I can't help but feel like a waste of space when Dan is around. I feel like I'm intruding on something. It's not my business on what Ryan and Dan does, but I'm sure as hell that I am jealous.
Watching them talk over lunch is not exactly how I planned. Speaking of plans, I don't even know what step I'm in. The plan has been scattered ever since I found those emotional letters that I would rather not think about at the moment or else I might start something.
"So what are you doing today?" Dan asks Ryan, I curiously watch.
"Nothing much, how about you?" He replies. Dan puts down his spoon in his cereal.
"A few of my college friends are going to a carnival today. Your welcome to come." Dan says with a smile. Ryan shakes his head and says something about not feeling too well and leaving the room, leaving me and Dan alone.
"Do you want to go?" Dan then asks me and I almost choke. Hell to the no. If I stay here I might actually get a chance to talk to Ryan for a decent twenty minutes.
"It's okay. I need to get some work done." I half lie. I need to work on getting Ryan to like me.
Dan hums. "What do you work as?" I freeze. Do I tell the truth because Ryan never did. "And how do you know Ryan?"
I'm saving Ryan's ass. "I met him uh-- at a concert. And I work in cosmetics." I lie. He hums again.
"Are you gay." I almost spit out my cereal, but instead it gets stuck in my throat.
"No, no." I'm only gay for Ryan, the love of my life that you so-kindly stole. "I am just-- I don't know." I chuckle and he follows my action. After that, he gets up and puts the dishes in the sink, not even bothering washing them. If I was Ryan's boyfriend, I would wash them every damn time.
He then walks into their bedroom to get ready. I sigh and continue to wallow.
----
I've been at the house with Ryan for at least an hour and he hasn't come out of his room. I'm stuck trying to figure out how this damn t.v. works and eventually I have to ask him how to use it.
I knock on Ryan's door and I heard a 'come in' from the other side. I open the door nervously and bite my lip. I spot him lying in bed with a notebook.
"Hey." He says and closes his notebook, putting it away on through nightstand.
"Hi. I was just-- uh I don't know how to work your t.v." I tell him, barley audible.
He nods and gets up off the bed and walks past me, accidentaly poking my side on the way. I squeak and drop the remote to the floor. He turns around and looks at me with an amused look, it's so cute.
"Is your side still that ticklish?" He laughs. He remembered. Back when we were together, he would always tickle my side and kiss it just so he could heard my noises, and it worked every time.
I nod and giggle a little bit. He grins and pokes my side again and again. I squeal and run away from him into the living room, hiding behind the couch.
Suddenly, a presence is next to me and it's Ryan with a devilish grin. I almost scream, but he tackles me to the floor and keeps poking my side. I cry out in laughter, almost going to scream. This is the most he's ever touched me in a long a time.
"Stop! Stop! I'm going to pee Ryan!" I exclaim and he just keeps laughing and poking my goddamn side. "Ryan! I will piss on you!" I threaten and he laughs and gets off me. I didn't mean he had to get off me.
"Alright alright." He laughs and goes to sit on the couch. I keep smiling and go sit on the other side of the couch.
"Fuck you." I chuckle at him. He just smiles and looks over at me.
"Want to watch a movie?" He asks. I nod.
"Alright go choose something." He motions to the cabinet. I smirk and go pick a movie, it wasn't that hard to pick.
"I love that movie." Ryan says in awe as I put it in. I smirk.
"I know." I tell him and look over my shoulder at a smiling Ryan. He should wear that smile more often, it looks great on him.
Once I get settled on the other side of the couch and the movie starts to play, Ryan is shifting onto his side to watch the documentary I picked out. I knew that's what he liked.
I don't usually like these types of movies, I don't watch them. Back when we were together, we would cuddle and I would watch him instead of the movie. I love the way his eyes light up when a interesting fact is said.
I sneak glances at him this time considering I don't have permission to look at him anymore. Well not for a long time anyways.
I look over and see his eyes dart away the second I saw his eye. I look away. It seemed like a never ending cycle from there. We kept exchanging glances until that two hour movie was over. Finally.
"Well that was good." I yawn. He nods in agreement. It's now night time and I have to admit that Ryan looks really good in the moonlight shining from the window. Who am I kidding? Ryan's always looked good in the moonlight. Especially when we were making love and I looked up at him, the moon defining his skin. Absolutely beautiful.
"Do you want to go to bed or want to watch another one?" He then asks. I just want to talk to him, is that so hard to ask for? Well, it kind of is.
"Uh-- I just. Let's just talk-- about stuff." I manage to say, sounding like a fool.
"Okay. What do you want to talk about?" He asks. Us. I want to talk about us.
"Us." I whisper so quietly that not even a mouse could hear me. He raises his eyebrow.
"I couldn't hear you." He says and scoots closer to me on the couch, our thighs are centimeters apart. "Now say it again."
"Uh--" I am too fixated on how close is and how soft his lips look. My eyes are literally burning holes into his lips, I can't look away. I finally am able to look up and his eyes dart from my lips as well. He was staring. I lick my lips nervously and catch him staring at them again.
The loud noise of a door opening caused us to jump away from each other, trying to act casual on the couch. The light turns on and Dan is standing with a smile, a purple stuffed goldfish in his hands.
"Hey babe. I got you something at the festival." He says and sways over to Ryan, handing it to him. I look at the t.v. that has a menu screen on it. I can't believe what was about to happen. I gulp.
"Let's go to bed-- yeah let's just go." Ryan says hurriedly while taking Dan's hand and escaping.
Fuck.
I go to my lyric book once again, like every night.
"Velvet lips and the eyes to pull me in,We both know you'd already win,
Mm your an original sin,
You fooled me once with your honey eyes."
-Day 12