Salaam guyyyys... here's another chapter!! Please don't forget to vote and leave some positive comments lol, it'll keep me going!! I hope you like this one xx
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Aqsa walked out of the O.R tears streaming down her eyes. Every patient meant so much to her and she gave her all to help them get better, but that was the result she wanted but that wasn't always Qadr.
She had just lost a patient. A five year old. She had been part of the little girls journey ever since Aqsa started her internship in the hospital.
'Aqsa, go home and rest.' Dr Parker said as she squeezed Aqsa's shoulder outside the O.R as she cried.
'No, I have to go tell her family.' She said her voice breaking. Her body was beaten. Joanna was the sweetest little girl and she had grown fond of her. She'd always ask her for a hug before anything and when Aqsa was not around , Joanna would always ask for her. She'd refuse to do anything until Dr.Aqsa came or Dr.Aqsa called.
Losing a patient was always difficult but this was harder, she had allowed her heart to get attached to Joanna.
'No dear, you can't go talk to them like that. I will.'
Dr. Parker assured her. But she still had to see Erin and Billy. She had to face them. So she waited for Dr. Parker to go and she followed behind slowly. When Dr. Parker broke the news to Billy and Erin that Joanna was no more.. she was just behind Dr.Parker now. Erin fell to the ground as she let out a cry. Billy's hands flew to his head as if struggling to maintain his sanity, as if those hands would help him. She ran towards Erin and hugged her.
'Erin!' She hugged her tightly this time.
'My beautiful baby girl!' She cried. And Aqsa couldn't even imagine what Erin was going through. She rubbed her back for a few seconds until Billy's mind registered that Erin was there too, suffering like he was. He pulled her up and hugged her. Aqsa then moved aside leaving them to comfort each other.
Everyone looked at her. Well, most of the staff knew how attached she was and some had warned her even that it would only end up badly for her since Joanna's life was so much at risk, but she still couldn't resist the charms of Joanna. She remembered her green eyes, so bright. Familiar even, like the one man she loved.
After a short while and cleaning up she was now in her abaya and scarf, she walked to Erin and Billy to say her goodbyes. Not certain she'd see them again, oh well, Joanna's funeral. But she had to say bye for now.
Aqsa walked in her home hoping to run into Youssef's embrace but he wasn't back yet. He didn't have a match so where was her husband? She threw herself on the couch as she removed her abaya hastily throwing it on the floor where her hijab also landed. She sinked into her misery.
Joanna. Joanna. Joanna.
She was just 5 years old. But well, that was death. It didn't choose. Your time came whenever. That was the reality. We were all going to die too, someday maybe soon or maybe later, that we didnt know. Now she just laid down staring at the simple ceiling of their living room. Tears had dried but her heart was still shattered. The image of Erin's bloodshot eyes couldn't leave her mind. Loss. She was familiar to it. But it never got better. She didn't want to imagine the pain of losing a child. She didn't want to and if Erin's eyes were the reflection of it, oh she broke more. She didn't want to think about it. She wanted to forget it, but she couldn't. She felt Joanna's blood still on her, on her hands. She felt as if those bloody gloves were still on her. Why did she let herself get too attached? But she was only human.
She then heard Youssef enter their apartment. He was on his phone talking to a friend. Youssef and his friends. She thought.
When he noticed her laying there, he walked to her and smiled at her.
'Salaam beautiful. I've got some news to share.' He said his voice laced with unsure excitement.
'Waalaikum salaam Youssef. What is that?' She spoke trying to act normal. Youssef still hadn't looked at her. He was looking inside an envelope which perhaps carried "the news" , oh Allah, let it be that he has gotten a contract. She prayed. Sincerely.
'I got a contract!' And her heart forgot about all the pain she had been feeling or maybe somehow. She was so happy for him.
'Youssef, habibi... you should be jumping. Wow, Mabrook. Alhamdulillah... how good is it?' She said excitement overtaking her. She had seen how much work Youssef had put into his career. She had seen how he'd wake up for tahajjud now even without her waking him. She saw him, she saw him go through it all and she was so happy for him but why wasn't he so excited.
'Yallah habibi tell me, tell me more.'
'My love, it's in France. The offer is from a French team.'
'What? Oh ...' her excitement died.
'Yeah that's bad then.' Aqsa added.
'Well maybe.. maybe not.' Youssef said unsure still not looking at her.
'Huh?'
'It's just for one year, maybe we can make it possible.'
'I don't see how it's happening Youssef.' She said looking at him for the first time, still their eyes hadn't met. Youssef didn't want to see her reaction, he was scared of seeing it. Aqsa sat waiting to hear his suggestions. Youssef ran his fingers through his hair.
'We could go to France, it's just one year my love.'
'Are you serious? And my career? I can't just leave that.' She said defensively.
'I think they can refer you to continue your residency there. And there are good hospitals there, so I don't think that's a problem.' He said innocently. Almost pleading.
'Well it is. I don't speak French so sure I can't survive and work there. Especially in a hospital. who would let me cut their babies open while I can't even introduce myself! And it's outrageous how you totally disregard my career thinking about yours alone. Why? Because you think I'm not good at what I do? Like it's so easy for me to just drop everything and follow you around like i have no other things to do, well maybe if you'd marry someone who had nothing to do then that would be possible, but well you haven't. So, you won't take it!' She said tears now in her eyes. She was crying about a lot of things rightnow. A lot. Joanna, her job, her marriage.
Youssef too was mad now. Mad about her outburst. And all the things she said. Not that she was wrong about other things, but he knew he'd do it for her. He would. If that was her only way forward, he would. He was that selfless. She on the other hand, wasn't.
'Disregard your career? Do you hear yourself? Have you ever heard me complain about anything? You work everyday, or have extra hours or cut our moments short. I sleep alone so many times in this house! How many times do I wake up and drive you to the hospital in the middle of the night when there's an emergency? Have I ever told you that your job is too demanding for me? That I need to sleep because I have training in the morning the next day. Have I? You tell me you don't want this , I say yes. Jump? I say how high. I do everything , everything to please you Aqsa, but you can't do this one thing! I won't even talk about your "you should have married whatever"—- I'll pretend I never heard that.'
He said on top of his voice. His veins prominent. She could see how angry he was.. She had never seen him like this. This was just different.
'I just lost a patient. A 5 year old little girl. Who was a sweet friend. And I'm coming home expecting to find comfort in my husband, but oh well guess what, he doesn't even ask me how I am, how was my day and he bombards me with drop everything including your job, let's pack and go to France.'
Youssef looks at her and gritts his teeth. Knowing he was wrong to just go directly to the point without creating the grounds to communicate this, but still she had no excuse, absolutely no excuse to get so defensive. They were very capable of talking about this like mature adults but they just had to turn it into an argument, actually Aqsa did. He thought.
Youssef walks away and goes into their room. Cleans up in the bathroom then heads to bed. Not knowing what to do. He was too mad to forgive her. He couldn't. He was too mad to go and kiss her and apologize without caring whose fault it is. He was tired, and rightnow he just wanted to sleep. So he slept. Aqsa walked into their room and it made her so mad how he could sleep so peacefully even after an argument. She knew she couldn't. So she walked to clean up and when she joined him on bed she slept on the far end almost falling. After a minute she left the bed and walked out to their guest room and in there she cried for so long. For Joanna. For snapping at Youssef. For Youssef's selfishness. For this whole situation. And she didn't know what time it was when sleep over took her...
Two days... had passed and it was now friday. Aqsa still wasn't sleeping in their room. Youssef was still mad. Very mad at Aqsa. Aqsa was hurt. Which Youssef didn't understand why. She was on the wrong. They could have just talked in a civil manner but she had to overreact. She should be apologizing but oh well even she had some attitude. They had hardly talked to each other apart from salaams. No one asked the other anything. Actually , they avoided each other.
Aqsa walked into their room after work to grab a few things hoping Youssef was not around. She wanted to grab some stuff then wait for him only for her to inform him that she'll be going home for the weekend. To her parents. But oh well, she just walked in on Youssef and her fear came into existence. Her nightmare was now her reality.
Youssef was packing.
Blood drained from her face. Her heart beating twice faster than usual. Tears threatening to leave her eyes. Was he leaving her? What did this mean? Was their marriage broken? What was Youssef doing? Just then he looked up to look at her.
' I took the offer.' He said. Her heart shattered.
Priorities. She thought.
She fought to keep her tears inside. She didn't want to speak she knew her voice would break. But she had so many questions. She just couldn't voice them.
'Just go home.'
Home? This was her home! She wanted to scream.
What? What did it mean? Was he done with her? Was he done with them? Those words broke her. Shattered her.
Sure Youssef had made her mad. He couldn't really expect her to leave everything for one whole year. But he just kept surprising her. What did he mean by go home?
She walked further into the room took a few things and tossed them into her handbag and left. Without saying a word to him.
When she arrived home, she stayed in the parking lot for almost half an hour crying her heart out. How? How was she going to live without Youssef? How was it so easy for him to say that? How was it so easy for him to not choose her. So she cried again and again. She wondered what would she tell her parents? Youssef hadn't even had the decency to bring her home and face her parents. Maybe mother was right about him. She thought. Or shaytaan whispered.
She walked inside her father's house to find everyone there. Their majlis was right after the door. So everyone saw her. Plus, it was a friday so her siblings Fatma and Asiyah were here also.
'Aqsa.' They all called out. Well except Asiyah. She wasn't too excited to see her. She faked a smile at all of them hoping they won't see right through her.
'I didn't know you were coming today.' Her mother said. It annoyed her so much that she had to tell everyone that she was coming, wasn't this her home just as much. Right now she felt like she belonged no where.
'I didn't know either.' She forced a laugh, making them believe it was a joke and everyone laughed. She said her salaams to everyone as she jumped in between Ruqqaya and Saffiyya. Her favorite people.
'Where's Amal?' Aqsa asked for her niece. Her sweet niece.
' She's at her grandmothers. All her cousins are there.'
'Oh!' She wanted an escape and maybe a noisy baby would have been one.
Then she wished to send for Sayeed's babies but then she thought against it.
The twins felt that she was not okay but they didn't ask and when she excused herself to go to her room they followed her. They were her keepers. She knew she could trust them, but they were young, maybe they wouldn't even understand this. They weren't married, what did they know.
'Aqsa, whats up?' Saffiyya asked as she held her sister's shoulder.
'Just a bad day at the hospital.' She dismisses it.
How was she going to tell her little sisters that her husband had possibly left her?
'I'll just go shower then do Salah.'
'You'll come down for food?'
'No. I'll just sleep.'
They knew something was terribly wrong with Aqsa but they let her be for a while.
So Aqsa went into the bathroom took a long shower as tears left her eyes. She cried and the pain didn't even lessen a bit. She wore her abaya then started her prayer. That day she cried, so much. So much because she didn't know her position in her life. She didn't know how to live without Youssef but also she knew she couldn't risk her career and it was selfish of Youssef to expect that of her. She cried begging her Lord to show her the way. To show her what was right. To give her sabr. To remove her pain and anger. She asked for ease. She cried so much in sujood her body literally shaking. When she stood up the pain wasn't gone but she felt lighter. She had left it in Allah's control and if He would choose for her whatever then she would do it.
She got on bed and sleep overtook her.
*****
'Youssef.. what's taking you so long to get here?? Come on son, hurry, we don't want to miss this.'
Youssef's agent Pierre Mikel spoke on the phone.
'I'm almost there.' He said trying to hide the irritation in his voice.
They finally met and walked together to check in then board the plane for France. This was the defining moment of his career and he knew it. His agent told him this everytime not that he needed reminding. He knew exactly what this was. He had to go there and give his all.
'They are really excited to work with you, you know they have doubts its a big team and signing you, well no one hardly knows you, YET, but they are under great pressure, Youssef please give your all.' He insisted.
'I will Pierre. I will. In sha Allah I will.'
Pierre nodded then added.
'I know you wanted to be signed by a big club back at home, but this is what we got. And it's nothing small, so I don't know what damage it caused you and your wife..'
Youssef looked at him with sharp eyes. He respected the man but his marriage was a hard subject rightnow. Nevertheless Pierre continued.
'Keep your mind focused. Women, they mess up your head, you'll ruin this.'
'She's my wife Sir!' He said with conviction signaling him not to talk ill of her.
'I know, but don't let her take this away from you. Go be focused. This is the opportunity.'
****
Aqsa was out in the garden lost looking at the flowers. Her mind out of this world when Sayeed walked up to her. Sayeed was so close to Youssef. Had Youssef told him that he sent me back home? That he left me? That I was not his priority?
'Habibty...' he called, a smile plastered on his face. She looked up to him and returned the smile. She knew just by looking at him that he didn't know about the fight. Youssef hadn't told him.
'Sayeed.'
She hugged him as they exchanged Salaams.
'You miss him already? He just boarded the plane.' Sayeed rolled his eyes at her while he laughed.
What? Did he know?
'What? He told you?'
'Ofcourse he did. Duh! I hope things work out for him.'
'Ameen.'
Her heart shattered in pieces. So he was gone. Really gone. He never said goodbye. He didn't want to fix things. He didn't talk to her father. And Sayeed? How was he laughing and joking about the guy who just walked out on his little sister? Or he didn't know about the fight? what did Youssef tell him?
Just then her phone rang as it settled at the table in the garden where she had left it. She checked it only to see that it was maman
It was Umm Youssef.
'Asalaam alaikum maman.'
'Waalaikum salaam my dear, how are you?'
Again, she talked to everyone in Youssef's family but all of them were just talking about Youssef and how they prayed and hoped he'll do good. No one seemed to know of the situation. So she played along too.
What story had Youssef given everyone? Had he lied? Now she felt like she didn't know him. She knew all this could be cleared by a phone call but she wasn't going to call him. He left her. He chose his career over her. He walked out on their marriage. So she wouldn't call. So she left everything between her and her Lord and told no one anything.