[A/N: Songs for the chapter:
- Daughter // Youth
- Maroon 5 // Sad
- Birdy // Not About Angels]
A bland, beige, four storey building loomed over Tyler and I, blocking off the sun to cast a long shadow that seemed to grow with each minute. The square windows were tinged yellow with age and spotted with small, white bird droppings from the boisterous pigeons that flapped above us. The brisk wind carried traces of the fast-approaching winter, seeping through my jeans and chilling me to the bone. I tightened my coat around my body and pulled the zipper from my chest to my chin.
"Is this it?"
Tyler looked at me questioningly, clearly unimpressed by the eroding, limestone structure. He furrowed his eyebrows as we craned our head at the sky.
"Yup," I glanced at him, letting out a short laugh. "What did you expect? A spotless skyscraper with a doorman to point us towards the fancy reception?"
"Not quite," He pursed his lips and raked his eyes over the building, sizing it up. "Just something a little more...professional looking."
I rolled my eyes, biting back a sarcastic remark because it wasn't Tyler's fault that his parents could afford one of those immaculate therapists with trendy offices and hot assistants.
They were overrated anyway.
Here it was just a rented floor that Dr Jillian conducted her sessions in. Nothing too fancy which was the reason, along with her expertise, why she seemed to have a soaring success with her clients - excluding myself, obviously.
We continued to linger outside for a moment longer before I hopped up the small, stone steps and pressed a finger on the doorbell. Letting it ring for a few seconds, I shuffled on the steps to bring some warmth back into my legs whilst Tyler rubbed his hands together and blew into them.
"Man, it's freezing. You'd think that the cold could wait until November," He complained, glancing at the deceitfully blue sky that was dotted with wispy clouds.
I nodded with agreement. It was one of those days where the sun shone with an intensity that could blind a person, but the wind still nipped at our cheeks, leaving them unbearably numb. On Tyler, pink cheeks seemed to compliment his rosy lips, but on me, I was pretty sure the tip of my nose was redder than Ruldolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
When we were buzzed in, I pushed the door open, holding it open for Tyler as I gestured for him to go in first. With an eye roll, he stood glued to his spot.
"Come on, do you wanna be late?" I gave him a flat look, impatience creeping into my voice.
Tyler's lips twitched as if he found my irritation amusing, but still, he made no move to escape the biting wind.
"Seriously?" I huffed when he pointed his chin at me to enter the building first. "Now all of a sudden you want to play the gentleman?"
My eyes found his lips which were pulled into a smirk and I lifted them back to his intoxicatingly bright eyes, holding them for a moment before letting out a breath of frustration.
"Suit yourself," I grunted, striding into the crisp warmth that shot down from the heat pump that was built into the tiled ceiling.
The ground floor wasn't furnished to sophistication but the interior designer had made an attempt to give the spacious room a friendly atmosphere. Although, I didn't want to remember the last time I had been dragged into this building by my mother, wild with anxiety, sleepless nights and exhausting nightmares. It reminded me of a hospital because everything was pristine white besides the vibrant abstract paintings that lined the walls on my left and right, large and attention seeking. They weren't particularly impressive, more like a splatter of metallic paint tossed onto a black canvas by a child.
A horseshoe desk enclosed the receptionist, wrapping around the entire length of one wall, leaving just enough space for the elevator and the staircase on the far left. Familiar blue eyes looked up from the computer screen, lighting up with recognition as we approached the desk. Tyler was hot on my tail, hovering behind me with a proximity that was enough to make the hairs on my nape stand stall with unease.
"Ashley?" The receptionist tucked a brown lock back into her tightly wound bun and smiled at me, her glossy red lips oozing with pity. "Where have you been this past year?"
My tummy churned with exasperation, worry and horror. Was she was going to blow my cover and reveal to Tyler that I was one of Dr Jillian's oldest clients? I plastered a smile onto my face, trying to keep my expression neutral even though I felt the urge to clamp her mouth shut using a hammer and nails.
"I've been busy," I replied in a curt voice, tensing when she glanced up at me, clearly startled by the edge in my voice.
Jackie's smile faltered and she moved the computer mouse, clicking a couple of times before returning her attention back to me.
"I don't have you down for an appointment today."
Flustered, I leaned forward.
"Well why on earth would I need an appointment?" I scoffed, stealing a glance over my shoulder at Tyler.
He seemed distracted by her soft features and easy smile. Good, I thought.
I mean, she wasn't much older than us - definitely younger than twenty-five since I remembered her rambling on about recently attaining a degree in Psychology a few years ago. And Tyler looked a few years older than most seniors so I guess it made sense that she was interested - very, very interested by the looks of it.
Ignoring the tight knot forming inside my belly, I held Jackie's gaze when she raised an eyebrow, confused by my ridiculous question, but thankfully she kept her mouth shut.
"It's for my..." I paused momentarily. "Friend."
Jackie picked up on my slight hesitation and her gaze slid to Tyler. Forgetting about my obvious lie, a switch was flipped within her and she drank in every aspect of his face; gawking over the curve of his nose, his windswept hair and the slant of his sharp cheekbones. Finally her eyes locked onto his, flirtatiously sparkling with a hidden message that made my stomach drop.
I didn't like the look in her eyes, at all.
"Name?" She purred, completely ignoring me as she gave Tyler her undivided attention.
"Tyler Miller," He replied, shockingly unaware by Jackie's sudden interest. I suppressed an eye roll when her smile widened.
When his voice wavered, I was jolted back into a reality where I wasn't on the verge of ripping Jackie's hair from her intricate bun. She took the low dip in his voice as an encouragement and let loose a small giggle. This time, I rolled my eyes and turned to my side so I could face Tyler. It took a great deal of effort to keep my impassive mask intact when his chest was pressed into my side. Nervousness radiated off him like a bad odour, sticking to every inch of his taut muscles that seemed to tense beneath his light coat.
"Hey," I whispered whilst Jackie's red fingernails flew across the keyboard. "Are you alright?"
Tyler gulped nervously, running both hands through his hair until they disappeared beneath a river of gold. With his hands clamping his scalp, he shot me a panicked expression.
"I don't think so," He admitted in a low voice, letting his hands fall to his side when Jackie looked up at us, sympathy pulling her lips into a soft smile.
"Don't worry, Dr Jillian isn't scary at all. She's probably the kindest person you'll ever meet," She said with a light laugh, trying to ease the tension wavering from Tyler.
Grateful that she had stopped flirting, I smiled at her attempt to ease his worry, even though it was directed at the wrong matter.
Tyler wasn't worried about seeing a therapist, it ran deeper than that, shaking the very foundations he treaded on. He was terrified by the secrets, memories and buried emotions that Dr Jillian could retract from his well guarded thoughts and how it would impact him if he actually let her do her job.
I knew the feeling all too well and there were two options that a person had at that point: to clamber back into their mind and hide behind their guard, or to strip everything back and reveal the canvas of their suffering so that their therapist could help them wipe it clean in order for it to be painted on again.
As poetic as that sounded, those were Dr Jillian's own words drilled into my mind from the amount of times she had repeated them.
"Take the elevator to the fourth floor. Dr Jillian's office is the first one on the right." Jackie instructed Tyler, flirting with him again.
Her excessive blinks and a sugar-sweet voice was irritating me to no ends. Pushing back the urge to gag, I placed my hand on the inside of Tyler's elbow and steered him to the left, prodding the elevator button as he stared at his feet, clenching his jaw repeatedly.
By the time we reached the fourth floor, Tyler had raked his hand through his hair thirteen times in the space of two minutes - I actually counted. Tufts of hair stood upright at numerous angles, and it was only when he realised that I was gawking at it, desperately holding back a laugh, that he patted the locks until they flopped back into place.
"Thanks for the heads up," He drawled, trying to lace his voice with humour even though it came out flat.
"Anytime," I giggled half-heartedly.
He seemed to loosen up at my attempt to lighten the heaviness that made his shoulders slope, but he pursed his lips when I knocked on the first door on the right.
"Come in," A soft voice came from the other side and I cracked the door open, before pushing it wide enough to give Tyler a glimpse at the frail woman who shuffled around her desk, struggling to tidy the masses of paperwork that threatened to fall onto the plush, navy carpet.
"You have got to be kidding me!" Tyler breathed, scanning the entire room.
I bit back a small smile and stepped into the small office.
"Dr Jillian isn't really that..." I paused, setting my gaze on the wilting flower pots that lined the window ledge. "...materialistic."
The office reflected her mismatched clothes, with random figurines and dusty books cluttering her bookshelf. There were a handful of framed certificates that lined the wall behind her desk, including her doctorate in psychiatry as well as psychology.
The entire room was half the size of my bedroom and could fit into Tyler's bedroom at least six times. It was enough space for a desk, an ancient sofa set and an overflowing oak shelf. Cardboard boxes were stacked upon each other beside her desk with things that she couldn't bear to through out. Sentimentality was Dr Jillian's greatest flaw.
"Nice to see you again Ashley, I thought you were never going to turn up again," Her chirpy voice filled the room, soft and comforting even though her words made my blood freeze still.
I ignored Tyler's obvious confusion, but when he tapped my shoulder, I plastered a smile onto my face.
"Yeah?" I raised my eyebrows at him questioningly.
Taken aback by the sharpness that crept into my voice, he blinked several times.
"I thought you said your friend was the one..." He trailed off, frowning deeply as his eyes flickered around the room.
Using Tyler's hesitation as an opportunity to shoot down his perfectly accurate prediction, I lied.
"Yeah, but I came with her a few times for support."
He nodded reluctantly and I wasn't sure if I had convinced him but he seemed to accept my fake story. I don't know why it seemed so important to keep my therapy sessions a secret but I kept it guarded closely, locked up and stored in a chest somewhere at the far back of my mind along with the memory of my father's death.
Turning to Dr Jillian, who had her back to us, I thought about my last session with her, when she made me tell her every detail of how my father died. I couldn't understand why she had pushed me that far, but even when I began to cry hysterically, she urged me to continue. I guess some good came out of saying it all aloud for the first time ever. I felt relieved, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Later, the relief ebbed away like the high of a drug after a few hours. Then, quietly excruciatingly, I realised that all I gained from that session were nightmares every night for the following month.
"Nice to see you too," I replied as she picked up a tan file and retrieved a few blank sheets.
Her dirty blonde hair was woven with an equal measure of grey that glinted in the well lit room, and I took the opportunity to eye her peculiar choice of clothes.
Dr Jillian had paired loosely fitted, linen white trousers with a washed out, denim blazer that would have looked fashionable if the buttons weren't different sizes. My eyes trailed down to her infamous gladiator sandals and I bit back a laugh. I wasn't surprised that she chose to wear them even though the autumn sunshine was woven with the cold winds of winter.
She turned around, reaching for a clipboard from the shelf before facing us.
"Take a seat," She smiled, waving her bony fingers toward the two-seated sofa.
Uncomfortable and anxious, I shifted my weight from one foot to another.
"Umm, I'm not here to stay," I mumbled awkwardly.
Tyler's head snapped in my direction and I staggered back a step, startled by the terror in his eyes. I was surprised his neck didn't snap.
"Ashley." Tyler's voice was strained and his eyes were wide.
It took me a few seconds to pinpoint the churning fear that rippled behind his sea-green eyes. Confused, we stared at each other and I could feel the weight of Dr Jillian's gaze anchoring me to the carpet.
"You can stay, if you want to, as long as Tyler doesn't mind." She said kindly, although we both knew that I would rather set myself alight with a tank of gasoline and a matchstick.
It wasn't hard to see that I despised the whole idea surrounding therapy. Vocalising my deepest fears and nightmares made me nervous and uncomfortable, like the walls were closing in on me. I mean, the first three years, Mom had to physically clamp me to the sofa and guard the door whenever I had an appointment with Dr Jillian. One time when I was fifteen, I bolted out of the room and managed to escape to the reception, only to find out that Jackie had locked the front door - a precaution that Dr Jillian took whenever I had a session with her.
How did they even know I was going to make a break for the door?
Reluctantly, I had to retreat to the room to spend an hour digging up agonising memories of my father, and the worst part was that my mother refused to leave the room in case I chose to attempt another escape.
"Will you?" Tyler shuffled closer to me, rigid as a plank of wood.
"Will I what?" I croaked, keep my gaze on the floor as he let out a shaky breath.
I hadn't even realised he was standing so close to me.
"Stay," The crack in his voice jolted me out of the selfish thoughts in my mind. What was I doing? Tyler needed me, and here I was, plotting to scale down the water pipe outside the ajar window. "Will you stay? Please?"
Stooping down to my level, Tyler pushed a wispy curl back so he could access my ear. Startled by the intimate gesture, I shuddered when his warm breath tickled my ear.
What was he doing? If it had been anybody else, I would have jerked away, but to my surprise, I relaxed and welcomed the proximity between us.
"If I'm going to give this an actual shot, I'm going to need you here munchkin," He whispered quietly so that Dr Jillian couldn't hear.
Although his voice was stronger than before, the wavering fear that dimmed his bright eyes made me purse my lips. Sliding my gaze to Dr Jillian, I sighed heavily and nodded before stepping around Tyler to plop myself down onto the sofa. She seated herself across from us, crossing one leg over the other so that she could balance her clipboard onto her knee.
"So," Her eyes flickered between the two of us before they settled on Tyler, warm and welcoming. "Tell me a bit about yourself."
Tyler was sitting on the edge of the sofa as if he was ready to flee any moment. His posture was rigid and his fingers were woven together, clasped so tightly that his knuckles were a startling shade of milk-white. Scooting closer to him, I nudged my shoulder with his and gestured at him to relax but he pursed his lips in response as if to say that he couldn't.
"What exactly do you want to know?"
I raised my eyebrows and stole a glance at him.
Dr Jillian seemed amused by his nonchalant response, but I knew better. The question was so vague that he had no idea where to start, so he felt the need to narrow down her question. Too bad. It wouldn't work. Everything that Dr Jillian came out with was vague so that the client has no choice but to do all the talking. It was a neat little trick and I hated it, but it was effective.
She gave him a small smile.
"Anything."
Tyler gave me a look as if to ask if this was really worth a shot. I nodded, small enough for Dr Jillian to miss my encouraging gesture but big enough for him to gulp nervously.
"Well, my mom nearly died giving birth to me because my head was so big and the midwife didn't really take that into account."
I clamped a hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh and even Dr Jillian's thin lips twitched with amusement. Of all things to say about himself, how on earth did he settle on that fact? When I couldn't hold it in any longer, I guffawed, earning a half smile from him.
"What?" He laughed lightly and I was secretly ecstatic that he was no longer tense. "It's true! I paved the way for Taylor to enter this world, otherwise she'd have died too."
"That's just gross!" I laughed, wrinkling my nose with disgust as a gruesome image cropped up behind my eyelids.
"Well you're gross in general so you can't judge me," He turned to me, grinning wickedly and for a fleeting moment, we completely forgot where we were.
I bumped his shoulder in response, unaware that Dr Jillian was busily scribbling a paragraph on her clipboard.
"Shut up and come up with something about yourself that doesn't involve your mom spreading her legs," I giggled, shooting him a feigned death glare before clamping a hand over my mouth.
Tyler threw his head back, laughing loudly whilst I flashed Dr Jillian an apologetic and embarrassed smile.
"Sorry," I mumbled sheepishly whilst the guy behind me turned his head to the door to conceal his silent laughter. I elbowed his ribs but that only made his shoulders shake harder. "Stop laughing and wasting time, you still have to give a proper answer."
After a few seconds, Tyler contained his laughter and sobered up.
"Okay fine. Umm, my birthday is on September the second which makes me a week older than Ashley," He smiled smugly and I shot him an exaggerated eye roll. "My parents are both lawyers and they work for the Supreme Court and they own the largest law firm in America. I think I have an addiction to banana cake the same way Ashley's obsessed with KitKats and chocolate milkshake. I'm into soccer - it's my all time favourite sport - but I also watch a lot of baseball and basketball too. I used to play soccer competitively and had a couple of scouts keeping an eye on my progression by sophomore year, but I quit it."
Dr Jillian nodded, giving him an easy smile.
"Did it make you happy? Playing soccer, I mean."
The question made him pause. He nodded eagerly and I noticed his eyes glint with passion.
"Yeah, it was my escape from reality. Some people like to read, write, play music, dance. You.know...whatever helps them forget about their shitstorm problems. All I had to do was pick up a soccer ball and all my problems would go away."
I smiled wistfully, reminscing over what a phenomenal striker he once was. I attended most of his games with his sister, watching him weave past his opponents faster than a lightning strike. My chest lurched at the memory of the one time he let me wear his jersey in middle school which was often Taylor's role. Most of his teammates let their girlfriends wear their jerseys but I don't think Tyler ever gave the privilege to another girl.
Thing is, soccer doesn't just require endurance, strength and agility like American football; it takes a high level of skill and sharp thinking to be a unbeatable at soccer. And that was exactly the type of qualities that made Tyler so feared on the field.
"Why did you quit it if made you so happy?"
He shrugged his shoulders and a thread tugged my heart when they deflated and he hunched over.
"My problems grew after Taylor's diagnosis and soccer became a burden rather than a means of escape. I began to hate it because practice took up time that I could've spent with my sister."
Listening intently, I was surprised that Tyler could hate something that he was so good at. I guess I was too blind to notice that it was making him miserable.
Dr Jillian gnawed on the edge of her pen. "It's very unfortunate that you had to give it up but now that Taylor's gone, why haven't you picked it up again?"
The question seemed to catch him off guard and he fell silent for a long time, thoroughly thinking the question through.
"I've started to practice by myself again and it feels so good that I almost forget, for a split second, why I actually gave it up...But I don't think it will ever be the same again. You see, since Taylor died, nothing's really been the same."
Brown eyes scrutinised Tyler's every move; the way he rubbed his calloused knuckles and drummed his feet on the ground, unable to keep still.
"Why not? What's changed since your sophomore year?"
"I lost everything - my captainship, my spot on the team and the respect my teammates had for me."
Unintentionally, our knees brushed and the loss he felt transferred from his body, leaving me with an aching chest. I felt the sudden urge to squeeze his knee and assure him that it wasn't impossible for him to get all those things back. But the chances of Coach Webber admitting Tyler back into his first-string post seemed very unlikely, especially since try-outs for the team were at the beginning of the year. The soccer season was going to begin in a week or two.
Dr Jillian made a few notes.
"Do you want it all back?" She asked.
I held my breath, facing him as he turned his head away and nodded.
"Yeah, more than anything." He sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes as defeat weighed his voice down. "I mean, what else have I got left? My grades are so shit I doubt I'll even get into the community college at this rate. Sometimes I just...I just feel like this waste of space who is going nowhere in life. I don't have anything going for at all. I can't concentrate in any classes and even when I do try, there's like a mental block in my head. There's too much shit to think about and I feel like...I don't know...like school is a waste of time."
Dispondency pulled his lips down, keeping them locked in a deep frown.
"You've still got this entire year to solve that problem," I cut in and gave him a small smile which he feebly returned.
"I could, but when you've got nothing much to aspire to, it's hard to find the motivation to spend hours solving maths problems." Tyler laughed bitterly.
He watched me roll my eyes even though I couldn't hold back a small smile.
"Well you've got me now so I'll help you out with calculus," I said, gently bumping my shoulder with his. "It's actually not too bad once you grasp the basics about integrating and differentiating things. Trust me, I used to suck at it worse than you do now."
Tyler nodded, gratitude brightening his eyes as they flickered between mine. The sunlight was starting to seep into the room, gradually lighting up the far corner of the room. I focused on the dust particles that danced together as Dr Jillian asked Tyler to tell her more about himself.
He began to list things I had known ever since kindergarten; how he hates hot sauce, loves Marvel movies, has a terrible memory, finds reading time consuming, loves the night sky and constellations, enjoys playing with little kids and despises swallowing pills.
"Oh and I forgot to mention I'm a twin," He paused, averting his gaze and eyeing his sneakers. "Well, at least, I used to be."
Dr Jillian's eyebrows shot up in a surprise at his last sentence even though I had mentioned it to her when I booked this session last week. I wondered if she was feigning it all - the concern, the attentive look in her eyes, the way she leaned forward with interest. Was it all for show?
"A twin?" She echoed, scrawling down some notes before glancing at him again. "That's interesting. What was that like? My grandmother was a twin but to this day they still hate each other's guts."
He breathed a shaky laugh as his eyes glazed over and I wondered if digging up all the things he enjoyed about his inseparable bond with Taylor was too much.
"It's amazing. Absolutely amazing." His eyes became unfocused and glazed as he stared out of the window. "Just imagine being so close to somebody that you can always sense their presence in your mind. It's like they're always there, always with you...Well, I guess not anymore. I can't sense anything about Taylor anymore...She's gone. Really gone."
Tyler gulped, struggling to continue and I gnawed on my quivering bottom lip as he found the strength to carry out.
"Sure, it was weird we could sense each other but it wasn't like any of that made up bullshit. Twin twin telepathy, they call it. Nothing that deep. Just, I don't know....There were times when our feelings were in sync and I could feel everything she was going through. But other than that, she was the most annoying person in the world. God, she used to drive me insane. She could outprank me every damn time and I could never figure out how she set up the most devious crap ever."
I barked a laugh, biting my lip as I remembered how many times Taylor had asked me to help her come up with her mastermind pranks. I wondered what he would have done if he knew that I had suggested and helped his sister carry them out? Yeah, I'd probably get strangled and dumped into a river; considering the shit we put him through.
Dr Jillian noticed my secret smile and shot me a questioning look. I quickly looked away, glad that her attention was back on Tyler.
"Did you fight a lot with her?" She asked with a smile.
He laughed, but it was so bitter that my tongue felt like ash in my mouth.
"We argued so much over the silliest things, but after that we would take long walks or lay down in our back garden and talk for hours. There wasn't any barrier between us and we weren't really afraid to say 'I love you' like most siblings do."
"I see," She paused, noting down what he had just said. "So you guys were really, really close?"
Tyler's eyes were trained to the window, "Yeah we were. Sometimes, she claimed we were the same soul and mind parted into two separate bodies because there were moments when we knew exactly how the other was thinking and feeling. Although, I did tell her to cut out with the sappy, soulmate crap because nobody likes to be told that they're the same person as their sister. Individuality is cool. I don't want people to start calling me Taylor now, do I?"
He chuckled, shaking his head gently as his eyes glazed over at the memory.
"We rarely kept secrets from each other because we talked about our problems so there was nothing to hide," Tyler continued. "She...She was pretty much my bestest friend."
Despair contorted his face and for a second I thought he was going to cry or flip out, but seconds later he wore an impassive mask and blinked slowly as if exhaustion was weighing his eyelids down.
"And who do you talk to about your problems now that your sister is gone?"
All life seemed to leave his body. Digging his elbows into his thighs, Tyler used his arms to hold his head as if the weight was too much to bear.
"No one," Tyler whispered in a voice so small that I desperately wanted to pull him into a tight hug and hold him there forever. "I just push them away and force myself not to think about them."
Dr Jillian nodded slowly, making note of that with a deep frown on her lips. When he looked my way, a tightness crept through my chest, compressing every fibre of my heart. It was like he didn't want me to know that, and now that I did, he dreaded to think what I thought about him.
Had my opinion on him changed?
I held his agonised eyes and was certain that if anything, I deemed his strength as greater because facing immense grief the way he was, completely alone, was extremely hard.
I wanted to say: "Trust me Ty, you're not alone."
But, like the coward I was, I looked away, too ashamed to offer him any comfort.
When Dr Jillian's warm brown eyes slid towards me, I knew she could see right through me. I hated that her gaze could penetrate the many layers I had wrapped around myself to hide myself from everybody. I didn't see her next question coming because I assumed she was busy writing and couldn't multitask, but I was wrong.
"How about you, Ashley. How are you holding up? Have you been sleeping well?"
The sudden digression caught me off guard and I stared at her with a blank expression, confused that she was interest in my well-being when the session was supposed to be about Tyler. To him, the question must have seemed basic - like a break for him to catch his breath and compose himself.
It shouldn't have required much thought. But to me, each and every word cut through the tough barrier I usually hid behind and my hesitation caused Dr Jillian to glance up from her clipboard.
"I'm fine," I croaked, refusing to meet her eyes as she waited for me to the answer the second part of her question. "I sleep...comfortably."
I focused on her perfectly painted toenails, scrutinising the way she wriggled them every few minutes before I looked out of the window. From my peripheral vision, I caught a glimpse of her unconvinced, tight-lipped smile as she focused on Tyler again. He seemed exhausted like the past hour had drained him completely and I began to notice the red spots on his knuckle where he had absentmindedly rubbed the skin too hard.
"So Tyler, if I could grant you one wish right now, what would you use it on?"
The question lingered in the air for a moment and I turned my head to the side, not bothering to conceal my dying curiosity as we waited for his answer.
"I wish...I-I could swap places with Taylor," His voice was merely a whisper.
I held my breath, confused for a split second before his words clicked into place. Did he just say he wished that he could have been the one to die from leukaemia?
"What do you mean exactly?" Dr Jillian prodded him to elaborate in a voice so soft that it coaxed him to continue.
"Tay's future seemed so promising. I mean, we had it all mapped out. We were supposed travel around Asia for a month after junior year so that she could build up her portfolio to get into a competitive arts school in New York. After college we were supposed to get a place in Manhattan so we could be closer to Mom and Dad's law firm," Tyler rubbed his knuckles and cracked them before flexing his slender fingers. "She even named the puppy we wanted to get. A husky named Buster. I just...I just wish she could have lived her dream life."
He paused, struggling to continue.
"And when she got cancer, those dreams were left dangling, ready to get cut off the moment she died. Suddenly all those hours we had spent planning amounted to nothing. All those years she spent dreaming were for nothing."
When the urge to squeeze his leg came, I didn't hold back the chance to comfort him because I knew how hard this was on him. Talking about memories that he had locked away was bound to be excruciating. With a grateful smile, his eyes searched mine and my stomach dipped at the heartbroken expression he wore.
One of the best aspects about Dr Jillian's sessions was that she seemed to know exactly how far to push a person to open up, even if it was phenomenally hard for them. She pushed until they were on the verge of breaking and then stood a step back. Problem was, when it came to pushing me, I toppled and fell into a vortex of misery.
Dr Jillian pushed me too hard and she knew that was why I stopped my sessions.
When she uncrossed her legs and leaned forward, I knew that the session was drawing to a close. With one last question, she leaned to the left and placed her clipboard and pen onto her desk.
"This question goes for the both of you," She paused, flickering her gaze between us. "If you woke up tomorrow and all your problems were gone, how would you know?"
Tyler seemed startled and his face contorted with immediate concentration as he delved into his thoughts, racking up a suitable answer. On the other hand, I held her gaze because my answer was definite and pessimistic.
"I'd probably open my eyes, live the day to the fullest because no matter what goes wrong, I'd be grateful that my darkest moments are over. So I guess, I don't know, I'd just be happy...w-which I haven't felt in so long that I can't really remember what it's actually like."
Tyler's honesty made my heart rate quicken because he sounded hopeful, like it was possible that one day he would wake up to find all his problems gone.
"And you Ashley?"
They both turned towards me, expecting an answer that would end the session on a light note. Holding their gaze, I slowly trained it to the window and focused on the leaves on a distant tree. As they rustled alongside the wailing wind outside, I heard myself speak in a monotonous drawl.
"I wouldn't know because my problems won't be gone tomorrow, or the day after, or any time in the near future. They define me the same way my features make up my face; but I wouldn't notice the way my face changes over time. So how would I know if all my problems are gone when I can't even notice the changes that my face undergoes everyday?"
Confusion laced through their eyebrows and they both blinked at me. I sighed heavily, struggling to convey my idea.
"When you look back at old photographs, you realise how much you've changed over time, right? Well, the same goes for your problems. You just look back and realise that your old problems have changed into new ones. It's not something that will disappear in the space of one day, just like your face won't change in one day. So I wouldn't know if all my problems are gone because it's such a gradual process that I probably won't even notice."
For the first time, in the six years I had known Dr Jillian, she opened her mouth and closed it. Speechless. Finally she managed to choke out a reply.
"Oh."
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[A/N: I'm on fire tonight. This is almost 7000 words *gasp*
Anyway, this chapter was kind of deep and I had to address a lot of real life problems because I don't want this book to be a typical 'Boy + Girl = Happy Ever After'
I want it to be real. It is real, to me at least. People go through this shit daily and if you're on the list, then know that you're not alone. Life isn't a happy merry-go-round. It's a fucking shitstorm of a roller-coaster so hang in there <3
Next Chapter: Bad Boy To The Rescue
Not to overexcite you or anything BUT...from this point forward, this story makes me asdghfjlafhak, cry, sob, asdfghjklasdfghjklasdfgjkl again, and die from the FEEEEEEELLLLS. Lol, I am faaaar to emotionally invested with my own characters. This isn't normal!
I'll see you in two days. Vote, comment and fan.
- Kaddy]