Each step feels heavy, not uncomfortable. I know with Niall I'll be able to confide in him but though I can, I know I can't tell him about what Harry did. Maybe he already knows but either way I don't want to risk anything. Plus, what he did is something you can't quite share with someone; it's way too serious and honestly none of anyone's business.
"There no light," Niall turns the nob to the steel door and we both walk in. It's cool inside, but completely vacant; just floor and walls. But at the left corner there's a huge grey cabinet and after shutting the door, Niall walks to it and opens it, taking out two chairs that are stacked on top of each other. There are three huge windows across from us and the only light in the room is from the sun shining through them. The grey walls and concrete ground hold the memory of Harry kissing me after I ignored him for knowing he knew about Ava and Liam. I hit him because he never told me that he knew, not even once gave me a slight clue or even bothered to mention them. I shouldn't be surprised about his past or his secrets; I guess it's just something I can't really get used to because each secret maxes out the one before.
He sets the two chairs in front of each other and sits, "sit." he instructs and I follow. I carelessly drop my bag beside me and cross my legs, sliding my hands between them. He spreads his and moves closer, just the way Harry used to, "what happened?" his blue eyes stick to mine as he rests his elbows on his knees to listen.
"We broke up." though the room is huge and a small pin drop could be heard, my voice is almost inaudible. His eyes widen to the new information and his brows pull together creating lines on his forehead beneath his swiped hair.
"Really? What happened?"
"We just--we weren't getting along." shaking my head I wipe my tears away.
"How come? You two were so in love." he doesn't realize how much that hurts me. I know how much Harry loves me which makes me walking out even harder to do but I was left with no choice. I shouldn't feel guilty but I do.
"We got into an argument and one thing lead to another and I left." my weak shoulders lift into a shrug and slump down with sadness. His attention is directed to me and watches me with pity, pity and shock. He hangs his head shaking it and takes a deep breath.
"That's really hard to believe." he lifts his head to meet my eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"He always bragged about you, always told the guys how amazing you are. It's crazy how he just let you leave."
I thought I couldn't feel any worse then I do now, but I do. I listen to him tell me how much he loved me and never stopped talking about me when he was with Conor and him. Every word and story, every use of the word "love" sticks a sharp knife in my already broken heart and I swear I can feel it bleed.
"It's different, Niall. We're not like every other couple." if only he knew.
"I know you're not, you guys are fucking insane but the love you two have is legit impossible to find.. I swear Al, you guys are like this." he crosses his middle finger over his index and holds it up symbolizing how close Harry and I are--were.
"You don't understand." shaking my head, I stand. I feel jailed in this seat and the emptiness of this room mimics my life, "he's not the person I thought he was! He's a fucking liar!" my feelings are bi-polar towards him. One second I feel bad and want him, the next I feel such strong hatred towards him it's like I can't make up my mind. The more I think about what he did and the more I talk about it, the hatred grows more and more, but than when I've cooled down all the great memories come back, all that resentment disappears, "I told him everything about me! Every single thing about my life from the beginning until now, I have never left anything out and he couldn't even tell me one thing about him without me forcing it out of him!" I can't control my mouth because all of the words and feeling I've kept bottled up is finally being released and it's like I can't stop.
"Alright, it's okay." he throws his hands up in surrender form and stands, "it's nothing to cry over." his voice has drastically changed to a soft, understanding tone, "c'mon, sit back down." he grabs my hand and leads me back, sitting me down and taking his seat, "what you feel now," he leans in, "will be gone. That hate you feel towards him right now is just this little phase that I know will not last. You love him too much and it's a love you know you can't deny. Harry has never loved anyone as much as he loves you. He probably loves you more than he loves everything he loves put together. I would know," he half smiles confidently, "I've known the guy for more than six years, I know what he feels and I know what he's like. Whatever he did," he leans back like he has an idea of Harry's vile past, "it's nothing important now. He may seem emotionless sometimes or possessive, or even distant, maybe even temperamental but you're the only one who has put up with it."
He's right. I've been through so much with him and his temper and sometimes violent behavior, but I never left him, the thought never even slipped my mind. I knew because he fixed me and was there for me, I couldn't turn my back on him when he needed me just as much I needed him. Niall said he has known him for more then six years so maybe he does know what Harry did. Come to think of it, I'm actually positive he does. All the times at lunch when he would say "the party boy is back" or "the old Harry is back" makes sense now, and Harry's reaction to him saying those things are coming together.
"I'm right," he grins, "you know I'm right. Just, give it a few days even a few weeks if you need but just know he's nothing without you." he leans back into his chair and slouches, crossing his arms over his chest as if he just gave a lesson he's proud of.
"I don't know what to do." I sound younger then I actually do and my voice is so little, almost unrecognizable.
"Yes you do." he nods, "you always do. Just go with your heart." his last word echo's throughout the room and in my mind, remaining there even longer as it projects back and forth through my ear drums. My heart is not in place anymore, I don't even think it's there.
"Have you talked to him?" he asks.
"No."
"When was the last time you two talked?"
"Like, two days ago." I pick at my finger nails and he sighs.
"Okay, give it time. Give it time." he stands, "it'll all be okay, trust me." just as he grabs the back of his chair, the bell rings and students voices are immediately heard as they transition. I stand from my seat and Niall puts both of ours back in the cabinet and strides to the door. His massive broad body overpowers my worn out one and I can't help but to compare how similar it is to Harry's.
"Thank you." I say smiling picking my bag off the floor. A real smile, not a fake or forced one that I've been showing the past few days.
"Anytime." he wraps his heavy arms around my waist and pulls me in, "I'm always here." he assures running his hand up and down my back. He pulls away, but something pulls me back. I kiss his cheek, and he stands silently almost seeming to be caught off guard but recovers with a smile.
"You're the best." I say as he opens the door.
"I know." he shrugs cockily and holds it open. He follows me out we follow the remaining students from gym back up to the first floor.
Everyone looks so happy; enjoying each other's company and even though they don't notice me, I feel like my presents kills the mood. There's no way for me too feel like them. There's no type of joy or happiness in me and I know it'll be a while until it comes back.
"Well, you have English right?" Niall asks squeezing through the crowed halls.
"Yeah." I say following him. There are so many people I feel so clustered.
"I'll see you at lunch then?" he turns and his bright smiles flashes for me.
"Yeah." I nod standing in front of my locker.
"Smile." he pinches my cheek and walks away.
I don't feel any different. I thought talking to him would make me feel better but it didn't. I feel even worse now that he has told me how much Harry would talk about me expressing his love for me and I feel a different type of sadness. I keep telling myself not to feel guilty but come to think of it, I'm the only one he has just like he's the only one I have. I know without him I'll be broken for God know's how long but I don't want to be. I don't want to be happy without him or with any one else. It's hard for me to choose now, but I know this is something I'll never get over. Even if I do--or when I do forgive him, it'll always remain at the back of my head; taunting me and bullying me.
~~~
Like always, the day went by slow. Because of my engaged mind, the whole day was a blur. I didn't pay attention in any of my classes or did any my work, I basically stared down at my notebook, Harry's notebook. He gave it to me when I forgot mine at home and he know's how annoyed the teacher would get when we didn't have it. He gave it to me so I wouldn't get in trouble but he did because he didn't have a spare one. He didn't care. He never did. Teachers always yelled at him for not coming prepared and always took points off his grade for messing around in class and distracting students from their work, but he never cared. He'd turn to me and laugh as the teacher yelled which pissed them off even more, and I think he enjoyed seeing them so angry. He's just so care free nothing bothered him. The only thing that did was Liam. And because of Liam, Harry's temper got worse. I tried really hard to bring it down and ease it but I think me doing that made it ill.
Niall sat beside me at lunch in Harry's seat and got me involved in some of the conversations he had with Conor and Harley. I mostly listened rather then talked and I swear they're the funniest guys. Harley is much funnier than I thought, she actually has such an incredible sense of humor which makes Conor's obsession with her understandable. I'm sure Niall told him what happened because he gave me that smile. You know, that half smile that says "you look really fucked up and a mess but he told me what happened and I hope you're okay." That type of smile. I've been receiving pity from everyone and it's driving me insane.
~~~
"How was school?" Alan's profile shines beside me as the sun hits it. Smooth jazz plays faintly through his truck and he taps his wheel with his fingers along with the rhythm.
"Fine." I shrug watching the trees become unfocused beside me as we race by them. My dull tone must have caught his attention and he turns to look at me.
"You sure?" his eyes are so blue sometimes it's scary, "something doesn't look right about you..." he points out.
"Nope. Everything's fine." I lie again. I must have lied to him in the passed two days more than I've lied in my entire life time.
"Well, are you fine enough to come to the grocery store with me? I'll let you buy it out again." last time we went, we ended up with two shopping carts full of food. He never said I had a limit, he said I could get whatever I wanted and so I did. He's good with his money so a couple hundred dollars on food didn't bug him much, I think.
"Yeah, sure."
"You can buy all the Coca Cola and cocoa puffs you want." he know's how much I love them and I can't help but to smile, "and all the pizza rolls and Ruffles your heart desires," he goes on causing me to laugh, "we'll buy every box of Cheez-It and all ham--"
"Okay!" I laugh, "I get it. We'll just buy out the store again." I shake my head looking out the window.
"Good, we'll go now to save us the time." he lifts his signal stick and drives to the exit that'll lead us to the shopping center.
We reach Acme and Alan parks right in front of the doors, making our walk extremely short, "are you going to make something special, is that why we're here?" I unbuckle my belt and grab my phone from my bag.
"Yeah, I was watching the cooking channel last night and I saw this Italian lady make this spaghetti and meatball thing. It looked delicious." we both step out of the red Chevrolet and he throws his arm around my neck as we walk.
"Italian lady?" he never know's names, just description and nationality.
"Yeah," the automatic doors open and we walk in, "brown hair and her pronunciation of mozzarella is hilarious." he chuckles grabbing a cart, "she puts so much accent into it and she doesn't even have one."
"So tell me," he pushes the car and we walk down the first isle of cans, "how's everything with Harold?" he laughs at himself and grabs four cans of tomato sauce and tosses it in the cart. Harry only let Alan call him Harold. I remember I used to do it and he would cover his ears and yell over me. One time he screamed so hard his voice cracked and I fell over from laughing so hard. I miss those days so much.
"Great, everything's great." my mood has lightened up just a little, so my tone in my lies make them more believable.
"He's coming back next week." we reach the vegetable area and he grabs a small plastic bag and sticks two heads of parsley in. Picking at my finger nails, I look away from him. I'd like to go an hour without someone mentioning him. Is that so hard to ask? It hurts me more and more and all I want is to a have a normal conversation with someone without them bringing him or my relationship up.
"Is he?" I act like I don't know.
"Yeah, his mom is going to come by Monday to reinstate him. That's exciting, isn't it?" he smiles looking at me, "you get to be with your 'babes' all day."
"Babes?" where the hell did he learn that?
"Yeah, all the students call their boyfriend or girlfriends that, or bae. Some shit like that." he shakes his head like he's ashamed of our generation, "I don't get it," he begins to say grabbing the cilantro, "babe is short for baby, right?"
"Right..."
"So then why would you make it shorter even after shortening it? I swear you kids are stupid." he taps his forehead indicating that we're all brainless. I burst out laughing but he remains serious. He makes a good point though.
"You guys are just lazy."
"You call mom babe all the time, you shouldn't be one to talk."
"I'm talking about 'bae.' That word is so annoying, stop using it." he points to me and rides away with his cart. I've never in my life used the word 'bae' I don't know what the hell he's talking about. How did he even get so far away? I run after him laughing and he speeds farther away from me.
"Stop running away!" I catch up and he laughs.
"I'm sorry bae." he grins tossing ground beef into the cart.
"Ew, don't say that." old people should never say that.
"Why? Am I not hip enough?" he lifts his glasses that have fallen on his nose, placing them perfectly in place.
"No."
"Oh look," he smiles passed me, "it's Anne!"
My smile drops creating an open mouth and my eyes widen. A sudden stiffness has taken over me and I don't want to turn around.
"Alan, Alee!" her sweet English accent greets, "My goodness, I haven't seen you in ages!" slowly, I turn around and I am relief to only see her alone. My eyes and jaw relaxes along with the rest of my body and a relieved smile crosses my face, "Hi darling," she hugs me, "how are you? I haven't seen you since Tuesday."
"I've been busy and all." I hate lying to her and I can tell she doesn't know what happened.
"How are you?" Alan asks his good friend.
"I've been well, yeah. And yourself?"
"Great!" Alan smiles, "Alee, go and grab some soda's and stuff," the look in his eyes tells me that he wants to talk serious with her, maybe about Harry and I pick up his hint.
"Okay." without hesitation I move as quickly as possible away from them. Is Harry even here? Maybe he's with Amilia and they split up. Knowing him, he's probably in the cookie isle carrying more boxes then he can handle. Feeling nervous and somewhat hopeful, I walk around the entire store in search of him. I want to see him again, but I know it'll be awkward and since I can't find him it's kind of relieving. I know I wouldn't know what to say or even act, I'd probably stare at him or knowing myself, I'd surrender and throw myself at him.
I carefully look through each aisle and grab what I can. My hands are full of cookies and chips; basically junk food to numb the pain. I struggle to carry it all back to the cart and once I reach it, it all falls in and Alan laughs, "not even surprised." he sticks his bottom lip out and shakes his head. I look around to find Harry's mom but I don't see her anywhere.
"She left?" I ask opening the freezer and grabbing the pizza rolls he knows I love so much.
"Yeah, she only came for some milk and sugar. She's baking cookies for Amilia's bake sale." I miss that little girl so much. She's so wise beyond her years. I know if she were my age we would be inseparable; she's an angel.
"Oh." is all I can say.
"Yeah, Harry's at home watching her." he informs reading the nutrients facts on the back of the Nutella jar. It's not like he has never bought that before, he know's what inside.
"That's nice."
"She told me to tell you to stop by tomorrow and help her bake."
"She did?" I remember her telling me she wanted to teach me since Amilia is too young too. I'm not really good with baking, cooking yes but I always burn the edges of the cake or brownie I make and even up throwing it all away. I hate to turn it down, but I don't really have a choice. I don't want to spend my Friday night feeling my heart beat through my chest wondering if Harry is going to walk through the door any second and see me. I don't want to go through that yet, "I'll think about it."
"Alright." he brushes off, "are you going to get anything else?"
"Yup. Follow me."
He chuckles following me through each isle again and I throw in whatever looks good to me. He even does the same, tossing chips and wafers in along with his favorite yogurts and string cheese. The cart if full again and it's piled to the top. We only came for some vegetables and sauces but instead we bought half the store out.
"Wow, two hundred dollars." he puts all his force in pushing the cart to the car.
"Yeah, that's not bad." I shrug. I know it's bad, but he's to blame too.
"Shut up and put everything in." with three bags in each hand, he places all the bags in the back. One rips but he catches the Mountain Dew before it falls and I gasp following his actions, "don't worry, your baby is fine." he rolls his eyes.
The last two hours spent here was a good escape for me. Harry was on my mind some of the time, but most of it I was laughing with Alan. He kept my thoughts occupied with stories about some students and told me stories about "back in the day." I can't help to wonder what he was like as a teenager. He always compares Harry to himself but I doubt that. Alan is much more mellow and calm compared to Harry who's the complete opposite of him.
All I've been doing is comparing people to Harry. It's like he has controlled my mind. Everywhere I look I think, "that's something Harry would like," or "Harry loves wearing things like that." It has only been two days but two days too long.
~~~~
We brought all the bags in the house and sorted them out, putting all the chips in the right places and cans in the right cabinets. Alan didn't want my help with the cooking so I went to my room and did my homework. I'm a fan of his cooking. He's an excellent chef since he studied culinary for a few years. It's great use for my mom too, when she's tired he just takes over and he's always willing too. He's such a great husband and father, I can't believe I hated him so much before. When my mom told me we were moving in here with him I almost ran away. I wanted my dad but she kept telling me he was never going to come back.
I always wonder what he's doing. I have a feeling he's still in California roaming the streets along with the crack heads and drug addicts. He's so much better then them; so much smarter and wiser. I haven't seen or talked to him in almost six months and I truly do miss him. He was always a great father to me and an amazing husband to my mom. He never hurt her or me, he was always there for us but his other struggles got the best of him and I guess my mom got sick of it. It was just us for a year and a half until she reunited with Alan and made her the happiest women in the world. He does everything for her, and I mean everything. It could be four AM in the morning and he'll walk barefoot to the store and buy her whatever she wants. He has never said no to her treats her like a queen. I guess in a way, Harry is like him.
"Aleevonne!" Alan calls from downstairs. I lift my textbook that I buried my face in and toss it beside me.
"Yeah?" I jump from the bed and run to the door and out the hall.
"Dinners ready!" the amazing smell of meatballs and spaghetti sauce wanders through my nose as I hurry into the kitchen.
"There are only two plates." I point out halting.
"Yeah." he frowns, "mom has to work late." he worries for her a lot now that she's pregnant. She refuses to have her hours cut off, I don't know why, and that upsets him. I hate seeing him so down, it makes me sad.
"So it's just you and I?" I joyfully skip to my seat like a pre schooler and he laughs.
"Yup." taking his seat, I pull my phone out and set it beside my plate. I keep checking to see if Harry texted me or called, I shouldn't expect anything anyway but I can't help but to look.
"The sauce is green." my face twists when he drops a plate of spaghetti on my plate.
"Because of all the vegetables, now eat it." I thought he said we were having Italian. This looks like green paint and noodles, "eat." he notices my hesitation and I force a fork full in my mouth. He watches me chew it and a smile grows when I laugh.
"It's really good!"
"See, don't underestimate me."
~~~~~~~~
"I'll wash the dishes." after devouring half of the food, we finally finish eating. Alan unbuttoned his pants and leaned back into the chair, letting his belly fall out as he rubs it.
"I'm going to explode." he groans standing and stretching, "did you like it?"
"Yeah! It was delicious!"
"I bet it was better than that Italian ladies." he smirks with pride.
"Who is this lady you keep talking about?" I wonder soaping down each dish. I could just use the dish washer but it's only a few plates.
"Giada, Miada...something like that, I don't remember." he slides his hands under the running water to wash them and pulls away, "your phone." he says walking out the kitchen.
"What?" I turn.
"Your phone is ringing." I quickly turn the faucet off and jog to it. My hands are still wet and I rub them against my sweat pants and grab my phone. Zayn's name flashes on the screen and I'm actually happy he's calling.
"Hello?" I greet holding the phone between my ear and shoulder so I could properly dry my hands.
"Hey, Alee. How are you?" he sounds happy.
"I'm great! How 'bout you?" I ball the rag and throw it on the table, shutting the kitchen light off and walking back up. Alan is slouched on the couch looking like he just swallowed an elephant and I cover my mouth laughing.
"I'm good, yeah. So what's up? I hope I'm not bothering you."
"Oh, no! No, you're fine. I just finished eating." I walk into my room and flop down on the bed allowing my stomach to take in everything I had just eaten.
"I did too." he softly laughs, "so how is everything? How's life?"
"Wonderful." Fourth. He's the fourth person I've lied too.
"That's good to hear, I'm glad. Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tomorrow, if Harry won't mind."
"He won't."
"Oh, that's great then!" he joyfully says. Usually Ava's the one making plans with me, not him.
"What will we do?" I wonder flipping aimlessly through my text book.
"You can come by for lunch after school. If Harry won't mind, I can pick you up and bring you here."
Harry won't mind. Stop asking.
"Yeah, that sounds fun!" I cover up my slight annoyance.
"Harry can come too. That's fine."
"He's busy." I answer too quickly, "he has things to do."
"Oh, alright. So I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah! Just text me before you pick me up so I know which entrance your at."
"Will do." he says, "goodnight."
"Goodnight!"
It's kind of strange that he wants to hang out out of the blue but it'll be nice to see him again. I don't have friends anymore and it would be nice to escape and have a friendly face around. I know Harry won't like it, but he's not here.
After I finished my homework, my mom came home. She ate what Alan made and he sat with her and they talked about the baby. I watched re-runs of Will and Grace and I heard them talk about what they're going to name the baby. She suggested something like Brianna and he said that he loved the name Sebastian.
"You want to name your son after a crab?" I joke walking in and my mom picks up the joke quickly and giggles.
"It's a great name." he defends looking at my mom.
"If it's a girl," she swallows her food, "I want to name her Priscilla."
"Like Priscilla Presley?"
"Sort of," she laughs, "as I was working today, just randomly out of nowhere my childhood friend came to mind. That was her name." she twirled the spaghetti around her forth and puts it in her mouth, "I'm in love with it."
"That's pretty." I sit next to her, "why didn't you name me that?"
"Aleevonne is a gorgeous name." she rubs my thigh and smiles. Her baby bump is somewhat adorable. I don't know what it is, maybe the fact that she's pregnant, but she looks prettier. Her natural glow has gotten better and her eyes are shining more. Her dark hair falls over her shoulder and her long lashes beat up and down as she looks at the man she's madly in love with. I want to look at some one that way, or at least look at someone that way again. I want it to be Harry...
I want everything to be with Harry. I just want him back. I hate doing this to myself! I hate missing him and thinking of him so much, I need to be strong but I feel weaker than. I've ever been.
"How about Maximilian?"
"No way." Alan shakes his head.
"Rodrick?"
"No..."
"Kevin?"
"I hate that name." My mom sips her soda.
"Okay," I sigh, "how about Fredrick?"
"Nope."
"Tom?"
"Ew." she shakes her head.
"Emmett?"
"Oh," my mom's eyes widen with interest, "Emmett? Yes, I like that!"
"My child is not a vampire." he says referring to the chick flick.
"Oh stop!" she slaps his arm and rolls her eyes, "that's a lovely name. I like it a lot. Emmett Crossmen." she smiles, "has a nice ring to it."
"What if you have twins?" I trace the table with my finger. That'll be double the ignoring and double the feeling of loneliness.
"We'd be blessed." Alan loves kids and has always wanted plenty of them. She could be pregnant with five kids and he would be the happiest man, I mean who wouldn't be?
"We'd have two strapping boys like me." Alan stands and puts his hands on his hips and lifts his chest like superman.
"Or two girls," she softly throws in, "Priscilla And Marbelle."
"I can't believe you actually remembered that name."
"Why?" Alan curiously asks.
"I had an imaginary friend when I was little and her name was Marbelle." I smile at the memories. I laugh at how I used to talk to her, or rather talk to air. I actually sat facing a wall talking to it thinking my best friend in the whole entire world was sitting right in front of it. Being a kid was so easy. No worries or anything; lived life with no drama, I miss those days.
"Whatever you want to name it, or them I don't care." he stands, "just as long as it's not Maximilian." he cringes.
"Alrighty!" my mom stands up exhausted, "I'm off to bed." she walks to me and places her hand on my cheek and kisses the other, "sweet dreams, love." her plump lips lift into a smile and Alan follows her.
"Night, punk." he walks by me.
"Goodnight bum."
After cleaning my mom's dishes, I flop down on the coach and continue watching the show. My eyes feel heavy and I feel myself slowly drifting.
Harry and I used to sit here and watch Friends all the time. I got him into it, he wasn't much of a fan of it but we would watch it so much every time he'd come he'd know that's what we were going to watch. I feel like I should've given him a chance to explain. I mean, he did explain himself but I have a feeling there was more behind it than what he said. I was just so angry and shocked because I never though of him doing something like that. Liam, yes but him? I still find it shocking.
I wonder what he's doing or thinking. Is he thinking about me? Does he miss me? I hope he does. Despite his strong love for me, I feel like I miss him way more than he could miss me. I sound stupid because I keep saying I miss him but at the same time I can't go back. I always stay and go back but those times were never like this. He know's I'm incapable of leaving him forever, I just need him to know that I'm serious this time and I that I need to think things through. It has only been two days and my mind isn't fully there yet, so of course I'm going to keep going back and forth with this.
I keep re reading his letter over and over, it's honestly the one thing I have left of him besides his shirt and orange sweater. I still have his jewelry but looking at it makes me cry. I keep it locked up in my drawer like it's some type of illegal or secret device. He said that I might hate his shirt, but I keep it with me every night. I'm hurting just as much as he is, I know I am. I know how broken he is by this. The memories of him falling to his knees and begging me to stay just proves how much I've destroyed him.
He said that I will be able to get over him but he would never be able to get over me and I laugh at how wrong he was. He was the only one who made me whole, the one capable of doing that. No one knew how to, no one even bothered to help me but he fixed me back. Even though the beginning of our relationship was rough with all the arguing and fighting because of Liam, we still remained by each other sides. He made me happy again; happier than I actually was before everything happened. It's just so tough to believe that he was the type to do all of that. I should've shown a little more sympathy. He said he became that way after his dad died. He lost his way and only had Louis and Blake to guide him, he didn't know any better. He was young and naive, just like me and we all make mistakes. But his mistakes were worse.
He drugged her and it's something that I will never get over. He said he had sex with her plenty of times before I don't understand why he had to force himself on her. That poor girl; I can't imagine what she went through. Harry said it wasn't rape, and I believe him but he said she struggled at first. She probably gave in and did it to get it over with.
I'm so fucked up in the head, I can't think straight anymore.
I'm so tired and weary, all I feel like doing is sleeping. I turn the lights and TV off and sluggishly walk up to my room. It's almost midnight and I can't even keep my eyes open. I quietly shut the door behind me and crawl underneath the blanket to get warm. Just as I set my phone on my night stand, it rings.
I'm in no mood to talk or text anyone, I just want to sleep. But maybe some one needs my help or something. Why else would they be calling me at midnight? I just hope it isn't the "unknown" number again. He's the reason Harry and I aren't together anymore and if it is him on other line, I was trace his phone and personally murder him.
Without looking at the name, I put the phone to my ear and groan, "hello?"
"Alee?"
I sit up, "is everything okay?"
"Is Harry with you? When I came home he left and never came back. It's been seven hours."
"No, I haven't." I panic throwing the blanket off me. It's like I'm living in the past again, "have you tried calling him or texting him?"
"Of course, he isn't picking up or answering; I'm worried."
This is the second time she has called me telling me she's worried about her lost son and each time the reasons were because of me.
"Do you think he's at the Blue Cabin?" I hesitate to ask. I don't know what's making me check if he's outside my house, but as I walk to my window to see if his car is out there, I can't help but to hope he is. Just to assure that he's fine.
"I don't know." she quietly replies, "I can't leave the house because Amilia is here, and you know anything could happen in a matter of minutes." I know she wants me to go and find him and even though we're in the situation, I don't want her worrying.
"I'll um--" I rub my forehead and pace back and forth, "I'll go and check if he's there."
"No, no! It's too late and it's dangerous. He'll be home soon, I know he will." she sounds unsure and I am as well. I'm beginning to worry too because Louis always goes there and so does Liam. All hell would break loose if all three are there.
"It's fine, really. I can use Alan's car to see if he's there."
"You can't, darling. Listen, I'm sorry if I worried you but I'm sure he's okay. I was just wondering if he was with you."
"But we're both worried and now I won't be able to sleep knowing he's not home." she doesn't reply and I only hear her sigh, "I'll go and check if he's there and if I see him, I'll let you know."
"Okay," she whispers, "thank you, lovely."
"No problem."
I put my sneakers on and grab my hoodie. I'm not going to call Zayn, that will only make things worse if he is there, so I'm basically stuck. I do have my permit but I can't drive without someone with me.
I don't want him to get hurt or hurt himself, and he's probably there drinking away the pain. I don't want him doing that, especially not over me.
Alan always leaves his car keys on the dining room table and I'm sure he won't notice if I sneak out for an hour. He's sound asleep, I'm sure he won't wake up.
*hey everyone! Just real quick, I'm going to stop making these long end notes because they're annoying lol, so I'm going to make this long since it's the last one :) 1st, I'm really sorry if it took me a while to update. My laptop wasn't working for the past four days but my dad finally fixed it so everything is good! 2nd, someone linked me to a website where someone took my story without my permission or credit and I would like for you guys to tell me if you ever see my story on another site. Wattpad and OneDirectionFanFiction are the one two sites I have posted this story on so I'd really appreciate if you'd notify me if you see something like that. Earlier it happened and I reported her and the story got removed, which is a relief so please let me know! Also, I know in the past I said I'd update every 120 votes but each chapter gets more than 200 votes within a day, so I know this won't be hard but I've decided to update every 200 votes. I'm sorry if all these changes are annoying! I promise it's the last! Thank you all for reading, voting, and commenting and I hope you continue to enjoy my story! Thanks so much <3*