Where there is love, there is life.
Date: 5 March 2017 (The time when Hui Xin is still sick)
Place: China.
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Jing Hui's pov
I grinned upon hearing the music roaring across the whole place that I'm currently in.
Gulping the vodka in my hand, I crossed my legs up as I twirled my fingers on my hair while looking around.
Inhaling; I find myself relaxing upon having the smell of the cigarette filling up my nostril.
"Hey, pretty," It didn't take me long to hear a husky voice beside my ear as a hand was placed on my waist, "Alone?" I turned around to look, found a gorgeous man as his cologne hit my nose immediately, "Obviously." I smile seductively to him as he took the seat beside me; he ordered two glasses of whiskey.
His hand never left jie's waist.
One thing I like about going to pub; I feel like I'm alive again. It makes me feel like I'm indeed a real human even though I know I'm not.
To be honest, I know jie imagined me as a guy; but actually, I know that I think and feel like a girl. I'm not really a guy as I thought I am.
Probably you would consider me a gay if I do exist.
"Whiskey?" He handed me the glass and I took it, gulping it all while looking at him and he went shock, "Wow, you can drink." I put down the glass swiftly before wrapping my arms around his nape as I whispered beside his ear, "I'm unexpected aren't I?" I bite his earlobe slightly and I can hear him chuckling a little, "You're a naughty girl, huh?" I feel both of his hands on my waist now as he pulled me to him, making me sit on his lap, "Name?"
I traced my fingers across his jawline, "Hui." I don't want him to know my name, "You?" We locked our eyes together, "Venus." Wow, an English name. I like that.
"Do you have a girlfriend, Venus?" I muttered as our lips are dangerously close to each other now, "No. Do you have a boyfriend then, beautiful?" I simply grinned; I don't but Jie did.
Well, who cares? Fan ge is sleeping like a dead person on his bed now and he wouldn't know if I left the house to the pub.
In the middle of the night.
"What do you think?" His hand traced circles on my thigh, lifting my red dress higher and higher but I didn't care, "I don't think you did." His hand stopped drawing circles as he gave me a sly smile, "Let's have some fun?" I chuckle while he leaned close to kiss me; I sucked his bottom lips a little and just when we are about to make out already, I heard someone cursing and I was being yanked off from his lap before I could react, "FVCK."
I came face to face with Fan ge as he gritted his teeth while looking at me; fuming, "What are you thinking are you doing?" He's mad; I clearly know that and I shrugged, "Kissing. Can't you see that?" I thought he wouldn't know; damn.
"Mother fvcker." He cursed again as he glared at Venus which he shrugged and pulled me with him harshly; I found Fan ge hot for cursing actually, "Let go!" I groaned immediately; but man! I just came here for not even an hour yet!
"SHUT THE FVCK UP!" He shoved me to his car as my back against it and I winced; fvck, that hurts!
"I SAID DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN WEARING NOW! FVCK, YOU ARE MY GRILFRIEND!" He growled in anger as he kicked his tyre, "I'm not okay! I'm Jing Hui now!" I exclaimed and he snapped his head to me while grabbing my chin with force as he pushed me against the car, "YOU ARE IN HER BODY FOR FVCK'S SAKE HUANG JING HUI!" He yelled at my face; literally and I rolled my eyes while glaring. He is such an annoying man!
"Fvck you! You kissed other guy other than me!" He shoved my face away as he let go, "You don't kiss other guys other than me! I don't care if you are Jing Hui or not, YOU CAN NEVER KISS ANYONE ELSE!" Once again, he yelled in frustrated as I snickered, "Please! Is pub for pete's sake! People make out when they are there!" It was obvious that he never been to a pub okay! I can't believe that!
No one will take it serious when they are in the pub! Is just a one-night stand thingy!
"HUI XIN HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND THAT'S ME! YOU DON'T GO TO THE PUB TO MAKE OUT WITH OTHER GUYS WHAT THE FVCK!" He cursed again and his eyes obviously show frustration, "Be more open minded! No one is taking it seriously okay! People lie for not having a girlfriend or boyfriend! Just what's the----"
I got cut off when he grabbed my face and kissed me out of the blue; really, he banged my back on his car again and I hissed but I forgotten about it when he pressed his body close to mine, "Fvck—" I cursed while pushing him away but he closed the gap between our lips again and deepen the kiss by sucking my bottom lips so hard which I think it makes me flutter; it doesn't feel wrong because is still jie he's kissing; although I'm Jing Hui now but I feel my heart pounding fast in excitement when he slid his tongue into my mouth, nibbling my tongue.
I found myself responding to his kiss; I pulled him closer and he groaned when I slid my tongue into his mouth, tasting him like how he tastes me a moment ago.
Damn! No wonder Jie like to kiss him so much sometimes because his lips is so soft that would melt anyone.
Not to mention that he smells so good which would get any girls addicted to that scent of his god damn it!
"Fvck," Again, he cursed for the nth times when we both pulled away to catch our breath as he pressed his forehead on mine, "What the fvck had I done?" He muttered in disbelief and I chuckle while opening my eyes as he gave me a deadpanned face, "First time making out with jie, right?" I said and he glared but cheeks flushing; it was common to me actually.
I admit; I make out with guys in the pub when I get to go. But I never put in any emotion into it; it was just a plain make out and hey, I do get curious on how it feels to kiss someone. Jie has a boyfriend to kiss now, but I don't.
I don't have and I can never have. I realize it since the start. I realize it all these while.
It is fate that I have to be alone; forever.
"I'm warning you," He hissed after a moment as he looked back at me; with me still wrapping my arms around his nape, "Is only me who you can kiss like that. You can never kiss anyone else. You understand?" He gave me a hard stare and I smiled; weird, I smile when I look at how angry is he as I feel my heart beating fast now.
Just like how jie feel when he looks at her with his eyes full of care.
"Answer me." He hissed again when I said nothing as I pressed my lips on his for awhile, "Yes." I whispered after pulling away; ugh, I can't get enough of his lips. It's making me craving it now.
I don't feel that way when he try to kiss me in the changing room that time since you know, we are arguing like shit and I bite him.
God, I was crazy for biting those soft lips of his. If I knew it would feel this nice, I swear that I wouldn't.
"Good." He grunted before pulling my arms away from him and pulled me to stand aside as he open the door, "Get in." He didn't look at me anymore as he went to driver seat and slid in.
"Wash your face." He muttered while walking passes me once we get in to his house, "No." I frowned; why should I though?
"I hate you having make up on your face so just go." He spun around while speaking through his gritted teeth as he clenched his fist together; he is still mad.
Seriously, he gets jealous easily and that's one thing that I don't like about him.
"I'm not listening to you." I grunted in annoyed as I walked to the sofa and sit down while crossing my arms over my chest, "Gosh," He took in a deep breath as he ruffles his hair in frustration, "I seriously hate handling you." He stated, "Just go get your face washed and change to something normal can you?" He growled while looking back at me, "See what the hell you are wearing huh? You barely wear anything! And don't cross your arms together!" He said and I rolled my eyes; who cares? Jie look damn hot on this dress you know! Just showing her boobs a little and that's nothing! It is not like I wear only a bra now!
"I'm not asking you to look at jie now. You can choose not to look." I hissed back as I never put my arms down, "Man," He slapped his face in frustration, "Get in to my room, now." He put his hand down as he said "What for?" I pursed my lips, "I said, NOW." He pointed at his room while glaring again; he's not giving me a reason so why should I?
"Damn it," He stomped towards me and I yelped when he just carry me over his shoulder, walking to his room, "Fvck, put me down!" I struggled and he didn't listen; I stumbled when he gets in to the bathroom in his room as he finally put me down.
But he's not done yet; he pulled me to the sink and I pushed his hand away when he pressed my head down, "Don't touch me!" I growled and his face was just dark as he didn't care what I said while pressing my head down again, turning on the tap and I wasn't ready when he slapped water on my face! GOD DAMN IT!
"DAMN! ENOUGH!" I fumed while shoving his hand that was on my nape away, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE HUH?! YOU ARE NO ONE TO ME SO DON'T BOTHER IF I HAVE MAKE UP OR SOMETHING FVCKER!" I shouted at him and he gave me a cold face while grabbing the towel as he just pulled me on my nape again; he wiped my face and I struggle again, "Stop moving!" He groaned while pulling me back on my waist as he locked me in his arm, "Stop it!" I pushed his hand away that has the towel, "I SAID DON'T MOVE." He gave me a stern stare as he grabbed my chin now while taking out the mascaras for me, "You don't do anything to a face that doesn't belongs to you." He said and that makes me stop struggling.
I literally heard a thud in my heart as I stared at him. He just wiped all the make up on my face.
Sting; that's what I feel physically.
I know okay? I know. You don't have to keep reminding me that I'm just a personality that jie imagined and I shouldn't exist in this world.
Yes, I'm Huang Jing Hui and yet;
I ain't a human like what you think I am.
I'm only a person who doesn't exist in this world anymore. Not anymore.
It was unbelievable; that I could exist just because jie imagined me.
A girl who named Huang Hui Xin imagined me. I'm not part of her when I first realize that I have a body. I don't.
I was only an imagination back then.
It happened so suddenly that I found myself standing behind her while looking at her; solving maths question.
And I talked; I talked without knowing that I'm not supposed to be there because,
She replied me.
For god's sake, she replied me when I asked what is she doing and she said she's doing her homework.
Ever since then, I talked to her and I found myself knowing every single thing about her. Including that she's an orphan. Just every single thing.
She never doubts my existence. She never did and neither me.
But I start to know I'm not a human when I can't see myself on the mirror.
I don't have a shadow as I was walking her to school and looked down at the floor. I only see her shadow.
I asked how I look like; she described me in a very detail manner. And she asked me back why I wore the same outfit every time.
I don't know actually. I was scare at first to find out that I'm not a human, thinking that I'm a ghost instead but who knows that I'm neither both of that.
I'm a hallucination. Her hallucination.
I realize that when I found a person who looks like me; she showed me how I look like by drawing. What's more his name is Jing Hui too.
I guess she used his look on me because she found him being bullied in school a few times; just like her back then and she wasn't able to help when she wanted to because her hands was wounded due to the excessive training for judo.
I didn't tell her about it. I just appear when she gets home. I appear when she was eating bread and I'm telling her to buy some rice to eat but she refused. She makes me worried for her.
I nagged when she's sick as she wasn't eating medicine because she complained it was expensive.
Everything was normal until one day;
I was surprise when I open my eyes and found myself feeling different. Very different.
I feel more...solid. I feel...a beating coming from my chest.
I never know that feeling. I never know how it feels to breathe because I know I can be seen through when I look at my arms.
So the next thing I did, I look at my arms and I saw white skin. I pinched it; I feel pain.
I touched my face and hair; it was long.
I was shock when I saw myself on the mirror; or I should say I saw her on the mirror.
I was on the mirror with her body.
It feels like; I possessed her. Seriously.
Everything was new to me when I went to the kitchen because my mouth was dry and I drank water. I feel refreshing after that.
I eat the bread that she used to eat; finding that it tastes bad.
I can feel; touch, taste, see.
I became a human for the first time and I was happy.
I notice that I was still there talking to her all the time with myself being semi-transparent but woke up as her after she slept.
I start to cook something for her after that; I start to work in a 24/7 store to help her. She needed more money to get a better place to stay that time. So I worked and she was always confused on how did she has extra money in her bank account.
When she was 18 and a lawyer found her; only then I knew she was actually rich. She wasn't poor after all.
I thought the way she's living would change. Like maybe staying in her mansion but she didn't. She said she doesn't want to. She even thought of selling it but Li jie ge said don't.
I know jie is different from every girl I met when I became her.
Many are facade; they don't have a kind heart like her.
The first thing she did when she became rich; she donated many books to many orphanages. That surprises me actually. I thought she would buy a condominium actually because that place she was staying at that time wasn't good.
I only knew that I'm a personality that she created when Li jie ge brought me to Doctor Zhao and she told me. She was even surprise when I actually told her that I know I'm jie's imagination and ask her how did I end up becoming jie.
I was told that this is a rare case.
Where the person that someone imagined became another personality of his or hers at that end. It doesn't happen that often to someone who have mental sickness; maybe one in a million that you found someone like that.
And that happened to jie.
It was great to be a real human actually; I start going out at night as I get curious at many things.
I tried alcohol; just like how Li jie ge trained jie so she wouldn't get cheated by guys. We all know she has killers trying to kill her. Who knows if that guy would try to get her drunk first before killing her or something? That's why Li jie ge did that.
I went to bars and club; I was shock to see girls wearing so little and people making out as if they don't give a damn to their surrounding at all.
I started learning how to make up through videos on the internet actually. I find myself liking girls stuff more than guys stuff. Maybe because I really assume myself as jie.
And guys try to hit on me when I appear at the pub; my first make out with a guy is before jie gets a boyfriend of course.
Lust; lust is all I could see in their eyes when they look at me. I found that disgusting actually, so I never did more than just making out with the guys in the pub. I know most of them had sex with the girls that they found there.
I clearly know that this isn't my body; is jie's one and I don't want to steal her virginity. I don't have the rights to do so.
The only thing I steal is her first kiss.
And she never knows Fan ge wasn't her first kiss.
"Aren't you acting weird now?" Fan ge hissed at me when I hold his hand while looking up at him as he frowned, "Why am I weird?" I questioned back with a frown on my face too, "You are Jing Hui right?" I nodded, "And you hold my hand?" I nodded again, "Are you a gay?" He hissed again and that makes me laugh, "Are you seriously asking that while looking at jie's face?" I pointed my face and he rolled his eyes, "I mean, she imagined you as a guy." He said.
"I think I am if I really did exist." I answered as I shrug and he gave me a pair of wide eyes, "So you're gay?!" He gasped while shoving my hand away and I straight away pout, "I actually don't know. I think jie wanted a sister instead of brother. I don't know why I like make up and painting nails." I said while showing my nails; is peach in colour this time, "Man, a personality can be a gay too." He rubbed his forehead as he walked away and I quickly follow, "Fan ge~" I whined and he rubbed his arms, "Gosh, don't call me in that tone with her voice!" He groaned when I blocked in front of him and he immediately break on his heels, "What's wrong now? Jie always did that too!"
"Is weird when I know you are Jing Hui instead of Hui Xin." I pouted, "I'm still jie." He gave me a disgust face, "No, you are not! Hui Xin is so much better than you!" I pout even more; how can he say that? Won't he feel guilty for saying that to her face?
"You are not being fair." I muttered in grievance; I know he love jie but he shouldn't say that. I'm just.... that wasn't the real me either. I admit that I always try to get him mad.
I just want some of his attention on me too.
"This is not about being fair or not. You are indeed not her." He stated, "But I know everything about both of you. You and jie. When you first kiss her; when you get her mad; when you take her picture when she's sleeping; when-----" He immediately cover my mouth in panic, "Aishhh! You don't have to tell everything!" He looked left and right as the crew here look at us in confused; he was having Rap of China filming and I appear again when jie fall asleep, "So, be fair to me." I pouted as I said when he put his hand down, "What fair? I don't understand ugh." He groaned, "Treat me like how you treat jie." He scratched his face, "I already said," He looked back at me, "Jing Hui, you are not her."
"Then why did you make out with me that day?" He pursed his lips almost straight away when I mentioned that, "Don't you dare mention about that day." He walked away again and I quickly follow, "Eeeee, you are blushing!" I giggled aloud when I found him having a red face as he wore a poker face, "Shut up!" I laughed when he hissed, "Someone is shy heh." I mocked and he groaned while pulling me on my wrist as he brings me back to his changing room, "Just shut up and stay here ugh." He fudged while letting go of me and I grabbed his nape to peck his lips before he could leave as he stunned, "Bye bye." I giggle and he sputtered, "G-God damnit."
"Why?" I laughed as I tip toe to give him a peck again and he pushed me away, "J-Just don't do that when you are not Hui Xin." He gulped when I didn't listen and wrapped my arms around his nape, "It make no difference to you isn't it? You are still kissing her lips." I stated and he looked away when I stare at him; I know what I did wasn't right but,
I like Fan ge just like jie.
Because his eyes never look the same as those guys I met in the pub. His eyes never look like that.
"You are not her," He then pulled my arm away after inhaling for a bit, "I know is still Hui Xin that I'm kissing but you, now," He gave me a look, "Still isn't Hui Xin." I dropped my smile, "I love Hui Xin, I love the real her and not her other personality." He muttered.
"You wish I would disappear don't you?" I asked and he stared, "Being honest?" I nodded when he said that, "Yes. So she could heal. We all know she's getting weaker now and you are getting stronger." He stated; I feel my heart clenching now.
"If you don't disappear, she will. And I don't want her to." That eyes of his; is the saddest eyes I had ever seen. I know it wasn't looking like that for me; it was for jie. It was for Huang Hui Xin and not Huang Jing Hui.
I removed my eyes from him as I stared at the wall now; at the edge of crying actually.
It hurts; it does. I know I will never be with him.
I know I'm getting stronger because I want to see him. I want to be able to touch him like how jie did. I don't want to be an imagination only. I want to be a real human.
"Stay here until I come back." He mumbled that before getting out from the room as tears rolled my face once the door is closed.
Everyone just wants me to disappear when I fight to stay. No one likes my existence.
God is being so unfair to me. Everyone is being unfair to me.
Why did she even create me when I can never be a human? I can't love someone and same, no one can love me.
But I want to know how it feel to be loved by someone you love too. And I can never know how it feels.
"Hui Xin," I was talking to jie when Fan ge showed up and gave her a frown.
He looks handsome, always.
"F-Fan," As expected, she gets nervous because he wasn't happy that she talked to me; I admit that I'm being selfish now. At first I thought I would be fine for disappearing just to make jie heal but I like Fan ge now.
And I kept showing up; kept telling her about my existence.
I wanted to take over her; I'm trying to convince her all the time. I wanted to be with him.
"Yi Fan," I just stand here while looking at how jie tugged his sleeve when they are watching the tv in his living room; they aren't really watching it though, "Jie, probably give him a kiss and he won't be angry anymore." I said that and she snapped her head to me but didn't answer me, "Why jie? Answer me." I pouted when she stared; damn, please answer!
"What are you looking at?" We both looked at Fan ge and he hissed in a stern tone, "Jie, talk to me!" I try to get her attention and yes, I did as she snapped her head to me again but Fan ge grabbed her face to look at him, "You don't answer him. Look at me." I bite my lips; aish.
"Jie!" I kept budging her; if she answers me now, I can easily take over her but she start crying while shaking her head, "I can still s-see him." And what happened next was unexpected as I dropped my jaws when Fan ge kissed her.
IN FRONT OF ME.
This is the first time I see how he kiss her.
I can't feel anything now but; I know I don't like what I'm seeing.
And I can't deny that Fan ge is a good guy; the way he kisses jie, he was so...gentle.
It was gentle to an extent that I start to feel guilty; feeling guilty that I wanted jie to disappear instead of me.
Because that shows how much he loves jie; how much he wanted jie to stay and how much he wanted her to heal.
He told jie he loves her when he pulls away; I knew it a long time ago but jie was shock when he said that.
"If you love me, stay for me."
And that; I know I would be heartbroken if I can feel now. If I wasn't in a semi-transparent form.
Ever since then;
I lose the ability to talk to her slowly when she's alone. Especially when she's with Fan ge.
They are so sweet and clingy which I can never budge in. I'm a third party and I know that. I can never be like jie even if I take over her body. Even if I acted like her when I became her.
I really don't know how much Fan ge love her which he can never do anything with me when he knows I'm Jing Hui. When I'm still using her body and her face. He just wouldn't budge.
"Let go." He dropped his pen on the table when I hugged him around his neck and lay my chin on his shoulder; I actually just woke up and saw him working something on his computer.
I said nothing and did that; how the hell did he know is not jie but me?
"Huang Jing Hui, let go of me." He stated and I pouted, "How did you know is me?" He quickly pulled my arms away and pursed his lips, "Because usually Hui Xin would ask what time is it now instead of hugging me like what you did. She doesn't do that okay?" He never looks at me, "Go somewhere else and leave me alone. But don't leave the house." I sighed in frustration and went out from his room.
Aish! Seriously!
I stopped stirring the sauce in the pot when I was cooking the spaghetti sauce.
After so long, I feel pain creeping up from the bottom of my heart.
I wiped my tears that flowed down from my eyes as I continue cooking.
This time, might be the last time I can take over jie.
I'm fading soon, I know that and I'm scare to disappear actually. I can't talk to jie anymore; maybe only when she's in her weakest state like sleeping but it became rare that I could take over her like now.
I showed the plate in front of him when I went back to his room and he looked at me in confused, "Eat." I muttered and he hesitantly took the plate and start eating.
I sit down on his bed and look at him, "Why didn't you eat too?" He asked and I gave him a light shrug, "There's another plate outside at the table. You let jie eat when she wakes up." He nodded.
"This could be the last time I'm here." I whispered out of the blue and he stopped eating while looking at me, "She can't hear me anymore. Unless she's in her weakest state." I gave him a faint smile and he slowly put down the fork, "This is the last time you can eat my cooking you know. You better tell jie to learn how to cook." I chuckle lightly, trying to mask the sadness that was evident in my voice.
My heart was tearing inside actually. It was bleeding and I know nothing can ever heal it. Just, nothing.
Because I wasn't meant to exist and it was my fate for not being able to love someone. Or vice versa. I don't deserve that.
"H-How?" He looked at me with his wide eyes, "How what?" I questioned back, "I mean, how can she not hear you anymore? I know she didn't already but I wanted to know why." He stated.
I gave him a smile, "Because she loves you more than I did."
If I knew love could beat me; I would have loved him more before jie did.
Only if I knew.
And it's too late to love him when jie has tons of sketch book with his face; not only that but every moment that they shared for the past one year when they are together.
I'm glad that jie found the right person for her for the first time. Someone who could be her forever and that's Fan ge.
I couldn't; but at least jie did, right?
"Can I hug you?" I asked before I go to bed and he stared before nodding his head and I hugged him while inhaling his scent, "Continue to love jie, Fan ge." I muttered through his shirt, "I really admire you as a guy. You don't change easily." I said while looking up at him now and he was looking down at me already, "Even if I'm having her face, you would never cheat." He sighed, "It doesn't feel right, okay? It was a mistake when I kiss you that day actually. My mind was thinking is Hui Xin who kissed that guy instead of you." He scratched his head while blushing.
I chuckled; I still get to see this cute side of his for one last time.
"I admit you are hot when you curse." I said and he blushed straight away, "You just make me mad. How can you kiss other guys with her face?" He said and I let go of him now, "Is not the first time already." He immediately looked back at me, "W-What?!"
"I went to pub a lot before I like you. Is common to make out with a guy in the pub, Fan ge. Don't assume I'm innocent just like jie." I rolled my eyes and he pursed his lips, "Just how many guys did you kissed?"
"Do you really want me to count? It had been years since I start going to the pub." I stated and he went speechless, "I'm sorry that I stole jie's first kiss. She thought she only kisses one guy and that's you," I said while giving him a stare, "But I'm still rational enough for not losing her virginity to someone else." I pointed out, "You are dead if you did." He grunted and glared.
"Can you stop glaring?" I whined; I don't like that eyes of his just like jie, she hated it too, "Ugh." He looked away while covering his eyes for awhile before putting his hand down, "Don't look at jie like that, she never like it. And she hates you doubting her the most." I said and he dropped his face.
"And please, stop checking her phone." He went shock, "How did you know?!"
"I know everything. I told that since the first day." I rolled my eyes again, "Jie knows it too but she never stops you. Why the hell are you checking her phone?" I asked and he bite his lips a little, "I'm scare she's looking for some other guys."
"Tell me why would she when she only draw you whenever she's free." I cupped my hands on my waist while frowning, "I-I..." He swallowed a lump when I gave him a hard stare, "Okay, I'm afraid because I don't have many time to stay with her. You understand? I love her so much that I can't bear to have her looking for other guys who are better than me." He muttered in guilt, "I'm just scared I wasn't good enough for her when she never complain. I thought she would." I sighed, "Seriously, she will never look for other guys." I said and he pouted, "How would you know?"
"If she will, I wouldn't be here to tell you not to doubt her." I said.
"Don't do that anymore. She thought is her being pretty and have many admirers which cause you to check her phone." I honestly tell; I know what she's thinking all the time.
"I'll try." He mumbled.
"One thing before I sleep," I muttered as I stepped closer to him but he took a step back, "Seriously, why are you scare?" I hissed in annoyed.
"I'm not." I took a step forward but he step back again, "Then why are you avoiding me?" I hissed again, "I don't know what you are doing." He frowned.
"Can't you do one thing for me to jie?" I sighed; I mean; I know I shouldn't but...
"What is it? Just tell." I stand in front of him and he didn't move away anymore, "Can you bend down?" I requested and he stared at me weirdly, "Why?"
"I can't do it if you didn't." I whined and showed a puppy eyes.
He scrunched up his face as he bend down, which I smile, "No," He groaned when I hold his face, "I swear this is the first and last time that I will do this. I'm disappearing soon already. Just once, okay?" I whispered when I can't smile anymore; I really can't smile anymore.
I'm saying goodbye to him; and to jie as well. I can't even have the chance to say goodbye? I'm not asking for more now.
He said no more and sighed as I leaned closer to kiss his forehead while closing my eyes.
A lump formed in my throat when I did that; tears hitting the back of my eyes.
"J-Jie wanted to do this to you but she never dare to." I muttered while breathing in, trying to calm myself.
I kissed the tip of his nose next and he scrunched it up after I pull away, "Why?"
He flinched a bit when I kissed his lips and lingered for awhile.
This is the last time I can kiss him; I know this is the last time already. I won't be able to do it anymore. Not anymore.
"Because you make her feel so secure when you did that same."
I muttered after pulling away, "And she wanted you to feel the same."
I wiped my face when tears rolled down my cheeks once I open my eyes, "Y-You..." He wasn't able to continue and I just went to his bed, laying down as I close my eyes again.
And the next time I appear in front of jie again; is the last time I was able to talk to her when she found the real Jing Hui who has the same look as me.
It took me so long to take over her again and tell everything to Fan ge.
"Fan ge," I called when he was looking at me with the necklace I bought long time ago for jie in his hand; I want him to give that to her, "Hmm?" He hummed a tone and bend down beside me on the sofa.
"I love you. Just like jie." I whispered and he grinned a little, "I know." He touched my face before kissing my forehead, "Bye, Jing Hui." I closed my eyes, smiling.
For the first time; I feel secure and loved.
Which was my last time as well.
If;
If it is possible for me to be a human, for real,
I would take that chance without thinking twice. I would accept that offer no matter what it takes.
Because you never know the feeling of not being a human when you think you are.
You never know;
Being loved for once in your life; is very important.
Jie never feel loved ever since she became an orphan. Same goes to me.
My situation was nothing different from her but she was lucky that she found Fan ge; she found him and fall in love with him. And I loved the same person.
But I'm willing to give that chance to her; she is indeed the real person who exist in the planet call earth compare to me.
I'm willing to give up at the end; after witnessing how much Fan ge love her.
Love can never be measure; I know that but I can feel it. I feel it by looking at Fan ge's eyes.
There's no lust but love. There's no such thing at all between him and jie. Is only love; love alone.
"Jing H-Hui,"
Again; I know I wouldn't fail to see her crying before I left as I smiled, pulling her into my arms.
"Take care of Fan ge, okay?" I said while rubbing her back, "D-Don't go." She whined while crying and I pulled away and wiped her face, "You know I need to disappear so you can heal totally, jie. Let me go, okay?" I muttered softly.
"I love you, jie. Always remember that. I may not exist but I know you never hated my existence and I'm very grateful that you didn't when everyone keep telling me to disappear." I said while kissing her forehead now, "You still have Fan ge after I'm gone. Don't worry, hmm?" I smiled again when she look at me with teary eyes, "Find that real Jing Hui and make him your brother. So you wouldn't imagine another me." I stated and let go of her face now.
"I'm sorry, J-Jing Hui." She sobbed lightly when I board the bus as I waved at her.
We just happen to appear at the bus stop; I never know why these scenes appear. It never has a reason to it and is Jie who created it instead of me.
"Bye, jie."
I whispered when she witness the bus driving off to the road and she became smaller and smaller in my eyes.
If you said Fan ge's love was deep for jie;
I think mine is deeper because I choose to vanish and wish them happy.
Loving someone; it never has a reason and me,
Was willing to sacrifice my own existence just to taste it once; and for all.