After my half-day class ay naisipan kong pumunta ng cake shop. Today is Mela's birthday. Kahit naman hindi kami ganoon kaclose bilang magkapatid, nagkaroon naman kami ng pagkakataon maging magkaibigan noong mga bata pa kami.
Troy said hindi pa pupwedeng lumabas ng hospital si Carmela. Gusto lang talaga ni dad icelebrate ng sabay ang birthdays namin. I don't have any issue with that kaya lang..I just don't want to let my insecurities grow. She's the first daughter and she gets all the attention of my dady. I don't want to end the day tomorrow na puro comparisons ang ginagawa ko.
"Armaya!!" Nilingunan ko si Prim na naglalakad patungo sa akin all with full of grace. She flipped her hair and fixed her straight hair well sabay nagpaypay ng sarili.
"Ano na? Tagal ng ritual ha!"
"Saglit. Hinihingal ako." she answered. Nang maayos na siya ay kumapit siya sa braso ko at nagtuloy kaming maglakad.
"Anong balak mo bukas?" She asked. I rolled my eyes.
"Wala."
"Anong wala?! Birthday mo bukas! Ang araw na ipinanganak ka. Ang araw na nadagdagan ng maganda gaya ko." Napailing nalang ako sa sinasabi ng isang ito.
"You know I don't get plans kapag birthday ko. I just want it to be solemn. Gusto kong magpahinga lang and do something ordinary. That's just it."
"Hindi ka man lang magpapancit?"
"Saan mo nakuha yang linya na yan?"
She shrugged.
"Kay Riley, favorite niya pancit e. Anyway! So wala kang plano bukas. Dinner nalang tayo!" I squinted my eyes on her. She didnt call him kuya. Close na sila? Something's fishy.
"Sige okay lang. Plain dinner is fine. No surprises." I said. She frowned.
"Oo na. Plain. Saan ka pupunta?"
"Sa cake shop. I' buy something for Carmela. Today is her birthday."
"Gising na ba?"
"Troy said oo, pero hindi pa pwedeng lumabas ng hospital. "
"Ah. Magkasunod pala kayo ng birthday? Ang galing ni Tito Rico ha, in all fairness sa daddy mo. February ang favorite month niya, buti hindi naging sa monday ang birthday ni Troy?"
"Prim!" I warned her. Sumimangit naman ito. Ome thing I like about Prim, siya itong sumasalo ng dapat emosyon ko. Siya kasi itong naiinis sa daddy ko.
"I'm just saying. Bueno, mauuna na ako. Bukas ha!" nakipagbeso ito sa akin saka na tumakbo na naman paalis. What's with running? Pwede namang maglakad nalang. Hinihingal tuloy siya.
Matapos kong bumili ng cake ay dumiretso na ako sa hospital kung saan nakaadmit si Mela. Sinadya kong hindi magpasabi kahit kay Troy or dad tungkol sa pagdalaw ko. I texted Troy yesterday kung saan ang hospital ni Mela, he said sasamahan niya ako pero hindi ko sinabing ngayon ako pupunta.
I fished out my phone. Ngayon ko lang nasilip ang phone ko. Radicus texted twice. Just twice. Tinatanong nito kung nakapasok ako ng school. I haven't seen him this morning. Kagabi kasi ay late na rin kaming nakatulog.
I can't help but smile with the thought of him. Radicus always makes me feel secured sa relationship namin. I just realized nitong nagdaan para akong nangangapa sa dilim na lahat ng bagay iniisipan ko ng kung ano. This is not good. Lately, bumabalik na naman ang mga alaala kung kailan nagsimulang maghiwalay ang mga magulang ko. Sa tuwing darating ang birthday ko ganito ako.
May ganoon palang klase ng alaala. Iyon bang tipong nakakalimutan mo na, nakasanayan mo ng wala or nakasanayan mo ng tanggapin pero may darating na oras na bigla nalang itong papasok sa isip and it leaves a great impact. Emotilnally.
I replied to Radicus saka ako napatingin ng diretso sa daan only for my forehead to knot. I think I saw Radicus passed by? Napalingon ako sa likod ko para hanapin siya pero wala naman akong nakita. My feet are moving kahit pa nakalingon ako sa likod. Maybe I'm hallucinating?
"Oh! I'm sorry!" I exclaimed nang naramdaman kong may nabangga ako.
"Okay lang miss. Sa susunod tumingin ka nalang sa dinaraan mo. Sorry din." Saka ako napatingin ng diretso sa mata ng lalaking nagsalita. He's all smiles and I can't help but smile too.
"Pasensya na talaga, ano kasi, akala ko may nakita akong kakilala." Hindi ko napigilang usisain ang mukha nito.
He's a typical guy. No foreign feauture pero siya iyong tipong matatawag mo ring gwapo in an instant. Moreno ito, matangkad, matangos ang ilong, at maganda ang ngiti, Nakakahawa.
I smiled at him.
"Si-sige. Sorry ulit." Paalam ko dito. Geez. His smiles isnt legit. Napalingon ako muli sa lalaki at nakita kong sabay pa kaming napalingon. He smiled at me, I did the same bago muling umiwas ng tingin. That was awkward!
Pumunta na ako sa information desk ng hospital.
"Excuse me miss, I'm looking for Carmela Rivera."
"I'll check lang po ma'am. Are you a relative?"
"Yes. I'm Armaya Nikolai Rivera, her..sister." Alangang sagot ko. Dad and his security I guess. Alam kong may shares si dad sa hospital na ito kaya ganito nalang kahigpit kahit sa mga visitors.
"Okay na po ma'am. Carmela Marie Rivera is in room 306." I nodded at her.
Pagpasok ko ng elevator ay saka ako napaisip kung saan at kailan ko huling narinig ang pangalang Marie. I wasn't able to think further dahil bumukas na rin ang elevator.
Huminga ako ng malalim. I'm just so lucky and glad na mukhang wala pa sila dad or ang asawa nito or si Troy. Pinihit ko ang seradula and I gasped as I saw Carmela lying on the bed. I sighed in relief knowing she's asleep. May iilang aparato parin ang nakakabit sa kanya pero mas kaunti na kaysa noon.
Yes, this isn't the first time I saw her. Nasa ibang hospital siya noon. Ang alam ko ay mid September 2014 nang maganap ang isang malaking road accident kung saan kasama si Carmela.
On her first month staying in the hospital alam kong comatosed na siya, I visited her only to see dad holding her hands while crying. That was a heartbreaking scene on my part because dad never shed a tear when he left me and mom. Hindi niya ako pinaghinayangang iwanan.
Ipinatong ko sa mesa ang cake na binili ko sa mesa. I stared at her face but I focused on her eyes.
When I met her in my piano school, one thing I am fond looking at her is her eyes at ang mahahabang pilik-mata nito until I realized, we have the same eyes. Mahahaba din ang mga pilik-mata ko. Prim said we both have expressive eyes.
"Happy Birthday Mela. I wish you a good health now, make our dad happy again. I may have not known you as my sister, but as a friend, I hope you finally get well. Soon." I said.
Hindi rin ako nagtagal sa hospital. Narealize kong hindi ko pa siya kayang kausapin. Hindi ko naman kasi alam ang sasabihin ko. There are things that I can just get used to but I can never accept easily. I am used to having half-siblings around but it wasn't that easy to accept on my part.
"Happy Birthday!!" I groaned in irritation when Prim called me at exactly 12am! She made my birthday an effin New Year!
"Prim you're unbelievable." I said. I yawned. Naalimpungatan ako at ngayon ko lang napansin na sa sofa pala ako nakatulog. Bukas ang tv na nakatulugan ko na pala.
"I know right!" She said.
"Where do you get such energy in tbe middle of this time? Nang-aaswang ka ba?"
"Bitch! Porke gising ng ganitong oras nang-aaswang? I made myself awake for you! Wala man lang bang thank you Prim you're the best, the prettiest, the gorgeous friend ever dyan?" She said. Tinawanan ko ito.
"Mabigat bang magbuhat ng sariling bangko at sa akin mo na pinapabuhat ngayon?"
"Err Maya! You know I can't understand such words of wisdom. Am I the first one to greet you?" She asked.
Bigla akong natigilan. Not that I was expecting Rad be the first pero siguro naman aware siyang birthday ko? And today is Valentines Day. This is the first Valentines na may boyfriend ako.
"Nakikipag-unahan ka ba?" I asked.
"Lols. Of course. Baka maunahan ako ng Troy Atkins! Alam mo naman ang isang iyon."
Matapos mang-istorbo ni Prim ay hindi na ako nakabalik sa pagtulog. I made myself busy by checking out my notifs and I was right. Hindi ko pa kilala ang ilan sa mga bumabati. I got several messages too. A friend request caught my attention. Rios Alcantara. I accepted it. Fan goal!
Nagbukas din ako ng twitter and I almost rolled over laughing at Prim's tweet. Si Prim talaga!
Make Armaya Nikolai's Birthday a trend. #HappyBdayMaya
And I was surprised to see that Ethan followed me too. Stalker! Pero fan goal talaga.
But of all the greetings I have read, hindi ko mapigilang madisappoint. Those that I'm expecting a lot to remember my day seems to forget it. Mom who's busy with her vacation with Tito Brad, Dad who's busy with his own family and Radicus na hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi nagpaparamdam.
Light stroked my face from the window. Hindi ko namalayang nakatulog na pala ako sa mesa. Tumayo na ako at nag-ayos. Magsisimba ako today. I checked my phone and it doubles the pain to see that Radicus didnt text me.
I grabbed my shoulder bag and leave my phone on the center table.
I always feel at ease whenever I enter the church. Noong bata pa ako malapit lang sa isang simbahan ang bahay namin. I always go there to thank God for everyday hanggang sa iba na ang ipinupunta ko. I always cry inside the church and ask Him why do my parents need to separate. Why can't we just be together forever?
I smiled at everyone saying peace be with you. Matapos magsimba ay dumaan ako sa cake shop para bumili ng cake. I bought all of my favorites this day!
I was cooking my favorite pasta recipe when Manang and Tatay Meng called to greet me. I was so happy chatting with them na muntik pang masunog ang niluluto ko.
"Troy?" Inipit ko sa gitna ng tenga at balikat ko ang phone habang nag-aayos ng pagkain.
"Happy Birthday Maya. I hope you'll.come here this night? Dad is expecting you" he said. Bakit hindi si dad ang personal na kumausap sa akin?
"May lakad ako this night Troy. Nag-aya kasi si Prim." Natahimik ito sa kabilang linya.
"Okay. I'll see you later." He said. Hindi ko naintindihan ang sinabi nito dahil.binaba niya na rin ang tawag.
Another call came and I jumped my bed para lang maabot ito. Galing kasi ako ng banyo at nakatapis lang ako ng tuwalya.
"Mommy!" I answered.
"I called you several times anak! Bakit di.mo simasagot?"
"Nagsimba po kasi ako."
"Ganoon ba. Happy Birthday Maya, what gift do you want? Pasensya na at wala kami ng Tito Brad mo dyan. Nag-iisa nga lang din si Brit sa bahay. " She said.
"Okay lang my kahit ealang gift. Mag-iingat po kayo ni Tito. "
"Have you talked to your dad? He's asking me to convince you na pumunta sa gathering anyway he made it for you and Carmela."
"I-ah, kasi mom nag-aya na po si Prim." Pagdadahilan ko. Mom ddint know that dad slapped me last Christmas. Hindi rin niya alam na ayaw sa akin ng asawa ni dad. I refused to tell her para wala ng gulo. Wala din namang mangyayari. Mabuti sana kung magkakabalikan sila pero hindi. It will just get worse. Ako parin ang apektado.
"You should bond with your dad sometimes Maya. Baka nagtatampo na yun."
"I..I will mom. I will. I have to go, I have something to get done here pa kasi." I said.
"Okay. Happy Birthday anak. I love you."
"I love you mom." I answered. Nanatili akong nakahiga sa kama.
Night came. No signs of Radicus too. Inisip ko nalang na dati naman ay nakakasurvive ako ng birthday plus valentines day ng walang boyfriend. Might as well get used to this too. Malapit na rin kasi ang defense nila ng thesis baka busy siya?
"Prim! I'm here. Wala naman tao? Close ata?" I said. Nasa harap ako ng isang restaurant na walang tao at dim ang mga ilaw. I think they are already close?
"Pasok ka! Nandito na ako sa loob." Prim said. Kumunot ang noo ko at pumasok na rin. Or maybe..ganito talaga ang set up ng resto? May mga sumasalubong naman sa guests nagkataon lang na ako lang ang guest.
"This way ma'am."
"Thank you." I said
I smiled when I saw some familliar photos of me na nakasabit sa mga yarns. Sa beach, my piano recital, noong intrams, noong naghiking kami ni Prim, noong 18th birthday ko, sa school. All photos of me and Prim together laughing like fools.
Noong namatay ang kambal ni Prim, ako na kasi ang naging subject niya sa mga photoshoots and stolen shots niya. She's a good photographer. She loves cameras. Kaya ganito karami ang mga litrato ko!
I restrained myself from crying. Geez Prim. You never fail to make me cry kapag birthday ko. I saw this familliar photo. This was when I cried out loud when my parents are officially separated. I told her that I need time alone and she stepped away. Akala ko iniwan talaga niya ako, iyon pala kinukuhanan na ako ng picture!
Nagulat ako nang may mga magsimulang kumanta ng Happy Birthday. "Mga"? Marami sila! Although nangingibabaw ang matinis na boses ni Prim. Then the lights started to become brighter. I gasped when I saw some of my classmates wearing a birthday hat. Si Prim ang may dala ng cake.
"Happy Birthday Maya!!" Tili ni Prim. She kissed my cheeks. They let me blow the candle and wished. I did not wishe though. I just close my eyes and keep this memory in my mind. I will never forget this day.
The dinner was fun. Ngayon ko lang nalaman na isang linggo na palang inasikaso ni Prim ito with the help of her parents.
"Maya."
"Troy!" My eyes widen when I saw Troy. Matatapos na ang party kaya nagulat ako.
"Bakit ka nandito?" Tanong ni Prim.
"I just want to greet you personally. Happy Birthday." He said. He reached for my hand and gave me a box na alam kong anklet ang laman. I've been fond of anklets ever since and Troy used to witness it.
"Thank you! I mean..how..tapos na ba yung?"
"Yes. Katatapos lang. It could have been better kung dumalo ka." He said. Nakikita ko ang pagod sa mga mata nito. He must be tired sa gathering tapos bumyahe pa siya dito.
"Sorry." I said. He tap my head.
"Okay lang. Anything for you." He said
I just smiled.
Bago kami magkahiwalay ni Prim ay tinanong pa niya ako tungkol kay Radicus. I didnt know what to answer. Iniwasan kong madisappoint sa araw na to kaya hindi na ako nag-isip ng posibleng dahilan kung bakit walang paramdam si Rad.
Inayos ko lang ang mga naiwan kong kalat at saka ako nag-ayos para matulog. I got gifts na pinadeliver kanina. I know it was from dad. Iniwan ko lang ito sa living room at pumasok na sa kwarto. I tried calling Radicus. Hindi ito sumasagot. Dalawang beses ko iyong ginawa. When I got tired, I left him a message. I just sent him I love you.
11:50, when my phone buzzed
Nakatulugan ko na pala ang paghihintay ng reply niya.
I love you and I'm so sorry babawi ako bukas. Mahal na mahal kita Maya. Sleep well baby.
I found myself staring blankly on the screen. Then I sighed. I guess I won't get a normal day without feeling this pain.