I rolled onto my side, desperate for sleep and not allowing myself to resign to the fact that it would not be coming easily for me tonight. The seconds moved quickly by on the clock occupying my bedside table, informing me that yet another minute had passed. It was a noisy reminder of just how long I had been laying there, the ticking of the hands on the dial seemingly mocking me in an otherwise silent home.
My things were packed, aside from a few straggling boxes containing odds and ends awaiting shipment to their final destination. An overnight bag containing only my most essential items for travel was perched atop the dresser nearest my bedroom door, as if it would somehow need to be gathered in a last minute run out of the building. As I rolled onto my back and felt the warm tears escape from my closed eyes and roll down my cheeks, however, it became even more painfully apparent that there was no one coming to sweep me off of my feet but rather that I was fleeing out of desperation.
Hours after laying down, I admitted defeat. Clearly, sleep would not be coming for me tonight. I threw the over stuffed comforter off of my body and onto the rest of the sheets, now a messy wad from my tossing and turning. I sat up and as soon as my feet felt the floor beneath me, my body automatically directed me to the bay window with the wide ledge where I lazily perched myself for what I knew would be the last time in quite a while. This had always been one of my favorite places, secure in the stillness of my bedroom, watching the hustle and bustle of the city beneath me, the tranquility of the ocean meeting it somewhere in the distance and fading to black. I would really miss this spot, I thought, pulling my knees to my chest to keep myself warm in my nightgown against the cool California breeze.
Wandering over to the claw foot tub in the en suite, I turned the knob to warm and let a few drops of lavender splash into the water, sprinkling in a handful of epsom salts before exiting the room to pour myself a glass of wine while the bath drew. It was 4:30 in the morning but I seriously needed something to take the edge off, plus the bottle was already open, I told myself, unsure why I felt the need to justify my own actions to no one.
Removing my robe, I placed a toe in to test the temperature and then lowered my body into the water, relaxing immediately. Taking a larger than average sip of my drink, I lay back and closed my eyes only to face the inevitable in my mind. Every time I'd had a few minutes to let my thoughts wander the past few months, all of the awful things that had happened between he and I came to the forefront and played through my head like highlight reel of the lowest points in my life. The screaming, the tears, the things that were said that neither of us meant- but that neither of us are able to take back or able to forget. Damnit, I cursed myself for allowing my mind to go there again.
We had never held back in our emotions, for the good or the bad. When you love each other with everything you have, as fiercely as we did- or do, if I'm being honest with myself- it comes with the powerful ability to hurt each other in the deepest sense. When we fight were like fire and gasoline, and we know how to hurt each other to the very core. This last last time it had gone farther than it ever had before, though. We had always been able to reconcile but, no, this- this was different. He left. Don't get me wrong, I'm not innocent in this; I said and did some things that I wish I could take back, but at the end of it all, given the option, I would have grabbed him and pulled him close to me and never let go. But that's not what he wanted- he never came for me. And while I'm not sure that I'm ever going to get over it, or that I ever want to, I have to try and move on because it's becoming pretty apparent that he's really done this time.
The water eventually lost its warmth so I flipped the drain and wrapped myself in a warm, fluffy towel, approaching the large double vanity that held the handful of toiletries I hadn't yet packed. The dawn was just beginning to break and the first light of the day slowly started to pour in through the windows. I wiped the fog from a small patch on my mirror and studied my reflection; I was visibly exhausted. I critiqued myself as every woman has the tendency to do, noticing the dark circles that stood out under my tired, puffy eyes. And while I wasn't thrilled with what I saw in the reflection I had to admit it was an improvement over the absolute trainwreck that had stated back at me six weeks prior.
Glancing at the clock, I gently rubbed some moisturizer into my skin a pulled my hair up into a loose bun. Quickly dressing myself in a comfortable pair of leggings and an oversized top, I gathered the bag waiting for me on my way downstairs and slid my oversized sunglasses onto the bridge of my nose in an effort to hide my current state of emotional vulnerability.
My assistant was waiting for me with a warm cup of tea and a friendly smile, knowing better than to say what we both knew she was thinking about this whole situation. Grabbing her own belongings, she followed me to the waiting car and we rode in silence to the airport. I quickly curled up in a seat on the privately chartered airplane and pulled a cashmere throw over myself, letting the hum of the engines lull me to sleep as they wisked me away to my new beginning.
I've thrown caution to the wind with actual events and dates on this one... Completely playing God with history. Hope
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