Although Axel and I started dating, we haven't had any real progress in our relationship. He was proactively trying to advance, but I still had this tall wall in front of me,
I know it's unfair to him, but I guess I was still very afraid of getting hurt.
The less intimate we are, the less I'll get hurt when he leaves me. I kept on thinking that, and in the end, it only made me feel guilty.
Axel is a nice guy, really. He doesn't deserve someone who has a lot of emotional baggage when it comes to a relationship. It's frustrating. I like really Axel, but I can't show it to him, I can't fully express it because of my fear.
I feel a bit jealous of Damien and Teo. Damien could freely show how much he loves Teo, and he doesn't care where it is, or who might see it. And Teo, he might be shy, but his the way he looks at Damien, the way he touches him, and the way he talks to him, it's very clear how deep his love for him is.
Those two already introduced each other to their parents and yet mine was still clueless about Axel.
My relationship with my Dad became strained when he learned about me and Nelson, but my Mom was a different story. She was very supportive. And during those dark depressed days, she was the one who was always by my side.
My Mom was all I had then, before I met Damien and James.
Meanwhile, all I had done was be sarcastic towards Axel. I guess, Nelson left a deeper wound in me than I thought.
It was the weekend after Teo's birthday, and it was the day I finally decided to let go of my past with Nelson and forget all about it. Doing that was the only way that I could move forward with Axel.
"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you?" Axel insisted as I told him over the phone that I was going out, alone.
"I'm fine on my own." I told him. "I just need to buy something, I wouldn't take long." It was a lie.
I wasn't going out to buy something, and I didn't want him to know what I was up to. Not that I wanted to hide or lie to him, I just didn't want him to think more of it.
"Okay, will we be having lunch together?" Axel asked.
"Ummm... I'm not sure. I'll call you." I told him.
Honestly, I felt guilty. More so, because I was about to meet my ex, Nelson.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't cheating on Axel. I just wanted to move on from my past with Nelson, and I figured that I can only really move on if I talk to him.
I have no plans on forgiving him, or even being friends with him again. If anything, I just wanted to tell him that we should both forget what happened.
I don't want to be stuck in that memory forever. I want to make new ones with Axel.
I was in front of the elevator when Nelson called. "I'm on my way, you didn't have to call."
"Just making sure..." He said.
"Of what? I'm not you, Nelson. Once I promised something, I see through it." I told him. "I won't take long, I'll text you when I'm there." I told him as the elevator opened.
Honestly, I'm not sure exactly how I should talk to Nelson. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't agree by most of my demands, but it's worth a shot. All I was thinking back then, was that after that day, I could focus on Axel.
No more fears of intimacy, no more dears of being left behind.
When I told Nelson to meet over breakfast, I didn't expect him to make a huge fuss over it. I mean, of all places, he chose the one we always used to go to. It brought back many memories that ultimately led to me remembering how he left me behind.
It made talking to him much more difficult.
I should've expected something like that from him. Nelson hasn't changed a bit, he still doesn't have a bit of sensitivity in him.
He might be trying to invoke some nostalgia, by bringing me there, but the only thing that came to my mind was the trauma of it all.
"Have a seat? Have you eaten breakfast yet? What would you like to eat?" Nelson bombarded me with questions the moment I arrived.
"Of all places, why here?" I asked him.
"You like this place."
"I used to like this place." I told him honestly. "Now, it only brings back bad memories." I added and sighed.
"Can't you like this place again?"
I am so over this place. I am so over you, you idiot.
"Nelson, I didn't ask you to meet me for this." I told him. "Let's forget what happened in the past."
"Sure, let's do that. Let's start again..."
"I don't mean that." I interrupted him. "Let's forget everything; that we were even friends, and that we used to date. Let's forget everything. No matter how hard I try, I can't even be your friend anymore. When I needed you the most, you left me behind. I lost most of what I thought were my friends - after they learn about us -, but what did you do? You made it look like that I forced you to save face. Then you abandoned me."
"Clark, I'm sorry. I'm very immature then. I thought that I can pretend what I'm not. I only thought about myself. I tried so hard to hold on to the life my friends and family thought I had, but I ended up hurting you. I was wrong to think that I'm going to be fine without you. I miss you."
"It's too late for that apology now. I'm already fine without you. I don't want that bad memory to hold me back anymore, I want to move forward, I want to forget everything, and I want to forget you. I can't do that if you keep appearing before me, so please, don't go near me anymore. I only came here to say that."
"Is it because of that guy?" Nelson asked.
That guy? Just so you know, 'that guy' is way better, in many ways, than you'll ever be. "Yeah. I want to move forward with Axel, so don't hold me back by making me remember the darkest time of my life." I told him honestly.
"What about me? You want to move forward with him, so you're leaving me behind?" It irritated the hell out of me. He had no right to asked me that, after he abandoned me.
"You're the one who left me behind first, Nelson. Don't forget that." I told him as I stood up. "This is the last time I'm going to talk to you. Let's not meet anymore."
"Aren't you curious who spread the rumors about us back then? Don't you want to know who caused us to break up and why they did that?" Nelson suddenly said.
"We broke up because you were a coward, don't try blaming anyone else." I would be lying if I say that I wasn't curious who caused all that mess before.
More than being curious, I was afraid to know the truth. At the back of my mind I had a suspicion, and I didn't want it to be true.
Talking to Nelson was a bad idea. I don't know what I was expecting of him, but I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't listen to what I wanted. It doesn't matter. Telling all of that straight in his face lifted a heavy weight on me.
Instead of going back home, I walked past our door and went to Axel's. "Clark, you're back early." He said as he opened the door while still holding the controller of his game console.
"Are you busy?" I asked him, I didn't give him enough time to answer, as I stepped inside.
"Not really. Just playing some game." He said as I closed the door behind me. "Is something wrong? Why are you here?"
I couldn't blame him for being quite surprised, before that, he was always the one who calls first, the one who asks me to come over, or the one who comes knocking on my door.
"I just want to see you, is something wrong with that?"
"No." He said with a smile. "Not at all." He looked satisfied with what I just said.
"Is Teo around?" I asked him as we walked towards the living area.
"He went out with Damien."
"I see..."
After practically confessing to him first, and giving him a chance, I was yet to show Axel that I really like him.
It was only after talking to Nelson and giving him a piece of my mind that I can finally let my guard down.
"Axel." I called him as we sat down on the couch. He turned to me and paused his game. I moved my hands closer to his face and he flinched. God, he flinched. That stumped me, was he thinking that I was going to hit him or anything. "Why did you flinch?"
"I don't know... I thought you were angry because I kept playing my game."
"You thought I was going to hit you?" I asked him back.
"Were you?" He asked me back.
"No!" I denied instantly.
"Ohhh..." He said, sounding guilty. "I wasn't thinking that." He denied, but his tone said differently.
"You were thinking that!" I sighed. "Say, Axel, are you afraid of me?"
"Should I be...?" He answered hesitantly. I looked at him in utter shock. Was I terrorizing him the whole time?
"Oh god... Do you think I'm mean?" I asked him.
"Ummm... you're mostly sarcastic. You're not mean, though, but..."
"But what?"
"You know my type, right?" He asked me. "I mean, personality-wise."
"I heard, yeah." He likes people with cat-like personality.
"Ever since we got together, you seemed to be always on the fiercer side, I really want to see that cute and sweet side of you again." He told me.
I sighed and then moved closer to him. I took Axel's hands and held it tightly. "I'm not as sweet as Teo, but I'll try to be less sarcastic with you, from now on."
"Really?" He asked.
"Yeah..." I said. "What else? Is there anything else?"
"Well, can you start calling me Babe?" He said with a sheepish smile.
This bastard, he's really pushing his luck. "Babe? You want me to call you that?"
"Yeah, every time..."
"Even in public?"
"Only if you want to. And oh, we should hold hands to, like Damien and Teo."
It's not like I didn't want to do those things, it's just that, it was the first time someone asked me first to do them. When I was with Nelson, those things were unthinkable.
"Then, would you mind if we do something else in public...?" I asked him.
"It depends, what is it?" He asked with a smile.
I leaned closer to him, my heart beating fast. I held his hand tighter as our lips locked. Axel, parted my lips with his own, and we kissed passionately for god knows how long. My heart was racing the whole time, and my body felt numb.
He was a great kisser. It felt good, and yet it irritated me, because that only meant he had a lot of experience. I suddenly felt the urge to nag him about how many people he had kissed before, but then I remembered I promised him that I would mellow down.
"That..." I told him, after our kiss.
Axel left out a much brighter and satisfied smiled. "Maybe a tamer version of that, I'm not an exhibitionist." He teased with a grin.
"Now you're just asking to be hit." I told him with a glare.
Axel grinned at me. "I don't mind a little S&M..." That deserves a hit, so I flicked his forehead. "That hurts..." He said sulkily.
"That's what you get for being a pervert." I told him.
"Too much, huh..." He said and then chuckled as he rubbed his forehead.
"Way too much." I added in affirmation.