Chapter 31 - Jealousy
"Backstreet boys are better, no buts." Alex stubbornly said.
"No way, Nsync," I argued back, rolling my eyes.
We were on the road, heading towards a gig that he and the other boys booked. It was Monday night and school had me exhausted but I was still up for going to this gig.
I had to wear one of Alex's shirts due to the lack of clothing I had, along with a pair of jeans that luckily Alex had kept from some time ago. So far things were good besides my phone, which was blowing up ninety-nine percent of the time.
It's quite annoying.
I quickly shut down my phone and tuned into what Alex was saying. He, of course, was still rambling on about the irrational argument between us on which bands are better than the other.
“Blink-182 is better than New Found Glory, hands down.” He established with a cocky smirk. He had glanced back at me and then put his eyes back on the packed snowy road.
I snorted loudly. He was bullshit lying right through his teeth. “Oh, yeah right. Mr. I’m-In-A-Band-Named-All-Time-Low, which if I’m correct, happens to be a reference to a New Found Glory song itself.” I proudly smirked while Alex sat dumbfounded that I had caught him red handed.
He sucked on his teeth, clearly unsure what to say next or perhaps trying to produce a comeback in his sassy mind of his. This was all one big defeat of a slap in his face and I was most certainly showing off how proud I was of myself with the goofy smile that was on display.
I found myself staring out of the window of the now turning dark sky and the knee high snow. Winter was full blown now and it only made my seasonal depression worsen. Having Alex was a plus and helped me function but there was still that dull and numbing pain in my chest of sadness.
Everything was gloomy and just grey, including the insides of me, which at this point, was bearably natural. All of this just made me sad, and then there was Alex who was sitting to the left of me, with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on my thigh, whistling along to the song that was playing softly. I could live in this moment forever, but forever isn’t no damn guaranteed and I had to make the best of how long my forever was with Alex.
For the rest of the ride, it was a peaceful silence between him and me, along with the courtesy of the radio playing pop punk tunes.
We pulled up to the small looking venue, which had scene kids surrounding and socializing around outside somehow. They were absolutely insane for hanging around outside in this cold weather.
Alex parked the car into an empty lot and cut the power to the engine. He sent me a toothless grin before leaning in towards me. His hand cupped my jaw when the softness of his lips found mine, moving into a slow motion speed. Of what I assumed to be a small kiss had turned into a make out session, his tongue easily found its way into my mouth.
Our breathing was raged and heated the car even in this twenty degree weather. His hands were all over my body, getting familiar with every inch, while I had mine tugging at his hair that earned me a moan from him.
Unfortunately he pulled away with a small smile tugging at his lips, “C’mon, we can’t be late, angel.”
We walked hand and hand into the venue, where there was already another band playing – horribly I like to add. Yet, despite the awful noise that can easily be deemed as a ruckus, there was still kids packed into the tight space who were bobbing their heads to the beat. Honestly, they weren’t here for this band. They were here to see All Time Low.
My boyfriend’s band.
Leave it up to me to be smiling like a complete idiot from my thoughts when Alex and I arrived to the backstage. It took a little while to adjust to the smokiness of the atmosphere that left my lungs heaving for fresh air.
We ended up finding the rest of the guys, Brenna made an appearance too. Her and Jack looked in love as ever. Which caused me to think of how do Alex and I look? Do we look like madly in love just as other couples do? Or just a stale emotionless relationship?
Oh how I overthink too much.
I smiled at Rian who was practicing on a drum pad. Zack was relaxing on one of the crowded leather couches with his black bass in hand.
During the time the boys didn’t need to be on the stage, I followed Alex around. He constantly had multiple people coming up to him. Some were fans who wanted their The Party Scene album to be signed and others who were other band members from the scene.
It was astonishing to see Alex in his bubble of what he liked and it was more breath taking to hear the sweet words of ‘This is Laila, my girlfriend’ escape from his lips when he introduced me the everyone.
They were all extremely nice which saved me on my anxiety of being around strangers.
It wasn’t long until Alex had to start tuning his guitar. I was left to sit on of the leather couches along with Brenna. She and I watched the frantic movement of some of the mangers who were clearly didn’t have anything together.
It was suffocating to be backstage. The heavy smoking was almost unbearable along with the smell of booze adding into the atmosphere.
Brenna talked to me, which was nerve wracking at first, but when she kept rambling on, it only made me feel much better due to the fact it was a sign that she didn’t expect me to say anything back.
“I’m still kinda mad at Jack for getting me fired but oh well. I’m probably going to be their merch girl soon and hopefully I’ll make money then since they should be touring soon.”
Touring? I furrowed my eyebrows.
She took notice of my confusion and explained further, “Didn’t Alex tell you? They can’t just stay in this crappy scene in Baltimore.” She chuckled, almost as if I was an idiot to not think about the fact bands tour, and Alex just so happen to be in a band.
Jealousy had run deep within me. Alex had told her but not me, I hated feeling left out. Here I sat completely dumbfounded and only because Alex had never taken the time to tell me about the fact All Time Low will be touring.
My blood ran boiling hot with possessiveness and complete hatred of being left in the dark of this information. Of course, I had some sort of blame to not realize that they were bound to tour sooner or later but with all the recent events that have been crumbling down in my life, I never took the time to actually think about it.
“Oh look! They’re about to go on.” Brenna had changed to the topic and excitedly jumped off the couch with an innocent smile.
My legs didn’t move an inch and I hadn’t bothered to follow her to the side stage to watch them.
The roaring of the audience was vacuumed out of my ears along with the crashing of Rian’s drums.
The mystery of why I was jealous was beyond me but I was. The feeling was searing through me.
People passed me and the music filled my ears while I stayed immobile.
Alex had told Brenna, but why not me? Shouldn’t I, being his girlfriend, know before anyone else other than of course the rest of the guys?
I breathed in and exhaled out for a while, trying to cool down my simmering heat that had boiled up. My heart was telling me to get off the couch and watch their gig and stop being a whinny baby but my mind was on a persistent race to beat my heart's opinion.
Despite my fuming mind, I got up and walked towards Brenna who was enjoying the band’s performance. They were playing a song I’ve heard them practice a countless amount of time.
All of them were doing their thing on stage while the crowded audience sang along to the lyrics. It was fascinating to see all these kids my age be so engaged to the songs that Alex, Zack, Rian, and Jack all worked hard on.
Although it wasn't like they were playing in massive arenas, but this alone was unbelievable to see how far they've come in this scene. Easily they could be playing for five kids or even zero, but tonight they were playing for one hundred kids in a jammed pack room.
Brenna stood next to me in her Blink 182 shirt, jeans, and converse – the typical. She bobbed her head with the beat, her body swayed slightly too. She had her eyes glued on Jack, utterly love struck. Her dirty blonde hair cascaded down her back almost perfectly and her contagious smile of hers only made me feel like shit.
She was beautiful and I wasn’t.
I was jealous.
I impulsively stared at her for the longest time. Sending daggers into her but she didn’t take notice of my rudeness. Maybe she had and just decided not to knowledge it due to the awkwardness that may rise if she did.
But I still found myself continuing to stare at her with pure coldness. Somehow, I could imagine Alex leaving me for her. I mean who wouldn’t want to leave their girlfriend for someone like Brenna. She was intelligent, insanely beautiful, and down to earth. All of which I was not.
I snapped my head away from her when I heard Alex say good night to the crowd on his microphone. Instantly, I rushed myself to the bathroom. It was hard to maneuver myself but luckily I found the single bathroom that made me gag from the reek. The sink that I turned on had some type of fugue growing on the bottom of it, which I’m almost certain that the sink used to be white but now has a tint of brown. Spray paint covered the walls along with random band stickers.
I hysterically laughed when I spotted an All Time Low sticker but my small chuckle didn’t last long. I was too irritated and jealous to think of anything else than Brenna and Alex. With the water that was flowing from the sink, I splashed the refreshing liquid on to my face. I rubbed my eyes repeatedly, crazily thinking that it might help my tiredness and weariness in them.
The cracked dirty mirror in front of me only made me want to punch it. The reflection was me but I couldn’t be in more disgust of who was on display in front of my very own two eyes.
I leaned against the sink, staring into the mirror like I did with Brenna. I hated everything what I saw for the second time in my life. My eyes were too weird looking, my smile was horrendous, my cheeks were way too chubby, and my nose didn’t fit me.
This all gave me the biggest sickening feel ever and for two reasons. One, I wasn’t familiar to this. Two, the last time I ever hated looking in the mirror like right now, was before Kenzie was murdered. Hating what I saw in the mirror only made me think of her death and how much I was jealous of her looks and how immensely and unreasonably perfect she was.
“Stop it,” I whispered to myself. My infuriated inner battle was ripping my heart into two pieces.
“Fuck off, Laila,” I gritted my teeth further. The beating of my heart consumed everything I could hear, however, the sound from the next band playing was in the distance.
Thump! Thump! Thump!
This battle of mine was cut off by a pounding from the door. “Hey, fucker, you’ve been in here for fifteen minutes!” A female voice shouted from the other side.
My breathing was unsteady while I tried to put myself together. With another deep breath in and back out, I swung the door opened, and to only be confronted by a punk girl. Her hair was spiked with piecing all over her face. I take notice of how unhealthy skinny she was. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was going to snort cocaine in this damn bathroom.
Quickly and nervously, I walked away hurriedly. When I reached to the main and busy part of the backstage, I had to blink and rub my eyes just to try to believe what I was looking at.
It wasn’t scandalous but it made me jealous. Alex was sitting on one of the leather couches, laughing and having a good time…with Brenna.
We made a short lived eye contact, his smile turned into a firm line and his eyebrows furrowed when he noticed my serious expression. I was five feet away, standing still, with nothing but wanting to do something.
Running wasn’t an option, neither was causing a scene.
I walked away from our awful encounter. My brilliant mind had another impulsive idea. There was a table filled with alcohol, different beverages that I had no idea about.
Some were clear and others were brown and pink. Drunken people were surrounded by the table, which only me uncomfortable and annoyed.
I stood at the table trying to figure out what the hell I wanted. Not once in my life had I ever drank alcohol. There was too much of it here that left me stunned.
“Hmm, whatcha want darling?” A drunken man slurred into my ear.
His voice startled me, making me take a step left away from how unbearably close he was to me.
“C’mon, I’ll get you anything. We got whiskey, vodka, anything you’d like, angel.”
My whole body cringed when he had called me angel, only Alex was allowed to call me that. His body somehow was back to being too close for my comfort. He smelled awful and looked appalling. His beat up jeans and his dirty shirt looked like they haven’t been washed in ages. His acne was all over his greasy face, in which his hair didn’t look any better.
“Vodka it is, hmmm, I can put in my special ingredient.” He wiggled his eyebrows and reached over the table to grab the cup.
I was mentally panicking and my legs were glued to the flooring.
“Don’t take her silence as a yes because I’d be dammed if you think you will make a drink for my girl.” A familiar voice had firmly said behind us, causing me to turn around, only to be faced with Alex. The straight line of his lips showed his seriousness and of how pissed he was. “That means to fuck off, Eddie.” He growled.
“Oh, shit, Alex, fuck I didn’t know. Um, I’m really s-sorry.” He stammered and took off.
Alex looked fuming with anger when he walked up to me. He grabbed a red cup and started to pour a clear substance into it. “If you wanted a drink, all you had to do was ask.” He whispered enough to just for me to hear, which was useless to talk that softly since everyone around us were minding their own business. “Eddie is a total dick and could have seriously hurt you. I’m going to need David to beat the shit out of him again because clearly he’s back to putting his ‘special ingredient’ in drinks.”
I had no idea who the hell David was but I was sure as glad that Alex came to the rescue even though I wouldn’t have drank anything from Eddie, even if he had made a drink for me anyway.
Alex handed me my drink and grabbed my other hand.
We were back at the cramped couches. Zack was making out with a random girl. Rian was talking to a bunch of other band members who played tonight.
Brenna was talking to Alex, joking and laughing, while I stood my distance watching them. I had already drowned my drink down and was in much need of another one. Although it was my first drink of alcohol, it was a thrilling experience having the drink burn down my throat. It was addicting having the cold drink in my hand.
I was envious with every time Alex laughed at whatever Brenna was saying. They were sitting too close on that damn couch and I wanted nothing more but to do something about it. So I got up, and did nothing to fix this infuriating problem, only just to refill my drink.
It was around the third round of my drink when I decided that I could no longer stand in the distance and watch this nonsense. Everyone around me was having fun and Alex was included.
My legs stomped forward and my mind was determined on one thing and only that one thing. I threw my cup to the ground and foiled my hands into fist.
I was dead straight on with my sudden plan with the impatience I had. My source of all of this madness stirring in me was Brenna. She was doing this on purpose, I could feel it in my bones that she was. Fury and rage was burning through my ears while I charged over to Alex and Brenna.
“Hey, Angel-“ Alex shut his mouth the minute my strong fist connected to Brenna’s face.
My hand grasp harshly on her hair, pulling her down to the ground, she struggled with getting her arms to throw back punches but mine were too rapid to compete with. Screams were escaping from her mouth while I relentlessly threw the hardest punches that my body could.
I had no idea what I was doing but my mind was taking over and I had no control over me what so ever. It was like my self-control vanished and was never coming back.
Someone from the back of me wrapped their strong arms around me and tugged me off of her. Jack wasted no time on grabbing Brenna, dragging her away from my reach. My legs were endlessly kicking while my arms were still reaching out to her.
Her nose was dripping with blood and her eyeballs kept rolling to the back of her head while she laid on the cold dirty floor with Jack holding on to her.
“Jesus Christ, Alex! Get your girl under control!” A man with a clip board screamed.
All eyes were on us, hollering and chanting. I had only realized it until now that I finally end the movement in my legs and arms.
“What the fuck, Laila.” Alex screamed while he carried me out to the parking lot.
“Let me go! You piece of shit!” I wiggled my hardest to get out of his strong hold on me once we made it outside.
Finally, I broke free.
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” He barked at me. He stood tall over me, hovering over me as if I was as small like a little kid.
It felt belittling.
“How impulsive can you get? Dammit Laila, you just beat the life out of poor Brenna!”
Ouch.
Perhaps it was the alcohol in my system, but I didn’t have one single caring bone in my body about Brenna. Although having Alex screaming at me of how impulsive I was made me feel like shit.
“You can’t be doing shit like that, fuck Laila,” He grimly ran his hand through his already messy hair. He began to pace around the parking lot, mumbling words that were inaudible.
I stood in the snow, freezing, and frankly, not giving a fuck.
Alex was flirting with Brenna, and she was doing the same. All with making jokes and laughing, mocking me to the fullest extent.
I rolled my eyes from his reaction. This was bullshit. I was the one mad and should be mad, not Alex.
“Cut the shit,” I bravely spoke.
Alex looked at me in surprise, as if he wasn’t expecting to hear a peep from me.
“Cut the shit? You have no right to say that! What the fuck, Laila. This isn’t acceptable.” He said in disbelief.
“Okay, yeah sure, Mr. I’ll flirt with Brenna in front of my girlfriend.” I crossed my arms.
“Woah, wait, what?” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Is this some type of joke?”
With my knuckles bleeding, alcohol in my system, my mind racing, and my heart beating a thousand per minute, I stared dead straight into his eyes. “I’m so fucking done with you, Alexander. You’re nothing but a waste of my damn time.”
Just like that, I walked away, while he was left frozen like an ice sculpture. I had no idea where I was going, but I had to get away, from everything.
I was running away from my problems once again and like always.
_______
a.n
It’s official, next summer I'll be editing and revising The Remembering (removing everything All Time Low related) and will be sending it in to publishing companies.
I'm hoping when I finish this book that I'll have 150 pages (currently 123 pages but that's not including this update) I'll be majoring editing and revising to make it 200 pages, along with editing out All Time Low, switching names, and everything that is copyrighted. This shall be interesting!
This chapter honestly, without Brenna (my actual best friend!) this chapter wouldn't have went the way it went. So shout out to Brenna my friend in real life giving me the inspiration to have Laila punch fictional Brenna. But I didn't do this for no reason and randomly, there's a good reason behind my reasons of writing >:)
This book will be longer than expected, probably an additional 10 chapters from what I estimated.
Vote and comment, love you all!
-Kc Oct. 4, 2013
p.s - next week is spirit week at my school...I'm a photographer for the yearbook staff. Spirit week is our busiest week of them all besides deadline weeks - I'll try my best to update next week