*.☽.*
...I saw tears forming in his eyes.
Guilt.
It was guilt that took over me the moment I saw the pain in his eyes. How could I ever have forgotten that this was his battle too? How could I have only focused on myself? To my pain, to my insecurities. But then, as I think about it now...I kept asking myself, would things get better or worse after this? Would I be able to handle more issues like this in the future?
When I was at church this morning, I thought about my life in Australia. How long would I be able to delay my return? My parents were waiting for me, my whole life was waiting for me. It almost seemed like I had everything put on hold just to come here. Looking back, I was so sure about everything, every decision that led me here. About him, about us. I was so sure. I swear, I was so sure.
I didn't know what's gotten to me but I suddenly felt unsure.
And now, as I was staring at him, I couldn't help but continue to cry. I felt so bad that he had to ask me to trust him because I failed to do it in the first place. I doubted him by choosing to listen to my apprehensions.
So, maybe I don't deserve him. Maybe he deserved someone strong enough to handle the pressure. Maybe he deserved someone who could truly understand his job.
Maybe, it wasn't me.
I closed my eyes as I lifted my hands so I could remove his from cupping my face. When I looked at him, I saw how confusion took over his face. His eyes were full of questions. His lips, slightly parted but no words came out of his mouth. He was just staring back at me, probably waiting for me to rationalize and justify my actions.
I was still holding his hands, taking them between us as I struggled to find the right words to say.
"You..." I muttered but paused as I sobbed. "I don't think..." I stopped once more hoping that I could at least let the words out. "I don't think I deserve you..."
I bit my lower lip as I tilted my head down to gaze at our hands before I started to let go of him. I saw how his hands limply fell to his sides.
"W-what are you t-talking about?" He asked stuttering, his voice a bit shaky.
I brought my hands to my face to wipe my tears before I gathered every ounce of courage I had to face him once more. It was excruciating. Seeing how he gazed at me unbelievably like I just said the most ridiculous thing ever. Hurt was evident in his expressions and it was obvious that he was tensed because kept wetting his lips and even biting them.
"I don't...I don't think I'm strong enough Baekhyun. I thought I was." I moved my head sideways. "I thought I was brave, it turns out I'm not."
"I..." He took a deep breath as he turned the other way, lifting a hand to run his fingers through his hair. "I don't understand Hae Won." He said, meeting my eyes once more.
I went silent for a few moments as I let out a few sobs while convincing myself to verbalize what I had to say. I opened my mouth but eventually closed it once more because of my inability to come up with the right words.
"Baby." He muttered as he slightly bent down, and brought his hands on my cheeks to wipe my tears. "Maybe you're just confused right now." He let out a hesitant smile. "Why don't we go hiking for a bit to clear your mind, hmm? Maybe you just need some time to think. Let's go." He talked fast in a slightly panicky voice.
Without any warning, he grabbed my hand and led the way. I was so unprepared he was able to carry my whole weight with him. I stared at his back while we made a few steps away from the car and the pain I felt in my heart seemed to grow over my chest. I couldn't stand this anymore, letting him do this would only make things more painful.
"Baek," I called, expecting him to stop walking but he didn't. "Baekhyun," I said once more, my voice almost broken but he still didn't budge.
I knew he heard me and I was certain he knew where this was going to lead. And it pains me even more to prolong this.
"Let's just..." I made my voice louder than usual and with one last breath, I closed my eyes and mouthed the words I'd been meaning to say. "Let's just end this while we still can."
He stopped on his feet right away and as if in slow motion, I watched him turn to me, looking undeniably taken aback by what I just said. He was holding my hand so tight that I struggled a bit to break free from him.
"What do you mean to end this while we still can?" He said in a low voice, his face slightly turning red. "I can't." He moved his head sideways. "No." He added defiantly.
"Baek-"
"No." His eyes were piercing through mine.
Unable to come up with a reply, I just closed my eyes, trying my best not to start crying again.
"Don't you trust me?" He asked all of a sudden.
I met his eyes for a second before I dared to answer.
"I do..." I replied in a weak voice. "I trust you-"
"Then maybe we can still work this out. I just need you to trust me. You know I love you and you love me too, right?" I could sense the desperation in his voice this time while his eyes were seemingly pleading.
I bit my lower lip.
I love him. God, I love this man so bad but ...
"Right?" He sounded pleading more than just asking.
He waited in my silence. He waited but I never dared to answer. If I tell him that I love him, it would make things way harder, if I tell him that I don't...he probably wouldn't believe me.
"My god Hae Won." He sighed gloomily.
My heart broke as I watched him close his eyes, take a deep breath, and bring his hands to his waist. I watched his every move, the twitching of his lips as he attempted to say something but didn't. His hair, as it gently sways every time the wind blows. His tensed shoulders as they slumped. Then he brought a hand to his face, his entire palm covering his both eyes for a brief second.
God, he's crying.
I saw a teardrop rolled down his cheek.
I wanted to break down.
I filled my lungs with air. I cannot bear looking at him in this state and the fact that I was the one to blame, made me feel worse. I was starting to cry again as my eyes watched him do the same thing. I heard him sniff before wiping his tears, his fingers meeting in the corners of his eyes. When he finally removed his hand from his face, he turned to stare at me.
"Please don't do this to me." He pleaded his voice just above a whisper.
He brought his hand to my face to caress my cheek but I looked away, leaving his delicate fingers tracing my jaw instead.
I wanted to give in to him so much. I wanted to just forget about my decision to free us both from this complicated situation. I wanted to just hug him and tell him I'm sorry for acting like crazy since we met this morning. I wanted to.
But then again, I knew that things would just get harder. More painful than it already was. This relationship would keep hurting me.
So, after a few moments of silence, I forced myself to move my head sideways.
"I'm sorry, Baekhyun." I bit my lip. "I'm sorry."
Seeing how heartbreak took over his face, my tears fell onto the ground right after I tilted my head down. I immediately took his jacket off of my shoulders and handed it to him before I hastily took the way up to the mountain, never looking back.
***
I had been walking for twenty straight minutes, my tears keeping me company the whole time. I kept recalling the look on his face before I left him. It was excruciating to see him crying because of me. But I had to do it right? I had to do it to save us both from each other. I didn't want to stay with him when I knew for a fact that I wasn't strong enough to overcome the things that might come between us.
I barely managed to convince myself that I'd be fine after reading the comments about him and Ara. I didn't like the fact that I was so affected by other people's words. I didn't like what happened to me. I was so insecure, I was so intimated. I felt so small being someone who couldn't even compete with Ara. And I also hate the fact that I had to compare myself to her. I was not like this, I don't do this. And I don't know what's happening to me.
Then a strong wind blew without warning. I felt cold. So cold, I had to wrap my arms around myself. I was only wearing my long-sleeved, beige knitted sweater, jeans, and sneakers. I immediately stopped on my feet, looked up, and saw how the foliage of the towering trees moved along with the air. I suddenly felt weird, I felt that sinking feeling in my heart again but this time it was worse. I blinked my eyes a few times as I ignored the feeling and stepped forward.
But then, I barely walked a few steps away when I stopped once more. I felt the need to stop because it almost seemed like every step I made away from the entrance of the hiking place was torture. No. I shook my head as I convinced myself to continue walking but my feet stopped moving again.
Suddenly, my tears stopped flowing.
A void. I was sure there was a void right behind my chest and it was slowly sucking every strength I have left. I closed my eyes and all I could see was him. Memories of him smiling and laughing flooded my thoughts. I even remembered the first time his delicate fingers caressed my cheeks. How he would pull me closer into a gentle hug. Oh God.
I opened my eyes and looked behind me and found no one. I wasn't expecting him to be there but the trails leading back to the entrance of the hiking place seemed to magnetize me, as if it's telling me to go back.
He's not here and the thought of his absence was slowly trying to kill me inside. My hands fell to my sides and I froze as the realization hit me hard. My heart was sinking. My brain was cramming.
Did I do the right thing? And if it's the right thing, then why does it hurt so much? Why does it feel this way? No. I certainly did not do the right thing. No.
How could I be so selfish? I couldn't believe I did that to him. What was I thinking?
I only thought about myself. I only thought about what I felt and left him hanging. Oh God, how could I be so stupid?
I wanted to hit myself. I hate myself. All he did was ask me to trust him and I made it seem that I couldn't afford to give it to him. He kept apologizing when it wasn't entirely his fault. I was the one who chose to rely on speculations. I was the one who chose to listen to what other people said. I let it all get to me. Oh god, oh god.
I can't lose him. I can't lose him. I can't lose him.
I bit my lip so hard, I was scared they might bleed any time now if I didn't stop doing it.
I love him. How could I do this to him?
I wanted to punch myself for realizing it now.
I wanted to break down and cry but I chose not to. Not now. I might not be that brave but I had to try. This was not what I promised him. I promised him that I wouldn't let his hand go. No. No. No.
So, after battling my rationality, I settled with the one thing I couldn't seem to live without. Baekhyun.
I started to move my legs as I ran back to the entrance of the hiking place. I wanted to cry once more. My heart was full of guilt and regret but I did my best to stop myself from shedding any more tears for now.
My feet hurt, my legs hurt, my head hurt, my heart hurt as I continued to make my way down. I was rattling inside and was trying my best not to trip and die while trying to make up for the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life. Half of my brain was trying to tell me that he wouldn't be there anymore because I just did my best to push him away but the other half refused to give up. If he wasn't there, then I would have to live with this regret forever.
I hate myself. That was one thing I was sure of.
I slowed down when I was about a few meters away from the entrance of the hiking place. My heart was pounding so loud, it was deafening. My hands were slightly shaking, my lips trembling but it was not because of the cold. I was scared, I was scared to face the possibility that he might not be there anymore.
I took one last breath trying to muster all the courage I had left to step out.
And then...
I froze and started to cry. There was no use stopping my tears. The lump in my throat was so painful. I was crying so hard once more, I just had to cover my mouth using the back of my hand.
He was still here.
He was still here and he was looking right back at me.
He was leaning against his car, his hands shoved inside his pocket as if he had been waiting.
He didn't look angry, he even looked relieved the moment he laid his eyes on me as he straightened his posture.
We continued to gaze at each other as we stood a few meters away.
My knees were starting to feel weak and I was pretty sure I'd collapse if I remained standing on my spot. I wanted to say his name, call him, and apologize for being so selfish but I couldn't. I was too busy crying. I couldn't think coherently and I certainly couldn't control my emotions right now.
Then, I saw how he removed his hands from his pockets as he attempted to step towards me.
NO. My mind rattled. I couldn't make him do this. I couldn't let him be the one to make the first move again. This was all because of me. I had to do it. I had to be the one to reconcile. I owe it to him. I left him and broke his heart. I need to be the one to do this.
So, without wasting any time, I wiped my tear-stained cheeks before I forced my weakened legs to walk and eventually run toward him. I fixed my eyes on him while I made hasty steps to approach him and when I was just a few feet away, I saw how he slightly spread his arms, as if he was ready to welcome me.
I swear my heart was about to melt.
There was a loud thud the moment I sent my body crashing against his. The impact was so strong but his broad chest was able to hold our weight. I wound my arms tightly around him as an undeniable relief took all over me.
"Oh god, you're still here," I muttered in a muffled voice. "You're here."
His familiar warmth slowly enveloped my entire being as it warmed not only my body but also my heart. His scent filled my senses and I realized how not ready I was to lose him.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was selfish. I'm sorry." I apologized over and over again trying my best to steady my voice because my tears had made their presence known once more.
He lifted a hand to caress the back of my head and to be honest, instead of comforting me, it might have just urged me to cry even more.
"No Baby, it's okay. It's okay now." He said as he hushed me to stop crying. "I'm here. It's okay now." He added in the most reassuring way possible.
God. I don't deserve this man.
"I'm sorry I hurt you..." I trailed off to pull away from him so I could look at his face. "I was just-"
My explanation was cut when he hushed me to stop once more. He cupped my face with his both hands before tucking my hair behind my ears. He also used his thumbs to wipe my tears.
"You came back." His voice was gentle and filled with affection as he smiled subtly. "And it's all that matters." He added as he pulled me closer to him, and leaned to kiss my forehead twice before finally wrapping his arms around me.
This feeling. This feeling I get when he seems to hold me like he's never letting me go, how could I ever throw this away?
I closed my eyes as I concentrated on nothing else but his presence.
***
We were both standing with our backs leaning against the compartment of his car. We were facing the trails that led up to our special place. It was tempting but due to the cold, we both decided to stay where we were and just hike next time.
I tilted my head to look at him and I was welcomed by his perfect side profile. His face was very calm now while he played with my left hand which he had been doing for the last couple of minutes. Then I thought to myself, what if I didn't come back? What if I chose to live conveniently and apart from him? Then maybe I wouldn't be able to gaze at him like this. I wouldn't be able to experience how good it was every time he held my hand.
Then he turned to face me all of a sudden, catching me probably with a dreamy look on my face. I blushed, of course. He brought a hand to brush the hair, covering my face due to the wind, away from my face. And I couldn't help but notice how soft the look in his eyes was and how he lovingly gazed at me while he did it.
"Why didn't you leave?" I heard myself hesitantly ask him.
His eyes met mine as I anticipated his response which came through a slight smirk.
"Why did you come back?" He asked in return, leaving my question unanswered.
"Because..." I momentarily looked away feeling a bit anxious. "I realized how stupid I was to walk away in the first place," I told him, this time gazing intently at him.
"And because..." I trailed off a bit as I saw him smile. "Because I love you."
He seemed pleased as his smile reached his eyes. I love it when his beautiful eye smiles make an appearance.
"Well..." He paused to clear his throat. "I realized how stupid it would be for me to give you up that easily...so I didn't leave."
I felt him brushing his thumb playfully against my hand.
"And I love you." He uttered and he almost had me crying.
He was so sweet and gentle, how could I ever leave him? How could I ever sacrifice moments like these with him just because of what other people might have to say? And as I was about to get sentimental once more, I heard him clear his throat as if wanting to get my attention.
"Now, can we please stop talking and kiss already?" He suggested, the corner of his lips turning up, forming into a beautiful crooked smile.
I didn't respond. His smile somewhat left me mesmerized. He seemed to wait for my response but when he didn't get any, he initiated to face me. He was now standing right in front of me while I still had my back leaning on the compartment of his car. He slowly took my hands and brought them over his shoulders while his eyes never left mine. Then his hands found their way to the curve of my waist.
I didn't understand what it was but it seemed like everything slowed down. He momentarily looked down and I witnessed how the corners of his lips turn upward making way for a subtle smile. I swear it was like magic, how his eyes were filled with affection as he met mine once more.
No words. There were no words between us and honestly, I was so scared to even utter a word and ruin everything because if I did, I'd never forgive myself. And right when I was busy convincing myself to concentrate on the feeling, he stepped closer, immediately causing me to hold my breath. I did it as my eyes remained glued to his face. He was amused, I swear he smirked at my reaction right before he lifted a hand to my neck, his thumb delicately tracing my jawline.
And my god, I was about to go crazy. My heartbeat was beginning to go wild behind my chest and I was pretty sure he could hear it. I suddenly blushed at the thought, making me look away to avoid his heavy stare. I thought it was a good idea but I had to think twice when I suddenly felt his lips on my jaw which automatically made me freeze. I blinked twice, no maybe thrice.
He kissed me once more, right on the same spot before his lips went to my chin, and eventually his small kisses led to the corner of my lips. I took a deep breath and before I could even think of something else, he spoke.
"Hey." He said in a slightly raspy voice.
Blushing, I miraculously was able to find the strength to face him.
"I'm about to go crazy..." he trailed off as he brought another hand to tuck my hair behind my ear. "And it's all your fault." He added as he shut his eyes closed for a brief moment.
I blushed harder when I saw his jaw clenched, his Adam's apple moving as he swallowed. My throat suddenly felt dry, I knew I needed to say something so I slightly parted my lips while I tried to think of a decent reply. But then my attempt to speak flew out of the window when he, without any warning, leaned closer. His warm lips claimed mine in an instant.
I was surprised, of course, but he made sure I wouldn't be able to entertain that because his lips started to brush against mine aggressively and I couldn't help but get lost amidst all the sensations his kiss was giving me. I automatically shut my eyes as my entire being gave in to his demanding mouth, parting my lips. It instantly sent shivers down my spine. Then my lips started to catch up with his pacing. I wasn't thinking, I couldn't. My heart was hammering, it was making me deaf. Then I started to get weak in the knees so, I clung to him like I was holding on for dear life. I tightened my arms around his neck, my fingertips unintentionally gripping his hair. He groaned and almost gave me a heart attack when he suddenly lifted me off my feet and made me sit in the compartment of his car.
He stared at me for a few seconds and by using his hands, he tilted my head up so he could have better access to my mouth once more. And without any words, began to kiss me again. His kisses were as insistent and aggressive as the first one and I just couldn't help but go with it. It was making me crazy. Incoherent thoughts filled my mind.
My face was so hot and I didn't feel cold all of a sudden. He wasn't the only one warm now. And I almost lost it when he placed one hand on the back of my neck, the other went down to the small of my back, pulling me closer to him. I circled my hands around his neck once more as I focused on how good the kiss was. My head was spinning now, making me feel as though I was intoxicated.
His satin soft lips began to slow down a bit, turning the kiss into a gentle and affectionate one before he finally detached his experienced mouth from mine. With our foreheads touching, and our lips just an inch away from each other, we both panted a bit in unison. His hands found their way back to my face as my own were comfortably draped around his shoulders.
"I'd go mad with the thought of not being able to kiss you like this." He told me and ended his statement with a smile, his warm breath fanning my face.
A coy smile crossed my lips upon hearing his remarks.
Oh god, I love him. I even love every word that comes out of his mouth.
"I was scared." He muttered once more, as he pulled away from me a bit so he could stare at me.
The playful look on his face was nowhere to be found. He sounded serious and there was a sentimental look on his face.
"I thought I lost you earlier."
His voice gave me that familiar tug in my heart, I couldn't help but feel a sense of guilt. How could I ever initiate a heartbreak that we both didn't want in the first place?
Unable to come up with an appropriate reply, I pulled him closer to me. I didn't know what to say. I guess I was not as good as him when it comes to words. I hugged him tighter, hoping that he'd somehow be able to read my gestures. His face was buried against my neck, while his nose traced my skin.
Nothing has been quite easy since we started this relationship aside from being with him in moments like these. When we're apart, I tend to overthink our situation but when we're together, nothing else seems to matter anymore.
Thirty minutes. A whole thirty minutes was what it took me to realize that I could never stand not being with him, that I want and need him in my life. I need him like how I need the sunset to remind me that everything will be okay at the end of the day.
I tilted my head up to look at the sky as I began to tear up again.
"I am not going anywhere," I muttered in a slightly cracked voice.
He must have sensed that I was crying again so he straightened his posture as he stood in front of me. His eyes met mine straightaway.
I brought my hands to cup his face, my thumbs gently brushing his soft skin.
"I'm not going anywhere without you," I told him as I made an effort to sound reassuring.
There was a soft expression on his face, his beautiful brown orbs exploring every part of my face.
And right at that very moment,
while tears roll down my cheeks...
I leaned my face towards his, closed my eyes, and planted a kiss on his lips.
~♥~
AN: Hey you guys, here's an early update for all of you. Here's Baekhyun and Haewon TT. I have to get this scene off my chest because it's so heavy.