A/N: I just want to give a big thank you to everyone who has commented and voted on the last couple of chapters, you're all babes! ♥️♥️ ♥️ They have gotten so much attention and I love how all excited you are with this story and what is yet to come! It makes me so happy and motivated, and sorry for the lil delay I have been sick with tonsillitis again but its mostly cleared up now.
I'm going to be speeding up Josh's pregnancy in the next few chapters just so we can get a move on with the story and get where we need to be for things to start happening. Enjoy xx
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Josh's POV
Today was a bad day. I was lying in Alex's bed awake but unmoving and I planned on staying like that for the rest of the gruesome day.
I've taken the break up between Oli and I extremely badly. I just couldn't seem to cope without him by my side. It's been two months since I last saw him and that's the longest I've been apart from him since we first met and his absence was killing me. I just wanted him back so much all the time and no matter how many days passed by I just couldn't let go and move on from him.
I missed everything about him. Even his bad temper when he didn't get his own way. I'll take a heated argument with him right now because at least I would be with him other than being alone and knowing I'll never see him again.
The only reminder I had of him except for carrying his child, was his red and black flannel shirt. I was wearing it the day he ended things between us and I haven't found the heart to part with it yet. I clung to that shirt like it was my safety blanket. I haven't taken it off since and although it didn't smell of him anymore and it desperately needed a wash, I couldn't bring myself to take it off.
Some days I would become way over emotional and hysterical that I thought I had turned mad. I'd beg Jack to give me any sort of information that he had on Oli. I knew he had tabs on Horizon, they were some sort of enemies after all and I knew it was a bad move not to know anything about your enemies. Jack was stubborn though and gave nothing away to me no matter how much I desperately begged him for answers.
Jack and Alex both said it was for the best if I didn't know anything about Oli or Horizon for that matter. They said I was only torturing myself for seeking information about them and I had to learn to move on without them. But that was much easier said than done. I know they were right and only looking out for me and the baby but all I wanted to know if Oli was okay. Was that too much to ask?
I knew that Jack and Alex weren't gonna give up any info on Oli but I couldn't help but think after all the time I spent with Horizon, that not a single one of them thought of reaching out to me. Didn't they care that I had suddenly vanished of the face of the earth? Okay, I knew that I weren't exactly close to all of them, especially Tom. Man, I bet he's more than happy that I'm out of the picture now and he's got his brothers attention all to himself again, just how he always wanted.
And then there was Jordan. I missed him a hell of a lot also and I thought he was different from the rest of them. We were friends, we were closer than friends in a way... He was there for me when no one else was, but yet, he hadn't contacted me since I left either. I even hoped that maybe he would have come looking for me and eventually bring me back to Horizon but I got nothing. He was a lot closer to Oli than I was after all, and I suppose he just chose to support Oli over me. I guess I couldn't really hate him for that, he chose his friend and I was simply a nobody.
Jordan was the only one apart from Jack and Alex who knew about my baby. He was adamant that I'd tell Oli about the pregnancy in the first place, but that chat in the hospital room went the complete opposite to what either of us was expecting. I wonder if Jordan ended up telling Oli himself about the pregnancy... I doubt it, he did promise not to say anything. But then there was always this uncertainty in my mind that he did tell Oli about it, but Oli still didn't care to come find me and fix it and become a caring loving father liked I hoped. He did say I was nothing to him after all, why would a baby change how he feels? It wouldn't. I was yet again torturing myself with all the "what if's" and what could've been and should've been. It was an endless cycle of dark upsetting thoughts going around in my mind constantly. It was exhausting but I couldn't stop myself from thinking it.
It didn't make the pain go away and it certainly didn't make anything okay. I was alone without the love or care of the father of my baby. It was always a constant reminder that I was a good for nothing and uncable of love.
Alex woke me up half an hour ago to get ready for work but I still hadn't moved. I was in no fit mind state to get out of this bed and communicate with human beings today.
"Josh, come on, I'm not letting you miss work again." Alex moans agitatedly when he sees me still in bed.
He walks over to the bed ready to drag me out of it but I glance up at him miserably. Without a word but tears stains clearly visible on my cheeks were enough for him to stop in his tracks and notice that I weren't okay. That's when I see his annoyed expression change to a softer sympathetic one and sighed before sitting down on the edge of the bed beside me.
I got like this often and he was used to it. My emotions were everywhere because of the break up and the hormones were exactly helping. I was miserably pretty much all the time. I had no reason to smile anymore, the light to my darkness went out long ago and I was ready to some come to it. I had nothing to be happy about. I wanted to close my eyes and never open them again. That's how bad things have got that I had slipped into a world of depression. I just didn't want to be here anymore.
"Hey, its okay." Alex soft voice soothes me.
He put his hand on my leg and rubbed it gently as a form of comfort and gave me a small smile.
I shake my head sadly and rolled over onto my back and rubbed the tears from my eyes with the back of my hands and wiped my runny nose. I was a sad broken mess and he shouldn't bother wasting his time on someone like me. I wasn't worth it. But he annoyingly never left my side.
"It will get better, I promise." He says making me choke on a sob.
I wished he would stop saying that. He had Jack and their perfect relationship he didn't know what it was like to lose the love of your life. He had no idea how I was feeling. I've lost everything. It wasn't going to get better and I was going to be sad and lonely forever and the hole in my chest was never going to heal or stop wanting a certain someone.
I placed my hand over the tiny bump I had recently developed and let out a big shaky breath as I looked down at it. It was still so surreal to me that I was carrying a baby. His baby. I don't think it would fully register until due date rolled around and my baby was sitting in my arms and depending on me for everything.
I was afraid that I wouldn't be good enough for them.I was never a good enough son, or a good enough friend. Not even a good enough boyfriend... what makes Alex so sure that I will be a good enough mum? I wasn't ready for this and I don't think I'll ever be. I've failed so many times before and I've tried so hard to better myself but I always find myself face down in the dirt in shattered pieces. I was absolutely terrified and even more so not having Oli by myself like I dreamt of.
I guess fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
"Getting out of bed will do you some good, promise." Alex encourages. "You know, because breathing in bacon and eggs all day and dealing with fat hungry customers will make you feel a hundred times better." He jokes and it actually made me feel a little better despite the low mood I was wallowing in.
"I won't force you to go to work today but you know that Lynn girl won't be very happy if you call in sick again... she's looking for any excuse to fire you, you know?" he says and I let out a heavy sigh in agreement.
I had gotten myself a job as a waiter in that little café around the corner from where I used to live with Max. Oli had taken me there once before and the sassy waitress blabbered on about how it was a bad idea getting involved with Syko... I should have listened to her from the start, and then maybe I wouldn't be in this mess.
She was skeptical about giving me a job at first, but I assured her that I no longer am involved with "Syko" or with any gang members what so ever that would jeopardise her precious café and eventually she gave me a job.
I haven't given off a good first impression though as I'm still in the morning sickness stage of my pregnancy and I would run off to the bathroom to throw up everytime I got a whiff of scrambled eggs. Lynn couldn't fire me over it though but it didn't stop her from being a total bitch to me everytime it happened though. And if I kept calling in sick for work then she will fire me which I couldn't afford to lose my job because I had a baby to save for.
"No, you're right. I need to go and smell the bacon." I mimicked him and earned a roll of the eyes from him.
I took in a deep breath in to calm myself and get over this empty feeling which was stopping me from getting out of bed.
"I'll run you a quick bath but I'm running late myself so I gotta go asap, but I'll pick you after work, okay?" Alex says getting up from the bed.
I nod and he bends down and kisses me on my temple before rushing to the bathroom to run me a bath before leaving for work.
~~
I was wiping down the table closest to the café window with my damp wash cloth making sure it was suitable for the next eating in customer. I was scrubbing the table more viciously than I needed to. I was trying to get out a coffee stain which had now left a faded ring mark on the table. It irritated me and I knew the only way I was going to get that out was by putting on gloves and using bleach. I don't know why I was bothering so much about it, I never did care much usually when someone spilled a drink and stained the table. Lately I find cleaning coffee stains and keeping myself busy around here was a good distraction these days.
My mind wasn't relentlessly focusing on the human being my heart was constantly longing for. Alex was right. Work was a good distraction to keep my mind off him. Running round taking orders, cleaning tables and dishing up plates of greasy food kept me busy to even think of a certain someone who didn't care I existed and didn't deserve my attention.
But there were also those times at work where I couldn't always escape from him. After the morning and lunch time rush the café was mostly quiet and gave my mind the excuse to go wondering no matter how much I tried to prevent it.
It was as if he died. He vanished from my life so quickly just like a blink of an eye. One minute he was there flashing me his knowing smirk and singing along to a Britney song and the next, he's waking up from a month coma and cutting me out of his life as if what we shared never existed. As if we never met. Maybe he planned that all along... to have his fun with me, mess me about by getting me involved in his personal life as if he cared and then, when he got bored of me he cut all ties.
That's what they all did and I should have known better. None were as bad as what he did to me though. I fell hard, got involved and did things I would never have seen myself doing before I met him. He was my heroine and I was addicted to him. I let him in far beyond my walls more than I have let any other guy in before and he took advantage of that. He had this 'I don't give a fuck attitude' about him and I guess I liked that and once I was hooked and he got what he wanted from me, he took a step back and it destroyed me.
The pain was a constant reminder that he was real...and little did he know and will never know of the life growing inside of me was another reminder to prove what we once shared did exist and it was real. Very real. And it saddens me greatly that my baby will never have a real daddy and will never have a chance of having two parents and experience having a proper family. That was all I wanted to give my baby and I know I couldn't.
I could feel my eyes welling up at the thought and before I got carried away and started balling my eyes out in front of customers, instead I huffed in frustration at the stupid stain mark and threw down my wash cloth in a sign of defeat. That was as good as it's gonna get for now. I piled up the dirty plates from the table ready to take them to the back to be washed up.
As I turned away from the table I glanced out of the window briefly as I past it and my attention subconsciously fell upon someone who was casually walking past.
The guy walking by the window caught my eye contact and then suddenly back tracked his steps and peered in the window at me. Our eyes locked through the glass for a few seconds and he smiled at me causing me to blush and glance around my surroundings to double check that it was actually me that he was staring at.
Feeling shy, I looked away from the good looking stranger quickly and continued to take the plates to the back to be cleaned. When I returned to the front the guy in the window had entered the café and started approaching the front counter where I was stood behind. I panicked and pretended that I was busy cleaning up behind the counter by shuffling things around. I kept my head down even though I could sense his presence standing in front of me and his eyes burning into me, I was just too shy to make the first move and say hello.
He cleared his throat making my eyes flicker up and finally notice his appearance.
"Uh, hi, can I help you?" I asked feeling my cheeks go all hot.
"You most certainly can." He smiles widely at me.
I don't know what it was about this guy but I'm suddenly feeling all hot and flustered just by being in his presence. My eyes going wondering and I slowly look him up and down his lean body.
From what I could see poking out from his short sleeves and collar of his shirt, it looked like he was covered in tattoos from head to toe. Any other person would most likely find him intimidating, but I found myself drawn to him. He reminded me of Oli, sort of... I quickly shook Oli from my thoughts as soon as he entered them. I didn't want to get upset thinking about him when I had a really hot guy standing in front of me right now.
This guy was tall, dark and very handsome. He had a tiny nose stud which glisten in the light and had a couple of facial tattoos to, but his eyes were what truly stole the show for me. They were this sparkling bright blue which had me subconsciously biting down on my bottom lip as I just gazed into the beautiful orbs completely captivated by them.
He clears his throat once again making me snap out of my embarrassing fantasying. My cheeks burn red because he's caught me checking him out and I quickly dart my eyes away from him feeling extremely embarrassed at my shameless staring. I blame the hormones for this outrageous behaviour.
"Well aren't you just a cute ray of sunshine." He grins in amusement which only made me blush more.
"Uh, what can I get you?" I ask finally finding the guts to look at him again.
"Would it be too forward to ask for your number?"
The overly forward question knocked me off guard and left me completely speechless. Who in the world asks someone for their number out straight like that? I've literally just met him.
"Uh...erm,"
He chuckles at my awkwardness as I struggle to find words to answer him. I was so out of the loop with the flirting game or even how to communicate like a normal human being in front of hot guys these days. I used to be a pro with chat up lines but that side just wasn't me anymore.
"It's alright, I thought it would be too forward of me to ask for your number and expect you to give it to me."
I smiled awkwardly at him as I still struggling to find my voice. Oh my god, this was so embarrassing, I just wanted to disappear but he was so damn hot I didn't want him to leave but at the same time I wanted him out of here already!
He tilted his head to the side slightly with that damn cute smile on his face still.
"I guess I'll just have to work for it then, are you working tomorrow morning?"
I nod timidly and his face brightens up in success.
He was so charming and making my heart melt with his not so subtle smiles. Boy, I was such a sucker for a beauty with a cute smile. That part of me still hasn't changed at all.
"That's settled then, see you tomorrow beautiful." He smirks before quickly turning on his heel and leaving the café.
"He thinks I'm beautiful?" I question out loud feeling confused but with a wide smile on my lips.
"Oh give over." Lynn huffs dramatically.
I jump not knowing she was standing behind me and watching our conversation the entire time. She could have saved me from embarrassing myself, geeze!
"He's clearly a fuckboy who most likely says that to everyone he wants to get in the pants of," she comments snappily.
I can't help but frown at her negativity about the random guy but I would be a fool not to know those signs by now.
"But a beautiful handsome fuckboy indeed." She adds, making me look at her to see that she's holding her wash cloth to her chest and looking all dreamily in the direction that he left.
I can't help but snigger at her silly lovesick actions of the stranger she just insulted. She was unbelievable sometimes.
She snaps out of her day dream quickly and scolds me.
"As if! You're depressed, alone and knocked up but still you somehow manage to have all these hot guys coming in after you, what the hell is your secret?" she demands, not sure if she intended to insult me or not but I took as one.
I furrow my brows together and turned my attention to the ground without answering her.
She was a natural beauty. She didn't have to wear ridiculous amounts of makeup to look pretty, she just naturally always did. She had an extremely bad attitude though, so I was certain the reason why she couldn't get a hot boyfriend was because of her sassy mouth.
"Whatever, I probably will never see him again." I shrug it off pretending not to be bothered by never seeing the mystery hot guy again.
"Didn't you hear him? He said he'll be in tomorrow for breakfast." She reminds me.
"So? That doesn't mean anything. Like you said, he's just a fuckboy who only wants to get in my pants and seeing that I didn't give him what he wanted straight away, there is no way he'll be here tomorrow for breakfast."
"Whatever you say, but if he shows up tomorrow your doing the dishes for the rest of the week." She sassed before walking off to take someone's order.
I shook my head at her and sighed at how ridiculous this all was. I flicker my eyes up and stared out the window and let my eyes linger after the guy. He was no longer in sight but I fell into a world of my own. He seemed genuine enough...
Would it be stupid to get my hopes up and want to see that guy again? Most definitely. Would he really show up again tomorrow morning like he said he would? Probably not. I've been fucked over so many times by guys in the past and I shouldn't even be thinking about getting romantically involved again, well, I'm not, its just some random guy who asked for my number, no big deal. I was getting way too ahead of myself now. I mean, just like Lynn so kindly pointed out, I'm pregnant and giving a random guy my number is totally out of the question. It's never gonna happen.
It's not like he'll stick around anyway even if the circumstances were different. The minute he finds out I'm knocked up by some other guy he will run for the hills. I should just save myself from all the trouble and heartache and just pretend that I never even met the guy.
I picked up some menu's and started laying them out on the empty tables around the café to busy myself. The whole time I didn't even notice I had a smile on my face until a regular customer said to me "It's nice to see you smiling for a change." And only then did I feel the smile falter. I was smiling, actually smiling for the first time in weeks. I almost forgotten what it felt like to smile and it was all down to that mystery stranger complimenting me.
I know I was out of my mind for thinking this but I really hope he keeps his word and comes in tomorrow morning for breakfast.
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Who has Josh smiling...?