It hurts; because it matters.
Date: 25 November 2016
Place: China.
___
"What are you smiling for?"
I got startled when a voice spoke up beside my ears as he leaned forward to peck at my phone and I quickly cover my phone screen on the table.
He gave me an odd look, "Why are you hiding it? Something that I shouldn't know?" Yong Wei said and I swallowed a lump nervously, "E-Erm, not really."
"Then?" He shoots me a confused look, "Just, nothing important." I looked away; dude, his stare is too intimidating!
Plus, I can't be telling him that I'm talking to Kris!
"You are weird." He raised an eyebrow on me now, eyes looking back and forth from my face to my phone that was on the table.
"Are you watching porn?" He suddenly sits closer to me as he whispered and I almost vomit blood, "Gosh! I'm not!" I immediately denied and he gave me this smug look that makes me badly want to slap him, "Hey, I get that girls have that kind of needs too. Same for guys." He shrugs after that, "The fvck that I need it." I almost roll my eyes up to where Jesus is staying now.
"But then though," He scratched his chin lightly and pressed his eyes in a thin line while giving me a judging look, "By looking at how you smile, I think you are talking to a guy. You got one of those flower boys as your boyfriend now?" I immediately pushed his face away in annoyed when he examined my face closely and he oofed, "I told you----"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you would rather pick Kris. That's what you want to say right?" He rolled his eyes now and same goes to me, "It is-------" My hand then flew to my mouth as I bite my lips under my hand; shoot! I almost tell him it is Kris that I'm talking to!
"It is what?" He gave me a meh face, "Nothing." I shook my head.
Shoot, luckily I'm fast enough to stop my stupid mouth.
"You are really weird!" He frowns now as he almost wants to grab my phone on the table and I snatched it before he did while hiding it behind my back, "Be honest," He pointed out a finger at me now, "You got a boyfriend, right?" I shake my head furiously, "Then?" He growls.
"Is just a close friend that I'm talking to." I stated; I get it that he is just worried for me.
I told you before didn't I? He acts like a brother to me since he knew I was alone since young.
Like; I didn't really tell him about everything but he knew I'm an orphan.
So he tends to take care of me since then.
"Guy?" I honestly nodded, "Who?" I was about to say something but his phone rang and that eventually saved my life because I don't really know what to say either, "Answer it. It could be a call from your darling." I shrug and he pursed his lips and pulled out his phone now, "Baby?"
Man, I was right! Yolo~ Thanks to his girlfriend!
I grinned and wink when he shoot me a stare, "Go." I waved him a bye when he stepped out of the class to talk to her.
"What are you doing now? Having class?" I listened to an audio from Kris through my earphones and replied him in message form, 'Yes.'
Actually, with me replying his message every day;
I'm still trying to figure out what is our relationship.
Sometimes is like; he even talks sweet to me.
'What time will you be finishing work? Midnight?' I send another message when he didn't reply anything, "Around that. I feel so sleepy now." I heard him sighing from the audio I received.
"Get some sleep whenever you can then." I replied with an audio now, "I'm in the studio."
"Rap of China?"
"Nope, recording studio." I furrowed my brows on that.
"I'm preparing for my new album." Ah.
My mouth opens in awe, "Is it in English again?" I asked; the few songs that he released are in English, except for [6], "Nah, Chinese." He chuckles and I smile unintentionally.
I like him singing Chinese more actually, "What's the song title?" I asked; knowing that I actually should not but I cannot help, "Shhh.... Is a secret, Xin." He acted in a mystery voice and I chuckled, "I'm curious."
"Hmm...what time are you finishing your class?" He asks and I quickly checked my timetable, "In one more hour." Today we only have half of day class.
"I'll send you the address, you can come if you want." It didn't take me long to get an address, "I can?"
"Why not?" I can even imagine him grinning by that tone of his gosh.
"So you will let me listen to it before it release?" He was laughing in the next audio I received, "Yes. I'm nice aren't I?" Duh, I giggled while replying, "Aren't you afraid that I will leak it out?" I said and it only took him seconds to reply, "Then I might need to kidnap you to prevent that from happening, Xin." He said, "But I trust you." That's the second audio after the first one.
I suddenly felt a thud in my heart; he trusts me?
"Xin?" I was just staring at my phone.
I keep my phone away after that when the lecturer came in and the lesson starts in no time.
None of the lecture actually went in to my head.
I was just thinking about what Kris said.
Did we get that close which he can trust me so much? Even letting me listen to his new song that had yet to be release?
I mean, this is a big thing. To him of course.
I was pecking from the glass door as my nails are scratching the plastic bag in my hand.
Yes, I came to the studio and even brought some food.
I don't know if he gets to eat since it seems like he never leave the studio.
Kris was in there; I can hear the music from outside and he was like, walking back and forth with his phone in his hand.
I looked down when my phone in my hand vibrated.
'Finish class?'
I looked up again and saw his fingers were on the screen, typing.
A buzz against my hand and I look again, 'Remember to eat.'
Why is he treating me so nice? Seriously?
Gosh, am I really asking myself when I knew the answer since the start?
I was biting my lips;
Should I let this continue or stop before anything starts between us?
Oh, no.
It started from the moment I decided to reply to his messages isn't it?
I heaved a sigh.
But it didn't take me long to plaster on a smile on my face when a message came in, 'Drive safe okay? You don't need to come here, I was just joking. You should go back and rest.'
I shook my head lightly and slid my phone back into my bag before clicking the door open.
I guess the music was too loud and the people inside didn't notice that I came in, including Kris as he still stare at his phone while furrowing his brows, "I guess the food would be wasted if I didn't came!" I popped my head in front of him as I shouted lightly so he could hear and he got startled that he almost drops his phone.
I laughed when he stared at me with his wide eyes, "Gosh, Jesus." He mumbled and obviously I can't hear him as he told the people around to lower down the volume, "I thought I say I'm joking?"
I puffed out my bottom lips while showing the food in my hand to him, "You don't sound like you are joking when you send me the address without asking if I want to come." I said, causing his face to redden in embarrassed.
There was a silence before I burst into laughter when I heard his stomach growling and he covered his stomach with his arms while muttering a curse, "Eat bah." I just stuffed the food into his hand and look around; I guess he wouldn't mind.
"What is this?" I asked the person sitting in front of a computer and below it there are many...switches? I don't know what is it called.
It can be push up and down.
He was kind to explain to me what is it before he ask me who am I.
"Ask him." I just pointed at Kris and walk away while smiling.
This studio is quite small but they have whatever they need in there, "It's nice." I muttered while standing beside a guy who are like, toning the tone of the current rhythm that he's working on.
The beat and all, is easy to remember.
"I know right?" He was just excited while adjusting the tone on his computer but he soon realize that I'm the one talking to him, "Eh? Who are you?" I just shrugged and smile.
"What's the song name?" I asked and he was looking behind us at Kris who are sitting at the couch while eating, "Is it okay to tell her?" Kris nodded without looking.
He is hungry huh. Why didn't he eat haizzz.
"Everything."
"Everything?" I questioned back in doubt when he told me the name.
Why Kris always have a weird name for his song?
"He wanted to call it Galaxy at first." He laughed when I look at him in disbelief, "Weird right?" I honestly nodded.
"But is understandable since he likes someone." He shrugged now while saying and my heart unintentionally pounded fast.
"You should see his lyrics." He snapped his fingers as if he just remembered something as he searched from a bunch of papers and eventually picked out one from it.
He gives it to me and I took it.
I always wonder the moment I got those letters
Oh yeah is the same handwriting
It is familiar to me yet it isn't
Who is she who is she
Reading it day and night for 100 days
Giving me warmth and strength
Giving me life and breath
Believe me it touches my heart despite its just a letter to say hi
She portray the life I once have
She portray the things I never experience
Its incredible and unique
I felt close , so so close
I craved to get closer
I wanted to stay close
My hands get sweaty when I started reading it.
My heart was pounding furiously;
My goosebumps was showing up on my back with no mercy.
Craving to know
Craving to feel
I wanted to go through the path that she once went through
I wanted to understand how beautiful life could be when it isn't
Taking away someone's happiness can be easy
But creating it was a total opposite
Yet she make it so easy
And it can be more simple than you thought it could
With a heart full of sincere
With a pair of eyes that glow in the dark
Her smile oh her smile
The brightest smile that I have seen in my life
The only smile that shines my sky
Everything is beautiful
Everything is special
I realize that she's going to be my everything
Oh fudge.
HE'S LITERALLY TALKING ABOUT ME.
God damn! He is talking about me!
I wasn't even surprise when the paper in my hand got snatches away in a split of second and I turned around, to find Kris having his face flushed furiously as he wasn't dare to look at me at all, "You shouldn't show her that, Kelvin."
He said in a stern tone but it doesn't sounds like that to me as I know he's masking his nervousness in front of me.
"She's curious." He raised both of his hands on the side of his head, "She's only curious about the name." He hissed at Kelvin and glanced at me, "Just tell her the name will do. Why did you show the lyrics?"
"Drop it. I already read it, Yi Fan." I hissed now and he looked at me but his eyes never stay longer than a minute as he cleared his throat while staring at something that I don't know.
I swear that I can never forget what he wrote.
"I-I..."
"I know." I just cut him off and he snapped his head back to me, "You did?" He knitted his brows.
I know you like me and I might like you as well.
"I'm going back." I don't know what to say anymore before walking towards the door, "Hui Xin," He grabbed my hand before I exit the room and I didn't look back at him, "E-Erm,"
"Just, drive safe." He gave my hand a squeeze before letting go and I simply nodded as I left the studio.
"Tell me,"
I placed the teddy bear in front of me as I poked its nose, "Why can't you just say you like me?" I pouted.
I was sitting on my bed after I took my shower and I was bored.
Nevertheless, I think about many things at the same time.
"Aishhh." I hit its head before hugging it to my chest.
"I think I'm liking you too." I muttered softly to myself as I can feel my heart beats fast when I remember the night where Kris kissed my forehead.
I buried my face on the teddy bear.
AHHHHHHHH!! SERIOUSLY HE IS KILLING ME!
I can't stop thinking about him all day long!
Fvck why does Kris have this effect on me?
He used to be a star that was too far for me to reach and now I can just touch him within the distance I'm able to reach.
I rolled on the bed and lay on my back; his face popped up in my mind.
UGHHH, I THINK I'M GOING CRAZY.
At the end I just screamed to let out my frustration before falling asleep.
As you know, sleep is the best way to stop yourself from thinking.
The next day, I woke up by someone ringing my doorbell like a mad dog.
You can't expect me to face you with a happy face the moment I open my door; even if that is Kris Wu Yi Fan standing there, "Seriously? 4am in the morning?"
I hissed and ruffled my hair in annoyed; I badly need sleep when he kept barking into my mind last night!
"Morning." He scratched his head and I dropped my hand down to my side when I notice that he have a luggage bag on the floor beside his legs, "Can you help me to take care of Lola?"
WHAT?
"Lola???" I gave him a confused face and he nodded while taking out a bunch of keys from his pocket, giving it to me, "My dog. But remember not to bring her to your house. She bites things when she's not familiar with the place. Just help me to feed her twice a day and bathe her once a week." I looked at the keys before looking back at him in disbelief.
He gave me his house keys?! And since when he have a dog?!
"Where are you going?" I asked now; he is all dressed up.
"Los Angeles." He gave me a faint smile.
"For how long?" We are staring at each other's eyes, "More than a month. I'm filming my music video there. I don't know how long it would take."
My heart sank to the bottom; means I can't see him for a long time?
His phone started ringing when he was about to tell me something as he took it out from his back pocket but he didn't answer.
He faced me again, "Just, take care of Lola for me when I'm not around okay?"
My heart literally exploded when he leaned closer and kissed my cheeks, "Bye." And why did it stings my heart when I heard him saying goodbye to me?
He held out a hand and caresses my face after pulling away, "Wait for me to come back." He barely whispers that out to me and I nodded lightly, almost feeling numb when the feeling of his lips on my skin wouldn't goes away.
God damnit! Tonight would sure be a sleepless night!
He left after that and I closed the door back.
Empty; I suddenly felt empty. Why?
I clenched my hand against my shirt.
I felt a little hard to breathe as I rubbed my chest.
This feeling felt so wrong yet so right.
I'm even confused with myself.
The days go on without Kris.
He barely sends me messages now as I assumed he is very busy in Los Angeles with his filming.
But he did make sure that he call me once a day, or sometimes two days once.
Since you know the time zone difference between China and Los Angeles is very huge.
I went to his house the following day after he left.
I almost thought he lied to me for having a dog because I couldn't seem to find Lola anywhere in the house as it was totally quiet the moment I step into his house.
But his house looks quite cosy and simple.
I curiously check his shoe rack when I saw it because dude, it is a huge rack placing in front of my eyes!
I raised an eyebrow as I took a pair of his shoes from the rack.
Oh wow;
There is an obvious teeth mark on the shoe, oops.
I placed it back and began my journey of searching for Lola.
"Lola?" I tried calling, I seriously don't know where is that dog.
I went to the bathroom and chuckle when I actually saw a dog with her ears perking out from her face while having a pair of eyes that full of tears looking at me.
Man, she looks like a puppy instead of a grown dog. She's like a chiwawwa.
She barked, sound like whimpering.
She's stuck in her own...toilet bowl??
Fudge! I mean I'm talking about the kind of toilet bowl that is for a dog!
Her state just make me want to laugh as I eventually saved her out from her toilet bowl and cleaned everything, including helping her to take a bath before bringing her out from the bathroom.
Hmm, taking care of a dog isn't that hard.
I thought it would because I never have a dog.
She seems nice as she laid her head on my lap when I sat down on the sofa.
I was expecting biting and all.
She must be very hungry as she whimpers again and I brought her to the kitchen, looking for dog food.
I scratched my head when I couldn't find where did Kris placed her dog food.
She was struggling to get out from my hold and I put her down; she went to a particular cabinet under the stove as she barked at it.
So I went over and open it, found her food.
I read the instruction on the bag, I don't really know how much she should eat.
But it didn't say.
"Hmm," I hummed while looking at her who is standing beside my feet as I carry her up and settle her down on the counter before looking for her bowl now.
I smile when I found a bowl that has her name on it, "Is it enough?" I poured out some on the bowl and she started eating immediately as I caress its fur.
Her fur is so soft and I like the colour.
Is a mix of brown and white that makes her looks so cute.
I poured a little more when she stuck out her tongue to me and showed a face that obviously says she's still hungry.
For the two whole weeks when Kris is not around, I eventually slept at his place because I feel bad for leaving Lola in the house alone.
He told before not to bring her to my house so my only choice is to stay here.
"Chee—" I was laughing when Lola sneezed as I was watching TV in Kris's house.
I don't know a dog can actually sneeze!
She sneezed many times that I think maybe the house start to get dusty?
So I turned off the TV and went to look for some cleaning tools.
Maybe it is though, since I didn't do any cleaning either and no one is staying here other than me during night only.
My nose feels a bit itchy too.
She was running around when I'm swiping the floor, "Lola," I hissed when she sneezed again once she's near me since the dust is flying everywhere and I carried her as I placed her down on the sofa, "Sit." And she listen.
If she sneezes again, I would really think that she's getting sick.
I start moping the whole house after swiping all the dust away as I open the sliding door to let some fresh air in.
I was hesitating a little when I stop in front of a room; I think that's Kris's bedroom.
I clicked the door open and found that it was dark.
I went and pulled the curtains open, revealing plenty of things on his table.
Is messy like hell, papers and pens scattering around as I sighed and start arranging it nicely.
"Hmm?" I let out a confused hum when I accidentally drop a book on the floor, creating a loud thud and Lola eventually came in while barking.
Oops, I think that loud thud scares her.
"Shh, it's okay." I patted her head before picking it up and a piece of paper actually slipped out from the book, falling on the ground.
I sighed and bend down to pick it up again.
But I widened my eyes when I saw what was written on that whole piece of paper as I open it up while dropping my jaws lightly.
I flipped it back and forth while looking at it.
HOLY SHIT.
Is Kris's handwriting.
And that piece of paper is filled with my name, only.