For rolling girls, it's always the same... dreaming dreams that'll never come true...
There's a boy in Roman's Creative Writing class who is happy everywhere else but here. He's smiling brightly and he acts cheerfully then he walks in here, puts in his earbuds, and stares out the window until given the writing prompt. It's almost like he's wearing a mask everywhere else but here, as if everywhere else he's seen him was an act. He's so believable Roman was astounded when he denied he ever did any theater in his life! One time the teacher asked the class to write a poem or song about someone in the class, somebody they didn't know. It was an excessive of ability to create character. Roman wrote an epic poem called 'smiling boy' and he's never really seen Patton as the cheery boy since.
The smiling boy is dreaming all the day of things he knows are far, far away. Keeping in all the voices in his head. They're eating him away, hear them eating him away?
Patton wore his happy face, hiding his wrists with an abundance of bracelets. He grins in front of those he loves, 'specially the ones he knows will be affected if he's sad, and pretends to be okay. Patton is not okay. His parents broke up again. His step siblings all hate him and bully him. Everybody secretly hates him. He hears names about him being thrown across the school. But are they really there? Or are they his own thoughts bullying him non stop?
"I'm just fine." he says, breathing out a sigh. You know those words are gone with the wind.
"Woah, the amazing Roman wants to talk to me? Whatcha need?"
Patron grins his best at the popular kid. Star on the Varsity Baseball team and lead role in the school's play for UIL, Roman had to be the most well known kid. He had power, good looks, and popularity. Roman was holding a flyer in his hands, smiling. Patton had to keep his smile up. He couldn't let the most amazing kid in this school know that he wasn't alright. That would only lead to more bullying, more hurt, and more names. Freak! Slut! Cripple! Homo! Homo! Homo! He tried to push back the dark whispers and listen to what Roman had to say.
"I've noticed how amazingly upbeat you are and I was wondering if you were interested in any last minute auditions? I'd love to have you on our cast, even if you're doing lighting or props!"
Roman was counting on Patton, wasn't he? He doesn't ask favors of just anyone. But why? Why would Roman want someone as useless as Patton on his cast? He'd screw something up he knew it. He didn't want to let Roman down, so he kept on smiling and took the flyer. Man, his cheeks were hurting. He wanted to go home and cry in his room again for the... uh... was it seventeenth or seventieth? One of the two. Seventeenth or seventieth night in a row. Roman deserves a reply, so he tried his best to use his remaining energy to sound excited.
"I'm no good actor, but I can do my best for tech theater! Just for you!"
No matter what "I'm fine" and such. So watch me climb the hill that I know I'll always fall from. Guess I'll just smile again.
Patton was working on the assignment for Creative Writing. He went overboard and didn't get to edit nor revise and asked to do it at home. The teacher agreed, but his mom was out with her new boyfriend, who hated Patton, so Patton cried himself to sleep at six o'clock. He was sitting in the cafeteria during lunch, all on his own because his friends went to the band room to practice during lunch, trying to figure out how to finish the story without sounding like the most dorky thing ever.
"Hey Pat, whatcha doin?"
Patton looked up. Roman again? Why would someone so popular, athletic, and amazing hang out with a measly little band kid like Patton? He's been popping up in his life more and more often recently. It was starting to make Patton feel conflicted inside. Did Roman pity him or did he genuinely want to be his friend? Then again, why would anyone want to be Patton's friend? It had to be the first answer. Even so, Patton had to keep up his facade and smile brightly enough that people can compare him to the sun.
"Just finishing the short story from Creative Writing. It's not good but I still gotta turn it in somehow. Endings always get me. Ha ha..."
Roman walked around the table, plopping himself right next to Patton and reading over his shoulder. Patton wanted to shrink, but all he could do was slouch. Roman had his arm around him, wether he was aware or not. Patton could feel his face burning up. Roman was so close to him. Why would he want to be so close to him? Patton watched him smile and even breathe out a laugh at some of the jokes he littered in there. It was a comedy between two people who always argue being forced to be alone together in a room because of a dare and they learned how to accept themselves. But, Patton didn't know how to end it. He didn't know what should make them get out of the room.
"Why don't you make the friend who locked them in there walk in on them about to kiss, then make them close the door and have the protagonists laugh? It looked like you were going for comedy and you haven't written an ending yet, so I wanted to give you a suggestion. However I'm sure whatever you end up doing will be the best in the long run."
Why was Roman giving him that smile? That warm, happy smile even after correcting him? Roman didn't move, he actually reached over and brought his lunch over. He still had his arm around Patton. Why? Why did Patton want to cry? His cheeks were relaxed, he completely forgot that he needed to smile and pretend to be fine for the sake of everyone else. Roman just started humming And joined a loser like Patton for lunch as if it was nothing. Patton absentmindedly leaned into Roman. He needed the affection after being so neglected.
One more time, One more time, "Please just lemme smile for another day". That's what he said, What she said, Don't you know the meanings are hidden under cover?
"Roman, why are you forcing yourself to be around me? I'm not worthy of your time."
They were sitting on the stage right after dress rehearsals. Roman managed to convince Patton to give a proper audition and he got cast as one of the minor roles, but it was still better than nothing. Patton's Mom was supposed to pick him up, but as expected she was running late because she was busy with yet another new boyfriend. Roman offered to stay with him, leading to this conversation. Roman snapped his attention over to Patton, growing scarily stern for a second.
"Patton, I want you to never say I'm forcing myself to spend time with you. You're there for me when I need you, so I'm here when you need me. And you are ALWAYS worthy of my time. You don't need to be worthy of my time because we're both on the same level. We're both high schoolers. Got that?"
Patton just nodded, cringing to himself and not bothering to smile. Roman let out a sigh and slid up on the steps, so he could be on the same one as Patton. He took Patton's hand in his and gave it a little bit of a squeeze. Pwtton didn't realize what he was doing, but he rested his head on Roman's shoulder. Roman went on his own little rant while Patton fought his own tears and sadness in his heart.
"I'm sorry for scaring you, but you mean more to me than you realize and I don't want you to put yourself down. I get it, things are going on in your life that make you feel like you need to pretend to be happy. Well, you don't. Not around me. It's completely okay to cry because I know that feeling of bottling up your gears and taking you're anger out on yourself. You hate yourself. You hurt yourself. And you're close to death because of it. You're too precious to deal with that and... I love you Patton. I love you so much it hurts me that you can tell be honest with me and you cant see me as someone equal to you rather than surperior. I really, really want you to be yourself and not the mask you put on in front of everybody else's to convince them you're a smiling boy. Just... promise me you'll try to get better on that? I'm not asking you to love me, I'm asking you to love yourself."
Patton felt himself freeze and his blood grow both hit and cold. Patton felt like his whole body was in frostbite. Frostbitten with melancholy and love. What does he do. Now he made Roman cry. He's the worst human in the entire world. He needs to cheer Roman up, somehow. But the only way to cheer Roman up is to be real, and being real isn't cheering Roman up because Patton is sad on the inside. Patton didn't know what to do, so he jus placed his hand on Roman's face, forcing him to look him in the eyes. He took a deep inhale and decided to say the words that broke his heart from the inside.
"You're the first person to ever love me."
Patton felt the tears in his eyes sting. Should he cry? He doesn't deserve to cry in front of someone. He didn't want to cry in front of Roman. Oops, it's already happening. Before Patton knew it, he found himself lunging into the embrace of Roman, desperate to feel loved for the first time in his neglected life. He found himself getting showered in forehead kisses and praises. It's nice to hear those and feel those for the first time in his life. He held Roman tighter. He felt his heart swell.
"I love you, Roman."
"I love you more, Patton."
"One more time?"
"Just a little more, waiting til the day that I see the end"
"I'll stop this breath from seeping out...for now."
There's a boy in Roman's life who means more to Roman than anything in the world. His name is Patton and he doesn't have a good family. However, he does have his boyfriend Roman. He sits with him at lunch and next to him in Creative Writing. They're partners in theater and Roman goes to every single band concert Patton has just so he can support him. He doesn't always force himself to smile anymore, he smiles because he's genuinely happy and frowns when he needs to. Recently, there was a writing assignment in Creative Writing to write a letter to someone's they love and give it to them, filming their reactions. Roman sealed his letter with a kiss, wearing red lipstick for the occasion. Now, where did Patton go? He has to go give him this letter.
1885 Words
Things get better, I promise.
~Eva