Chapter 22
Biting My Tongue (not)
highly unedited waters- all hands on deck.
She’s just standing there. Looking at us all as if we were caged animals in a zoo. Man, its silent in here.
“Surprise,” my dad says rather lamely. What, did he expect us to be excited about our mother returning home after she put us through all of that again? I mean- it sucks having to mother your mother.
“MOMMMY,” Emma exclaims as she runs to our mother and straight into the open arms waiting to receive her and scoop her up into a hug.
It takes me a moment to figure out that Emma is so ecstatic to see her because she is still blissfully unaware that ‘mommy’ was away on a rehab trip.
“Emma, it’s bed time. I’ll tuck you in.” Dad decides. Finally picking up on the fact that we weren’t exactly over the moon. I mean, some time to prepare would have been great dad. I could have taken out my anger in the gym. Now I’ll have to bite my tongue.
It might seem irrational to be so angry and I know that I should be more supportive towards the recovering alcoholic before me but all I feel is fury. Especially when I think of the day I found her and how she lied to Dan’s face the following morning. It brought up so many memories from our childhood.
Things like her staggering in drunk for a school play and everyone turning and looking at her as she screamed at me to sing louder. The time she got drunk and them took it out on a then eleven-year-old Cassie. Telling Cassie (who still had her puppy fat) that she was ugly and fat. It’s her fault that Cassie became anorexic later on. I remember the time she called Pete, Cassie and I stupid because our marks weren’t as good as Dan’s. Which lead to Dan dumbing himself down to try and prevent her screaming at us.
The worst, by far, was when she started hitting Cassie with a telephone because Cassie didn’t want to go with her to visit grandma. When Cassie managed to get the telephone away she grabbed the remote and continued hitting her. Cassie ran to the kitchen and grabbed a rolling pin. She used it to defend herself against the remote. She ran to the Play Room and locked the door. Mom banged on the door so violently that the top hinge broke and the door was hanging from the bottom hinge and the lock. All the while Cassie stood in between Will, Dan, Pete, Emma and I and the door with the rolling pin high above her head. She was poised to defend us if Mom got in. Luckily Dad and arrived and calmed mom down then calmed Cassie down.
Will was completely terrified of her after that and refused to go near her. He was only five and was convinced my mother was some sort of demonic monster or something.
That was when Mom finally decided to get help. That was when she finally realised what a monster her drinking turned her in. None us of blamed her because we understood that during those times the alcohol controlled her.
However, this time I blamed her. I blamed her because I knew that she knew the effects her alcoholism had and she had gotten over it when she chose to drink again. This was her choice.
“I’m going to…clean the bathroom.” Dylan stutters. Poor boy was so desperate to escape the tension that he couldn’t even make up a decent excuse.
We all watch as he stumbled up the stairs hurriedly after Emma and Dad.
“I think we need to talk,” She says
No sh*t Sherlock.
She makes her way to the red and gold armchair which has unofficially become hers over the years.
She takes a deep breath before beginning, “I’m so sorry that I drank that day. I had a hard day at work. The sales of the company had decreased and we had just lost a huge tender for a popular diabetes drug and I knew that was going to cost us more money. I didn’t know what to do. I thought that I was seeing my life’s work go up in flames and in that moment I had a drink. I gave in to that tiny voice that told me to do it and I drank. I’m so sorry. I know how badly it affects all of you…”
“No, you don’t f*cking know,” I cut her off. By now her eyes had started to shimmer with tears but that only served to irritate me more. How dare she laugh and act like this wasn’t her fault.
“Riley. Mind your language. I don’t like that vulgar sort of language in my house,”
I ignore her,” You bloody well don’t know. You don’t know what it’s like to carry your mother’s drunken unconscious body up the stairs whilst flashbacks of the previous times she was intoxicated play in your mind. All the time worrying your younger sister was going to walk in. Worrying that your younger brother wasn’t going to be able to deal. He’s fourteen, mom, only fourteen. He’s just a kid and he had to carry his drunken mom up the stairs. And, you will never know what that is like. So don’t speak such horrible lies. I am so tired of all your lies. First you lied to Dan and I and now this. What next? I am so sick of this. I am so sick of you doing this to all of us. Apologize to me when you actually feel sorry for what you did.”
By now I am yelling- so much for biting my tongue- and I can feel a hot, wet liquid trail down my face. Then it strikes me, I’ve started to cry. It’s just that she has disappointed me horribly.
I take one final look around the room. All of my siblings are quiet and looking at Mom. I can see in their faces that they agree with me. Mom is looking downwards. Tears also streak her face.
“Say something,” I demand.
Her shoulders just slump some more.
I can’t take this anymore. I just shake my head and walk upstairs. I hate it when she makes herself a victim and plays the weak, pathetic damsel in distress. I know her, now she is simply sitting there feeling sorry for herself. I can’t stand it. I wish she would just stand up and give me some answers. She’s my mom, shouldn’t she know what’s worrying me.
I grab my car keys off the counter and practically sprint to my car. I ram the keys into the ignition and start the car hastily before pressing down on the gas.
Before I am aware of it I am pulling up into Sandra’s driveway and her grandmother and mother are greeting me in the friendly way they do. They tell me she is upstairs and I navigate the familiar stairs before plunging down on her bed. I always feel so special jumping on San’s bed because it’s a well-known fact that she only allows certain people onto it.
She looks at me from her desk parallel to her bed.
“What’s wrong?” Is all she has to ask.
It all comes pouring out of me. Sandra is the only one of my friends I could ever be honest with about my mother’s problems. She is also the only one who understands for some reason and I always know that she will give me her honest opinion- even if that means she has to sh*t on me for doing something wrong.
This time all she does is look up at me.
“What, no lecture on how I over reacted and should treat my mom better?” I ask slightly venomously.
“What can I say? Your actions, though dramatic and rude, were justified. It’s time you finally told her how you feel. I have been telling you for years that holding it in was bad for you. I think this was overdue actually.”
With that she walks out of the bedroom. I grab her iPad and start playing some music. I think it’s a band called BoysLikeGirls or something. I just needed noise of some sort.
Sandra walks back in with two spoons and two pints of Haagen-Dazs ice-cream. Belgium Chocolate for her and Crème Brule for me. We sit there watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Frends and Buffy the Vampire Slayer whilst shoving our face with ice-cream. Shows from the 90’s were honestly just better.
Eventually I look at my watch and I see that it is now two in the morning. To think that just a couple hours ago I was arriving home from my date with Seth and sharing funny stories with my family.
I realise I should go now since it’s late and I don’t want to intrude on Sandra’s parents in the morning.
I climb out the window so I didn’t disturb San’s parents and use her blue mini cooper since the sound of my engine would probably alert them to my leaving. After all, my car is a muscle car and the sound is makes when starting can be completely inappropriate for certain places and activities (use this as an example.)
After promising I won’t damage her ‘baby’ and telling her I’ll swing by her house tomorrow to pick up my car- I finally head on the road home.
I park Sandra’s car where mine usually sits and look at the house. I was so not ready to face the parents yet. Not after the temper tantrum I just threw.
So I decide to embrace my boyish side again. Who care that I am still in the woolen dress and boots I went out on the date in.
I walk over to the huge Oak tree outside Dan’s room. I remember all the times my elder siblings would climb out of this thing to go out on dates or come in after curfew.
I begin to climb. At first the plastic soles of my boots make me slip and slide. I stop and sit down on the thick tree branch and pull the boots off. Now where to put them? I couldn’t leave them on the ground or mom and dad would realise what I had done.
I got it. I took the top part of the boots and shoved them down the front of my dress. I probably looked like my chest had grown boneless legs, or abnormally large bunny ears. Honestly, I could not care less in this moment.
I continued to climb until I reached Dan’s window.
I tapped and tapped. Is the boy deaf? I swear he sleeps like the dead.
I take out one of my boots and begin to swing the soled part of it against the window continuously, basically making the window my own personal piñata.
Finally Dan-the-sleeping-dead opens his window. He scans me once up and down before moving aside to let me inside.
“Geez Riley, I knew you wanted boobs but seriously this is going to far. Give it a few years and they’ll probably kick in.”
He focuses his gaze on the remaining boot coming out of my chest.
I glare at him before snatching the boot out and marching out of Dan’s room towards my own. I slam my door and head towards my shower.
I let the hot water beat down on my back and rhythmically calm me down. I change into soft, fluffy pj’s and slip under my warm duvet. I need to get some rest.
Tomorrow is the big tournament and I need to be in optimal condition- so that Dan will get his just desserts for that little comment of his.
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“She was completely just!!!”
I wake up with a jolt. You’d think that by now I would be used to all the yelling in this household but it still gets me off guard…every time.
“She should never have spoken to your mother like that,” my father retaliates.
“Dad. You weren’t there. We were. Riley was right,” Pete screams.
I sit up a bit straighter at the mention of my name.
“She was completely out of line.”
Sounds like there is trouble–a-brewing downstairs. I quickly get up and brush my teeth. The sound of the screaming from downstairs is temporarily drowned out by the running water. I spit and head for my cupboard. I decide not to shower again since I had showered at two this morning and I am going to play soccer now anyway. So it would be a pointless activity.
As I throw on a pair of tracksuit pants and a tank top I hear by brothers and my dad continue to argue over me.
“Maybe if you looked at the situation objectively rather than subjectively you would see that Riley is right and you protect Mom too much,” Dan says with that calm-yet-scary manner of his.
However, that tone of his voice doesn’t affect my father as much as it would my mother and I can practically hear the scowl in my fathers voice as he shouts something back.
“Your mother just returned from a very…um… stressful period,” So Emma was sitting there watching this which, means that I need to hurry up, “and she did not need that unnecessary attack.”
I grab my tog bag from the floor that contains my soccer kit and rush down the stairs to the kitchen. As I move I can still hear the yells in the background.
“What do you mean attack? All Riley did was express her opinion. Something you do daily on a national level. Or would you rather she hold it in and have a mental breakdown?” Pete screams back.
Both my father and Pete have explosive tempers and if I don’t get down there and fight my own battle those two could end up in a very dire situation.
Luckily I have arrived at the kitchen by now.
Unluckily my sudden arrival- complete with short-breathiness- has no effect on these two bulls in the kitchen.
“Dad…” I start.
“Don’t you bring my profession into this. It’s what pays for the bill and the food on this table. And as for your sister, I am her father. And therefore I hold the right to discipline her when I see fit,” My father yells. His face is red indicating just how upset he was, “Riley is my daughter and I love her. Of course she needed to tell us what she was thinking. I just that think the time and place she did it was inappropriate. And she really hurt your mom. That was wrong of her.” Dad says a bit more gently this time.
“Dad,” I say a bit louder this time.
“That may be so but, you have no right to discipline her when you are being unfair,” Dan screams in his oddly serene manner. I will never figure out how he does that but even his yelling makes it seem like he is still composed and in complete control of himself.
“That’s true. However, I am not being unfair. What she did to her mother was wrong.” Dad defends.
“No it wasn’t. And if you would stop beating yourself up over what happened to mom and making mom the victim you would see that dad. Riley was right. Just like how mom will never know what it felt like, you too will never know how much it hurt to go through that. To see your older sister with bruises and scratch marks on her arms still defending you. Until you can honestly say you understand that- you have no right to be angry at Riley for what she did.” Pete screams.
By now you can see the hurt evident on everyone’s face. Emma is cowering in the corner and looking extremely confused, Dan and Pete wear identical expressions of anger, Cassie and Mom just look hurt and Dad looks deflated and disappointed in himself. Will just gets up and runs up the stairs.
“Come on Riley, let’s go. I’ll get you something to eat on the way to school.” Dan says.
With that Pete and Dan grab their kit bags and all three of us walk out the house. A short while later Will follows us with his kitbag and Cassie in tow.
“I hope you don’t mind but I can’t stand being in that house after this morning and last night.” Cassie says as she jumps into the back seat.
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It’s the final match of the tournament.
The teachers had been disqualified in the first round, which, was expected since they has Ms. Brently on their team.
Now it’s the old students versus the new ones. This was the match everyone had been waiting for. The crowds had packed the bleachers and the atmosphere was full of cheerfulness and excitement. Too bad none of that happiness rubbed off on me.
My dad and I never had any issues in our relationship. In fact, out of my parents I was closer to him. It had hurt me to know that he though I had handled the situation incorrectly and whilst I knew he was right I can’t help but wish he could see my side of the story.
I hear the commentator over the intercom. He was announcing the players in the opposing team. The crowd screamed especially loud when Dan, Jake, Dylan and some other guy’s name were mentioned.
Now it’s our turn. Pete’s name is called out first since he is the captain. Then Ryan since he is the vice-captain. Then Philip, Wren, Will and everyone else. I was to be called on second last, just before the goalie, since I was a center-forward today.
“Annndd the newest player on the field. She’s also a Harper ladies and gents. RILEY HARPER.”
I walk out as my name is called and though the crowd screams it’s not as loudly as they did for everyone else. I suppose it’s because they are still skeptical about having a girl on the team. Well, I will show them.
“And folks. For the first time in a while all the Harper sisters are in one place. That’s a rare occasion since they’re so many of them. Yes, there are four of the Harper’s on the field today. And little Emma is on the bleachers right next to the extremely hot and ravishing Cassie Harper. How ya doing doll face?” OHH, erm, hi Mr. Harper. Didn’t see you there.”
I move my head back and forth between Dylan, my Dad (both of whom are looking extremely pissed-off) and the commentator. I almost laugh at the look on the commentators when suddenly what he said sinks in. My dad is here. Holy sh*t.
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Well. Let’s just say I proved the school wrong. I defended the goal that would have drawn the game in the 92nd minute. Yay, go me.
Unfortunately all my feeling of happiness died the minute I saw my father waiting for me. His brown mustache was thick and his whole demeanor demanding respect and exerting authority.
Suddenly Seth popped up in front of me.
“Well done Babe. He says pulling me into a hug,” And even though I hate that nickname I decide to let it go. After all it was he who was currently and unintentionally helping me to avoid my father.
“Okay, so don’t shoot me. I asked Cassie to pack some change clothes for you earliar and she did. So what do you say you and I celebrate your win?”
I look at my over-enthusiastic boyfriend and decide that I would like nothing better that to be with him.
“Sure,” I say grabbing the bag of change clothes he had with him,” be ready in a few minutes.”
And I was since I was the only girl in the girl’s locker room. I showered and freshened up. Thank heavens the girls locker rooms down here were only used by two teams so it’s still pretty new.
After I came out I told my siblings where I was going. Sorry dad but that uncomfortable conversation you want to have will have to wait.
“So where we going?” I ask Seth as I jump into the back of the car. The clothes Cassie picked were quite casual (which must have killed her) and that lead me to believe we were going some place less fancy which was the best news I had heard all night.
“Just enjoy the ride. Just enjoy the ride,”
And I did…for five seconds before I began to annoy him again by asking what we were doing.
“Fine, but only because trying to keep a secret from you is like trying to keep to make water flow upwards… impossible.”
Author's Note
Hi
Sorry i've been MIA
School restarted for me this week- so yeah that sucks. I forgot what a-holes go to my school but lucky for me i still have two terms left to remember. (@Santhuri24- the struggle of our lives.)
Then i got sick this week so i was busy catching up.
Plus a ton of emotional crap and a sudden and hopefully temporary inability to sleep. Here's to hoping that i don't have insomnia.
Add that together and you get one late update. I am so so so sorry for those of you who have been waiting for this.
Also, this chapter was meant to have more in it but i looked at it and decided that though it wasn't that long it already had too much going on. So I split it into two chapters. Sorry for leaving you at a slight cliffhanger.
LOVE YOU LOTS LIKE JELLYTOTS
LostBandGirl