"I can't say fancy elf maids myself." Kili stated, looking at Dwalin. "To thin." He continued. I looked down to my lap, hating my self for being anorexic. " They're all, high check boned and creamy skinned." I sunk more into my chair, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. My pale hands twisted the fabric around as I struggled to keep my breathing even. He was basically describing me. I was nowhere as beautiful as an elf, but being supposedly part elf and seeing the resemblance, it still stung. "Not enough facial heir for me." He spoke again. I cringed before remembering what Ori had told me earlier about how female dwarfs had beards too, and that it was what made them beautiful. And so I compared myself again, and by that I'm saying that I belittled myself again.
"Although, that one there's not bad."He says gesturing to an elf across the way. I turned to look and snickered a little under my breath. "That's not an elf maid." Dwalin says quietly. The male elf turned around and the entire table burst out into laughter. Kili looked shocked for a moment, before showing a hint of embarrassment. "It's funny." He says looking like a kicked puppy. I, still laughing, rested my head agents his shoulder to try and show him that it didn't make him any less to me. We just all thought it was rather funny. It only took a second for me to sit up straight again and return to feeling let down by myself. I excused myself early from dinner and headed to my room for the night. The elves were kind enough to spare one for me.
"Why do I have to be so...me?" I question myself. I sigh loudly and lowered my head in defeat. I was ugly, and noting was going to change that. Entering my room I shut the door behind me and slowly made my way to the mirror. I was practically swimming in the jacket that I had been loaned from Fili. Slipping it off it revealed my short sleeved shirt. The cool autumn wind bit at my arms but I didn't mind. I looked at myself again in the mirror. I wanted to be sick. To cover all the mirrors in all the world so that I could never see my reflection ever again.
But that couldn't happen. I was going to be this way forever. Sitting down on the bed to my left I looked down, once again, to my lap. A strand of my fire red hair fell into my face. Taking it into my hand I studied it. When it was taken out of the braid earlier is when I had just realized just how long it was. I twisted it in between my slim fingers. It was so cold they were numb but I couldn't care less.
Pulling it as well as the rest of the hair up into a bun, I stood up and walked towards the bag that had been slung over my shoulder for almost the entire trip. I opened it and looked at the stuff gathered inside. I had picked up some shiny rocks along the path, as well as some flowers. Looking passed those things I ran my fingers over the binding the few books I had left. My mind wandered to the book again. The name and writing inside the cover.
With a deep sigh I tossed it over to the small dest and fell back onto the bed. " This is all so weird." I murmur to myself. Thoughts were running through my head and I couldn't take it anymore. Standing up I stretched and then reached for my boots and Fi's coat. Shrugging it on I began humming while pulling the boots over my feet. Humming turned into full singing as I walked towards the door.
"Dont cry or do
Whatever makes you comfortable
I'm tiered too
There's nothing left to say
Let's call it a truce
'Cause I don't really wanna go to bed like this."
I sung to myself as walked down the quiet halls. The sun hadn't quite sunken yet, so I headed towards the door we came in. The images danced around me, but I ignored them and continued walking down the corridor. The images in front of me were all of the company. All the laughs and fun times. But they mostly revolved around him. I'd known him for about a week and a half, and already had fallen head first for him. 'This is stupid Jamie, this only happens in movies! Not in real life!'
"I'm so sorry
That we're still stuck in the middle
I'm so sorry
'Cause the moment, I
I don't know what it's like to be you
I don't know what it's like but I'm dyeing too
If I can put myself in your shoes
Then I'll know what it's like to be you."
I see him again, and I can almost hear his voice in my ears. Kili. He's laughing and dancing around the camp fire. It was the most stupid thing I had ever seen, but I couldn't stop laughing when it had first happened. And even now, I chuckled lightly to myself. His face was tinged pink and the moon and fire highlighted his smile.
" Can I kiss ou at night?
'Cause I'm not really sure I know
What you want
Are you still mad at me?
I'm hopping not
'Cause maybe we could go to the movies
I know that always cheers us up."
I thought about the last time I had gone to see a movie, and then there it was in front of my face. I grabbed my mother's hand and gestured for the rest of the rest of my family to hurry up. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, raking them through the snow. I was ten at the time, and 'Star Wars: The Last Jedi' had just come out. I had always been obsessed with stars, and wars were intriguing. A bunch of grown-ups fighting over the floor space with weapons of mass destruction. The ten year old continued to run towards the theater, wind biting at her little rosy cheeks. Although for some reason it didn't stop her from smiling. I hadn't smiled that genuinely in a long time, until I woke up here.
"Aye, I'm so sorry
That we're stuck in the middle
Yeah, I'm sorry
'Cause at the moment, I
I don't know what it's like to be you
I don't now what it's like but I'm dyeing to
If I can put myself in your shoes
Then I'll know what it's like to be you."
I thought about the conversation that was had at dinner. I wondered what it was like in the head of a dwarf. They were interesting creatures, and I was a curious one. The characters in front of me changed again to the dwarfs. I had a specific memory for every one of them, and they replayed over and over again. They were each unique and different in their own way.
" Tell me what's inside of your head?
No matter what you say, I won't leave you less
And I'll be lying if I said that Ido
I don't know what is's like to be you
I don't know what it's like to be you
I get worried
I might lose you a little
Every time we
Every time we argue
And get caught up in the moment."
Then a slightly younger version of myself ran across my vision. She held a surf board tight inter arms, walking towards the ocean. The sun was setting and the hues were breathtaking. I started wondering what this memory had to do with the song, until footsteps were heard behind me. I had now walked out the gates and was wondering the gardens, and looking towards the setting sun I kept singing.
"I don't know what it's like to be you
I don't know what it' like but I'm dyeing to
If I can put myself in your shoes
Then I'll know what it's like to be you
So tell me what's inside of your head?
No matter what you say, I won't love you less
And I'd be lying if I said that I do
I don know what it's like to be you
I don't know what it's like to be you
I don't know what it's like..."
I finished the song quietly, turning around to see who had followed me. Kili looked at me with a confused look in his big brown eyes. " What was that song?" He questioned softly, "It's called 'Like To Be You'. I think it's a duet, but I'm only one person so I made it work." He tilts his head,"If you could teach me, we could make it a duet...only if you wanted to. I-I mean if you are to busy with showing Ori how to read I understand that too.." He sheepishly tells me. I took a deep breath and plopped down into the soft grass. Patting the spot next to me, with a soft smile. he sits next to me, and I sing his part of the song. He repeated it after I finished and we sat there for a while. Just singing the song over and over again.
"What does this song mean?" He asks confused. "All of our songs tell stories, do yours?" I laugh lightly. " Um, some of them do. This one does in a way. I have no idea what it's like to be you, and I never will." I look away from him. "You are ok, right?" He takes my hand. By this point it was dark and I was thankful, because he couldn't see my blush. "Yeah, I am okay." His smirk was hardly visible in the dark. "I don't know what it's like to be you either, you know." I laugh at his remark.
"We should go..It's dark, the others will be worried soon." I whisper standing up. I take his hand pulling him with me. He hugs me tightly," Thank you for teaching me." I laughed and hugged him back. "Now we have a song we can always sing together!" I say pulling him back to the elvish castle.