Dean's POV
"Dean?"
"Hmm?" I replied. I look over at Cas, to see what he wanted. As I watched him, he sat up and put a hand behind my neck. It felt as though my heart skipped enough beats to consider me dead. He was going to kiss me. Oh, my God he was going to kiss me, I thought. He leaned forward slightly, as if asking if it was okay. I didn't say anything, nor did I nod. I didn't want to ruin it. I didn't move away either, so he must have understood that I wanted him to kiss me. He leaned more and I could feel his breath on my lips.
At that moment, my breathing became uneven. Unable to wait any longer, I put my hand on his back and immediately he pressed his lips against mine. That was a feeling I know I will never forget. I kissed back. The kiss itself wasn't powerful - on the contrary, it was sweet- but the meaning behind it was.
I pulled away and rested my forehead against his. I sighed, so he asked, "What's wrong?"
I leaned backwards and smiled at him, "Nothing. Nothing at all. Its just, I've wanted to do that for a while."
In reply, he smiled at me and nodded, whispering, "Me too."
~~~~~~
The next few days were good. Cas was let out of the hospital. His older brother had the choice to send him to a mental institution to get further more help, but they didn't feel the need to do so. He had to attend therapy every few days though. He had asked me to go to therapy with him today and of course, I complied. We were driving there right now.
"Hey, you okay?" I asked, glancing at him.
He nodded, continuing to stare out the window. "I have a feeling I'm going to remember today..." He said.
I was confused. "Isn't that a good thing?"
He shrugged. "Depending on who's perspective you look at it. For everyone else, its great. They'll know what happens so they can finally get me specific help. I'm not necessarily looking forward to it. Somethings are just better being left in the dark, and to me, this is one of things. Obviously, it was, call it heartbreaking, to me enough to get me to do that, so I don't really want to remember it."
I didn't respond, though I could understand why he felt that way. I, for one, would love to know why he jumped. Well, as I recall, alcohol had something to do with it, because I could hear it in his voice, and the hospital had established he was highly intoxicated with vodka. So what propelled him to drink? I knew he was rebellious and reckless, but I didn't know it was to that extent.
The rest of the drive was in silence, but it only took about five minutes to drive to the psychiatrist office.
After we got out of my car, we began our walk to the doors. It was a very short distance, but it felt like forever. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it for reassurance. "It's okay," I told him.
We stood in front of the receptionist's desk, and since Cas didn't speak up, I did. "Appointment for Castiel Novak." The woman nodded, and looked at her computer.
"Mrs. Hooley will be with you in a few minutes," She said. I thanked her, and walked with Cas to the chairs. Well, I suppose 'walked' isn't a sufficient verb. More like 'dragged'. It was evident that he didn't want to be here. Honestly, I didn't blame him. If the positions were switched, he would do the same for me.
He put his head on my shoulder and whimpered. "Do we really need to be here?"
"Yes, Cas, and you know it. I know it sucks, I understand, but it's for your own good. It'll be better if you know. I know it doesn't seem like the best option, but it is. If it weren't necessary, I wouldn't make you do it."
He huffed and sat up straight, letting go of my hand, and shoving his in his sweater pocket. "Oh, c'mon don't be that way. I don't like seeing you like this."
"If you didn't like seeing me like this, then we could walk out those doors and never walk back."
I chuckled, leaned over, planting a kiss on his forehead, and said, "I'm sorry but you know I won't do that."
He looked at me with pleading eyes, in a final attempt to win me over, and honestly, it would have worked, but I told myself I wouldn't do it. I shook my head and gave him a sad smile. "It'll be okay. I promise," I said. "When I promise something, I never go back on it."
He didn't reply. I'm not sure if he believed me. I know a few people have said something like that to me and done the exact opposite, but I wasn't lying. It would be okay. I don't care what I have to do to make sure he's okay.
Minutes later, a tall woman with a white blouse and black pencil skirt walked into the waiting room, calling, "Castiel Novak."
I stood up, and grabbed Cas' hand forcing him to stand up too. Reluctantly, he walked with me into the room the woman, Mrs. Hooley, was leading us to.
As we entered the room, we were engulfed in a mass of white and black. The walls the floors the bookshelves were white, and most of the other things, the desks, the arm chairs, were white. "Please," she said. "Have a seat. You can call me Carolyn if that would make things more comfortable."
"So which of you is Castiel?" She asked inquisitively.
"I am," Cas said, raising his hand slightly. He pointed at me and said, "This is my friend Dean." Friend? Ouch. I mean, I guess we weren't officially anything more than that but honestly, that kinda hurt.
She smiled and stood up, holding her hand to shake. Cas made no attempt to shake her hand, so, not wanting to make anything more uncomfortable than it already was, I shook with her.
This was the 3 shrink Cas had seen since he got out of the hospital. None of the other ones gave him the help he needed. Fortunately, she knew the issues since she communicated with the other therapists.
"So where shall we begin?"
"You tell me. You're the professional here." Cas snapped back at her. I don't think he meant to be rude, but he was. Carolyn was taken aback by his notion. "O-okay. Well, lets start by asking what was the last thing you remember."
Cas rolled his eyes, but began speaking. "I remember being at Dean's house with his brother Sam, and my brother Gabriel. We were playing video games. I remember leaving around 10, and driving home but no further than that."
"Alright. We'll work from there."
~~~~~~
"Close your eyes and try to remember that day," Carolyn said. Cas complied. "Now tell me, what do you see?"
"I see... My classroom. I'm sitting in English class. I'm bored out of my mind. I'm barely paying attention. It was only twenty minutes into the class. In my mind, everything is peaceful. Until..."
"Until what?" She prompted.
"Until I get a text..." It seemed as though realization struck my best friend. His body visibly tensed up, and his eyes opened abruptly.
"What does the text say? C'mon Castiel, you're almost there."
I could see tears brimming along her eyes. "Its from my girlfriend. Its a nude photo with the caption of 'Can't wait for tonight, Andrew. You excited as I am?'. That day, I asked her on a date, but she said she was feeling sick. She wasn't sick... She was cheating on me."
Sympathy was plastered all over Mrs. Hooley's face. I could tell she was reluctant to do so, considering how it seemed to effect Cas, but she pushed on. "What did you do then?"
"I grabbed my bag and ran out of the class. I jumped in my car and drove to her house. Her mother opened the door, and told me I could go to my girlfriends room. I open the door and she's there... with some other guy. Without saying anything, I leave, and go to my house. Luckily, no one was there. I remember heading straight for the liquor cabinet." Cas laughed dryly. "I must have drank half of that cabinet. After I convinced myself to stop drinking, I got into my car and drove. At the time, I had no idea where I was going. I was just driving. I stopped at the dam, and without a second thought, I got out of my car, I went to the ledge... and I jumped."
The rest of the evening was mainly Carolyn talking about what she was thinking about diagnosing him with and prescribing him with, and Cas tuning out almost everything she said.
Thinking about it now, I don't blame him for not wanting to remember. If I were in his position, I wouldn't have either.