I'm not quite sure what time it was, somewhere in the gap where it's difficult to determine if it's morning or night, I suppose. The moon had set but the sun wasn't yet up- and neither was I. I never heard the front door open. I never heard him sit down his bags or carefully walk into the bedroom. The first thing I noticed was when his arms wrapped around me in my sleep. I felt him briefly nuzzle into the crook of my neck and one of his hands made its way to rest on my stomach.
As soon as my mind was able to wake up enough to comprehend his presence, I was angry. Where had he been all this time? I had been short with him on the phone but nineteen days later, when he had finally returned, I look over at him, intending to brush him off, and saw him sleeping so peacefully. He looked awful. His eyes were swollen and I could read the exhaustion on the fine lines in his face. I decided our conversation could wait a few hours and I moved closer to him, taking in his scent and falling back to sleep myself for a couple of hours.
I awoke again around noon, starving and needing to stretch my back. My little boys were definitely growing which meant I needed to get up before I woke Lindsey. I slipped out of bed and quietly closed the door, knowing that he badly needed the rest. I made myself something to eat and then saw his oversized bag by the front door. I assumed it was filled with as much dirty laundry as clean and I pulled into the wash room to get started on things. Motherhood, I decided, was changing me already. I sorted through a few wadded up v-neck tshirts when I came across a folded piece of paper. I knew whatever it said was none of my business, but I opened it to read it anyway.
I was stunned at the scathing remarks over his work that I saw scribbled in his own handwriting- it was obviously a critique of his new work, and it wasn't very nice. My heart broke for him. We had all gotten bad reviews before, but Lindsey was always his own toughest critic. I had thought that his new album was amazing, that he had truly created a masterpiece, but I realized I hadn't said that to him.
Continuing to flip through the documents I saw schedules, revised press releases and interviews. It was apparent that he had been overbooked, and I could tell just from the brief amount of reading that I had done that he had worked very hard to get back to me even now. There was a folder full of interview requests, filled out completely, less the questions about me. Why did there always have to be questions about me, I thought. I'm sure he didn't know how to answer, and truthfully neither did I. At least he didn't do anything before asking me. It was a definite step in the right direction.
I decided to ease up on him. It didn't excuse his absence but it did somewhat explain it.
I neatly placed the folder aside and continued to sort his dirty clothes, thinking that I wanted to start working on the nursery while Lindsey was home. Home. Hmmm. I wondered if he thought of this as home. I was sure he didn't, at least at this point, but it just felt so right to have him here.
I felt him kiss me on top of the head, turning me around and pulling me from my thoughts.
"Hey you," he greeted me somewhat groggily, turning me around to face him as he kissed me on the lips and wrapped his arms around my shoulders embrace me.
"Hi," I embraced him back, my growing midsection preventing him from getting too close.
"You've really grown while I was gone," he beamed, "you look great." I knew he was complementing me, so I just took it at face value.
He stepped away a little bit and looked at me, bending down to kiss my stomach and talk to the babies. "Hi in there you two, Daddy's back. You're getting so big! I brought you something," he beamed, turning to walk back to the entry area and returning with two soft stuffed toys, a giraffe and an elephant.
"Oh, Lindsey, those are so sweet. Their first little toys!" My heart gushed at the thought of Lindsey picking them out while he was away.
"And a little something for Mama," he handed me a black box from my favorite jeweler in LA, containing a double strand necklace with two delicate round diamonds, presumably one for each baby.
"It's beautiful," I kissed him chastely. He took it out of the box and clasped it around my neck as I held my hair to the side. It was beautiful and fell perfectly on my chest, Lindsey having no shame in taking an extra long look at my growing breasts.
"I'm glad you like it," he assured me. "I wasn't sure what to bring the babies, it's kind of hard to pick things out when we don't know who's in there yet," he lightly rubbed my stomach.
"You don't have to bring us gifts, Linds," I assured him. "We are just glad to have you here with us. The boys and I have missed you," I smiled, awaiting his reaction.
"I've missed- Boys?! Steph did you just say boys?"
He was grinning from ear to ear.
I nodded my head enthusiastically. "Two healthy baby boys!"
I thought he would do a backflip he was so excited. He grabbed my hand, kissing it, as he dropped to his knees and began to talk to the babies. "Alright, little men. I can't wait to meet you but you better be treating Mommy right while you're in there. You're going to find out for yourselves just how special she is in a few months, but for now you'll just have to take my word for it."
I stood patiently and watched him bond with his sons, thinking that this was perfection. It was the way I had always envisioned it, the kind and caring version of Lindsey, hair a little unruly and face slightly unshaven, wearing only yesterday's wrinkled jeans, talking to our babies. I was disappointed that he wasn't with me for the ultrasound but I supposed the result was the same, and Lindsey was elated.
Eventually we had a bite to eat, well several bites for me, and got dressed for the day. He agreed to help me start on the nursery, still on cloud nine over their genders.
He helped me move some of the larger furniture out of the room that would become the nursery, as I swept the floors. He accommodated my wishes to the nth degree, paining a wall of the nursery a beautiful shade of blue and hanging the curtains that I had picked out earlier in the week. The furniture would be delivered later next month, I advised him, but I was so grateful for his help in beginning to prepare the room. I felt as though I still had a good amount of time to prepare, but I knew his schedule would only get increasingly busy and I wanted his touch in the room.
I wandered into the kitchen and began to prepare a simple dinner, Lindsey strolling in after me and grabbing a beer. The night was cool, prompting him to start a fire and we curled up on the couch after our meal.
I had been silent for quite a while, lost in my own head as I often was, but even in the comfort of his arms I still wasn't able to completely forget the fact that he had so nonchalantly waltzed back in after being gone for triple the amount of time that he had promised, and missing my doctor's appointment.
"What's wrong, Angel," he asked, gently stroking my arm.
I knew I had to be honest, even if I did feel a storm coming.
"Lindsey," I began timidly, "why were you gone for so long?"
He sighed, automatically agitated at my question. "Stevie you know how it is..." He trailed off.
"Don't you dare get snippy with me right now. You're the one who promised you'd be back in 'a few days' and then were gone for almost three weeks! You missed our ultrasound, Lindsey!"
"I was working! I couldn't just leave, I don't disappear like you do!"
"And there it is," I snarled. "I knew you were waiting to bring that up."
"How could I not? Don't you think I'm allowed to at least be a little upset by the fact that you just vanished for two years and I about lost my mind searching for you?"
We were both standing at this point, and though it has been years since we had truly had a screaming match it appeared that neither of us had lost the ability to throw verbal punches.
"FIRST of all, I didn't 'just disappear' as you put it. You pushed me away, you broke me! And then you made it pretty obvious that you weren't coming for me. What was I supposed to do, Lindsey? Just sit back and be miserable forever?"
"But I did come for you, I searched for you for two years!"
"And then you found me, and pulled me from the emotionally stable life I had created, and guess what, even pregnant and scared, I'm still not a priority!"
He shifted his weight, indicating that through he was agitated and likely not thinking clearly, he was attempting to keep his anger somewhat in check.
"Why are you scared, Stevie?" He asked, remaining shockingly calm.
"Because! Because I'm about to bring two tiny humans into this world and I don't want to have to do it alone and broken hearted!" Tears were rushing down my face as I screamed.
"That's what you really think of me," he asked, monotone, a slight quiver to his voice. "That I would leave you and the boys? That I don't want to be here? Because if that's really how you think it's going to go that's some seriously messed up shit, Steph."
I attempted to calm myself down for the sake of the babies, taking deep breaths, and promising myself not to yell. "How could I not think that? I don't know what your life is like in LA anymore, I can only imagine what kept you for so long in California, what you haven't told me and what I probably don't want to know-"
"Stop right there," he cut me off. "You're about to cross into dangerous territory. I'd think about what you're about to accuse me of before the words came out if I were you."
My tears continued to fall. "Listen to me, Lindsey. The ball is in your court. You can stay or you can go, but there is no in between anymore. Either you're in or you're out but it's not fair to me, or to them," I placed both of my hands on my bump, "for you to do this halfway. Take some time to think about it, because I mean it. Make your decision." And with that I turned and retreated to the bedroom, slamming the door closed.
I lay down, still upset, but knowing that he would give me the space I thought I wanted. I didn't blame him if he needed space right now, but I wanted a real answer, not just what he thought I needed to hear.