Missing you is the worst feeling ever.
Date: 12 January 2017
Place: Los Angeles
___
I stiffened a little when I feel someone stroking my hair gently.
Fingers were brushing against my ear and I buried my face more on something that makes me feel warm and comfortable, taking in a fresh rain scent that soothes me.
It didn't take me long to feel a thumb brushing my cheeks lightly.
I whined when I feel him hugging me closer to him as he wrapped his arms around my waist, "H-Hmm," Gosh, I wanted to greet him morning but my throat felt too dry that I can't even mutter a word.
His chin was on top of my head, "Morning." He almost whisper and I cleared my throat a little before speaking, "You are so warm." I whined again.
He chuckles, "Am I?" I nodded lightly against his neck.
We are not in a hurry right? I feel like I could stay in his arms forever.
"Hui Xin," He muttered, "Hmm?" I hummed a tone.
It took him a moment to continue, "Who is Jing Hui?" I shoot my eyes open.
I pulled away from him a little to look at him, "You were dreaming last night." I look at him in dumbfounded, "And you were calling that name while crying."
Huh? I did???
"You don't remember?" I shook my head; I don't even know that I had a dream.
"You only stop crying when I hug you." He said while looking at me in curious, "But who is Jing Hui?" I furrowed my brows again.
"I don't know." He raised an eyebrow on me, "You don't?" I shake my head as a no.
I really don't.
I looked away from him when I remembered something.
Yi Lin, who are my friend in the orphanage used to tell me that I dream while crying too when we are still staying in the orphanage. She told me that I kept screaming that name.
But I really can't seem to have any memories about that person as you know I can't remember anything before the age of 8.
"Are you dating another guy other than me?" I almost got choked with his question, "No." I frowned and he obviously has doubt in his eyes.
"Or you were hurt by this guy before when you are in a relationship with him?" What? He thought I'm acting stupid by saying that I don't know him?
"No, I really don't know who Jing Hui is. It happened before when I'm still in the orphanage but I really can't remember." I stated and he pulled his arms from me now.
"Really? You are not hiding anything from me, right?" I shook my head while still frowning.
I don't like him doubting me for having another guy other than him.
I didn't even date anyone before and he is my first. I just didn't tell him.
I know anyone would have dated someone when they are in high school but I don't have that leisure time to do so because I need to work to raise myself.
I worked until midnight just you know so impossible that I have time for a guy.
I don't even have time to study already.
"You don't trust me?" I questioned after I explain it to him and he took in a breath, "Just," He paused and said nothing after that.
I bite my lips in disappointment; he really doesn't trust me when he chooses to lay flat on his back and stare at the ceiling.
I flipped the blanket away from me and got down from the bed, going to the room next door.
He didn't even stop me.
Dang, isn't my explanation enough?
I'm always telling the truth; I never lie to him.
I met the doctor before and they say I have memory loss about what happened before the age of 8. Particularly the fire accident that cause me to become an orphan.
They say is me who choose to forget everything. People would always prefer to remember only happy memories instead of bad memories.
And me, the little girl who are only 8 years old eventually want to grow up with only happy memories.
I can't even remember my parent's face. Even their names also look so unfamiliar to me when the lawyer told me.
No one knows if I have other siblings actually. I asked Miss Chew once and she said she doesn't know either.
I shook my head when my heart felt heavy at the fact that Kris doesn't trust me.
Fudge him. Why he doesn't trust me? I know I have many people liking me in the university but never once I look at them.
I don't even consider them as my friend.
I was sitting on the bed while hugging my knees after getting a shower to freshen up myself when I heard the door clicking but it didn't open.
I was waiting, but then I heard nothing anymore.
I went to the window and pulled the curtain to see when I actually heard the front door closing and soon I saw his red sport car left the car porch.
Okay, he's leaving without me.
I get that he's upset; probably, but I swear that I have no other guys except him.
I only have Kris Wu Yi Fan. Only him.
I went downstairs to get a glass of water to drink before carrying Lola with me back to upstairs.
I locked the door and just sit on the bed, doing nothing. Lola slept on my lap.
How am I going to pass the day in this empty house?
Watching the TV is never in my list; I can't understand anything.
Playing with my phone? I would only see comments about me everywhere.
I let out a deep breath while dropping my shoulder.
I prefer to stay in this room too since I locked the door. I'm just afraid that someone uninvited would come.
I put Lola down on the bed and went to where I put my luggage, trying to look for pencil and paper. I remember I brought it.
I smile when I found my sketch book and pencil case.
Yes! I have something to do now. I can at least draw!
But I was staring at the empty page while pouting when Kris's face popped up in my mind.
Seriously, can I stop thinking about him?
Why are you rotting for him so much Huang Hui Xin?
I hit my head lightly before sighing; you fall for him yourself. What are you expecting? Obviously you will only think about him since he's your boyfriend.
I flipped through my book after that, pages by pages as I see what I have drawn so far.
Yes, is all Kris's portrait actually.
I mean, I don't know. I just feel like drawing him when he started to contact me. Sometimes I would draw a picture of him that fans took when he is at the airport.
Sometimes is a picture of him on the magazine.
Sometimes is how he looks at me when we go out. I draw based on my memory.
I eventually start drawing as I cursed at myself while biting my nails.
His eyes that looks doubtful just now;
I have the urge to draw it.
I don't like it but, I just want to.
I was too immersed in drawing that I didn't realize someone was shouting outside my door, not until I heard a loud bang and immediately jumped up from the chair as I accidentally threw my pencil away.
Dang! The drawing has a nice straight line across the eyes because of his shouting voice!
"Xin! Are you okay?! Why the door is lock?!"
Shit!
I panicked as I'm busy looking for my pencil and I heard the sound of the keys clinching with each other, "Shit, shit, shit," I keep muttering as I packed my things as fast as possible but I wasn't fast enough when I heard him twisting the doorknob.
At the end I just hugged my book to my chest and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door shut just in time he came in.
There's a moment of silence before he knocked on the bathroom door and I flinched unintentionally, "Xin? Are you in there?"
"Erm, yeah." I almost bite my tongue.
"Are you okay?" He softened his voice, "Y-Yeah, I'm just....having a stomach ache." Man, now I'm starting to lie to him so I can cover the fact that I'm drawing him a moment ago.
"Ugh, you scare me." He sighed, "Why did you lock the door?"
"I-I just don't feel safe alone so is better to lock the door." That wasn't a lie.
I can feel my heart pounded fast against my chest as I hugged my book tighter.
Aishh, I need to fix that drawing later.
"Are you done now? I bought breakfast for us. Come down and eat okay?" He said and something snapped at the back of my mind.
Right, I thought he left to the studio without me.
"Okay." I whined and waited until I heard the door outside slammed shut as I let out a breath.
Man, that was scary!
I did nothing wrong but the hell that I'm hiding from him aishh!
I thought everything is over as I clicked the door open but I was wrong when I actually saw him standing there while leaning his back against the door.
He was crossing his arms while staring at me.
My mind only said one thing: I'm screwed!
"You are trying to hide something from me aren't you?" His voice is a bit stern now that makes my hold tightened on my book; aish I don't want him to know that I drew him!
"N-No." I look away from him.
"You are sputtering." He slowly walked to me, "What are you doing just now?" His tall frame eventually tower over my small frame as I bite my lips in nervous.
Not to mention that his intimidating stare makes me feel so uncomfortable.
My eyes stings when I feel unfair.
I did nothing wrong but he stares at me as if I had committed the biggest sin in this world.
"What's in that book?" I just shook my head at his question while staring down at my feet.
"No," I dodge away when he try to take my sketch book, "What are you hiding from me!" He hissed in frustration and I just silently cry while never letting go of my book, "Nothing."
"Nothing?" He snorted in disbelief, "First you said you don't know who Jing Hui is but you called his name when you are dreaming. And now you tell me there's nothing in the book when it is obvious that you have something in it? You do have other guy aren't you, Hui Xin?"
I look at him in disbelief when he said that.
Fvck it! He doubted me in the worst way possible!
"I lost my memory! How am I supposed to tell you who is he?! I don't even know that I dreamt!" I retorted and he pulled his hair in frustration, "But you can call out his name!"
"I know but I really don't know who he is! The doctor said it could be part of my memory that I lost during the fire accident! Why wouldn't you believe me?!" I shouted back at him and my tears wouldn't stop streaming down my face.
"And that book?!" He shouted too and I really got mad that I throw my book at him now, "I can't believe that you doubt me when I'm just drawing you!"
It hit his face as he groaned in pain and I just went in to the bathroom again, slamming the door shut with force.
I slumped myself down on the floor and cry out loud.
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!!
"SHITT AHHH----" I heard him groaning outside as I just hugged my knees while crying, "Xin," He knocked on the door furiously when he found out that I locked the door, "Hui Xin, I'm sorry!"
I just covered my ears and refused to answer anything.
"Xin, really, I'm sorry! I'm the most idiot person who doesn't trust you! Please come out!" He never stops knocking on the door, "Go away!" I shouted through my sob; it really hurts me to know that he doesn't trust me when I never lied to him!
"Hui Xin,"
"GO AWAY!" I couldn't help but screamed, releasing my anger, "I don't need someone who doesn't trust me!" I continue on and he groans, "I know you are mad at me and is my fault to doubt you like that but please! Come out first okay? You can hit me or anything but just don't lock yourself inside there!" He exclaimed and I covered my face on my folded arms that are on top of my knees, "Hui Xin, please." He begged.
I don't care; I'm not coming out if he's still out there!
"Xin," He knocked again after 5 minutes of silence, "Hui Xin," And again.
I lifted my head up to get some air as I stiffened a little.
I clumsily wiped my face on my sleeve but my tears just flow like the water fall, "Please come out." He sound desperate and I just don't want to answer him.
He deserves it; I ain't going to talk to him now!
I was staring at the white marble wall here when I heard the door opening and closing outside, "Hui Xin, come out."
I just blinked my tears away from my eyes and make no move.
My heart never stops clenching and I hate that feeling.
I hate him more for making me feeling that way.
"You haven't eaten anything yet. Come out okay? I will leave." I still make no response.
I heard a few shuffling sound before the silence lingered in the air and it suffocates me a little but I would care less.
I start to feel sore on my back as I don't know how long time had passed.
"Xin, I'm really s-sorry." I heard his voice cracking but my heart is breaking even more.
I hate it a lot when people don't trust me.
I hate it when no one would believe that I'm not a child that got abandoned.
I hate it when people doubted what I said.
I know my story sounds a lot like a drama but that's a 100% truth.
I can swear to god that from the start when I'm with him up until now, I never tell a lie to him.
I meant it when sometimes he asks me if he is the most handsome guy in this world in a joking way and I said yes.
I meant it when he asks me if I would break up with him because I can't stand his fans anymore and I said no.
I meant it when he asks me if I would fall for other guys who are more handsome than him or treats me better than him and I said no.
Because it is true that I hate him;
And like him the most as well.
It is true that I always try to get him out of my mind;
And I couldn't.
"X-Xin, come out okay? I will leave if you don't want to see me. I just want you to eat." I used the back of my hand to wipe my face, "Xin, p-please. You are in there for 2 hours now."
He stated as I release my hold on my knees, leaning my back on the cold wall.
I hugged myself as I shivered a little at the coldness.
But it can never be compared to how cold I felt when he stares at me with his doubtful eyes.
I stared at the window; until the whole bathroom turn from bright to yellowish, "Hui Xin," He knocked, "Hui Xin, would you come out? Is already dinner time."
No wonder it looks yellowish now mixing with orange; the sun is setting outside.
"Hui Xin, I beg you. Please come out. I rather that you beat me up instead of locking yourself up and ignore me." I took in a shaky breath before speaking, "I don't want to see y-you." My eyes still stings despite that I had cried for few hours.
"Okay, I will leave. But you must come out and eat okay? I will leave the food on the table." I answered nothing but I heard the door closing again for the nth times in a day.
My knees wobbled when I stand up as I support myself against the wall.
I got to the sink and washed my face.
Luckily my towel is in here as I wiped my face, feeling how puffy my eyes are.
I cracked the door open, leaving a chink as I pecked out.
I'm trying to make sure that he did leave.
I only pulled the door open when I didn't see him; he really did left.
The food on the table;
There are pizzas, chicken wings, ginger bread and all but I don't have any appetite.
I just took a few bite of the ginger bread before putting it back in the bowl and I saw my book next to the food.
I really hate myself when I start crying again as I flipped through my book for the second time in a day, reaching at the page where I stop.
I wiped my tears away swiftly before looking for my pencil and I found it under the table as I picked it up, finishing the drawing.
I signed at the bottom of the drawing and wrote the date today.
My pencil stops there for a moment before I moved lower down at the empty space and wrote a sentence.
[He, who doesn't trust me.]
I bite my lips and dropped my pencil down on the table.
I just left the page open and head towards the bed, curling myself up under the blanket.
The sky turned dark now and I try to sleep so I can forget our argument today but I couldn't.
I can't sleep. I freaking can't.
My eyes are closing but I just couldn't.
It really torture me, it did.
I squeezed my eyes tight when I heard him coming in to the room.
I felt his presence next to my bed and I dodged away from his touch when he try to touch my face, "Xin," He whispered in a really soft tone that I know he feels guilty now, "I'm really sorry." I just pulled the blanket over my head without opening my eyes.
"What should I do so you can forgive me?" He asked, sounding in pain.
I opened my eyes under the blanket, "I know I'm stupid for not trusting you. You never lied but how can I doubt you?"
Yeah, how can you huh Wu Yi Fan? How can you?
"I'm really....I'm the most idiot person in this world." He said himself.
"Can you please forgive me?" My tears rushed out from my eyes as my heart clenched in an awful way, "If you are still mad at me, please just shout at me. Or hit me. Even beat me up with judo. I know I'm wrong."
"But don't ignore me like t-this. Don't say nothing." His voice sound raspy now, "I need you to at least scold me for what I did wrong. If you don't, it means I'm not even worth for your attention anymore."
I finally pulled the blanket away a little, showing my teary eyes as I saw him looking at me already, "Xin," He exhaled in relief for awhile, "I'm sorry."
He held out a hand to wipe my tears and this time I let him, "I'm so s-sorry." He cupped my face when I pulled the blanket away from my face totally.
"Why wouldn't y-you trust me?" I whined and he quickly slid under the blanket to hug me, "I was stupid, I trust you now." I cried onto his chest, "Please forgive me. Please don't break up with me." He hugged me tight, as if I would disappear the next moment, "Please don't." He said beside my ears.
I buried my face on the crook of his neck, "Do you know how much I hate you?" I said and he secured me in his arms, "I know, I know,"
"I deserve it." I feel him kissing the top of my head, "As long as you don't leave me, you can just beat me up if you are still mad. I won't say anything." I wouldn't even have the heart to do so. I can never beat him even if I really mad at him.
"Does it still hurt?" I pulled away to look at his face when I remember that I threw my book at him out of anger and his face actually got a little bruise, "No," But he winced in pain when I touch it, "Xin," I just get down from the bed and look for a plaster in my purse since I always keep one with me just in case I need it.
He looked at me in guilty when I apply the plaster on his bruise, "Why can't you just scold me?" He grabbed my hand before I pull away, "I don't have the heart to scold you." I honestly tell.
He pulled me to sit down before wrapping his arms around my shoulder, "I must be stupid to even doubt you. I'm so dumb."
"You are." I said.
He is.
"I'm-"
"Sorry; I know." I just cut him off.
He pouted while pulling away from me, "I---"
"Idiot; I know." He pouted even more.
I stare at him and soon I lifted my fist up as he immediately close his eyes, tight.
He is expecting me to hit him.
But he didn't know I was just acting as I leaned forward to kiss his lips lightly, "Doubt me again and I would really call my brother to beat you up, I'm telling you first."
Sorry, I can't help! His lips are too puffy just now oops.
He looked at me in shock when I pulled away.
I tugged my lips into my mouth to hide my smile as I got under the blanket again, "Ah." I don't know what is he doing but he groaned in pain.
"Do you not believe yourself now?" I couldn't hold back my laugh when I actually saw him pinching himself on his cheeks, "Did you just kiss me?" He exclaimed in a high tone and I laughed again, "I did." I gave him a peck again.
"So you forgive me now?" I saw him grinning.
"I can say no anytime." He immediately panicked, "Eh, yes means yes. There won't be any no." He whined.
"No," I scrunched up my face, "You are still getting a no from me if you doubt me again. I swear that my brother will send you to hell." I pouted while threatening.
He lay down beside me, "You only are enough to send me to hell. Thank god you didn't." Gezz, that sounds irritating to me.
He muttered and I hissed while pushing him away when he tends to hug me, "You are indirectly saying that I should really give you a beating before forgiving you!" Maybe my decision to forgive him this early is wrong!
"NO, I NEVER SAY SO." He immediately exclaimed loudly, "No, No, No." He shook his head as if I'm wrong, "No, baobei, no." BAOBEI?!
"I never let you call me baobei!" I groaned, "Yes, you did!" He giggled now, "I'm sorry; I'm going to treat you like my baobei now."
F.U.D.G.E!
I groaned again when he pulled me closer and never let go anymore, "I'm really sorry, baobei." I can feel my face flushing; it's so weird to hear him calling me baobei!
"Can you just call me Xin like you used to?" I stated and I can feel him pressing his lips on my forehead, "Baobei Xin."
...............dang!
"Or baobei Hui Xin it is." Man, I'm speechless.
We went quiet after that while having me closing my eyes as I breathe in his scent, "Overall, I'm really sorry for today Hui Xin." He murmurs lightly, "I'm sorry for being sensitive." Is way too sensitive okay?
"But your drawing is nice," I immediately shoot my eyes open and punched him on his stomach as he oofed, "Don't you dare mention about my drawing." I don't get why did he even doubted me just because I draw him!
"You punch me." He whined when I glared at him, "You prefer slap is it?" I hissed in annoyed, "I really hate you to guts when I'm just drawing you and you thought I have other guy!" I hit his chest and he winced, "That's why I'm the biggest idiot in the world! I admit it." He pointed out and grabbed my hand, "But really, your drawing is so nice." He then showed a boyish smile to me, "And you already like me right? Before I confess?" I groaned while feeling embarrassed as I just hide my face at the crook of his neck, "Just shut up." He laughed.
Fudge him!
"I will never doubt you again, Xin." He muttered after that while sighing a little.
"You better keep your promise." I muttered.
"I swear." He said and I finally sighed while relaxing myself.
My body feel really sore for sitting on the floor in the bathroom for the whole day.
I fall asleep soon since crying could make me feel very tired as well.
I squirmed uncomfortably when I saw some scenes flashing in front of my eyes.
It was weird;
Tonight is the first time that I know what I'm dreaming about.
"No! The kids will follow me!" I feel myself wincing when I look through the chink of the wardrobe.
"Jie jie, why daddy is shouting at mommy?" A little boy who was beside me actually whisper, "I don't know."
I noticed that I couldn't see his face no matter how hard I tried.
"Jie jie, the smoke is so smelly." He said again when the guy outside actually start smoking while massaging his temples as they try to calm down, "Cover your mouth like this." He covered his mouth like how that voice tells him.
Is that...actually me?
"But jie, is too hot here. Can we go out?"
"No, wait first." I heard a girl's voice replying.
They flinched when both women and man start shouting at each other furiously, "Jie, I'm scared." He curled up in fear while covering his ears now.
"I DON'T CARE! YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM! THEY ARE MY CHILDREN!"
"THEY ARE MY CHILDREN TOO!"
"BUT I'M THE ONE WHO GAVE BIRTH TO THEM!" That woman screamed at that guy, "Don't you dare touch them!" She exclaimed in a stern tone and that guy went furious, "Fvck!" He threw the cigarette bud on the floor but it actually fall on the curtain.
"At least one of them follows me! Hui Xin can follow you!" He shouted and they didn't notice that the curtain start burning at the edge because of the cigarette bud, "Jie!" He shook my arm furiously, "Fire!"
"Shhh!" I cover his mouth in attempt to make him stay quiet and he pushed my hand away, "Jie!"
"Shh! Later daddy scolds!" I know they should leave immediately but they still stay in there.
"What the—" The fire had almost burn half of the curtain only they notice that there a fire, "HOW MANY TIMES DID I TELL YOU NOT TO SMOKE IN THE ROOM!" They quickly called for help but the fire spread too fast that it starts burning other things in the room as they quickly went into the bathroom to get water now, "Jie! Let's go out now!" He pulled me with him but we notice that we can't open the wardrobe door, "Jie jie!" We tried pushing the door together but to no avail.
I can feel fear growing in my heart as he starts crying, "What should we do jie?! The door can't open!" I don't know if us who are too little to the strength to open the door or what but I try again and I start crying too when I can't.
"Mommy!!" We screamed together while banging on the door but they are too busy putting off the fire out there, "Daddy!" We just screamed and screamed as we kept pushing the door.
"Mommy don't go!!!" He screamed again as we panicked when they quickly left the room because they couldn't put off the fire.
"Jie!!" He started coughing and same goes to me when the smoke starts choking us.
"Push this!" I shouted back and we try to push the door again.
We are finally out when we try for the nth times but it's too late; the fire is almost everywhere.
"Hui Xin! Jing Hui!" We heard many people calling our names and I hold his hand in mine tightly, "Jie jie how can we go out now?!" His voice was shaky and I know mine wouldn't be any different, "I don't know!!"
"Hui Xin! Jing Hui!" We cry out loud when we saw people running pass outside from the window but we were surrounded by the fire, "Mommy!!" We both screamed together while coughing furiously.
My head start to spin and feel hard to breath, "Hui Xin! Jing Hui!" The door got banged open and we saw our parents.
I dropped down on the floor when I feel my knees weaken, "Jie!" He tried to pull me up, "Wait there! We are coming to get you!" There is a fire fighter too as he came in and I feel him carrying me out, "My son!" That guy shouted too, "Jing Hui!"
I started screaming when I saw the ceiling falling.
I screamed even more when I saw both of parents ran into the fire to save him.
"JING HUI! MOMMY! DADDY!" The ceiling fall exactly on them and all I could see is fire, only fire and nothing else.
"NO!!!" I screamed while struggling, "Save them!" I kept screaming and screaming, not until I feel someone shaking me, "Xin! Wake up! XIN!"
I shoot my eyes open and darkness greeted me as I took in a lung full of air.
"Are you okay?!" Kris held my face as he looked into my eyes and I start sobbing.
My head; it hurts so bad.
I groaned in pain while still crying, "I-It hurts," I hugged my head; it hurt so much that I feel like having a knife stabbing me, "I-I'll bring you to the hospital!" He panicked as he quickly carrying me in his arms and ran downstairs to his car, "Hold on okay?!" He said while starting the engine when I winced and shut my eyes tight.
Too many things flashing in my mind now; too much of it that I can't take it.
"U-Ughh," I squirmed on the seat, "Hold on!" He grabbed one of my hands and I hold it tightly.
He almost went beyond the maximum speed but I can't care much about it.
I just want to stop the pain, I badly want it to stop that I almost want to bang my head on something to make it stop now.
"Why it hurt so much!" I shouted while grabbing my hair and I saw so many unfamiliar faces flashing in front of my eyes.
Their smiley face, their crying face.
How shock they look and how worried they are.
All kinds of expression, it just showed in front of my eyes without any warming.
My chest goes up and down rapidly and I bite my lips so hard to hold the pain, until I'm able to can taste my own blood.
"DOCTOR!" He rushed in to the emergency room with me in his arms and I balled my fist on his shirt actually, "Put her down here!" There are nurses coming as they pulled a bed and he put me down, "Hui Xin," He sounded very worried that he hold my hand and I heard many footsteps as my nails were almost digging into the scalp of my head.
Why wouldn't the pain stop!
"Sir, you will need to wait outside!" I heard them saying in English as someone pulled my hand away from my head.
I groaned in pain as my toes curled, "Miss!"
My eyelid was being pulled open as there's a light flashing and I unintentionally shut my eyes tight.
"We need to inject her." It didn't take long for me to feel them grabbing the whole of my arm and soon I feel a pinch on my left arm.
I feel myself loosing conscious.