Louise had been trying to find holes with me since earlier this day. I knew how bad she wanted to know what really happened to me and what is up with me now. Sino nga ba naman ang hindi magtataka. Just yesterday I was so eager to solve the puzzle while now, I do not feel like being part of any of this anymore.
"Leigh, there is a vacant there. Doon tayo," ani Louise at itinuro ang pang-dalawahang table sa bahaging dulo nitong restau.
Tahimik ko lang siyang sinundan habang pareho naming bitbit ang mga order namin. Dahil hindi naman nagkakalayo ang schedule namin ay sabay na kaming natapos sa pag-aaral para sa UNATEX. Ngunit ang totoo niyan ay hindi ko talaga alam kung nakuha ko nga ba ang lahat ng mga pinag-aralan namin kanina.
Diverting one's self to other things just to avoid what one had been seeking for was never easy. Tila kalahating bahagi na ng pagkatao ko ang kaugnay ng mga katanungan tungkol dito sa Heartfilia Academy and even with the Heartfilias themselves.
But I seriously need to set this aside. Hindi biro ang nangyari kanina. It concerned about my life for pete's sake!
"Just tell me when you are ready. I am here to listen," saad ni Louise ilang sandali lamang matapos kaming makaupo.
Tipid ko na lamang siyang nginitian. I had to admit that I was dying to see her earlier this morning to clarify things out, but after what happened? I no longer know. Alam kong binabantayan pa rin ako ng grupo nina Kylan. Kung sila nga ang Imperium, hindi malabong mayroon silang mata at tenga na pakalat-kalat sa loob ng campus.
"Louise," saad ko at bigla naman siyang napatingin, hinihintay ang mga susunod kong sasabihin, "Uh... nothing. Sorry."
Ibinalik ko ang atensyon ko sa kinakain ko. I know that Louise still have her eyes on me. Kung pwede lang na umalis ako rito ay aalis na talaga ako. Another realization is creeping into me.
Ano ang kaugnayan ng sinasabi nilang Imperium sa mga Heartfilia?
"Hey. Pwede ba kaming makiupo?" naagaw ni Axel ang atensyon ko. He was with Justine.
Alam kong halata sa ekspresyon ko ang pag-aalangan but it was Louise who made the decision. Hinila ni Axel ang kalapit na table at idinugtong ito sa amin.
"Dito ka rin namin unang nakausap Leigh," ani Justine na nasa tabi ni Louise at tinanguan ko na lamang ito.
"Look Aleighna, stop bothering yourself too much. You are safe here. Nagkaintindihan na sila sa meeting kanina. Kylan and his company can no longer set their foot here or something worse will happen. Nazaire was fired up and-"
"Axel," I cut him in between, "Just stop. I no longer want to hear a thing about it."
Agad namang humingi ng pasensya si Axel dahil dito. I maybe uncomfortable with them but I am not mad. Ayaw ko lang talaga na pag-usapan pa ang kung anumang pupwedeng magsindi ng apoy sa mga tanong ko, gayung hindi pa ito lubusang nawawala.
"Anyway Aleighna, as an SCB, I hope for you to still enjoy your stay here. Sana mawala na rin sa isip mo ang mga nangyari at pwede mo kaming takbuhan anytime," Justine assured me and I thank him, them, for that.
"Can I break the awkward atmosphere and ask where Nazaire is?" singit ni Louise sa amin.
"Nasa atrium extension. Nagpapahangin. Alam mo naman yang pi-," agad na napatigil si Axel na siyang dahilang ng pagtuon ng atensyon ko rito, "Alam mo naman yang presidente natin," patuloy niya ngunit pakiramdam ko ay may kakaiba sa kanyang sinabi.
I secretly shook my head because of that thought. I cannot open a hole that will lead me to somewhere this time.
"Siya nga pala, how is his arm?" tanong ko sa kanila nang maalala ang sugat ni Nazaire na dala ng daplis ng bala mula kay Kylan.
Sa halip na sagutin ako ay kakaibang ngiti ang ipinukol nila sa aking tatlo.
"And what's with that faces?" ani ko sa kanila ngunit nagpatuloy lamang sila.
"See guys?" sambit ni Louise sa dalawa na para bang nanalo siya sa isang pustahan- Oh wait! "Money down J and Axe!"
"Hoy teka lang Louise Andreia, wala pa!" pagsalungat ni Axel sa kanya.
"You're gross, Axe! Don't you dare call me Andreia again! Akin na, 500 each."
"Do not be too confident, Louise," angal naman ni Justine at uminom pa ito sa order niyang beer. Oh yes, beer!
"Sandali lang," singit ko sa kanilang tatlo, "Anong nangyayari?"
"It's just a simple bet, Leigh, don't worry," sagot ni Louise sa akin at sinamahan pa niya ito ng mapang-asar na ngiti.
"Does it have something to do with me?" nagtatakang tanong ko sa kanila kahit na halatang namang oo! What are they up to?
"You and Nazaire actually."
Napataas ako ng kilay dahil sa sinabi ni Axel. What is it with me and the SCB President? Napansin ko namang napahilamos ng palad si Louise.
"J, paano mo ba naging kaibigan itong napakadaldal na nilalang na ito?"
"Wala na marahil mapagsadlakan ang mundo sa kaniya kaya sa amin nina Aire binigay," natatawa namang saad ni Justine.
"Wow, J. Ang kapal ng libag mo ha!" angal ni Axel at dahil sa napalakas ang boses niya ay naagaw na naman namin ang atensyon ng mga tao sa loob ng restau.
Pilit ko mang pigilin ang sarili ko sa pagtawa ay kumawala pa rin ang ilan dito.
"Hoy! Anong libag ang pinagsasabi mo?"
At nagsimula na ang pagpapalitan nila ng asaran. Nagkatinginan na lang kami ni Louise at pareho na rin kaming natatawa sa bayangan nitong dalawa. Ang sarap nilang tingnan. Para silang magkapatid na nagtatalo.
"Sir," natigil ang dalawa nang lumapit sa amin ang isang crew ng restau, "Excuse me lang po kasi, kasi Sir restau po ito, at... at kami po kasi ang mapapagalitan ng management," aniya na halatang kinakabahan sa ginagawa.
Kung ako ang nasa kalagayan niya ay ganoon din marahil ang mararamdaman ko. Sino nga ba naman ang hindi? Kabilang sa pinakamataas ang mga taong sisitahin mo.
"Sorry, Quiel." ani ng dalawa at tinanguan pa ito ng crew na tinawag nilang Quiel, at ito pa mismo ang nagpasalamat sa kanila.
"Once in a while you guys should learn how to control your little boys side," natatawang pahayag ni Louise at sumipsip ito sa kanyang milktea.
"Ito kasi eh."
"Anong ako? Huwag mong isisi sa akin ang pagiging mailbag mo, J. Hayaan mo next month birthday mo ako na ang bahala sa panghilod."
"What the hell, Axe!?"
Who would have thought that the Axel and Justine that I have encountered inside the atrium extension could be this carefree?
Napatigil ako nang biglang sumagi sa isipan ko ang atrium extension. Kamusta na kaya si Nazaire? I can still feel the conscience that his wound brought me.
Nang mapayapa na ang dalawa ay doon ko lang sila muling natanong tungkol sa kanilang kaibigan at sumilay na naman ang kakaibang mga ngiti nila.
"Okay na siya Leigh. Pinagamot niya ulit kay Nurse Amfeil. Hindi ka raw kasi effective na nurse wanna be," Axel said while chuckling.
Now, what the hell?
We almost reached the curfew at the restaurant. Hindi na namin namalayan ang oras dahil sa pagku-kwentuhan. It was random. Justine and Axel did not mention about anything that concerns their duty as Student Central Board Officers, and I hated the fact that I waited for them to open up at least some.
"Lucky enough, ladies. Three minutes before curfew, huh?" ani Justine nang makarating kami sa dorm at nang makita niya ang wall clock.
But I need to stop myself. They were right. It will not do me any good.
"J, Aire seems not to be home, yet," ani Axel at pare-pareho kaming napatingin sa kwarto ni Nazaire.
"He was never home Axe," Justine said.
Sandali akong pumikit upang mabawasan ang bigat na nararamdaman ko. Damn. I am still inside the maze. I cannot just drop these all out and pretend that nothing happened.
"Anyway Louise and Leigh, we'll get inside our rooms after you."
"Really Justine? You are a gentleman all of a sudden?" pangbabara sa kanya ni Axel at muli na naman sana silang mag-uumpisa nang agad na pumagitna si Louise at nagpaalam na sa amin.
"I wish you a good night guys. Thank you. See you tomorrow, Leigh," she said and I just watch her back walking away.
"I'll see you," I answered and I did not know if she still heard it.
"Can I check Nazaire out?"
I closed my eyes and regretted what I just said. Bumalik na naman ang mga mapang-asar nilang ngiti kanina sa restaurant.
"Well, I probably do not mind losing, Axe," ani Justine at nagkibit-balikat pa ito.
"Same goes with me, dude."
"Okay keep acting like I am not here. It's fine with me," saad ko kasabay nang pagsandal ko sa pader.
I really do not know why I am wanting to see Nazaire now.
"Sorry Leigh," saad ni Justine habang pinipigilan ang kanyang pagtawa, "Aire's still probably at the atrium extension. You should go inside or we'll subject you a minor offense."
Wala na nga akong nagawa kundi ang pumasok na sa dorm ko. I forgot that I am with the SCB officers and I cannot just go against them.
After fixing myself up, agad kong tinilapon ang sarili ko sa higaan. It was such a long day, and I have to admit that it was nice being with Axel and Justine. They are not that kind of monsters that I thought they were. Maybe I should start viewing things from different angles, but damn I do not know. I shouldn't be this too comfortable.
I was about to turn off the lights when my eyes passed by the door. Lumapit ako rito at pinulot ang isang nakatuping papel. How did it happen to be here?
"You cannot just run when you are stuck in the middle. - Q."
Agad kong binuksan ang pinto sa pag-babakasakling makita ko ang kung sinumang nag-iwan nito. But to my surprise, I saw Nazaire. Agad din siyang napalingon nang marinig ang malakas na pagbukas ko ng pintuan.
"It's late, Lowrie. What are you doing?"
I got struck by his presence. Hindi ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko. And I could not even think straight.
"Get inside," aniya and that pulled me back, "What's that?"dagdag niya pa nang makita ang hawak kong papel at agad ko naman itong itinago.
I am not sure if I will tell him. I just cannot right now.
"Uh nothing. I will just, yeah, go inside."
Damn it! I am stuttering once again. And it is all because of him.
I turned my back just to end up facing him again after remembering something.
"How are you? I... I mean 'yong sugat mo?" I said while looking at his arm.
"It's not for you to worry about. Get inside. It's already pass 11."
I tried to control myself. Wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang maglakad papasok. As soon as I closed the door, agad akong napabuntong-hininga.
Okay. He seemed to be fine, and "it's not for me to worry about".
"I can't do this. Okay. I can't. I'm dropping out."
"No you're not! Damn it, Sasha!"
I was doing my assignment inside our classroom when Daine and Sasha came into the scene. Iilan pa lang kami ang nasa classroom at pareho nilang naagaw ang atensyon namin.
"I don't care anymore, Daine. I'm so sick of this academy!"
Bigla kong naihilamos ang aking mga palad. I have no idea how the hell can I help Sasha.
"Want to grab some snacks first, Leigh?"
I stopped in the middle of what I was doing when Mariane spoke up. Agad ko naman siyang tinanguan. Maybe I really needed to unwind even for a short time. Mayroon pa kaming twenty minutes break. Inayos ko ang mga gamit ko bago kami umalis ni Mariane.
"Sasha is really frustrated. She failed the quiz and she's..." Mariane stopped. She was not sure if she was going to continue what she was saying but I knew she was trying to point out.
"Losing," mahinang saad ko at sinagot niya na lamang ako ng buntong hininga.
We are one week away from UNATEX. Too bad that the schedule for Midterms is out. Now, everyone is on fire. Lahat kami rito ay pinoproblema kung paano namin hatiin ang oras namin. Heartfilia Academy is on red, and damn! I thought this would be easy.
Nang matapos kaming mag-order ni Mariane ay agad din kaming bumalik sa classroom. We cannot stay for long outside. I heard na may iilan nang estudyante ang nagkaroon ng third warning at ayaw ko nang bumalik ng detensyon office. At least not now. Kylan is still giving me the chills.
"Good thing that you are coping up, Leigh. I am on the verge of giving up, too. Pero iniisip ko na lang that I would not come this far if I could not. I am way to go. I cannot give up everything that I worked hard for right now," ani Mariane habang naglalakad kami.
I have no idea what she had been through. But I guess it was not easy.
"Pangalawang taon ko na ito na nararanasan ang red code. Too fucked up," patuloy niya at hindi ko alam kung paano ko pagagaanin ang loob niya.
Nakabalik na kami sa classroom at kung ano ang bigat ng paligid kanina nang iwan namin ito ay ganoon pa rin. Mula rito sa kinatatayuan ko ay ramdam na ramdam ko ang depresyon ni Sasha. This is not a joke! She failed the quiz and it was not just a quiz. I had no idea what happened next. Ang alam ko lang ay pinatawag siya sa Admission at SAS Office.
"Okay settle down, everyone."
Agad akong napalingon nang marinig ang boses ni Ms. Beige. She may seemed cool but I could also sense her frustration. What the hell is happening with Heartfilia Academy?
"Okay we are going to do a activity wherein there will be two people who will work on it. Remember our lesson last meeting? Solutions. Solutions. Solutions. Life is composed of problems and in order for one to become successful, he or she must find the solution to that problem," she then announced the names of partners. It was random and I happened to be with Sasha.
"Can I have a hand, Fiarrah?" aniya at agad naman siyang tinulungan ni Fiarrah sa pamimigay ng photocopied worksheets.
"One hundred items. With problem solving and spatial reasoning. Deadline, Friday. What the hell?" rinig kong saad ni Levine na nasa katabi kong upuan.
"Ms. Beige, is this even serious? One hundred items for damn three days!? Plus we are undergoing UNATEX review? Really, Miss Beige?" it was Sasha and frustration is all over her.
"Watch your mouth, Sasha Eline. You just came from the Admission and SAS Office, didn't you? Gusto mo bang bumalik doon?"
I saw Sasha clinched her jaw.
"I was not the one who decided for the deadline. It was examined by the dean. I am just following what they are ordering me because first and foremost I am just an employee here. Isn't it clear to you III-B? The faculty have seen your vandals. I am not saying that those who are doing the vandals come from this section but come on people I-"
"Enough of the drama Miss Beige. Too bad that our section doesn't give a fuck about that," agad akong napalingon sa aking kaliwa nang magsalita si Yssa.
"Yssa!" saway sa kaniya ni Fiarrah ngunit hindi siya napatigil nito.
"Faculties keep on acting like they are the victims here when in fact, kabilang din kayo sa mga nagpapahirap sa amin. Bakit bigla bigla kayong naglalabas ng schedule para sa midterms? Can't it be postponed? O gustong-gusto niya talagang may nagpapakamatay na estudyante niyo?"
Lahat kami ay tila tumigil sa paghinga nang banggitin ito ni Yssa. Nakita ko rin ang pagtaas-baba ng balikat ni Miss Beige.
"Yssa, stop," ani ko para pakalmahin siya at hinawakan ko siya sa kamay ngunit agad niya naman itong tinabig.
"Isa ka rin Aleighna eh! You are such a coward! Sana hindi mo na lang kami binigyan ng pag-asa! SANA KA HINDI NA LANG NAPUNTA RITO."
"I will see you all in the detention office. Mga walang galang."
Hindi ko na namalayan ang pag-alis ni Miss Beige. Yssa's words keep on stabbing me.
"What Leigh, huh? Hindi ka makapagsalita? I KNOW YOU KNOW HOW MESSED UP HEARTFILIA ACADEMY IS! KAYA KA NGA NANGIALAM, DIBA!?"
"Yssa stop it! Hindi kasalanan ni Aleighna 'to. Calm down," kasabay nang pagsasalita ni Fiarrah ang pagtakas ng aking luha.
I thought I was saving myself. Pero bakit ganito? May mga kaklase na pala akong sinisisi sa akin ang lahat.
"I WILL NOT, FIARRAH. FOR ONCE, PLEASE! HUWAG KA RING DUWAG. IKAW NA PRESIDENTE NITONG III-B. IKAW NA AKALA KO KAYA KAMING PROTEKTAHAN. But you failed me! You all failed me!"
"Yssa," kung gaano kabigat ang nararamdaman ko ngayon ay ganoon din kabigat ang binibitawang salita ni Fiarrah, "I am begging you to stop. Do not push me to my limit."
"If this is the only way to awaken the monster lying inside you Fiarrah-"
"Oh my God!"
"Fiarrah!"
"Shit!"
Agad akong napatingin sa dalawa at tumambad sa akin si Yssa na tumilapon sa sahig. F-Fiarrah jus-just slapped h-her, hard.
"You will not like the monster inside me, Yssa, so stop the fuck up. You have no idea what I am going through. You have no idea how many times I tried to stop everything. You have no idea how many times we tried."
Fiarrah was giving me goosebumps. Tila hindi ang Fiarrah Walken na kilala ko ang nasa harapan namin ngayon.
Agad na tumayo si Yssa at akmang sasampalin nito si Fiarrah ngunit agad na nasalo ni Fiarrah ang kanyang kamay.
"Don't dare me, Yssa. Don't dare me," aniya at marahas na binitiwan ang kamay nito.
Hindi pa rin ako makagalaw sa kinauupuan ko. Everything suddenly became blurry to me.
Inalalayan nina Theia si Yssa habang nagsimula nang maglakad palabas si Fiarrah ngunit bago pa ito tuluyang makaapak sa labas ay agad itong tumigil at nagsalita nang hindi kami nililingon.
"Bring her to the clinic. And blame Aleighna Lowrie all the way you want to Yssa but do not dare lay a hand on her. I will be after you. Don't let me."
Silence enveloped us as soon as Fiarrah closed the door.
"You are just a fucking useless exchange student Aleighna."
"Yssa, I am ordering you to stop," ani Theia habang hinahawakan ito sa braso.
"I won't hurt her, Theia. I just want to slap her with words for being a pathetic coward."
Nanatili akong nakayuko. I cannot look at her, or any of them, in the eyes. Maybe she is right. I am a coward.
"How I hoped you just stayed as an exchange student. Hanggang pakekealam ka lang pala Leigh. Wala kang paninindigan. Bitch."
Nagpanting ang aking tenga sa narinig at agad akong napatayo.
"I have already admitted in me how coward I became. But calling me a bitch, Yssa? I can slap you harder than Fiarrah did, but I won't. Because I will never step down on your level. Have you asked yourself how long have you been here and what are the things you were able to do to save at least yourself? I pity you a lot Yssa. Blame yourself for this shit you are into dahil wala pa ako rito, everything's already a mess," with that, I left.
I have no idea where the hell I am going to go. But one thing I am sure with right now. I have to stay away from them. I should not allow anyone to lit the fire that was burned out inside me. It's too risky.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
I broke down as soon as I reached the Heartfilia's circle. I screamed until I ran out of breathe.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Kasabay nang aking sigaw ay ang pagbagsak ko at ng mga luha ko. I am on my knees now. Bakit kahit pilit kong itanggi sa sarili ko, bakit parang tama si Yssa? Na kasalanan ko ang lahat ng ito? Tuloy tuloy lang sa pagbagsak ang mga luha ko at hindi na ako nag-abala pang punasan ito dahil wala rin namang mangyayare. I got full. I needed to let this out or else... or else I would go crazy. I was panting real hard and for the third time, I screamed to the top of my lungs in between my weeps, without minding who could hear me.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! BRING ME BACK TO KARRINGSTYN!!!!"
"I never thought that you can be tamed that fast."
Agad akong napatingin sa nagsalita and his familiar voice became recognizable as soon as I saw him.