter stop." Donovan moved his hands to her arms and squeezed them once, comforting, affectionately. "I'm going to be logical for a moment and you're not allowed to hit me because of it."
She scowled making Donovan grin.
"Look, I'm allowed to be happy around my nieces and nephew. That doesn't mean I want a kid right now. Also, I'm well aware that the decision of having a kid will be a big one for us. I know how it will be something that will take time for you to come to terms with."
Carter pulled away from him, crossing her arms, suddenly defensive that the reservations were completely on her side.
"And why do you say that?"
Amused, Donovan took a moment to bury the emotion so Carter wouldn't see it.
"Because I talked to my mom. She knows your backstory, she knows that because of your hurt you aren't likely to rush into having a baby."
Carter sighed and relaxed her shoulders, sometimes she loved Eleanor, and other times she didn't.
"That's why I'm okay with not having a kid right this second. Besides, you're only thirty-one. We have time. Okay?"
"You do want a kid, right?"
"Yes, I do."
Ashamed of her previous panic, Carter dropped her eyes, unable to meet Donovan's. But he wasn't willing to let her feel alone and pulled her into a hug, kissing the top of her head.
"I want to have it with you, whenever you are ready for that."
The declaration calmed Carter and she buried her face in Donovan's shoulder, feeling the steadiness of him.
The door to the closet whipped open and James stood there.
"Really guys? This is not the time or place for this kind of thing."
As Donovan laughed, Carter slugged James in the arm making him wince.
"What do you want?" she asked.
"It's time for pie. Mom said since I was neither a pregnant woman or in possession of a little kid I could do the honors of serving. I came here to recruit you two."
"Okay, we're coming."
James eyed them for a second then nodded, leaving them. Donovan looked down at Carter.
"You going to be okay now that you know I'm not going baby crazy?"
"Yes, even if you are cute with a baby on your lap."
He kissed her. "That's because I'm always cute."
"You'll find no argument here."
Smiling, Donovan laced his fingers with hers, tugging her out of the safety of the closet. As they headed to the kitchen, they passed through the main family room where everyone was. Standing in a corner, were Steve and Ted, deep in conversation. On one end of the couch sat Maggie, who was overseeing Danny as he held Brock and Ashley's baby girl, Felicity.
A worn-out Ashley leaned against Brock, her head on his shoulder. The new parents looking a bit ragged around the edges. Seated on a second couch was Clint, who bounced two-year-old Micah on his knee talking to Eva, who held four-month-old, Haven. In two armchairs opposite the couches were Eleanor and a very pregnant Ali.
As Donovan and Carter entered, Eva paused in her conversation with Clint.
"There you two are," she said. "Do you mind handling Haven? I've been sitting so much and want to help James with the pie."
"And make sure he doesn't eat it all himself," Clint said.
"Sure," Donovan said.
Eva rose and before Donovan could take the baby, Eva gave Haven to Carter, who froze. Eva laughed.
"You got this," she said.
Not sure that was completely true, Carter carefully took Eva's vacated spot. In contrast to her stiff hold of the baby, Donovan snatched Micah from Clint and tossed the boy into the air, eliciting a delighted shriek from him. Carter stared down at Haven, at her satin brown skin, curly black hair, and luminous dark eyes. The baby stared back at her, making soft noises.
Carter felt out of her depth. Wasn't every woman supposed to have a natural way with kids? All she felt at that moment was how lost she was. She didn't know what to do. It didn't help either that Donovan was now playing Pony Boy with Micah, bouncing him on his knees, and pretending to let the little boy fall through but catching him. Carter's panic began to return when Haven screwed up her face, realizing that she didn't care for this awkward person holding her.
"Relax."
Carter looked up and Eleanor smiled gently down at her. "Swing her back and forth, it will help settle her."
Carter did as instructed with all the smoothness of a robot. Eleanor sat down next to Carter and put her hand on her daughter-in-law's shoulder.
"Slower and relax. It's as if you were on an obstacle course, you need to be loose and flexible."
With that thought in mind, Carter let her arms soften. After a minute, Haven's face smoothed out.
"There you go," Eleanor said. "Nobody knows what they're doing at first, it takes time and practice. Something you know a lot of, I'm sure."
That Carter did know. Most of her life had been giving herself time to learn things and vast amounts of practice.
Eleanor caressed Haven's chubby cheek with her knuckle and the baby girl smiled in response.
"You don't need to be afraid," Eleanor said, quietly.
For some reason, Carter knew she wasn't talking about holding Haven but about the prospect of having a child of her own. Carter met Eleanor's eyes, seeing understanding and compassion there.
"Once the time comes that you have a baby there is no one you will work harder to protect and provide for."
Carter looked from the baby in her arms to Donovan who was making faces at his nephew. She feared she would never be ready, but for him, she hoped one day she was.
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🦁🐯🐻
(If you don't say 'oh my' I'm not sure we can be friends anymore)
Throw your thoughts at me and I shall throw back lemons!! 💭🗯💬🍋🍋
Honestly, you wanted something with the families and this was as best as I could give you. The fact that I gave it to you AT ALL must mean I love you about a billion tons of chocolate! because I honestly meant it when I said I was never going to write a chapter like this.
But here it is, so I must love you. 🙄 So strange how that works.
Here is the place where you shout at me for all the chapters you want next and ignore you and eventually write what you want.
Also now you need to vote, comment, follow because I've given you everything.