CALEB'S POV
It was a breathtaking view to see Irene pressing on the white keys of the baby grand piano. It literally made my heart ache, well, either that or my medication wasn’t working. Either way the view was more than I could handle. One of those views that I’m sure could rid the world of sadness. She seemed so focused on each key she pressed and the piece of paper in front of her. You didn’t have to interact with her to know that she had a beautiful soul.
I had to stop messing around. I was hurting her and I was hurting Sana. Out of all people Sehun really put things in perspective for me. His words were harsh and most likely unnecessary but they were all true. I had to stop putting my selfish needs above their feelings. I had to stop lying to myself about being in love with the both of them. I am in love with both of them but it isn’t the same type of love. I had to stop being such a hypocrite with Sana and the whole Mark ordeal. She made a mistake, the same one I had made just months earlier and it wasn’t as bad as mine. Irene had done nothing but yet she kept getting hurt time over time. I had to stop making either of them an option for when the other hurt me. I fucking hated it but Sehun’s words kept on replaying in mind.
After I asked for permission for the both of us. I made my way down the hallway. That’s where I encountered Sehun. I hated that he looked like he was on a runway just walking down the hallway. I wanted to trip him but just like Irene and Sana, he didn’t deserve it either. Fuck him and his model complexion.
I was surprised when he stopped right in front of me. “Caleb right? Can I talk to you?” Sehun asked.
“I’m on my way somewhere. I don’t have time” I tried not to sound rude but this was the best I could come up with. I was already refraining from rolling my eyes.
“I know you’re going to the music room. I just spoke with Irene"
"Like I said I don’t have time” I told him again.
“Just a couple of minutes. I want to talk to you about Irene"
"You and I have nothing to discuss about Irene” How dare she try and talk to me about Irene.
“I’ll make it quick since you seem to be quite unreasonable. I understand now why you keep doing what you’re doing"
I shoved my hands into my jean pockets so that I wouldn’t shove him against the wall. “You know nothing about me nor about my relationship with Irene. So. Back. Off.” he had just ignited a fire in my veins.
"Look Irene came to me yesterday. I can’t believe you let that happen. She’s hurt but she tells me that it’s finally over between you both. I’m going to ask you to leave her alone this time and actually do it” I hated his smug face and how he talked so nonchalantly like we were exchanging recipes.
He just kept adding fuel to the fire he started. “I don’t know who you think you are but you need to stop talking to me about Irene. It isn’t any of your business. Don’t think you can tell me what to do. Besides, Irene will never love you” I could feel my chest and my breathing crashing against each other.
“It is my business actually. You might have been stupid enough to let her go but I’m not. You made your choice. You chose that other girl, now leave Irene alone. She’s not a girl to have as an option she’s been nothing but good to you and all you do is hurt her. Let her be happy. I’m sorry for saying this because I don’t know you. But what I do know is that she will eventually find out that she’s so much better without you. Stop feeding her hope if you’re not going to give yourself to her 100 percent. Give her a chance to forget you and be happy. She’s an amazing girl, more than you obviously deserve, you had your chance and you wasted it. So move out of the way so that I can undo what you did and make her see that there is better love than the one you gave her”
I take it in one last time. The view of how she sways and plays the piano. That freedom she has when no one is looking. A freedom she shares with me unknowingly, one that I’ve taken for granted. I look at the happiness in her body posture and absorb it all in. I memorize the shape of her crossed legs and the way her hair falls along her bare shoulder. I don’t deserve this.
I cleared my throat to get her attention. “We should get started”
“Hey slowpoke. What took you so long?"
"I got distracted. It doesn’t matter. I thought we could divide the song. I can work on the melody and you the lyrics”
"Sure. Why so serious?” She imitates the joker.
“I just have somewhere to be. Teach me what you were playing and I can develop it if you want to use it” I know I was acting cold but like Sehun said I had to stop feeding her hope.
“Oh okay” she said and moved on to play me the melody it was short but beautiful just like her.
“You can go ahead and write on the table over there” I told her when she finished. This would be the last time I hurt her. She gave me an awkward smile probably wondering what the heck my problem was but she moved anyway. It wasn’t as much distance as I would’ve liked but it would suffice for now.
I got lost in the notes she gave me. I put everything I felt into them. The melody was sad. I was sad. It said everything I wanted to tell Irene. She wouldn’t understand what it meant to but it was for the better.
Irene pulled me out of my thoughts when she tapped my shoulder and just like the first time she ever touched me she made my heart start and stop more than once in just a second. Her touch never lost that feeling.
“I think these lyrics could work with what you have been playing. They’re not great but it’s all I have in my head”
“You always underestimate how great words can be when you put them together” One compliment couldn’t hurt.
She gave me an embarrassed smile and I moved down the bench so that she could join me. “Hit it John Legend” she joked through her nerves.
Back of the room, looking at you, counting the steps between us. A hundred and five little blades in a line from your skin to mine. I can feel it.
I should have assumed that she would write about us. I hoped she wouldn’t but she did. And now I had to listen to words I didn’t deserve. I could not break this time.
Eyes on the ground but I can’t look up now. Don’t wanna give it away, my secret. In another life, my teeth and tongue would speak aloud what until now, I’ve only sung.
Cause I would die to make you mine. Bleed me dry each and every time. I don’t mind, no I don’t mind it. I would come back 1000 times. You can make me wait forever. Push me away and tell me never. I don’t mind, no I don’t mind it. I would come back 1000 times.
Kiss me goodnight, like a good friend might. I’ll do the same but won’t mean it. Cause love is a cage, these words on a page. Carry the pain they don’t free it.
Right now in this moment: I regret it. I regret that Sunday night. I regret kissing Sana. I regret losing Irene. Its ridiculous but I can already feel the hell I will enter if I ever have to see her kissing someone else or holding someone else’s hand.
In another life, I wouldn’t need to console myself. As I resign to release you.
In another life, one in which I wasn’t an idiot I would be holding you.
Cause I would die to make you mine. Bleed me dry each and every time. I don’t mind, no I don’t mind it. I would come back 1000 times. You can make me wait forever. Push me away and tell me never. I don’t mind, no I don’t mind it. I would come back 1000 times.
She was already making this harder than it already was without knowing. Each key and each chord became more and more agonizing to play.
Again, again, I let it go, let it go. Cover my mouth. Don’t let a single word slip out. Wouldn’t wanna tell you no, tell you no. Nothing could be worse than the risk of losing what I don’t have now. And we could buy the minute, though is it so bad if I wanna cry out.
That I would die to make you mine. Bleed me dry each almost every time. But I don’t mind, no I don’t mind it. I would come back 1000 times.
I wanted to take it all back. These words were mine. She was mine. I was hers.
Make me wait forever. Push me away and tell me never. I don’t mind, no I don’t mind it. I would come back 1000 times. I would come back 1000 times. I would come back 1000 times.
She lifted her legs on to the bench and I could feel her knees hitting the side of my thigh. Her warm breath on my shoulder. Her eyes needing to be seen and her lips begging for a kiss. I wouldn’t give in. I couldn’t give in.
“What do you want from Irene? What part of we are over don’t you understand?”
“We’re not. I’ve already told you. But I’ll tell you again and a million times more if that’s what you need. I want you and me the way we were before all of this. Why are you being so stupid?” She spoke at the same volume I used.
I would regret this for the rest of my life. “Damn it, Irene!” I slammed the cover of the piano keys as hard as I could.
“I don’t love you anymore. Is that what you want to hear? I fell in love with Sana. I love Sana!” I yelled at her like she meant nothing to me while I grabbed my backpack and walked out the door.
"Fine! But look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t love me! Don’t walk away while doing it! You’re a fucking coward!” I felt her hand pull at my shoulder as I walked through the door and she pushed me against the wall. I had to stop underestimating her strength. It was a repeat of a month ago as she hit my shoulders.
“Say it! Say that you don’t love me! Say it and I won’t ever come near you again! I will leave you and Sana to have your fairytale ending!” She was fueled by anger and frustration.
“I don’t love you. You infatuated me. It wasn’t love. I was confused!” I wouldn’t dare to look her in the eyes. I just wanted her to give up already.
“Look me in the eyes and say it! Say it you asshole! Finish off what is left of my heart! Finish is it so that I can stop loving you! Finish it because I won’t need it after you” I could see her tears through my peripheral. Her fists were growing tired as they kept me against the wall.
Everything in me told me not to do it but I had to give Irene that chance she deserved. Give her the chance to find someone that wouldn’t do what I did to her. Her hand moved to my cheek turning me to face her, making me look into her eyes.
“I don’t love you” I gave her what she asked for, my eyes directly on hers. “I have a girlfriend, her I love” Everything that had ever existed between Irene and I would be over in the next few seconds. “You will never be her. You will never be the one for me”
She closed her eyes. I was glad she didn’t have to look at the pathetic face that released those words. “I wish I could believe you” Her voice was blue and low. “Your eyes and your mouth contradict each other. I hope whatever she has or is, is enough to outlast your regret. I hope it can outlast all the pain you’ve caused me” Her newly opened eyes, now vacated with miles of sadness.
In a split second everything changed. My heart felt like it was ripping itself out of my chest not just metaphorically anymore but physically. The struggle to breathe was maddening. I felt my hand clench against Irene’s wrist. I wasn’t doing it, my body was acting on its own and I had no control over it. I could hear her very faintly telling me that I was hurting her, all the while I was sliding down the wall still holding on to her wrist forcing her down with me. My body now on the floor, hand still clenched on Irene’s wrist. I tried to remove my wrist but it wasn’t responding. I kept sending signals to it but no response was apparent. Seconds seemed like minutes to my brain because it seemed to be focused so focused on the bruise around her eye, like nothing else mattered, while I tried to move un-claw my hand from her wrist. The different shades of purple, black, and gray detectable even through the coat of makeup seemed fascinating. Even in what seemed to be my delirium she still looked gorgeous.
It was the tiny droplets of water that fell on my face that made me aware once again of my surroundings. But it wasn’t water. It was tears falling from Irene’s eyes. She was desperately crying with her free hand on her cellphone holding it up to her ear. I’m sure I asked her to stop more than once although I’m not sure if she didn’t hear me or if the words never left my mouth.
It could have been seconds or minutes when her cellphone fell to the floor and she finally looked to me again. “Don’t close your eyes. Stay with me. The ambulance is on its way” Irene whimpered. I wasn’t going anywhere I was on the floor.
When my hand finally lost strength and let go of Irene’s wrist, I felt the need to focus on her features, those around her eyes, her nose, her mouth, and her lips a shade of pink, glossy from the tears. They made me ache for a kiss.
“K…kiss me” My mouth let out just when moments ago I was trying to do the exact opposite. My body knew I was being an idiot. I don’t think I could repair the damage I had just done. But her lips surprised me when they landed on mine. When they parted I felt a goofy smile forming. I didn’t need a mirror to know that I probably looked like an idiot.
“You taste like…saltwater” That was my subconscious confirming that I was an idiot.
“Oh yeah?” She laughed her tears not ceasing. “Well you taste like rubber. How’s that”
I took my hand and placed it against her cheek. She leaned into the touch as my thumb traced the trails of her tears.
“Better than…rubber. Do…do you remember…our…first kiss?” I asked her struggling to breathe.
“It was the best first kiss ever”
"You tasted…much…better then. Like bananas”
“You called me a monkey. I’m a monkey” She said while I realized my eyelids were getting heavy.
"No. No…no. You’re…not a…monkey. You are a…mule"
Her snort, which she hated, made the lack of oxygen seem not so bad. “Why a mule?”
"You’re…very…stubborn. Mules are known…to be…stubborn”
“Then what does that make you?"
"If…if you’re…a mule. Then…I’m a mule…remember?” Or was it a bird? It could have been mule. I should have paid more attention.
“A bird, baby. A bird” Irene said reading my mind. “But we can be whatever we want to be as long as we’re together right?"
"No. We…can’t” I told her. At this point I wasn’t sure if you could even call what I was doing breathing. My lungs seemed to be forgetting what they were made for.
“Why not?” She said sulking.
“Be…because you’re already…beautiful and smart. And…and your…butt is pretty great…too. So that…makes me…pretty great…too”
"I’m gonna add all of this to the list of the most romantic things you’ve ever said to me” I’m sure I’ve said more romantic things than comparing her to a mule. I think? I had to if she had a list. “I love you. I need you to keep your eyes open.” My eyelids disagreed with Irene.
“I…I’m sorry I hurt you. I lied to you”
“Don’t worry about that right now just focus your eyes on mine”
“Yes…worry. I’m an idiot. Looking…at you…was the best…thing I’ve ever…done. Asking you…to be my…girlfriend was the…greatest decision…I’ve ever…made. You are the best…thing to ever happen…to me. I love…you more than…anyone” Every word was a breath but it was hurt every sting of pain.
"I love you more"
"No…not possible" That is one argument I was willing to have with her.
"Whatever floats your boat. But it’s actually scientifically proven” See? I told you she was stubborn. And you can never argue with science.
“That’s the…thing…about girls. Every time…they…do something…pretty, even if they’re not…much to…look at, or even…if they’re…sort of…stupid, you fall in love with them, and then…you never know…where the hell…you are…with them. Jesus…Christ. They can…drive you…crazy. That’s what you, Irene, do to me” She drives me crazy but she is worth it. And even though I was trying for the opposite her tears seemed to increase. “For…your list. From…me and Sal…Sal—”
“Salinger, Catcher in the rye, I know. That’s my favorite book. You finally read it?”
"Spark notes. Just…just…kidding. I did…read…it. Unlike…you who wont…watch…orange…is…—”
"The new black. I’m sorry. We can watch it as soon as you’re better. We can binge watch it. I’ll watch whatever you want me to watch just hold on a little bit longer” That sounds reasonable, I can try. I’ll try for you Irene.
I’m sure Irene kept speaking but the multiple men running towards us distracted me. They were pushing some type of cart but their boots made loud noises when they impacted with the floor, distracting me. Within seconds they had tugged Irene from my side. I could see her fighting the man that took her just how she fought with Yeri. I was trying to yell for him to bring her back to me. I tried but the urge to close my eyelids overpowered my necessity to yell for Irene. They closed and my heart seemed to slow down. It took me a while as the silence increased and the darkness deepened to finally put two and two together. The pain in my chest, the struggle that it was to breath, it was my heart. I hope Irene knows that I tried. I just wish I could have had more time to apologize to her but for that I would need a lifetime. And I’m not sure that was an option at this point.
A/N:
>I was really having a hard time writing this and I dunno why😭 I didn't know writing this angsty chapter made my heart ache💔
>Anywaysss, what do you think will happen to Caleb? Find out on the next update. (Lol that sounds like an ending from a tv show😂)
>Please dont forget to vote on my story and give me feedbacks. I really appreciate it guys and thankyou also for your support💕 lovechuuuuuu