"Jackson, please," the words slipped from her mouth like liquid poison as she neared me. "Stop with the stupid attitude. You really are a baby. God."
My vision warped then, and she was standing at the edge of the building.
"I'm a bird..."
There was a pistol in her hand. Dad was already dead in the house. And mom was laughing.
"Jackson, look at what you've done." She turned to face me. She raised a shaky hand at me, gun pointed at me. "Look at what you've done to me. You little whore. You bitch! I can't believe I ever had you, you spoiled little brat! You deserve nothing!"
She was shrieking. My body shaking as I cried for her. But she shot herself. But didn't fall back, she fell forward, onto the skyscraper's roof.
My vision warped again.
"No.." I gasped as I watched my father. "No, please! Mom never wanted this!"
"Your mother is crazy!" He shouted, hand falling against my face. "Now leave me alone!"
He was having his millionth affair. Right in front of his eight year old son.
"This is what love looks like, son."
That's what rape looks like.
This is not love.
This family is not love.
My vision shattered—
"Jax?" A soft light cast against the ceiling. Hot tears streamed down my face. Adrian was kneeling beside me, one hand against my face. "What happened? Was that a nightmare?"
Had I said something...?
"I'm so sorry..." he rested his head on his bed beside me. "Hold on, please." He left as I lay shaking on his bed, tears seeping into the satin pillowcase.
Adrian soon returned and was slipping under the covers beside me. He looked at me, waiting for something, but I just stared blankly.
"Come here, please," he took my hands and pulled me close. By that point I was more responsive and practically smashed myself against him. "It's okay.. I'm so sorry I couldn't be here.."
If he knew something about the shower, he didn't say anything.
"Don't like your own room, huh?" He teased quietly so I jabbed him in the ribs. He chuckled softly and held me tighter.
*****
I was being held. It was so warm...
I wanted to wake up like this every morning.
But, Adrian wasn't mine...
I tried to pull away but he pulled me back against him. I looked down at him but his eyes were still closed. His head was against my chest and my leg was wrapped over his.
His arms were wrapped around my waist, a little low.
My face flushed hotly.
"Jax.." Adrian hummed softly.
Holy shit...
I needed to leave. Immediately.
I played with his hair instead, running my fingers through it and twirling the soft brownness. His hair was so soft...
I felt myself getting drowsier, and my eyes fell closed once more
*****
"Yeah. I understand.. Yes. Thank you..."
I blinked my eyes open lazily. Adrian was sitting up, on the phone.
He hung up quickly and turned to look at me.
"Did I wake you?" He laid back down, not as close to me as he would've at night. I shook my head and he nodded slowly. "What do you want for breakfast?"
I paused. "Sleep."
"Well you're eating something, so, you better tell me what you want," Adrian rolled onto his back and looked at the ceiling.
"I should go change.." I didn't answer him and only stood up. His eyes snapped to me, and then looked me up and down. He quickly looked back at the ceiling, and then rolled to the side, facing away from me.
Did Adrian just check me out..?
I leaned against the guest bedroom door as I closed it behind me.
Well.. did he like what he saw?
I shook my head vigorously. Adrian was straight. He was even asking the girl to dinner tonight... How could I think like that?!
My eyes landed on the guest bed and I sighed. I still needed to wash my sheets.
I left my room and stood before his door. "Adrian?"
I heard a rustle and footsteps before his door opened. God he was so hot. And tall..
"I need to wash my new sheets... When can I do that?" I clasped my hands together nervously.
"Oh! You can do that now," he slipped past me, our arms brushing in the process, and I followed him to his laundry room. He then showed me where everything was before heading back to his room.
I walked back and grabbed the sheets and comforter before stuffing them into the washer and adding detergent.
I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror studying my eye bags when I remembered I had left my toothbrush and tooth paste in his room. I changed instead, into black ripped jeans and an oversized hoodie.
Adrian's girlfriend was coming over for dinner.
Well, she wasn't his girlfriend, was she?
But, damn.. anyone who could date Adrian would be lucky...
My face flushed at the thought.
First thing first was to stop sleeping with Adrian. He needed to have a normal life and I ruined it for him.
But also, what the fuck was I thinking sleeping with him? Showering in his shower?!
I needed to start sleeping in my own bed. Make things a little more normal.
If that was possible.
"Jax?"
I nearly jumped out of my skin.
"I'm going out for ingredients for dinner tonight and also some other things I need. I'll be back in an hour or so," Adrian's voice sounded muffled from where I was in the bathroom.
"'Kay, have fun," I was glad for the opportunity. I could get my toothbrush back without him in the house...
I only left my room when I heard the front door close. I wandered into his room, and realised it was messy-clean. Mostly clean. But somehow that comforted me. Adrian was just a kid. Like me.
Rich or not, important or not... he was still a kid and was probably struggling through this situation right along with me.
I rolled my eyes. Stupid bitch. Standing underneath a falling person. Idiot.
I grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste and rushed back to my room. I tried to angrily kick the door shut behind me but the stupid thing was soft close. Stupid rich doors. Stupid rich house. Stupid fucking rich Adrian.
I didn't belong here.
Sighing, I sat against the headboard on the bed and curled my knees up to my chin. I turned the tv on and stared at it with glazed eyes.
*****
"Jax?" Adrian's voice called from somewhere in the house.
I blinked lazily before dragging myself into a sitting position.
When had I fallen asleep?
Adrian said nothing else, so I didn't move. I didn't want to. My limbs felt like lead.
But then I smelled food.
Pain stabbed in my stomach and made my limbs feel hollow and heavy.
When heat flashed through me I knew it was bad.
A ball sat at the back of my throat, tempting me to throw up the emptiness of my stomach.
But I didn't want to move. Too nauseous.
"Jax, Lainey is going to be here soon," Adrian called, but I only felt the need to punch him. Or throw up.
I felt myself gagging and leaned over the side of the bed. Swallowing, I forced the feeling down and leaned back against the headboard. My head was pounding and my stomach eating itself. My mouth a desert.
Her name was Lainey.
I knew a Lainey in middle school. She was cool.
But this one just put the name to shame.
Heat pulsed through my body in waves, only making me feel worse. I leaned my head against the headboard and squeezed my eyes shut.
Don't do this.. Don't do this, please don't do this...
Too late.
My breathing started coming faster and soon I was hyperventilating.
Jax, calm down.. Calm down...
I was panting, the fast breathing making my head light.
What are you going to say if he comes in here... He can't take care of you any more..
I held my breath.
Please stop...
I forced myself to slow my breathing back down. Forced myself to calm down.
Then I slowly swung my legs over the side of the bed and froze. My body felt like weird pins and needles. But I stood, aggravatingly slow, and zombied out to the kitchen.
"Jax, are you okay?" Adrian was standing in the living room. He looked like he was headed toward his room.
The thing that caught me most off-guard was the white button-up and slacks and tie he was wearing.
"Fine," I bit out. "Don't worry about me. Anything here I can eat?"
"Um, yeah, anything.." Adrian gave me one last look before shutting his bedroom door behind him. Leaving me alone in the kitchen.
I rummaged through the cabinets and drawers before finding a yogurt cup in the fridge. I opened more drawers and found a spoon. I sat on the floor to eat it.
Adrian soon came back out, wearing jeans and a nice shirt.
"The fuck you wearing a tie for earlier?" I only met his eyes once before focusing on the yogurt. Trix yogurt. The best kind. Obviously.
"Um.. Had a meeting. Why didn't you eat?" He leaned against the counter a ways from me.
I gave him a look. "Let's see, new environment... Don't know where anything is..." I pretended to list things. "Oh, right! You don't have a say in when and when I don't eat. Shouldn't matter to you." My attitude came back. I hadn't been moody since I moved in. Just quiet.
He looked like he wanted to say something. "Guess it's just in my nature to care... Also, by the way, you killed me. So I kind of need to make sure nothing bad happens because if you pull stupid shit it's going to affect me as well."
"Whatever. You should've been glad I killed you," I finished the yogurt and got up to wash the cup out and throw the tin foil lid away.
"I don't see the point of dying like you do. I'm not a suicidal fuck like you," Adrian's arms were crossed and he was giving me a cold but steady look. It pierced me. "Plus you didn't even die. Apparently you have shit to work out."
I sighed quietly. Did I now? I rinsed the spoon off before staying there, unmoving. I still felt dizzy.
"I'm sorry..." I choked out, body weakening with every second I stood there. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't mean to come ruin your life and burden you. I didn't mean to kill you... I'm sorry."
My voice was a harsh whisper.
"You didn't do anything wrong," Adrian sounded confused. "The fuck are you apologising for?"
He wasn't making this easier.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, eyes stinging. "I'm sorry.." Why was I crying?!
"Jax," Adrian spun me around and I glared at him through my tears. His eyes widened slightly. "Don't apologise.."
His voice was too soft.
"Don't! Don't do this! You're not supposed to comfort me! You're not supposed to be a person to help me! I-I shouldn't have even met you! I'm not supposed to be comforted, understand," I was barking at him, tears streaming down my face. "I don't deserve comfort. I shouldn't be comforted by you. You don't even know me. I don't know you. We're just too people that got stuck together for a stupid ass reason!"
Adrian backed up, expression flattening. "Fine. If that's what you want. Live your stupid fucked up life. Live fucking alone." His eyes bored into mine. "But I'll be here, okay. No matter what. Even if I don't fucking want to...." Adrian shifted. "I don't want you to feel like you're alone. It's not a good feeling. You can always complain and hate me but I'm going to make sure this works out."
My mind went blank.
'I'll be here...'
I opened my mouth but no words came out.
How was I supposed to react to that?
"I..." I started, but nothing followed.
I jumped when the the bell to his door rang.
"You don't have to say anything," he said, and opened the door with a smile. "Lainey!"
"Oh, Adrian, hi!" The girl walked in.
I crossed my arms.
She wasn't quite what I expected.
Was this his type?
I looked between her and myself.
We seemed rather similar... but she was brighter. She was beaming. She wore pretty, dark clothes, not ripped ones like mine.
"Lainey, this is my roommate Jax," Adrian spoke up. I watched his expression. He wasn't blushing. Or smiling nearly as bright as Lainey.
"Hi!" She piped, walking up to me to shake my hand. I looked between her and Adrian before shaking her hand. Her eyebrows furrowed. "Nice to meet you..."
"Likewise," I said flatly, and gave an obviously sarcastic smile.
I didn't like her. Something was off. The way her eyes moved when Adrian wasn't looking was incredibly sketchy.
"I'll be back," Adrian smiled. "Play nice," he said it jokingly, to both of us, but the message was sent and received with the way he looked at me.
What did he expect me to do?
"What's your motive, huh?" I asked, leaning against the counter right beside her.
"M-Motive?" Her eyelashes batted as she blinked. She was playing innocent.
"You've been eyeing his apartment since you got here," I leaned in close. She panicked and leaned back, face tinting.
"What about you, huh? I have never heard Adrian talk about you and suddenly you're roommates? He didn't even want a roommate. He said they're messy. He won't even let me sleep over," Lainey retorted. I bit back a smirk.
Well he lets me sleep with him...
"Hmm, what answer do you want to hear? Long time friends?" I could tell I was scaring her. I fought the grin that was slowly eating my face. "Well, anyway. Nice try."
"Nice.. try?" She seemed confused, but shook her head as Adrian walked back in. She went to go sit at the dining table, silently.
"Okay, what did you say to her?" Adrian hissed in my ear. The close proximity was making my head hazy. I drank in his scent. His cologne.
I hummed, "so I heard you don't like people sleeping in your bed?" His eyes narrowed at me. "Why am I the exception?" I could have sworn his cheeks tinted. But he was walking away.
Letting the smirk stick on my face, I slid into the seat beside Lainey. "Mind if I sit here?" I gave a sickly fake smile. She opened her mouth but I cut her off. "Didn't think so. Thanks."
I turned to the dish in front of me. Pad thai?
My eyes involuntarily swung to Adrian. He met my eyes with sharp ones. They softened to a more confused expression.
I broke the gaze and started eating the dish.
Fuck...
Adrian could cook?
I tried my best not to shovel the food in my mouth and to not eat all of the shrimp at once.
How long had it been since I had a home-cooked meal?
I store a glance at Adrian, but he was talking to Lainey about whatever. His eyes slid over to me, but he showed no emotion and looked away after a second.
I finished my plate quickly and stood to wash my dish. I blocked out their conversation as I did so. It was just stupid small talk.
Adrian didn't like her. He couldn't.
After placing the plate in the drying rack, I turned back and leaned against the counter, watching him.
Adrian glanced between Lainey and her uneaten food as she talked away, about stupid air-head things.
No way in hell was he interested. I could laugh.
I looked closer. He looked irritated, even. He was getting mad. It looked damn good on him.
I wanted to see him pissed off.
"Lainey," I caught both of their attention by saying. "You have expensive taste." I nodded at her Louis bag. "Is that why you're here? Is that why you're leading him on?"
She blinked at me, eyebrows furrowed.
I chuckled darkly. "You know, when we were having our little talk? Remember that? Can you think back that far?" Adrian's eyes were narrowing on me. "I saw your notifications. And I know for a fact that 'Baby' with those emojis could not possibly be Adrian. How many boys do you have?"
Her blue eyes widened. "Wh-What?"
"Jax, stop," Adrian officially looked pissed.
I smirked.
"Or how about the missing calls from that 'Daddy' or that 'Hubby'? Huh? Yeah I saw those too." My eyes swung to Adrian. I couldn't read his expression.
"You can leave now," my eyes flicked back to Lainey. "Don't give people false hope." I looked back at Adrian. "It's annoying and not appreciated."
Adrian's expression dropped.
"You're pretty, and all, Lainey. But, gold diggers aren't really his type." I watched her stand, fists by her sides.
"You know what? You're a fucking bitch for that. What did it get you? I was going to drop Adrian in a few days anyway! What the fuck! Not like I would ever be into him!"
My eyes flew wide as she screeched.
"You are a desperate faggot! You know that! Fuck you, you useless wretch!" Lainey proceeded to storm out.
Silence hung heavy in the room.
I felt hollow.
That word rang in my ear.
Useless.
And the other one.
Faggot.
"Jax—" Adrian stood and I stopped him with a hand.
"Don't."