"Do you need me to get the kids?" Dinah asked, she had worry laced all in her voice, her eyes. I wasn't going to sit here and lie and say I wasn't scared or I wasn't worrisome of both Mani and I, mostly Mani. I wanted to know what was going on in her head but I knew I wouldn't be the best person to get in there right now.
She'd miscarried but I would never hold that against her. Her body just wasn't strong enough to carry out another baby.
She told me that she found out that she had a miscarriage soon after the gender reveal. She also told me that she didn't want to tell me because I was in the studio and she didn't want to mess up my creative thinking.
"You want to?" I asked and she nodded, getting all the kids' things before leaving the house with Kordei and Chas behind her.
I went in the room with Normani and she was just sitting down on the bed with a notepad in her hand. She looked at me then looked back down at the pad, writing more stuff down.
I crawled into the bed and held my arms out for her. Instantly, she fell into them, crying even more.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, kissing her head.
I don't know what I felt about the situation. I was hurt but I felt like Normani had more right to be hurt than I do. I don't know how she feels right now but I know I want to make her feel okay, I just don't know how.
We sat there in silence until she started to cry in my shirt. I kept my arms wrapped around her and she cried even louder.
For once in my life, I don't know what to do. I'm speechless, I'm empty. I lost a baby and I felt like it was my fault. I shouldn't have let her feel like I wasn't there, I should've been there for her more than I was.
My entire life had been based on trying not to let her or my kids down and I went and did it anyway.
"I feel worthless."
"You're not worthless, I'm sure he's looking down on us." I consoled and she looked up at me, she hadn't slept in days nor had she eaten. I was afraid that something would happen to her if she kept this up but I didn't have the heart to ask her to do anything or order her around anymore. I was a completely different person.
"I love you." I smiled weakly and she reached down to grab my hand. Her grip was shaky and feeble, non-intentionally.
"I love you too."
Normani Kordei Hamilton
I sat at the dining table with my focus on the small notebook. I had been writing my feelings ever since we'd left the hospital which was about two weeks ago.
I had been writing to the baby, telling him that I love him, telling him that I miss him already.
"Baby." Beyonce walked in the dining room with a plate in her hand and when she sat it in front of me, I pushed it away.
I didn't want to eat and she hadn't asked me to until now. I felt like there were a lot of unspoken feelings and I knew that we were afraid to talk about it. I was so scared.
"Can you please eat?" She asked me but I only shook my head.
After that, we just sat in silence.
I wanted her to touch me, tell me she loves me but right now, I wasn't strong enough to tell her what I wanted, what I needed.
But like she could read my mind, she pulled me over onto her lap and wrapped her arms around me while telling me she loves me.
I don't think she expected anything in return.
I rested my head on hers, wrapping my arms around her neck.
When I said I felt worthless, that's really what I felt. The doctor said that I was healthy, that I could keep doing what I was doing and I lost the baby anyway.
I never thought I would lose the baby or any baby for that matter but I did and I failed my fiance. I failed my family altogether.
Dinah Jane Hansen
"Sit down boy." Nika said to Kordei.
He sat down as soon as she said it and she picked Chas up, wiping his mouth.
We had just fed all of them and Heaven was actually being good for once. She wasn't crying and she was already fed, she's sleeping now.
"Dinah, come here." She called for me.
I walked up behind her and kissed her cheek then Chas'. "Yes?"
"Is Heaven okay?"
"Yes, she's sleeping." I said.
Kordei, of course, was missing Bey but I don't know the next time he will see her. Bey was more focused on Mani than anything, they'd just lost a baby. That just makes me so much more afraid of everything.
"Good, I don't want her to start crying again." She said.
"She's going to start crying at 3 in the morning, I got it though, you had her last night." I said and she nodded, patting Chas' back. "Do you think my best friend is okay?"
"No, I don't but she will be. She'll be okay, I promise."
"What can I do though?" I asked.
"You can keep watching the babies like they asked and let them get through it by themselves. They'll be fine and they'll ask for more help if they need it."
My immediate thought was 'will they?'
I know Beyonce and Normani and though they are this grinding ass power couple, they don't know how to ask for help but I trusted them right now. I don't want to smother them.
I sat down on the couch and watched TV with Kordei, he instantly crawled into my lap, laying his head on my chest.
"You okay baby boy?" I asked him.
He nodded his head and continued to look at the TV, sucking his thumb. I pulled his thumb out of his mouth, knowing that Bey doesn't let him. He think he slick.
He whined and looked up at me, his hair all in his face.
"Somebody gon' do your hair before you leave." I said, puffing up his little afro.
"Uh uh!" He yelled and I popped him.
"If you wake your sister up, we gon' have a problem."
•••
"Sit down little boys." I patted Heaven's back while the boys ran to the dining room.
This is why I don't want boys or tomboys, they're always running and they're so heavy-footed. They're not bad but they're assholes just like Beyonce.
Luckily, Heaven wasn't crying this morning and I was sort of surprised, she's such a cry baby, I would've thought she'd already be crying.
"Baby, open the door for Bey and Mani!" Nika yelled.
I went to the door and opened the door for them. Instantly, Beyonce took Heaven from me and kissed her cheeks.
I could see the sadness between the both of them but I could see them trying to hide it as well but it was obvious that Heaven made the both of them really happy.
"Hi baby." Normani kissed Heaven on her cheeks then took her from Beyonce.
"Where are my boys?!" Beyonce yelled then the boys came down, running to the door.
She leaned down and held her arms out for them and they ran into her arms, widely. They'd missed her and it was really cute to see them like this. They're the most adorable little family ever.
Beyonce Giselle Knowles
I looked over at Normani and she looked so happy while holding Heaven.
Heaven is my baby, my Princess but I'm fine with letting Mani have her to make her happy. I wanted to give up everything to make her happy right now.
If anything, I felt like all of this was my fault. I could have protected her more if I would've known. We could have had our twins but here we are.
Honestly, this just makes me appreciate my children more than I already have. I don't want anything to happen to them, no matter who their mother is. They're still my kids.
"Your hair is a mess." I mumbled to Kordei.
He shrugged his shoulders and pointed at Dinah. "She not do it."
"Oh really? We should beat her up, huh?" He nodded his head. "Do it. You too Chas."
"Look at y'all." I smiled, snapping a picture of Mani and Heaven.
Normani smiled and it made my heart flutter. She's smiling. It was faint but it was a smile nonetheless.
"She's a sleepy baby." Mani said.
I nodded and stood beside her, kissing Heaven's cheek. She started to whine so I pulled away.
"Where y'all headed to?" Nicki asked.
"Court. Getting full custody of chubby over there." I pointed to Chas.
"Finally! It took y'all a whole year to figure out that you needed full custody. Also, Solange called me about some incident at the hospital, do we have to beat her ass for you?"
"No you don't " I chuckled and Mani handed Heaven to Nika.
We left with our goodbyes and while we were in the car, she reached for my hand instantly.
"Do you love me?"
"I do. More than anything." I kissed her cheek and I saw tears start to roll down her cheeks.
"This hurts."
"It's okay to not be okay. I don't expect you to be okay."
"I know but that's a life and it's all my fsuly that he didn't get to live it."
I stopped the car in front of the courthouse and made her look at me. "It's not your fault. It just wasn't his time to be here. Everything in our lives happens for a reason and I know there's something bigger that he's preparing us for."
She nodded her head but the more she cried, it made it much harder to stay strong. I didn't like seeing her cry and when she did, I wanted to as well.
I wiped her tears away. "Please stop crying."
"I want the hurt to stop."
"I know what will make you feel better."
"What?" She asked.
"Custody of Chas." I said and instantly she started smiling. I knew it would make her feel better.
I got out of the car and opened the door for her, wiping more of her tears away but soon I didn't have to.
Once she saw Sydney, she was pissed and ready to jump over tables just to get to her. I don't know why I found it cute but she looked adorable yet hot all at the same time.
I had my arms wrapped around her shoulders while the judge spoke and when she told us to stand, we did. We were overly lucky that the judge was a woman. A man wouldn't even begin to understand.
"You may be seated." She said and we sat down.
"Jones." The judge called out for my lawyer and he stood up with his folder, ready to speak.
Jones had been my lawyer since I was a baby child and it's like, I trust him with all of my legal problems, especially my former submissives.
"My client, Beyoncé Knowles, would like to propose full custody over, Chas Stormy Knowles-Davis." He said and Sydney shook her head.
"Jackson?"
"Ms. Davis proposes joint custody."
"The bitch won't be getting it, I promise you that." Mani mumbled.
"Please present your case."
Ray sat down beside me and we waited for Sydney's lawyer to start.
While he spoke, I kept my eyes on Normani. She had her hands folded in her lap and her leg was shaking, nervously.
I leaned over and kissed her temple. She looked over at me, smiling a little bit.
I really hope we can get custody of Chas, shit we deserve it. Sydney hasn't been a mother since she gave birth.
It just baffles me because some women can't even have children and the fact that she is using the one that she does have, as a pawn for some money that she didn't even get. It's just stupid.
"Jones is that true?" The judge asked and Ray stood up, clearing his throat.
"No ma'am. My client and Ms. Davis had an agreement that Ms. Davis would only come around if she was either picking the child up or dropping him off. Ms. Davis has continuously showed up without warning and/or reasoning."
"Only because I've told her that I don't want my son around that bitch!" Sydney yelled and the courthouse started to get loud but Mani refused to say anything. She was doing good with not reacting.
The judge banged her gavel and it got quiet.
"Another outburst and I'll make my decision right now." She said. I wanted her to have another outburst right now because everything in this moment was working in our favor.
"Sorry." She mumbled then sat back down.
"Now, you said you didn't want your son around this woman, why is that?"
"She lets my son believe that he's hers and he even calls her 'mama'. I don't think he needs to be around her, it's not healthy for him."
"That's a damn lie, Chas doesn't even talk that much." Mani rolled her eyes.
"Truth?" The judge asked.
"Not at all ma'am." Ray said.
She sighed. "Present your case please."
The longer this went on, the more pissed I got. I felt like I was going to lose to this woman but there was no way I would let that happen. That's bullshit.
I honestly didn't even listen to it so I didn't. I knew Ray is telling her about the recording, the fact that Sydney doesn't have a job, and the countless men that Sydney always has my son around.
Ray put in the recording and I could hear Sydney talking about Chas and I. It pissed me off but made me sad all at the same time.
"I told you that bitch was trouble." Mani whispered in my ear.
"I know baby." I kissed her cheek.
The judge had a shocked look on her facs but she stared down at her hands.
"Is that all?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Seeing to it that Ms. Davis does not have a steady income, has admitted to not caring for her son, and is putting him at a risk, I grant Beyoncé Knowles, sole custody of Chas Stormy Knowles-Davis."
*********
I would've updated yesterday buuut nothing would post 😢