You got those scissors from the drawer
You never dug so deep before
If I stop trying, we start dying
You're cutting me out, baby who you fighting?
"Will you just talk to me Charlotte please, I want to help you." I sat on the other side of the door, hearing Dean lightly banging his head on the opposite side. "I'm here for you, stop pushing me away."
"I can't," I cried out, wishing he'd go away. I knew how much he wanted to help, but I didn't want it. I wanted to be alone, I couldn't do this with him, I needed to do it on my own.
"Charlotte, I'm here, please just don't block me out, think about me, think about us." I sighed, rolling my eyes, looking up at the dark ceiling of our bedroom.
"I need to fight this on my own, Dean, please understand." I could hear him sigh on the other side, his fist slamming on the table.
"Who are you fighting love? Just tell me all about it."
You make me wanna love, hate, cry, take, every part of you
You make me wanna scream, burn, touch, learn, every part of you.
"Just know that I love you, and I'm here for you. Don't push me away, don't hurt me in this way. I'm your boyfriend, I'm here to protect you, don't take this fight alone."
My heart was breaking before me, pushing aside all his frustration and anger, he loved me. He just cared for me, that was all. "Just don't go mad, don't be sad, I'm fine Dean, stop worrying, honestly, this is better off being fought alone." He grunted in anger, sniffing back tears. I could hear his breathing soften on the outside.
"Stop saying that, it isn't fair. I'm breaking here Charlotte, why do you drive me crazy in this way. I love you, but you send me mad, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I want to help you, it doesn't matter what it is."
"You can't help Dean, just give up for crying out loud. I don't need your help, no one wants your help, I just want you to learn that I can't deal with your protection." I shuffled back from the door, slowly standing up onto my feet, reaching forwards and wrapping my hand around the door handle.
I close my eyes, just close the door
You want a minute, I'll give you more
Maybe I don't want you either
We're both unsettled, night time creatures
Shadow preachers, night time creatures.
My eyelids slowly fluttered shut, unsure as to what to do. Open the door and feel him hold me? Or stay in the room alone and do it by myself?
"You know, just because you might not care about me or want to protect me I want to do it to you. Charlotte why can't you just wake up? I'm willing to wait forever, seconds, minutes, hours, I'll sit here for as long as it takes." I shook my head in disbelief, he just didn't get it. He could sit and he could wait, but so would I.
The night was slowly drawing in, and I knew I'd be in the room for a while. Just one step outside and Dean would attack me like a monster, clasping onto me, searching for answers.
The two of us would always do it, stay up late, chat and discuss, speak through problems, talk about our days, but this was way too big.
"I don't know what to do Charlotte, I just want to know where I stand. We can lay down, we can cuddle, whatever it is that you want I'll be there. Come on, don't do this, I don't want to see you hurting, we are a team, this is our fight." I never wanted to drag him into this, this was only ever for me to know about, for me to sit and think.
"Dean, I don't want you to sit outside the door all night, I'm never going to let you into this dangerous world. Go home and explore, be happy and be you for crying out loud, you won't get it, they won't let me tell you, this is for me to know, and that is the way it is always going to have to be."
You wanna break, you break alone
You wanna leave, you're on your own
You wanna break, you break alone
You wanna leave, you're on your own.
"You know what, fine, you do you Charlotte, but don't say I didn't try. I'm crazy about you, but if you want to push me away and put up those barriers we thought we'd broken down then that's fine, you fight this battle alone, I'm done."
"Whatever." I muttered. I heard him get up from the ground, kicking the wall in anger. I cringed hearing the echo vibrate from the wall, knowing what I'd just lost. "I'm sorry," I whispered, knowing full well he would never hear me now.
It was for the best, however much I didn't want to convince myself, it was. He didn't deserve to be opened up to my world, exposed to the shadows. He was pure, he was kind hearted, and he was way too good for me.
Maybe one day it might be different, but for now I was the caring one of us two, I had his best interests at heart, and one day he'd know why.