Warning:SPG
I didn't know there will still be something more heartbeaking for me to see and to realize. All my life, I've been cast away from my very own family. That family whom I thought mine.
And now, I am like repeating history. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa dinarami-rami, sa akin pa nangyayari ang lahat ng ito. Radicus and Carmela.
I didn't bother wiping off my tears while staring at Troy. Dama ko ang awa nito base na rin sa pagtingin nito sa akin. Heck! Nakakaawa nga ako. Of all people, bakit ganito? Piece by piece, everything links together and viola, the naked truth is now infront of me. The way Radicus holds Carmela's hand, it's not a simple hold, it's a touch of someone who's longing. Longing for what?
At the end of this day, alam kong magiging sarado ang pag-iisip ko. Alam kong babalik na naman ako sa umpisa. Questioning his love. Doubting him.
"Maya, ihahatid na kita." Troy say. Napaatras ako at umiling. I didn't blink because I want the feeling of my tears gushing through my face. It feels terribly soothing. Whenever I'm lonely, my tears are the only ones caressing my face. That way, I don't feel cold. I feel warmth. It's weird. But it's the way I'm feeling it.
"Kaya ko ng umuwi T-troy." I said. Pinilit kong patatagin ang boses ko. I was never a coward. Never a weak one. They say the strenth of a person depends on how an individual accepts living. I accept living. I accept pain but this time..I feel like this is too much.
"I insist--"
"Na-nakapunta ako dito ng mag-isa. Aalis ako ng mag-isa." I answered. It was like I'm saying that I was able to live alone and I can still do it. But deep inside, alam kong may kung ano sa loob ko ang nasira. Love? Trust? Forgiveness? I don't know.
Hindi ko na siya hinintay na magsalita. I turned my back and walk. Tuluy-tuloy lang ang pagluha. May iilang napapatingin sa akin but I tried walking straight, but no matter how I do it, my knees are still trembling. Napakapit ako sa pader and stop. I covered my face and started sobbing.
I remember, when dad taught me a piano piece. That River Flows In You piece, I was 4 then. As early as that age, sobrang taas ng pagtingin ko kay dad. He was my idol. He was my first love. He was my everything. But then things changed as I grew up.
Mom and him started arguing, every night. I entered piano school every summer to please dad para umuwi siya sa bahay although I know he's been busy working abroad or so I thought. He didnt go to my recital but I saw him in a parking basement with this kid. Carmela. I knew it was her. That girl, who has the same piece as mine during the piano recital. I thought it was just a coincident na pareho kami ng tinugtog, but little do I know, she was my dad's first daughter, my dad's first piano student, the first one to play River Flows In You. The first on everything..and me I was the second option.
"Maya!" I heard Troy's voice. I stop walking. I sat on a bench outside the hospital and stared at the sky. Umupo sa tabi ko si Troy.
"I'm sorry.." Troy said. Hindi ko alam kung para saan ang paghingi niya ng tawad.
"Maybe Brittany is right, maybe you are all right, na mang-aagaw ako."
"Maya, about what I said, I didn't mean that. It just so happen na..na hindi mo alam."
I shook my head and my tears strolled down my face again.
"I'm sorry Troy, hindi ko..hindi ko alam..hindi ko sinasadya, ku-kung alam ko lang sana..sana ako ang umiwas. I'm sorry because I just love him so much at hin-hindi ko alam kung paano o ano ang gagawin ko.."I sobbed.
"You know the right thing to do Maya. I have known you since we were young. I know you'll do what is the right thing to do."
"Hindi ba pwedeng ako naman Troy?" I sobbed. Nahihirapan na akong huminga but I also want to make a point. Na nasasaktan din ako!
"All my life..ako ang nagpaparaya. I gave you my dad. I gave Brittany my mom. What else can I fight for?! I've been alone and I'm sick and tired of this shit. Now that someone recognized me, loved me, bakit..bakit..ganito na naman? Am I that bad enough to deserve this? Bakit wala akong matawag na akin? Bakit lagi nalang dapat sa inyo? Pwede bang th-this time sa akin naman?"
"You can never have something that is not yours in the first place Maya. Ako sayo, kausapin mo na si Radicus. My mouth is sealed. I wont tell dad about this. Please Maya, do what is supposedly to be done. Don't make this worse. Huwag mo ng hintayin na malaman pa ito nila mom and Carmela, she needs Radicus." He said.
Nakatulala akong nakatingin sa ulap habang nasa loob ng taxi. Troy insisted driving me home pero hindi ako pumayag. I won't lie. Masama ang loob ko. Sa kanya, sa lahat, kay Radicus but I don't know if I'd have to put the same feeling towards the innocent Carmela. I have myself to blame as well.
Bumaba ako sa Mcdo para magpalipas ng oras. It's past 7pm and I didnt know where to go but somewhere as crowded as this fastfood. I want to forget whatever happened this day.
Radicus texted me several times. Tinatanong kung saan kami magkikita, he also asked if he can sleep with me later, he asked several things. I wonder
.if he feels something's off. Madalas kasing dumadaldal iyon sa text kapag nakakaramdam na may problema ako. My phone rang kaya nagulat ako. Radicus is calling, I didn't answer.
Inabot ako ng dalawang oras sa Mcdo. I just ordered some food to eat but my mind is too preoccupied. My phone is off because this time hindi lang si Rad ang tumatawag, maski si Prim at Troy.
"Ayusin niyo na yung mga tables! Ako na naman pinagtitripan niyo!" I heard someone blabbering. The voice is somewhat familiar kaya napatingin ako sa likod ko. I saw some staff and this guy in the middle na iba ang uniform sa mga staff. Nakatalikod ito sa akin but I have to say this guy has a back to admire.
"Lapitan mo na kasi boss!" I heard them say. Umiling ang lalaking nakagray uniform. He was about to turn his direction to me when I gazed away. I sighed.
Naririnig ko pa rin ang ingay nila and I'm quite sure they are talking about a woman na nandito lang sa loob ng fastfood. I roamed around my sight and I'm seeing a woman with a child, a man with his earphones on, two teenagers, and some group studying. So who among these are they talking about?
"Ma'am pwede na po ba itong linisin?" A crew asked referring to my mess on the table.
"Yes, thank you." I said.
"Ako na dyan Ron." Someone suddenly said. I almost gasped upon seeing this guy wearing a gray uniform. He's..he's handsome I should say. He has no foreign feature, matangos ang ilong, maganda ang ngiti, he's somewhat moreno or is it just because of the light? But he's a good catch. A real one. And he's familiar.
"Yon! Poporma na si boss Miko!" Napailing ang lalaking nakagray. I stared at his badge. Manager Miko Zed Samonte. Napaiwas ako ng tingin nang magtama ang mga mata namin. His smiles though...it has something that can make me smile too. Saan ko nga ba siya nakita before?
"Hi." He greeted me. Napatingin ako sa kanya. I smiled at him.
"Hi." I said. I smiled too. Lumingon ito sa mga crew na nakatingin sa amin.
"Ahm..Miko, Ako nga pala si Miko." Pagpapakilala nito. He extended his hand. Tinanggap ko naman ang kamay nito. I felt something with his touch. Something I cannot explain. It feels comfortable?
"Armaya, but Maya will do." I answered.
"Pasensya na, kanina ko pa kasi napapansin na mag-isa ka and..are you sick? Medyo mainit kasi yung kamay mo."
I almost forget na may sakit nga pala ako. Sa dami ng nangyari sa araw na ito. I feel like my whole body is drained.
"No. I'm fine. Paalis na rin naman ako. I just..need a place to unwind."
"So na-unwind ka naman sa crowded na fastfood?" He said and his smile flashed again. Tumango ako.
"Have we met before?" I asked.
"Yes. Siguro hindi mo ko naalala pero ako kasi naalala kita. Ikaw iyong nasa hospital kanina. Medyo nagkabungguan kasi tayo."
"Oh! Right. I remember. Kaya pala pamilyar ka." Tumango ito. We were silent for a moment. I feel like I want to talk more. But remembering how this day ended, nauumid nalang bigla ang dila ko. I just want to remain silent.
"Madalas ka ba dito?" He asked.
"Hindi. Sa Pasay pa kasi ako."
"I see. Two weeks palang din kasi ako dito. For that two weeks, ngayon lang ako nakakita ng kasing ganda mo."
"Yon! Si Boss oh!" Narinig kong hiyaw ng mga crew. Napailing nalang ako.
"Go back to work na. Kayo talaga!" Miko told the crew.
"Sorry." He said.
"Okay lang." I said. Inabot din ng kalahating oras na magkausap kami ni Miko. I found him so comfortable to talk with. Kinukwento niya ang mga karanasan niya sa pagiging bagong manager. Pansamantala kong nakalimutan ang mga bagay na nagpapalungkot sa akin.
But I know everything will turn back at its place pagkatapos nito. I gazed back at the fastfood. I saw Miko still looking at me through the glass window. I sighed. He's a fresh air to breath. Hindi ko inakalang mabilis gagaan ang loob ko sa ibang tao. Ganito naman talaga siguro kung naghahanap ka ng kakampi especially at this dark hour of my life. When I felt fooled by destiny.
11pm when I got home. Paglabas ko ng elevator ay si Radicus na nakatayo sa tapat ng unit ko ang nabungaran ko. Mabilis ang pagkabog ng puso ko. I blinked several times. How come someone you love can be your greatest downfall as well. Huminga ako ng malalim and composed myself.
He saw me walking towards him. His fist clenched. Kunot ang noo nitong nakatunghay sa akin. Pinilit kong ngumiti.
"Hi. Ka-kanina ka pa?" I asked.
"Where have you been? Kanina pa kita tinetext at tinatawagan. Did you turn off your phone? "
"Nalowbat kasi ako. Namasyal lang ako. I know you..you are busy every Friday kaya di na kita inabala."
"You should have told me!"
"I know. Sorry na po?" I said calmly. Pumasok ako sa loob ganoon din ang pagsunod nito. Uminom ako ng tubig. Nanatiling nakatayo sa harap ko si Radicus na tila inoobserbahan ang kilos ko.
"Maya, we have a problem right?" He asked.
"W-wala. Wala naman. I was just wondering if we could cuddle?" I said. As much as I want to add humor on my voice. Hindi ko nagawa. I always feel like crying. Parating sumasagi sa isip ko si Carmela.
Lumapit si Radicus and his hands cupped my face. He looked straight on my eyes.
"We could do more than cuddling Maya. I want more than that." He said.
"What--" I wasn't able to continue talking when his lips landed on mine. Naramdaman ko ang pag-angat ko. Tears strolled down my face. Tila nadadarang ako sa klase ng halik na ginagawad nito. I found myself responding. My legs are around his waist. Naramdaman ko ang pader sa aking likuran. My breathing hitched when his lips reached my neck. My head leaned on the wall.
Then he stop giving my neck wet kisses. Habol hininga rin ito. He kissed my collar bone. Then he stared at me again.
"Maya, please don't dare think of leaving me or giving me up." I gasped. I cupped his face and kissed his forehead.
"Ma-may dahilan ba para iwan kita?" I asked.
"I am so in love with you Maya. Just remember that whatever it is that I have in the past, it all doesn't matter. You are the one that is everything to me now."
I found myself nodding. I am so in love with him too. I couldnt imagine losing him. Nasanay na akong maramdaman na merong ibang nagmamahal sa akin, na nasa tabi ko siya para hawakan ang mga kamay ko at sabihin magiging maayos din lahat. With Radicus, I always feel that I'm not alone, that I will never be alone.
"I love you." I whispered. His lips crashed to mine. Mas naging agresibo ang halik nito. His tongue playing inside my mouth makes my head spin, I feel hotter. He showered my neck kisses while walking towards my room.
Hinalikan muli ako nito sa labi. He knelt on the bed para maihiga ako nito ng maayos. He trailed kisses on my ear down to my neck. I found myself giving him more access. I moaned.
Nanatili itong nakaluhod habang napagigitnaan ako ng mga tuhod nito. He unbuttoned his polo. I find him so hot. I touched his chest. I heard him cursed. Gusto kong mapangiti dahil sa reaksyon nito nang bumaba ang haplos ko sa abs nito. His abs..I know him having these, pero iba pala ang pakiramdam kapag hinawakan at ganito kalapit.
"No cuddling tonight baby.." he said. I heard his zipper. Napaiwas ako ng tingin. Hindi ako tumingin, I don't know if he's now naked or not but when I felt him again on my top with his bare chest, napalunok nalang ako.
He started kissing ny lips again. I was like hypnotized. I heartily responded with his kiss until I felt cold. Hindi ko na inisip kung wala na ba akong saplot or kung may naiwan pa. Radicus's body heat against mine makes me crazy.
His kiss went down my chest. I cursed. I bite my lip to supress my moan. His tongue reached the peak of my chest at ngayon alam kong nakahubad nga ako. Geez. He intertwined our fingers with his right hand. His left hand reached for my bossom. Fuck!
It was so sudden that I felt him kissing my downthere. He parted my legs and he was like so insatiable for a food and he didnt stop until I felt my release. He kissed my forehead.
"No cuddling Maya, you get it?" He asked me. He kissed me again. His lips just stayed on my mine. He's not moving.
"Breathe baby " he said. I winced in pain when I felt something between my legs. I nodded at him. Then he slowly moved. Nararamdaman ko parin ang sakit until pain turned to pleasure. Naramdaman ko rin ang pagbilis ng galaw nito. I heard him groaned. He cursed and he moved withdrawing his.
We were both panting for air. He fixed my hair na nagulo dahil na rin sa pawis. He kissed my forehead.
"I love you." He said. I was tired and so I nodded slowly. Madaling araw nang magising ako. Memories of Radicus with Carmela invaded my dream. I stared at Radicus sleeping soundly. Nakahiga ako sa braso nito. I kissed his cheeks and held his hand. Then I realized, I'm crying again. I don't this to be the last but I feel like this is gonna be the last..
Nahirapan akong pumasok sa school dahil sa puyat, sa sama ng pakiramdam at sakit ng yeah, iyon na yun. Radicus's size isnt a joke. We made love twice kaya siguro nanghihina pa rin ako. Sana lang hindi ito mahalata ni Prim. Ang dami pa namang alam ng isang iyon!
I was walking by the corridor when my phone rang. Radicus is calling.
"Baby, nasaan ka?"
"Nasa school, hindi na kita ginising kasi malelate na ako." I said.
"You should have wake me up. May sakit ka diba? Dapat di ka na pumasok and..I know you're still..tired." he said.
"Okay lang naman ako. Magkita nalang tayo later? Papasok ka diba?"
" Yes. Uh, I'll change your comforter?" He asked. I blushed.
"Ikaw ng bahala." I said.
"Okay.I'll see you later. I love you." He said.
"Maya.." he called my attention. I spaced out seeing a familiar car parking infront of the school gate..
"I-I love you." I said.
Ipinasok ko na sa bag ang phone ko. My forehead's knotted while staring at the familiar car. Bigla akong kinabahan at kinutuban ng masama lalo na ng makita ko si dad na lumabas mula rito. Lumapit ako para masigurong si dad nga iyon.
"Dad! W-what made you visit here?" I greeted him ngunit walang ngiti ako nitong sinalubong.
"We need to talk." He said. Napatingin din ako sa asawa nitong nasa loob ng sasakyan na masama na naman ang tingin sa akin. I think I know why.