~ Ethan's POV ~
As soon as I got to Maine, more memories of our four year relationship haunted me, constantly. Everywhere I looked, I saw her. There were times I saw her so vividly that my mind convinced me she was really there, smiling at me, as a way to ease the pain. Though the visions and flashbacks of her served as a sort of anaesthetic to my pain, as soon as the bitter reality returned to me, they caused me more pain than I thought possible.
My mom met me at the front door of my family home, she had dark bags under her eyes, tears rolling down her pale, still stunned face. She pulled me into a hug and burst into tears, calling the attention of my older brother and my dad to come out from the living room and help me comfort her, while they struggled to greet me in these circumstances. A shoebox was handed to me by my father with shaking hands, a box with my name on it, written in handwriting that I recognised immediately. I didnt have it in me to open it then, and honestly I dont know when I ever will have the strength to open it and see what (Y/N) left behind for me.
Now, Im standing at the foot of her coffin, staring at the picture of her placed on top of it, with blue roses surrounding it. Her favourite flower. It perfectly suited the blue hair that she had since she was 14, she was the reason I decided on the colour blue when it came to dyeing my own hair years later. At our prom, (Y/N) gave me a fake blue rose to pin to my suit, so that we co-ordinated in some way. I hear a shocked gasp from a few feet away from me, tearing me from my thoughts. Turning my head, I see (Y/N)'s parents watching me, her father holding her mother's shoulders as she points at my hair, with tear filled eyes. Blue, just like hers. I approach her parents and her mother collapses into me. None of us say anything, we dont need to, and we wouldnt know what to say even if we did. But I dont cry. Why cant I cry? This is the lowest I've ever felt in my entire life, because someone who was always there, someone who was just a part of my life, a foundation person, someone I could rely and depend on, someone I could trust, someone I could love...she's gone.
Her mother's broken words are the only part of the service I hear. She stands at the head of the coffin, speaking to all of us sat on chairs on the grass, surrounding the girl we all love in some way. Love, not loved. Love is one thing that shouldnt change tense when someone leaves. She tells us memories of her daughter, her little (Y/N), a lot of them involving me. Because (Y/N) and I werent just in a relationship for four years, we were childhood friends for a long time before that, all our lives even. Our parents have been friends since high school, so naturally, when (Y/N) and I were born, they visited each other often to give us time to become friends too. We were the best of friends until we were 14, when I realised that I was undoubtedly head over heels in love with her, and I asked her out. We dated until we were 18, when we made the mutual decision to put a stop to our relationship, because we both had such different career paths. There was no disliking towards each other to cause our breakup, neither of us hurt the other, and there were no hard feelings afterwards. What we did, the decision we made, it was out of love, and no love with anyone else has every come close to that, which is why no other relationship I've had has ever lasted. We had plans to reunite in a few years time, see where we were both at in our lives, and try to rekindle the love that we knew we would always have. It would happen as soon as we saw each other, we knew that, there was no doubting it. Our love was eternal, it still is, and it always will be, we just wont get the chance to experience it together again.
The rest of the service passes in a painful blur, filled with the murmurs of people around me, and different guests getting up to say their piece about (Y/N). Her parents didnt ask me to say anything, because they knew, they could see what this has done to me, and how I havent even begun to process what this really means yet. I hear voices speaking, but not the words, it all sounds so distant and incoherent, like Im underwater and everyone else is talking above the surface. My eyes stare longingly at the coffin, at her smiling face in the framed photograph. Memories of her smile flash through my mind, giving me new wounds with every variation of the same expression. This hurts too much.
Im thrown back into reality, to find myself sitting in my car, parked outside my family home, and it's dark outside. How did I get here? I dont even remember. The shoebox sits in the passenger seat beside me, and as if acting without my input, my hands reach for it and bring it onto my lap, before lifting the lid. Inside, is a notepad, a CD case, and the fake blue rose that I wore to prom. I make a mental note to wear that on her anniversary every year, as well as on any occasion when I wear a suit, as a tribute to her. I open the book briefly and flick through the pages, to see that every couple of pages starts with 'Dear Ethan', and it hits me that this notepad is filled with letters she wrote me, but never sent, and over time the unsent letters collected themselves and made a sort of diary. I'll have to read these when I get home, I cant read them now. The CD case is clear, but it has my name written on it in black sharpie, and I open it carefully, my hands trembling as I take out the disk and slide it into my car CD player. The music starts playing so loudly that it makes me jump in my seat, which is ironic, considering the first song to play is Jump by Van Halen. I almost laugh at that. Almost. It doesnt take me long to figure out that this is a mixtape of all of our old favourite songs. An image of her appears in the passenger seat beside me, excitedly miming along to the lyrics, and I smile at her sadly, before starting the long drive back to my apartment.
The songs that she burnt onto this CD are incredible, and they're all such happy songs. American Girl by Tom Petty, Dirty Little Secret by The All-American Rejects, this is not what I expected on a CD left to me after she ended her own life. When I think about it, what I expected could not have been further from accurate. (Y/N) would never create a list of sad songs that explained her actions or told the story of how she felt, because she wouldnt want anyone to dwell on that, she'd want some positivity. Unfortunately, the positivity in my life slipped away the moment her heart stopped beating.
"Hi Ethan!" Her voice interrupts the brief pause between songs, and it shocks me so much that I slam my foot on the brake, but no cars are behind me to crash into me and end what's left of my pointless life.
"So, I guess by now you're wondering why I've given you this compilation of all 'our' songs?" Hearing her voice again brings tears to my eyes, but they dont fall.
I start up the car again, and pull over on the side of the road, knowing I cant continue to drive with her talking to me.
"Well, I just thought this would be a cool thing to do! You know me, I love some nostalgia, and what better way to reminisce on our teenage romance than to listen to a load of bops?" She laughs slightly, and the sound makes it suddenly hard for me to breathe "God, I hope it doesnt take me too long to get this to you, otherwise you may have forgotten me entirely! I can only imagine the look on your face after hearing me say that." She giggles mischievously, knowing ahead of time that I'd be outraged at her ever thinking I'd forget her. I wont ever forget her.
"I guess part of me-ok, a BIG part of me-is hoping that when I give this to you, and you hear the songs, you'll remember us and fall in love with me all over again. That's what I hope for, you could even call it a dream, given how unlikely it is to happen. Im sure you've found someone better than me by now, but I wont know unless I try!"
My heart splutters frantically inside my chest. This wasnt made and given to me for the purpose of her being gone. When she made this, she had no idea she would be gone. She planned to deliver this to me herself, she didnt even mention anyone else doing that for her. She was convinced it would be her, convinced she would see me again. She didnt plan to go.
"This next song is one that I know will bring back plenty of memories for you, happy ones, I hope! This is still my favourite song of all time, and honestly I wouldnt be surprised if it stays that way until I die." She laughs, but her words make my eyes close in a pained blink "Anyway, Im gonna stop rambling now and let you listen to this song, I hope you were surprised by this little easter egg of a one sided conversation! Who knows? Maybe there are others hidden in between songs further on this playlist. You'll have to wait and see! Anyway, yeah, Im gonna go...I love you, byeeeeee!"
She said she loves me. My entire body aches in response to her words.
"I love you too." I whimper, speaking for the first time in four days.
As soon as the guitar starts playing, I know exactly what song she was talking about. Your Love by The Outfield.
Tears fill my eyes all over again, my eyes burning as memories flood my vision of us dancing to this song at our prom. The way her face lit up, her smile making her whole face glow, and automatically bringing a smile to my face. I had never seen anyone so beautiful, and that night in particular...she was more than this boy could comprehend.
"I dont wanna lose your love, tonight."
The guitar solo plays, and that's when it happens. Tears cascade down my face, steady and slow at first, but in seconds they're uncontrollable. Gut wrenching sobs choke me as they get caught in my throat, colliding with my heaving breaths, my entire body shaking feverishly, and I realise why my body had been so reluctant to let me start crying: because now I wont ever be able to stop.
A soft voice comes through my car speakers, and Im positive that any other voice, I would have struggled to hear over my sobs. Any other voice, I could have ignored, and I would have. Any other voice in the world...
But not hers.
"I'll always love you, Ethan. Thank you for loving me when I had no idea how to love myself. I wouldnt be here without you."
Clutching the blue rose in my hand against the steering wheel of my car, I speed down the road, hot tears still streaming from my eyes as I lock onto the view of the warning road sign.
"Thank you for always being there. I dont know how I'll ever repay you, but how about we start with forever?"
As my car crashes through the danger sign, and I catch sight of the edge of the cliff straight ahead of me, I smile at her words. My lips part, and my eyes close, as I slam my foot on the gas.
"Forever sounds good to me."