Pasalampak akong naupo sa sofa matapos kong mailagay sa lamesa ang mga pinamili ko. After school, I went to grab groceries. Nawalan na kasi ako ng stocks ng popcorn. I will be needing it lalo na't nalalapit na ang Christmas break.
Today is Friday at hindi na ako magugulat kung maya-maya ay iflood na ako ng threatening messages ni Prim lalo na't ngayon ang celebration niya ng birthday sa isang kilalang bar.
Which is what I am actually escaping. I greeted her many times this morning, gave her my gift pero walang palya ang pagpapaalala nito na dumalo ako. Okay lang naman sa akin, it's just that, I don't like bars and I don't know any of her 'other' friends. Aminado naman akong may pagkaintrovert ako minsan.
I am not capable of making a lot friends. Probably because I got traumatized with my childhood.
Naging mindset ko na huwag ipilit ang sarili sa mga taong hindi naman lumalapit. I only have Prim as my bestfriend, dahil kalog ito at siya ang naunang makipagkaibigan sa akin.
But why Radicus? He seems aloof. Snob. Intimidating.
Speaking of Radicus, I think he went out. Nakita ko siya kaninang pumasok sa isang itim na trailblazer. I can't help but think he might visit the cemetery again. Ang swerte talaga ng nobya nito. Mayroong gaya ni Radicus na nagmamahal sa kanya.
Unlike me.
Nagsimula akong maghanap ng pupwede kong panoorin. I end up choosing Avengers instead. I love Marvel movies! Isa sa mga relaxation ko ang manood ng marvel heroes.
Naupo ako as I started chewing popcorn. Hindi na ako nakapagbihis. I am just wearing a ripped shorts and a fitted white blouse. Nakapatong pa sa center table ang isa kong paa.
Damn Captain America!
I am hooked by the movie na halos hindi ko namalayang alas-otso na ng gabi. I haven't eaten my dinner but I am really not planning to.
I grabbed my phone vibrating continuously on the center table, sigurado akong tawag ito.
Not minding who might be the caller, I answered it.
"Hello--"
"Armaya. " I froze when I heard that familiar voice plus that tone. I closed my eyes. Damn!
"D-dad..Kumusta po?"
"A green card? Seriously?" I know that tone. He's hiding his irritation. Paulit-ulit akong napahilot ng sentido.
I am starting to hate that professor! He gave me a green card out of a nonsense reason! I tried explaining him, he did not believe me! I accepted the detention instead, almost kneel infront of him just to not tell dad about this!
And this! Now what?! Isa sa mga ayaw ko ay mayroong ganitong moment kami ni dad kung saan bigla-bigla siyang nagkakaroon ng pakealam sa akin just because he noticed my mistake! A very small mistake!
I sighed.
"Dad..it's nothing." I just answered. Napatayo ako at napunta sa harap ng ng sink.
"What is this this time? Late? Cutting classes? Peer pressure?" He asked more but I kept my silence.
Magsusumbong na lang ang professor na iyon hindi pa niya sinabi kung bakit ako nadetain! Great! Now I am having a tough time explaining dad why I got such fucking card when all I just did is return a damn ballpen!
And yes! Dad thinks I am a rebellious daughter! Like duh? Sira na ang buhay ko dahil sa kanila, sisirain ko pa sa pagrerebelde?
"Dad..hindi naman po ganoon, It was all a misunderstanding. Hindi naman po--"
"Hindi kita pinag-aral at hinayaang maging independent para lang magloko Armaya. Ni hindi mo na nga magawang dalawin ang Tita Olivia mo dito. You and your pride is making you worst. I should have talked to your mom na marahil ay sinusulsulan ka na naman. If she's tolerating your attitude, hindi uubra sa akin yan! Bakit hindi ka gumaya sa mga kapatid mo? "
"Dad.." I want to stop him. Tell him how I feel with his stabbing words. This is what I hate the most. Hindi nito narinig ang mahinang pakiusap ko.
"Why can't you just say sorry Armaya? At gusto mong ako talaga ang unang tumatawag sayo! Where's your respect? Ama mo parin ako--"
"Dad!" Bahagyang napataas ang boses ko. I swear! I didn't mean to. But enough is enough. Halos manlamig na ang sikmura ko sa mga naririnig ko. He is always like this!
"Pa-pagod na po kasi ako. I-I'm sorry, hindi nalang po mauulit."
A long silence surrounded us.
"Just make sure kundi ipapadala na talaga kita sa America kapag hindi ka pa nagtino." He said before turning off the phone.
Pagod akong napaupo at napayuko. I felt and even tasted the tears that strolled down my face.
Am I not really enough? Kailangan ba talagang ikumpara ako sa mga anak niya kay Beatriz?
I harshly wiped off my tears when I heard my phone rang. Huminga ako ng malalim at pinakalma ang sarili bago ito sagutin.
"Prim--"
"Bruha! Anong petsa na? Don't you dare snob my invitation bitch! Nakakainis ka ah! Where the hell are you??" Prim shouted.
Naririnig ko ang maingay na musika sa background. She's probably out chilling in the bar!
"Prim! I'm sorry--"
"DON'T! Pumunta ka dito! It's either you go here or I'll ask Troy to drag you here!" Nanlaki ang nga mata ko.
Oh no not Troy! Ngayong kakakausap lang namin ni dad baka mapagbuntunan ko ng inis ang isang iyon.
"Fine! I'm coming. Saan ba yan?" I asked kahit pa ang totoo ay alinlangan parin ako.
"I'll send you the details. Pumunta ka ha! Come on! Stop hiding, chill out! Masyado ka ng boring. May mga ipapakilala ako sayo. You won't be out of place I promise!"
"Okay. Happy Birthday."
"Sige. Drive safely!" She said.
Napairap nalang ako. Maybe she's right. I need to chill. Buong buhay ko parati ko nalang gustong ipakita kay daddy na mabuti akong anak. I always act to impress him. Parati kong iniisip kung anong masasabi niya tungkol sa akin.
What do I always get? Disappointment.
I don't have any idea what to wear in a bar so I ended wearing a black fitted v-neck blouse and a slim fit gray jeans a navy blue converse chucks. I tied my blue flannel around my waist.
Definitely not for bar hopping but I am way comfortable with this. I can even imagine Prim wearing short fitted dress. It's her thing. Not mine.
Nagtaxi ako. When I reached the venue halos umatras ako sa dami ng nakikita kong mga tao. It's creeping the hell out of me how these people enjoy loud music, drinking, smoking and making out!
Eksakto namang tumawag si Prim para sabihing na nasa secons floor sila.
I can already see her with her killer heels and a red dress. Napailing nalang ako.
"Happy Birthday Prim!" Bati ko. Napayakap ito sa akin. Tuwang-tuwa kasi napilit akong magbar.
"May ipapakilala pala ako sayo!" Kumunot ang noo ko nang hilahin ako nito.
"Joseph!" May tinawag itong isang matangkad na lalaki. Clean cut, pointed nose wearing a creepy smile, and a black casual suit.
"Prim! Thanks for inviting us here." He said. Napatingin ito sa akin. I gaze on a different direction. I don't find him comfortable to stare at.
"Oh! This is Armaya Rivera!" Prim said. Siniko ako nito kaya bapilitan akong tumingin sa lalaki. Ngayon ko lang napansin na may mga kasama rin itong nakatingin lang din sa amin. Pinilit kong ngumiti.
"Siya si Joseph Santos, siya yung nanghihingi ng number mo nung nakaraan kaso hindi mo binigay! You guys might want to be friends!" Prim said.
"Hi. Ang ganda mo pala talaga kahit sa malapitan." Joseph extended his hand. Inabot ko ito at bahagya akong natigilan ng pisilin nito iyon. Ibinaba ko kaagad ang kamay ko.
"These are my friends." Turo nito tatlong lalaking nasa likuran nito. Tipid akong ngumiti.
Nanatili akong nanunod sa mga nagsasayawan. I only have margarita which I usually drink sa bahay lang. The whole idea of staying here is not bad after all.
Tawa ako nang tawa nang makita kung paano magsayaw si Prim. She invited me to dance but I refused. Maya-maya ay nagpaalam ako para pumunta ng comfort room.
I washed my face and stared myself through the mirror.
Nang makalabas ako ay napaatras ako nang tumambad sa akin si Joseph na may nakakakilabot na ngisi.
"Maya.."
"H-hi."
Napalingon ito sa likod at hindi ko nagustuham ang pagngiti nito sa mga kasama.
"Ano kasi..I just want to be friends with you? Sana.."
"Ah..o-okay lang naman. Sige, babalik na ako baka hinahanap na ako ni Prim--"
Halos mapatalon ako nang hawakan nito ang braso ko. Umatras pa ako lalo.
"Teka lang. Gusto ka rin sana makilala ng masinsinan ng mga kaibigan ko. Can you join us for a while?"
"Hindi na kasi pauwi na rin ako." I said.
"Please?" He said.
"Fuck! Get your hands off me!" I suddenly cursed and shouted. Naramdaman ko kasi ang kamay nito na bumababa mula sa likuran ko.
"Feisty! Yan naman talaga ang gusto namin sayo--"
"Maya?" Halos matumba ako sa kinatatayuan ko nang marinig ko ang boses ni Prim. Agad akong lumayo kayla Joseph at hinarap si Prim.
"Ayos ka lang?" Tanong nito.
I don't want to ruin her birthday.
"Prim. I need to go home. Medyo masama kasi ang pakiramdam ko. "
"Osige! Hindi ka kasi sanay sa ganito. Thank you ha! I'm sorry napilit kita, di mo ko matiis eh!" Tawa pa nito. I hug her.
Mabilis akong lumabas para mag-abang ng taxi. I was stomping my feet while hugging myself.
Bigla akong kinabahan nang may tumigil na sasakyan sa harap ko at lalong mas nangilabot nang makita ang pagngisi ni Joseph.
"Maya! Need a ride?" He asked.
"Hindi na. May sundo ako." I lied. I should have called Tatay Meng! Or should have asked Prim to drive me kung ayaw ko lang sanang masira ang celebration nito!
"Hindi na. Okay lang talaga-" napahinto ako at dumoble ang kaba nang may maramdaman akong lalaki sa likuran ko. He smells like alcohol and smoke. I know I'm in trouble.
"Isakay mo na yan Pete." Joseph commanded.
Nagpumiglas ako nang pilitin ako ng lalaki na pumasok sa loob ng sasakyan. I tried shouting but the guy named Pete covered my mouth. My tears strolled down my face. The guy smells me like an addict. Napapiksi ako.
"Hush now babe..mag-eenjoy ka sa gagawin natin." Another guy said. The three guys and Joseph.
"Parang awa niyo na..please..pa-pakawalan niyo na a-ako." I pleaded.
Impit akong napatili nang maramdaman ang pagdila nito sa leeg ko. I felt the car stop in a dark place. Maraming puno at walang gaanong dumadaan.
I tried scratching the guy's face when he tried kissing me on my lips. May humawak sa kamay ko para pigilan. Naramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng pawis ko dahil nagsisiksikan sila dito sa loob ng sasakyan.
I kicked the other guy and was able to open the car door. Halos madapa ako sa semento nang makalabas but to my despair someone grabbed my hair harshly.
Kinaladkad ako ni Joseph papasok muli sa loob ng sasakyan. I was about to shout when I felt a fist landed on my stomach.
My body weaken. I felt tired and about to collapse. Nanghihinang nagpupumiglas parin ako pero wala na akong magawa nang maihiga ako sa likod ng sasakyan. Pumatong sa akin si Joseph at sa nanlalabong paningin ko ay nakikita ko ang mga ngisi nito.
"Wag ka ng malikot. Saka ka lang maglikot kapag nasa loob mo na ako. Fuck! I am so turn on. Hintayin mong malupaypay ka sa gagawin namin sayo."
Hikbi nalang ang lumabas sa bibig ko nang marahas ako nitong hinalikan sa leeg at sapo ang dibdib ko.
I felt cold.
Hopeless.
Scared.
Gusto kong humingi ng tulong pero hindi ko alam kung kanino. To mom? To dad? They are all busy with their families! I have nobody. But do I deserve this?
I heard Joseph moaning when I felt his hand roaming through my legs.
"Bilisan mo Joseph! Kami pa!"
"Shut up! Magbantay lang kayo dyan!"
What have I done wrong to deserve this?
"Ang ganda mo talaga Maya..."
Napapikit ako.
I give up.
"Putangina!"
"Bakit?"
I heard an engine. A trail of light outside. Pinilit kong dumilat sa kabila ng sakit ng katawan ko.
"Rad?" I can hear them talking.
"Eusebio. Anong meron?" I heard a very familiar voice. Mapait akong napangiti at napasandal nang makaalis si Joseph sa ibabaw ko. Halos manlamig ako.
I can't move.
Am I safe? Am I safe?
"Old habits. Ikaw? Napadpad ka ata dito?"
I didn't hear any respond. Sinubukan kong hanapin ang flannel ko to ease the coldness. Pero hindi ko nahanap. Natulala nalang ako habang binubuksan ang pinto at walang lingong lumakad-takbo.
I heard someone groaning in pain. Ilang kalabog ang narinig ko. But I didn't mind. I was preoccupied.
I heard a lot of curses. I didn't mind looking who among them cursed a lot. Who among them were hurt. I felt stranded with my fear.
I hug myself. Tried covering myself. I am out of nowhere and I can't help but cry.
Am I safe?
Then I felt an arm around my waist. Naalarma ako, I panicked.
I thought I'm safe!
I cried. Pleaded.
"Hush now. Hey..it's me.."
I pleaded. I cried loudly. I panicked.
I felt the arm moved to my shoulder to motion my body. And now I am facing him.
"It's okay..I'm here. You're now safe."
Nakarating kami sa condo ng hindi ko namamalayan. Buong byahe kong pinigil ang paghikbi. Ilang beses kong hinimas ang sarling braso para maramdaman ang sakit ng mga pasa ko.
Nangingnig ang mga kamay ko habang nagpapunch ng code, I just can't! I felt weak!
Then someone dragged me. Namalayan ko nalang ang sarili kong nasa loob ng ibang unit.
"I'll get you some clothes. Stay there."
Wala ako sa sariling naglibot sa loob ng unit. I tried making my mind forget the scenes.
Then I felt myself crying under a shower with my clothes on. I sobbed while scratching my neck.
Then someone stop me from doing it only to see Radicus dripping wet under the shower too.
He pulled me for a hug. My heart automatically raced.
"You're safe now. I won't let them touch you again. Hush now..I'm here now." He whispered.
Lalo akong napahikbi. What might happen if he did not come?
Nagtagal rin na nasa ganoong posisyon kami. I don't know why I have this weird feeling.
Napatinagala ako dito at nagulat ako nang makitang titig na titig ito. His eyes are too dark. I heard him cursed. He cup my face with his palms and stared at my eyes. Just my eyes.
"Radicus.." I called him. He silently cursed again before I knew it, his lips landed on mine. I felt safe. And it's weird.