April, 2013
The month following my birthday was filled with excitement, from even more writing and recording to more red carpet events and even some live performances of cover songs. It seemed like we were becoming more well-known day by day, and boy, it was quite an experience. A year prior, I would have never imagined having to walk with a security guard through my own apartment complex. It was overwhelming but I loved it. My dreams were quickly coming true and I had no intention of slowing them down.
With the release of the first single quickly approaching, the girls and I had more interviews lined up than we knew what to do with. We were traveling to different radio stations around Los Angeles on a daily basis, and any time we weren't in the studio we were answering fan questions in an interview.
We had an interview scheduled for later in the evening and we were all trying to get as much studio time in as possible. Dinah was in the booth while Normani and Ally observed from the sidelines and Lauren rummaged through her bag. I sat quietly off to the side, my nose buried in John Green's Paper Towns. I tried to ignore Lauren as she sifted through her bag, groaning in annoyance when she failed to find whatever she was looking for.
"Having trouble?" I teased.
"Yeah," she snapped, catching me off guard. "Have you seen my lipstick?"
I brushed her attitude off and closed my book, sitting it inside my bag. "Is it not on your lips?"
She stood up straight and ran a hand through her hair, letting it fall to her side as she turned to face me.
"Camz, I'm serious," she pressed. "Did you take it?"
"No..." I told her. "Why would I take your lipstick?"
"I don't know, but it's not here," she sighed, zipping up her bag and scanning the room.
"It's lipstick Lo, calm down," I chuckled, trying to keep light of the situation.
"I need it for the interview," she explained. "And it's like twenty bucks a tube, and now it's miraculously missing after you went through my bag looking for a sweatshirt."
She pursed her lips and placed her hands on her hips, looking at me as if waiting for me to come clean.
I stood from the couch and pulled her sweatshirt over my head, tossing it to her as I walked past to retrieve a water bottle.
"I'm sure someone here has lipstick you can use, or maybe...if you're so worried about losing it...don't spend twenty dollars on it next time," I sassed, smiling sarcastically as I returned to my seat on the couch.
Dinah emerged from the booth and Lauren pushed past her to take her turn, bumping into her and failing to apologize.
"Did I miss something?" Dinah asked, taking a seat next to me on the couch.
I shrugged and leaned into her shoulder. "Apparently I did, because I have absolutely no idea what's up her ass."
"Women," she joked, rolling her eyes and opening the camera on her phone.
"Take a selfie with me," she instructed.
"Dinah, it's not a selfie if there are two people in it," I laughed.
She slapped my arm playfully and leaned closer to me so we were both in the picture. I pressed my lips against her cheek and she snapped the picture.
"Aw, we're cute," I observed.
"Lauren doesn't think so," Dinah pointed out, nodding towards the booth where Lauren was watching us with a frustrated look on her face.
"Whatever. Caminah is better than Camren!" I shouted loud enough for Lauren to hear.
Lauren removed her headphones and stormed out of the booth, stopping just long enough to pick up her bag.
"Grow up," she snapped, walking out the door before I could react.
I felt like my heart had been shattered into a million pieces. What was she so angry about?
"I was just kidding..." I choked out.
Dinah rubbed my back supportively and smiled sympathetically.
"Give her time to cool down. It's probably nothing that you did," she assured me.
I leaned back against the couch and furrowed my brow, listening to Dinah but still concerned about Lauren's erratic behavior. I had never seen her act like that before. What had gotten into her?
...
I stood in front of the refreshment table and poured myself a glass of water, wiping my brow nervously while taking a sip. Even after countless interviews I still got nervous when I was on camera. I was always afraid that I would do or say something stupid and it would be forever documented and available to the public. Lauren's presence was the only thing that calmed me down, but she was off in her own little world, doing last minute makeup checks and gossiping with Ally. She seemed to be in a better mood, but I still didn't know what had gotten into her at the studio. I had seen her frustrated of course- she was only human and everyone has their off days- but I had never seen her legitimately angry and bitter for no apparent reason. I brushed it off as annoyance with Dinah and myself, but I still worried that there was some underlying cause that she wasn't telling me about.
As if on cue, I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist from behind and Lauren's lips pressed against my temple. She rested her chin on my shoulder and squeezed me tightly.
"You look nice," she said quietly.
I craned my neck so that I could look at her, my brow furrowed in confusion.
"I see you found your lipstick," I observed coldly.
She didn't seem to catch on to my attitude. Instead she trailed gentle kisses up my neck and to my lips, smiling as she pulled back.
"Ally had it," she explained. "Are you okay? You seem kind of annoyed."
"Are you serious?" I chuckled sarcastically. "Do you actually expect me to be okay after..."
I trailed off, noticing the concerned expression on her face. I studied her carefully, searching for any sign that she was just messing with me, but she seemed completely oblivious. It was almost as if she hadn't realized how she had treated me at the studio, or maybe she had and she was just trying to make up for it. I wanted to be angry with her. We had never argued over something so minuscule and insignificant, and she had never spoken down to me at any point in our relationship. It confused me how one second she was walking out on me and leaving me to wonder what I had done and the next she was nothing but nice. I felt like I should be angry with her, like I should show her that I was upset with her, but when I looked at her I saw nothing but love and concern in her eyes.
I leaned my head against her shoulder and closed my eyes, finding her hands that were still wrapped around my waist and intertwining our fingers.
"I'm just tired," I lied. "It's been a long day."
"Mmm," she nodded, burying her face in the crook of my neck and then pulling back and stepping away from me. "What do you say we call it an early night and have a movie marathon tonight?"
I smiled at her appreciatively. "I'd like that."
She took my hand and led me to the other girls who were already situated in front of the camera. A petite blonde woman, probably twenty-something, introduced herself as the interviewer and the camera started rolling.
"Hi, I'm Chelsea Briggs and I'm here with Fifth Harmony!" she began. "I've got tons of fan questions for you girls this evening. Are you ready?"
We all agreed as she scrolled through her phone, reading off the first question. Normani was the first to answer and I tried to listen, but I couldn't help but notice that Chelsea was eyeing Lauren's arm around my shoulders. Lauren shifted uncomfortably and Chelsea looked away, reading the next question. I didn't think much of it, instead leaning my head against Lauren's shoulder briefly as she answered. She removed her arm from around my shoulders once she was finished and let it hang awkwardly by her side, struggling to keep from coming in contact with my skin.
Ally answered the next question and I watched as Lauren made her way around the other girls and to her friend's side. It took every ounce of energy in me not to interrupt the interview and ask her what her deal was, but I relaxed a bit when she smiled at me.
She refrained from making even the smallest amount of eye contact with me for the remainder of the video, but the second it ended her hands were back around my waist and I was left to wonder why she was acting so strangely.
...
"So what are we watching?" Lauren asked me, taking a seat on the couch and holding out her arms for me to join her.
"Whatever's on," I shrugged, positioning myself against her chest so that I could lay my head on her shoulder.
She wrapped her arms around me and waited for me to find a movie. I finally just turned on the last half of 500 Days of Summer and tried to pay attention as much as I could.
"What's wrong?" she questioned once the movie switched to a commercial. "You've barely said anything all night."
"Nothing's wrong," I lied.
The truth was, everything was wrong. I was beyond confused as to why she had acted so strange all day long. I was angry that she hadn't apologized for the way she treated me at the studio. I was worried that there was something she wasn't telling me. Most of all though, I was concerned that she had purposely avoided me during the interview because I had done something wrong. I didn't need an entire explanation, I just needed to know that I hadn't done anything to upset her, and she had failed to inform me whether that was the case or not.
"Camz, you know you can't get away with that," she pressed.
"What?"
"Pretending like nothing's wrong," she explained. "I know you well enough to know when something is bothering you. You know you can talk to me."
"Can I? Or will you just accuse me of taking your things again?" I snapped, sitting up and moving to the opposite end of the couch.
"That's why you're mad? Look Camz...I'm sorry that I accused you of taking my lipstick but I didn't know who else would have taken it or-"
"That's not why I'm mad," I interrupted. "I'm mad because you've never acted like that before- not to me. You really hurt my feelings Lauren."
She rolled her eyes and pushed herself off the couch, making her way towards the stairs.
"Where are you going?" I called after her.
"Upstairs," she answered flatly, continuing up the steps until I heard our door slam shut.
I sighed and got off the couch to follow her, knowing well enough that neither of us would be happy until someone apologized. I slumped up the stairs and pushed the door open, shutting it quietly behind me and finding Lauren already in bed.
"Why did you just walk off when I was trying to talk to you?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest and remaining a safe distance from the bed.
"Because I'm not going to sit there and have you be angry with me for no reason. Sorry that I 'hurt your feelings,' Camz, but get over it. You're acting like a child," she said degradingly.
"I'm acting like a child?" I laughed. "You threw a tantrum over a tube of lipstick. Lipstick, Lo. Not to mention you purposely avoided me during the interview and then acted like nothing happened. If anyone's being immature here, it's you."
"Because I thought you took it!" she whined, ignoring my complaint about the interview.
"Why the fuck would I take your lipstick, Lauren?" I spat, my nerves wearing thin. "I mean for fucks sake, I know we're going to fight sometimes but I'd really like to reserve my energy to fight over things that are actually important. You've been distant all day and then you want to act like nothing ever happened? Please. You and I both know you're in the wrong here."
"We're not fighting over lipstick," she corrected, throwing the covers off of her and getting out of bed. "We're fighting because you can't handle me giving attention to someone other than you for more than five minutes."
"What the hell are you even talking about?" I shouted.
"You never even acted like anything was wrong until I hung out with Ally instead of you," she said. "God forbid you're not the center of attention for five seconds."
"Lauren, that doesn't-" I started.
I ran a hand through my hair and rubbed my temples, trying to make sense of the situation. How did we go from cuddling on the couch to arguing in a matter of minutes?
"Why are we even fighting?" I wondered aloud. "It's like we've been fine for the past five months and then within a split second you just decided that you can't stand to be around me."
"That's ridiculous," she dismissed, taking a step closer to me. "You're the one that's been flirting with Dinah every time I'm not looking."
My jaw dropped upon hearing her words and I shook my head in disbelief.
"I'm not flirting with Dinah!" I yelled, my voice becoming high pitched with annoyance. "She's my best friend, and at least she actually cares about me!"
Lauren took a step closer to me and I tried to keep up with her, backing up until my back was pressed against the door. She hovered inches from my face and narrowed her eyes, the tension between us overflowing.
"You think I don't care about you?" she nearly whispered.
I could tell by her tone that my words hurt her, and I immediately regretted them. I turned my head to avoid her gaze so that she wouldn't see the tears forming in my eyes and threatening to spill over.
"Answer me," she demanded, slamming her hand against the door next to my face and startling me.
"Not...not really," I choked out, my voice cracking.
I silently cursed myself for sounding like such a pushover. I shouldn't have been afraid of her. I should have been able to tell her how I really felt but I couldn't. The truth was, she intimidated me. She was pretty and intelligent and confident, and although I loved her, I still reminded myself on a daily basis that she was the kind of girl that breaks hearts. I wasn't afraid of her in the sense that she would ever hurt me- not physically- but I was afraid that of what she was capable of doing with my feelings toward her. I was scared that if I even said one tiny thing wrong she would walk away. Not because she was weak, but because she was tired. I could tell she was tired. She was physically and emotionally exhausted. It pained me to think that she was wearing thin, but I could see it every time I looked at her. She hadn't been the same since my birthday dinner. Over a month had passed, and each day I tried to ignore the signs, but I couldn't anymore. Not when they were right in front of me. She was at her wits end, and I was terrified that she would leave me heart broken.
It shouldn't have been like that. I should have had enough faith in our relationship to know that we could talk through our problems without one of us walking away. After all, I was the one who told her that I knew we could make it through any obstacle. I thought that maybe all she needed was a kick to get her going. Maybe I needed to stand up to her so that she would see that I wasn't as weak as everyone thought, that I was willing to fight for what I loved.
I stood up straighter and blinked the tears out of my eyes, staring directly at her.
"Not recently," I told her more confidently. "It seems like you're doing everything in your power to avoid me, and it fucking hurts, Lauren. I know that you love me, but I don't think you care anymore. I don't think it would make a difference to you if I dropped off the face of the planet at this point, because you can love something all you want, but if you don't care...it doesn't make a difference if it's gone, and I wish I didn't believe that, but I do."
Lauren's shoulders slumped as she stared down at her feet. She backed away, letting the hand that originally kept me pressed against the door fall to her side.
"Do you really mean that?" she asked, her voice just above a whisper.
I nodded my head yes.
"Why didn't you say anything sooner? I...I would have done everything in my power to show you that I care about you, Camz. Of course I care about you. I always have and I always will," she told me as her eyes began to water.
"Then what the hell is going on?" I questioned. "Why were you so short with me at the studio and why did you avoid me during the interview?"
She shook her head and stepped towards me again.
"I don't know," she sighed. "I shouldn't have and I'm sorry. I've been...uh...under the weather. I had a headache all day and I just...I guess it got the best of me."
I nodded in understanding. Maybe she genuinely didn't realize how she was treating me, but the way she worded her explanation made it sound like there was something more to the story, something she wasn't telling me. I didn't press it though. I had no way of knowing if she was telling the truth or not, but she had never lied to me in the past, and I didn't want to argue with her. I loved her more than anything and the last thing either of us needed was a fight over something insignificant. She admitted she was wrong. She apologized. That was all I could ask for.
"It's okay," I said, leaning forward to grab her wrist and pull her closer to me. "I guess I overreacted. Everyone has off days."
"You don't have to do that," she argued. "You don't have to act like you did something wrong just to make me feel better."
"There are always two sides to an argument. No one person is ever at fault," I reassured her.
"So do you forgive me?" she asked.
I smiled, trying my best to mask the frustration that I was feeling. Of course I forgave her, but we shouldn't have argued in the first place. I was still worried that our relationship was suddenly so fragile, and I tried not to think about it, but I knew in the back of my mind that it wouldn't be much longer until we broke.
"Of course," I answered.
She pressed her lips to mine and smiled, and I instantly melted into her. There was no way I could resist her even if I was still slightly angry. She pulled back but the tension in the room held us together. It wasn't frustrating tension anymore though- it had morphed into something else.
She looked me up and down and bit down on her bottom lip, voicing her desires without even having to open her mouth.
Within seconds she was against my lips again. She kissed me softly as her hands found my side. We separated but she hovered over me, her lips brushing against mine and her breath against my skin. The room was silent except for the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears, and then we were together again. She kissed me harder, our lips molding together, and her fingers dug into my hip and pushed me against the door, eliciting a loud thud.
"Lock the door," she instructed.
I felt around for the knob and clicked the lock while her lips found their way to my neck. I let out a quiet moan but she kissed me again, the remainder of the sound spilling out when she slipped her tongue into my mouth. She pulled me away from the door and spun me around, pushing be backwards until I collided with the bed and fell onto the mattress. She climbed on top of me while I crawled further onto the sheets, our lips never separating. She pushed me down into the pillows and began to unbutton my blouse. She pulled it open but didn't take it off, instead sliding down and kissing the spot just above my waistband and then sliding the tip of her tongue along my abdomen, causing the muscles to tense up at the foreign contact.
She unbuttoned my jeans and slid her hand inside before returning to my neck and sucking on my pulse point.
"This doesn't make any sense," I breathed, my hips moving against her hand.
She bit down softly on the same spot and then traced her tongue along my neck until she reached my jawline, kissing me softly on the spot behind my ear.
"One minute we're at each other's throats and the next we're tearing each other's clothes off," I continued.
"You talk too much," she growled, sitting up long enough to pull my pants off of my legs. "Just go with it."
She pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it aside, and I admired her figure as usual. I hooked my fingers through her belt loops and pulled her back down, unbuttoning her pants once our lips connected again. I shimmied out of my blouse and threw it to the side, rolling over so that I took her place on top.
"Look at you finally taking control," she teased, throwing her head back against the pillow when I slipped my hand inside her jeans.
We removed the remainder of our clothes and she quickly reclaimed her rightful place, rolling me over so that she could hover over me. She slid her hand down my torso and stopped on my waistline, her breath colliding with my skin and sending shivers down my spine. She finally continued and toyed with my center for a moment before slipping a finger inside. I arched my back underneath her, feeling her skin against my own and her lips just millimeters above mine. I soon returned the favor and we fell into a rhythmic pattern, our lips pressed together, chest to chest, feeling each other in every way possible until we both came apart and Lauren collapsed on the bed next to me.
She wiped the sweat off her brow with the back of her hand and I watched as her chest heaved with every breath while she came down from her high. I propped myself up on my elbow and kissed her gently.
"I love you," I reminded her, wrapping my arm around her and resting my head on the soft spot under her shoulder.
"I love you too, Camz," she reciprocated. "Please don't ever forget that."
"I won't," I promised, closing my eyes and letting the rise and fall of her chest lull me to sleep.
Every time I started to question our relationship she was always there to prove me wrong. Every time I had doubts she was one step ahead of me, waiting to show me why I should trust her. I knew she loved me, and even though sometimes I was afraid, I wouldn't ever forget it.
I didn't think there was any way I ever could.