Harry's POV:
I'm afraid; scared out of my fucking mind to tell her everything. The silence is killing me and just the look on her face terrifies the life out of me. I have so much to tell her but I don't know where to begin. It goes from 'fucked up' to 'even more fucked up' all the way to 'she's goin to leave you forever because you're a disgusting monster.' But if she leaves me again I don't know what I would do. I can't function correctly without her, it's like I live for her. She's my oxygen and the pulse to my heart. Without her, I'm nothing; just flesh and bones.
"There was more to it..." I can't look into her eyes, I can already read them and the script isn't fine.
"More? Like, to what you did to her?" her sad eyes examine mine.
"No, I mean there's more to my life I haven't told you about. I'm afraid," I know myself, and I'm never this nervous around or for anyone or anything. I'm never afraid to speak my mind, I'm never hesitant, if anything I'll tell the person straight forward but with her, I feel like a scared child in trouble. She's my everything. I have to be careful, but I know it won't happen because taking all the bad details out would make the conversation 'careful.' Telling her everything from beginning to end with no "gaps or short cuts" just like she said, would be deadly.
"You know what," she stands and I know she want to avoid this, "don't tell me. It's fine, it's okay. Listen, I understand everything now. I thought about it all but you don't have to tell me. It's better if I don't know anything Harry, really." her words are spilling quickly from her mouth and I know she doesn't want to know because she's afraid of herself turning against me.
"Please," I implore gently pulling her back down. I'm not going to coward out. I finally have something good in my life and I refuse to let it slip away, again. She sits beside me nervously and unprepared, "and what will happen if I don't tell you? You'll find out from someone else and hate me for not doing it." she looks away knowing I'm right and takes a deep breath,"you don't have to talk, just listen."
The clock hits two thirty and the room becomes mute. I only hear my breathing and the sounds of demons laughing at my failures; laughing at me and mocking me. Their shadows surround me but I have to block them out. They've dragged me down way too many times for far too long, it has to come to an end.
"Okay," she caves, "tell me everything."
I take a deep breath and turn towards the love of my life, hoping those eyes don't shade with hatred towards me, "after um--after everything with Candice, we still fuck--had sex even behind his back. It went on for a while but I got sick of her. Bored, actually. Her personality just wasn't there. Her and Blake went through some things and they broke up and then everything happened with Mia." this part of the story I never told her and as I'm speaking, I'm debating whether or not to tell her the part that actually killed me, "she was sick one day and I took her to the doctors. She was always sick in the morning, always threw up and certain smells and foods disgusted her..." I force myself to look at her and I know she's beginning to understand. I've never told anyone this before, it was always our secret; our beautiful yet tragic secret I swore I'd take to the grave, but I can't risk losing Alee, "she was pregnant."
Her jaw drops and eyes widen as tears begin to fall down her cheeks. She doesn't look upset but genuinely sad. The image of Mia hanging above the fallen chair with pills scattered below her is one I can never forget. It haunts me every night, consumes my dreams and replays it while it paralyses me making it impossible for me to wake up. No matter how hard I try to forget, it never goes away; it never will.
"She was pregnant?" she whispers in shock.
"Yeah," I nod, "when she died--they died, everything got worse."
"How far along was she?"
"Five months. It would be one right now."
"Harry, I'm so sorry." she grabs my hand providing it warmth and love and I want to cry into her arms but there's not time for that. There's not time to be a bitch.
"That's why when we didn't use the condom I didn't freak out. I love children, I want plenty of them. Mistake or not, they're imporant and deserve to be born." the tears fall quicker down her red cheeks. Her eyes are puffy and nose is cherry red, "don't cry." I wipe away her tears and she grabs my hand again. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. She had my baby inside of her and now it's gone. I'll never be able to meet it, or hug it or craddle it at night, 'I used to sing to her stomach and talk to it. I was so attached to the baby, I feel in love with it but not with her. Blake knew she was pregnant and even though she said it was his, he knew it was mine. That's why he hated me, he walked around with phoney smiles and fake sincerity. He was planning it all along and finally found the right moment. He didn't even shed a tear when she died, not one," I sniffle blinking back the tears. Her shoulders are fallen and I can see the pity in her eyes. I don't want her to feel bad for me, I don't want her to feel pity.
"Harry,' she breaths, "you don't have to tell me anymore, really." she holds in her cries, "please, I don't want you to--"
"Just listen," I instruct and she gives in, "my drinking got worse and so did the drugs," I clear my throat trying to erase the lump that grew, "my mum was always worried and would ask my friends to look after me but I blocked them out. I was drunk or high every night, didn't give a shit about anything or anyone. I fought so much that people were afraid of me. They feared me, they thought I was some dangerous criminal and I fucking loved it. I loved how intimated people became and I loved seeing their eyes widen when they would see my tattoo's or me getting angry, it was like a drug." she watches me carefully and listens with attentive ears, taking in my psychotic words, "I got arrested one night for fighting and my mum bailed me out. Amilia was about three when I came home this one night and she looked at me like I was a stranger. I picked her up and held her just like she loved and started crying and screaming as if a monster was holding her. It fucked me up because no matter how much I drank and smoked I knew she needed me. Even though she's my sister I treated her, and still treat her like she's my daughter. I stopped talking to Louis and Blake and hung out with Niall and Conor more."
'Niall and Conor?" she interrupts.
"Yeah. I stopped hanging out with them once I joined Louis and Blake. They would always tell me to be careful and not to do anything dangerous but I never listened. Nialls parents decided to move here a few months before me and that's when he saw you and Liam together." she's going to find out the truth now. I know she's been waiting to hear this, "I looked after that man for so many fucking years, Alee. I protected him and fought for him. I was his only friend. His dad beat him, his mum always worked; he didn't have anyone but me. We moved here when him mum convinced mine that coming to America would be good for the both of us since it would help us start fresh and gather our lives. He became popular and everyone loved him and he threw me on the side. After my dad died, when I went back home, Conor moved and lived with Niall. That's when they told me you two were together. I was so attached to you, I was just--it wasn't even a crush it was beyond that!" I explain to her, "they would keep me updated on everything and they told me what he was doing to you. I knew it all. I acted like I didn't when I came back, but every fucking detail I knew. I knew he hit you, I knew he cheated--"
"Cheated?" she interupts, "he cheated on me?'
"Remember that day you went to the counselor and you were walking home and ran into Liam? I pulled up in my car and got you, remember?"
"Yeah."
"Remember when I said 'I wasn't here, but I knew everything?''"
"No?" she says confused.
"I said, "do you want to tell her, or do you want me to?" I repeat my exact words hoping the memory would come back.
She pauses and thinks about it, and her eyes widen when she does, "yeah, yeah. I remember."
"It was with Ava." I watch as the tears reform and fall. She covers her face with humiliation and betrayal and I quickly regret telling her, "I'm sorry I never told you. I know I should've."
"It's fine," she forces the tears back and rubs them away, "keep going, what else happened?"
"I um--I pretened like I didn't know her when you introduced me so things wouldn't look suspicious. But things---things got worse." she furrows her brows and her shaky stance ceases.
"Worse? How?"
"The night before I came back, after I had sex with Ruby I drank....a lot, and she was telling me to stop and to calm down but I was so drunk and angry and so impatient and annoyed with her constant nagging and her trying to baby me that I--'
"You what?' she sits up straightening her back.
"I hit her..." she's giving me the look again and stands. Please, not this again.
"You hit her?" she raises her voice in disgust, "where?"
"I just..I slapped her. Please listen, I was drunk and angry I didn't mean to." I say in a panic.
"Do you realize everything you've told me was a lie? You said you wouldn't force yourself on anyone and would never hit a girl." hurt washes over her now pale face and the broken figure returns. She still thinks I raped Candice she needs to stop thinking that.
"I didn't force myself and I know, that was after!" I stand, "I stopped drinking after that. I did so much shit because of it." she looks at me understandingly but I know she's still disgusted in me. I'm even appalled by myself. I'm a fucked up and broken man but that still shouldn't be an excuse. I'm a man and men don't hit women. I went against my own morals and I hate myself for that. I'm not like that anymore though. I could never hit Alee, I would rather chop of my hands than lay a finger on her.
"But you drank last night." she recollects crossing her arms. She hates me again.
"I know, but last night was the first time in months that I was completely drunk."
"When did you start again?" it's more of a command to know than a question.
"The night you found me at the Blue Cabin." I sit due to the pounding in my head.
"Why?" she sets herself back next to me, more relaxed now.
"Because I thought you hated me. You said if I go after Liam you'd leave me and I thought you chose him over me.'
"I never chose him over you, Harry. You were always my first choice."
But am I still?
"Then what happened?" she changes subjects, "after you left, what happened?"
"I found you. Alee, the whole time I was there I thought about you. I swear to God, you would always pop up in my head. I was determined to come back and get you but my life was so fucked up I couldn't figure out how. My dad died, Mia was gone; I was left to suffer and deal with all of it while dealing with the drugs and shit. My mum even took me to therapy but nothing worked. Then when I saw you again, everything was getting better. Life was finally good for me. Then Liam kept coming back and I swear, it took everything in my power not to kill him." he did everything to try and break us up but now that I think about it, he brought us closer together, "I love you so much, Alee. I know your feelings aren't the sa--"
"They are." she stops me, "I know that you went through a lot, and I'm so sorry for judging you." she shakes her head holding in her cries, "you needed me just as much as I needed you and I left, and for that Harry I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you when you needed me the most." her weak hands hide her face as she cries my along with my heart.
She's the most amazing girl I've ever met in my life and nothing will ever make me stop loving her. She's my world, my everything; I'm nothing without her and she needs to understand that my love will never stop. I wake up for her, I sleep dreaming of her, she's on my mind all day and night; she's my one and only and I'd rather die to go on the rest of my life without her. She has nothing to apologise for. I fucked up, and I deserved to learn my lesson but what I need for her to promise me is that she'll never leave me again.
"Don't be sorry, baby. Don't cry." I pull the weeping angel into my arms and hug her like I've never huged her before. She cries into my chest when really, it should be the other way around. I feel like me telling her everything made her feel guilty but that wasn't my intention. She lifts her head from my chest and looks at me with tears flooding her eyes, "is there more?"
"Just one thing..." I wish I could say no.
"What?" she fully removes herself from me preparing herself.
"Conor is his little brother."
"Wh--who's brother?"
"Blake's."
Her sharp, shocked gasp unmutes the silence and she looks at me with disbelief, "what?"
"He doesn't know about anything, though. I never told him. He was here while everything happened, I didn't know how to. I still don't."
"Oh my God!" she stands with her hand on her head, "that poor thing!" she adores Conor, and I know she's going to try and convince me to tell him but I don't think I can. I wouldn't be able to tell him what he did and especially what I did, he'd probably hate me for the rest of his life.
"You have to tell him!" she demands.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because, it's not that easy. That's his brother, I can't tell him that type of shit." I stand and walk to her, "and neither can you." knowing her and her kind heart, she'll try and tell him. She's not good with secrets like this, the guilt of knowing is going to kill her.
"Please tell me that's all." she begs completely exhausted and unable to take in any more.
"It is, I've told you everything. Do you still love me?"
"Of course I do." she looks into my eyes and I want to kiss her so badly.
"Are you going to leave me again?"
"Never." she wraps her arounds my neck, "I won't. You've been through so much and I judgded you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I hurt you and I didn't mean to lead you to drink again."
"Don't blame yourself for that, that's on me. I don't have self control."
"Yes you do. You're strong, Harry. You're the strongest man I know and I praise you for that." her sweet words ease my heart and I feel it lift from the ground to reconnect.
Two days without her felt like the two years she was gone. I don't want to go through that again. Not waking up without her, or falling asleep knowing she's safe murdered me. It was a wake up call for me. I thought she'd never leave me because I knew she wasn't capable of it, but I pushed her so much she finally gave up. I never want to see her that way again. I never want to see her cry over me or because of me, never do I want to see tears fall from her beautiful eyes because she deserves to be happy. I can't give her the world, I know. I can't give her the things other guys can give but I know I can give her my whole attention and life. She's the reason I'm happy again, she's the reason I smile every fucking day and without, what am I? If I hadn't come back for her I would probably be dead or in jail, but her; she saved my life in so many ways she'll never understand and for that, I will love her endlessly.
"I'm sorry I hurt you and made you cry. You know I'm not that person anymore. I would never hurt you." I remind for the hundredth time. I will tell her a hundred more times until she can repeat it in her sleep but it's the only promise I know I will never break.
"I know." she whispers holding back her tears, "I've just missed you so much." she breaks down into my arms and cries harder. I rock her like a baby, holding her tight like the world is ending. I don't want to know how she felt when I left. She probably cried and went through shit and it's all because of me.
I'm so fucking stupid. I should've told her everything from the start. We wouldn't be in this position right now but I was too selfish and inconsiderate and now I made her suffer for it. She's so fragile, I should've known better.
"Please don't cry." I cup her face and wipe the tears away with my thumb, "you're too beautiful for that. Smile baby, let me see you smile." her quivering lips slightly lift into a broken smile and seeing her so distort is like a knife through my chest, "you will be happy again. I promise, I'll never do anything like that to you again."
She clashes her salty lips onto mine and my world is bright again. I feel like I haven't kissed her in forever and I've missed the way they've felt on mine. Hers are so soft and move perfectly with mine, it's like they were made for me.
She's mine. She always will be and no one will ever be able to have the honor of having her. I'm not claiming her in any way, she's more than a girl and girlfriend, she's my angel, my heart, my entire purpose for living. I refuse to live without her and no one, not even God himself can take her away from me.
"I love you so much." I pull away licking her tears off my lips.
"And I love you." she whispers hugging me again. I love the way her arms feel around me. It brings me security.
The sudden ring of her phone startles us both and she pulls away. I want her to ignore it and fall back in arms again.
"Sorry.."she apologises sweetly taking the phone out her pocket. She shuts her eyes and sighs when she looks at the screen and slides the phone in her pocket.
"Who is it?" I ask and she walks away. It can't be Louis. He knows better then to call her after what I did to him yesterday.
Shit I forgot to tell her that...
"It's no one." she grabs a tissue and blows her nose.
"Alee, who is it?" I'm not upset or frustrated just curious.
"Zayn."
"And?"
"We had plans."
They what...?
*Hope you enjoyed! Thank you for reading and please don't forget to comment and vote! Also, I deleted and reuploaded chapter 80(next chapter) bc it was on private for some reason so I edited it and reuploaded it and it's public. That's why the views/comments/votes are so low.*