Sixteen years ago.
Previously.
Daddy and Aadil had gone back home a week after the inspector had announced to them that the suspect was behind bars and the case was going to trial. Because case had the power of the villa backing it, it didn't take too long for it to go forward and eventually, for justice to be served.
Aadil had waited a week for yasmen after their return, he knew she was kidnapped but he hadn't even processed it yet. All he knew was that she'd been back home for a while, that she knew he was back as well, and she hadn't come to see him yet, which drew him to the only possible conclusion.. something was terribly wrong.
He resembled a ghost as he walked out of the house and sat behind the wheel, images of bullets piercing through the windshield flashed in his head as he crushed his chest with pain, that was the first time Muhammad Aadil would have a panic attack.
Daddy would call over a doctor who would advise him to start counseling, Aadil would only stare at the wall blankly and not say a word. At night, when he tossed and turned aimlessly, he got up and walked to the front door and out of the house, he walked to the gate where he told the guards that he was only taking a walk.. only one of them trailed behind him.
They walked and walked and walked as Aadil had flashes of when him and Ami had first moved back to Nigeria, the change was so abrupt and sudden for him, but soon he realized that it wasn't the country or the building that was his home, his home was his mother. All the feelings of warmth he could imagine a home to bring resided in her, without her, he was forever lost.
Aadil came to a stop about ten minutes later by a pond, near the property. It was also close to yasmens house, so he took his cell and sent her a text,
Are you awake? By the duck pond.
He sat on the grass as he let his slippers covered feet dip slightly in the chill water, his guard stayed a notable distance away from him, letting him have his space while keeping an eye. For the life of him, he didn't know why he texted her, all he knew was that he needed something of Ami, something even remotely close, something she loved, and he needed to protect it like he couldn't protect her.
It was a while before he heard light footsteps from behind him, followed by a faint scent of honey and lemon, an even stronger smell of strawberry.
"I came back a week ago." He spoke his first sentence in forever, even when the doctor had appeared he'd refused to say a word.
When yasmens voice cracked, he finally turned to look at her, there was something so eerily different about her, it sent a zap of nerves down his spine, "I'm sorry," she'd said to him in her crackly voice that had him feeling something stronger than despair and heartache.
"What happened yas? What did they do to you?" He dreaded the answer like he dreaded reading her eyes.
Her stiffened posture and how far away she sat from him, the broken, fixed look in her eyes, how she cowered away in fear and clung on to herself,
Yasmen burst out crying, "I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you Aadil, they killed me too." Her head bowed into her knees as she remained in a fetal position, clinging onto her arms tightly. She was clad in a bulky blue hijab, he could confidently say that he'd never seen yasmen in a hijab, until today.
"Yas.." he reached out his hands to hold her or hug her or just do anything to make her feel better, but her flinch was so sudden and it was all the confirmation he needed..
"Don't touch me. Please."
The hand that reached to touch her clenched as it dropped slowly along with the realization that he was right, they'd touched her. Another persons love for him had caused them their life,
The first tear since the incident trailed down Aadils face, soon the tears started to fall uncontrollably. He cried for Ami and he cried for yasmen, he cried for her even when he couldn't cry for himself.
"I am sorry yas, i am sorry another persons love for me cost them more than I could ever repay."
Yasmen said nothing then, and so they sat there. They sat quietly for atleast twenty minutes, realizing that even if they had nothing then, atleast they had eachother. And it was nearly enough, just nearly.
It didn't take long for yasmens maid to appear, she's been on her beck and call ever since she got back from the hospital a few days ago. She hadn't left her room once, until today. The maid set out to look for her knowing she couldn't have gone far since none of the cars had moved. The pond was quite close to the el-nafaty home, so the minute she saw two dainty figures sitting by it, she knew one of them had to be yas.
"Madam, you frightened me. Its late, let's go home." She'd said to her, the young girl quietly went back home with her after casting a long perceptible look at him. For the first time in her life, yasmen wanted something for someone more than she did for herself.
She could survive being unable to stand her reflection for all of her life, she could survive scratching her body uncontrollably everyday, she could survive the nightmares she got whenever she shut her eyes to sleep, she could even survive Ami's death despite it being the most difficult thing she'd had to navigate when she first heard. But she could not survive him losing himself, not when he was all she had to hold on to.
Aadil and his guard left shortly after too. The weight of the realization somehow ruining him further when he thought he could ever be ruined again.
Somehow nightfall came yet failed in stealing both Aadil and yasmen from the surface of the world and from the anguish of their reality even if for a little while. in stead, while one lay awake facing a ceiling that had a painting of the stars, a gift her parents had granted her along with the new room, the other laid awake staring at his rather bleak ceiling in his rather boring room. Their thoughts were one thing that connected them, admist all the heartbreak and pain and sorrow, their thoughts included one another,
The first person to pay heed to them and send a message was yasmen;
Yasmen; I didn't get to tell you, Aadil, that what happened to me was not your fault.
The sound of the notification nearly jolted him. It was quite loud and he knew it could only be yasmen since Jalaal was right there next to him, and they were the only two people he hasn't blocked or ignored to the point of pushing them away.
He had gotten home and Jalaal was stood there with a bag, prepared to move in with him for as long as it took, since he stopped picking his calls and replying to his texts. Jalaal's mother was a close friend of ami , she had zero objections.
Aadil read yasmens message, not believing it but somehow still feeling validated,
Aadil; it wasn't your fault either, yas.
She read the message and frowned at it, she knew, so why did it make a difference that she heard it out loud? Why did it make a difference that instead of walking on eggshells around the matter, he spoke about it and had it in him to reassure her?
She had been taken to the hospital immediately she was captured along with the kidnappers, she had bruised ribs and a busted lip. It took one glance at her and the way she cried her lungs out when the male doctor had come to examine her, for them to confirm that she'd been sexually assaulted. They'd then taken a test to prove it, and also took a pregnancy test which came out negative.
Yasmen was assigned to a psychiatrist immediately after her parents were informed. Her mother had cried like yasmen had never seen before, and her father hasn't stopped giving her pitiful looks since. They doted on her more than they did previously and her father made sure to file a case on top of the case her rapist already had on him. But somewhere at the back of her mind, she was certain that this was one thing no amount of doting could bring back.
Sometimes when she would shut her eyes at night, yasmen would imagine how it would feel to not open them the next morning, she would wish to lose her sight so she wouldn't see the scars on her body that reminded her of it. Most of all, she would wish she could stop feeling the pain and disgust she felt at herself. Slowly, a thought would creep into her head, she would think 'Aadil has already lost ami, could he stand losing me too? I know I mean atleast half of what he means to me.' And so she would decide that he was worth living for, she would get up and pray for herself and for him, she would pray to reunite with Ami in Jannah, she would pray for God to ease her pain.
Each time she would crawl back into bed and shut her eyes, she would still have nightmares of the same man with a nasty scar covering half of his face and the look of pure evil in his eyes. Finally, one night, she was awake and a razor stared back at her. She could remember watching on a show that the protagonist cut herself whenever she felt overwhelmed and needed to feel something different. So yasmen created a large gash on her arm, and let it bleed. She let it bleed for long enough that the pain started to become numb, then she cleaned it up, and got back into bed.
That was the beginning of a very important lesson for her.
Another notification rang, jolting yasmen enough to reply to Aadils message,
Aadil; Can't sleep?
Yasmen; Yes, can you?
Aadil; every time I close my eyes, I see her.
Yas smiled with teary eyes,
Yasmen; every time I close my eyes, I see him.
When he didn't reply for a while, she realized that it might've been heavy for him, so she quickly diverted the topic,
Yasmen; sleep has become a foreign concept.
Aadil; Let's pray then..
Yasmen; Okay. How many raka'ats?
Aadil; Four, i will pray for you. I will pray for Allah to lessen your pain, and I will pray for him to make it easier for you to see that you are as beautiful as you have ever been, and twice as worthy.
Yasmen stared at the message, feeling all sorts of weird things. He had never been that sweet ever, was he feeling guilty? Either ways, his message touched a part of her she didn't know existed..
Yasmen; Let's recite surahtul mulk for Ami afterwards.
She hoped it wasn't too soon to bring up Ami, patiently waiting for his response as she performed ablution.
Aadil; okay.
Aadil took a large intake of breath as he sent that message, he was faced with the realization that he hadn't prayed for Ami once since the incident, he hadn't been to her grave either. He felt so selfish, letting his 'petty' emotions get the better of him. He was her only son, she needed him now more than ever.
So after prayer, he called yasmen and together they recited surahtul mulk for Ami, he kept his promise and prayed fervently for yasmens peace of mind, what he didn't know was that several feet away, in the el-nafaty home, she was doing the same for him.
*********************************************
Early the next day, Yasmens parents were at daddy's home to offer their condolences. The investigators on the case had already let daddy know that there was a case of assault on one of the kidnappers, so he knew. He felt terrible that they came to see him first, they were not so keen on it too, Haven been with their daughter in a hospital, and now locked up at home. But alas, death was death, and it was their responsibility to offer their condolences. Yas had come with them, which was quite surprising seeing as she preferred to be holed up at home for a while now, but the moment she heard where they were going, she jumped out of bed and doned on a jilbaab that had now become her daily attire.
When Aadil came to greet yasmens parents, him and her excused themselves, stepping out into the garden of the home. This was not lost on yasmens parents. Her father was not for it, he was feeling extremely protective and distrusting when it came to her and being around men of any kind now, he saw what she went through and is still going through. They had to fire her male driver, even the male workers inside the home on her account, so why was she this comfortable with Aadil? So much so that she didn't mind being alone with him?
Her mother on the other hand was just happy that yas atleast still had one thing about her that hasn't changed, her care for him. If it was only his friendship that can bring back her daughter, then so be it.
Aadil watched yasmen start to tend to Ami's flowers, he had completely forgotten about them. They were Ami's other babies, she loved them and especially loved tending to them. He watched her take her time, watering them with grace and even getting her hands dirty with plucking the dead plants.
When she was comfortable with how they looked, she turned to him with the largest smile, "I am going to keep them alive for her." Her eyes were teary as she said it, sometimes, they would follow Ami to the garden on weekends and watch her water these plants like they were the most precious things she owned.
"I haven't been to her grave." He found himself saying out loud. He didn't think he could. Daddy had asked him and he'd said no. But since meeting yasmen last night, he felt like he could do anything.
"We should go." She suggested silently, anticipating his response.
He seemed to be in deep thought but then he nodded his head, "I will go speak to daddy." Aadil got up and went back to the living room, then told daddy in a whisper.
Daddy was elated, but he hid it well and informed yasmens parents. They then decided to go together because her parents were not comfortable letting her go somewhere alone at all, and daddy could see that, so he offered for them to come. They could always remain in the car.
Aadil went back to his room and called Jalaal, who couldn't understand the sudden change of heart, but got up nonetheless and went with them.
When they got to the grave yard, they prayed for her, they prayed for a long while. And right there, Aadil decided that he would go back alone, because he had so much to tell her, so so much. He wanted to apologize, to ask for her forgiveness, he also wanted to feel her embrace right at that moment. But somethings shall always remain that.. wishes.
The El-nafatys and the Buhari's got into their various vehicles to return home, there, Aadil had yet another panic attack. He had managed to distract himself by talking to yas throughout their drive there, but she was no longer there and he didn't feel like conversing with anyone on their way back, so he simply tried to calm his racing heart, failing miserably as the road ahead of him no longer seemed clear. Instead it was bloodied with bullet wholes in the windshield, it was as if he was transported back to that day, in the same car. Gunshots continued to ring in his head until he couldn't stand it anymore. He passed out.
Daddy and Jalaal stared in horror the whole time, it was as if they could not access him. He couldn't see them he couldn't hear them.
"Inallilahi wa'ina illayhi rajiun." Daddy kept on chanting, he had never seen anything like this in his life. Perhaps he had really profoundly underestimated muhammad Aadils wounds.
As per his orders, the car along with all the others trailing them took a turn, heading for the hospital as speedily as they could.
He was conscious before they even got there, but he was still taken to the emergency ward where several doctors spoke to him, and then one stepped out to tell daddy what he already knew..
"The patient is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He feels stuck, unable to move past an event that had left him traumatized. It is important for him to avoid his triggers for the next few months, because what they do is put him in a fight-or-flight mode, where he freezes and sometimes even replays moments of the incident like it is happening in real time. In addition to that, I would also recommend a psychiatrist, seeing as the patient is still young, the decision falls on you, but I'll say this.. counseling is no longer an option, your excellency, it is imperative."
Daddy heard that Aadil felt stuck, but right now he was the one that felt stuck. He didn't know what to do or where to even start from. Astaghfirullah but he wished with everything that he could trade places with Ami, she would know what to do. Now he was helpless..
He went in to speak to Aadil, but since he was sedated, he looked so peacefully asleep.
Daddy had made the decision a while ago, but he was certain of it in that moment. He was going to step down from his position. Seeing how important he was to the president and how efficiently he did his job, trying to create a better country and even outshining the president himself, there was a clear and bold target on his back.
He did not care at first, before they'd gotten his family involved. The previous perpetrator was caught, but he still did a whole lot of damage, what's to say the next one won't do the same? He still has another wife as well as a daughter.. was he really willing to risk their lives?
That night, after they got discharged and went back home, daddy arranged a meeting with Baaba, where they discussed in depth about his plans and who he successor was to be. By the end of that week, daddy was publicly, no longer the vice president of the federal republic of Nigeria.
The tenure ended a year later, and Baaba did not apply for a second term either, until years later.
Aadil found himself going to the pond that night as well, except he didn't have to text yas, because he met her there.
"I heard you were at the hospital." She'd said when she heard him sit down,
He sighed, "it wasn't serious."
"Are you having panic attacks?" She asked the question that has been on her mind.
Aadil looked away and refused to answer, so she spoke up again, "I've been having them too."
"Why are you comfortable being alone with me?" He asked her, yasmen looked at him with raised brows, so he scratched his neck as he explained why he was asking,
"I read somewhere that err.. victims of assault.. prefer not to be around.. anyone of another gender?" He said it in complete and utter embarrassment, he didn't want her to feel bad that he was researching her case, he only did it so he could understand her better and make her feel comfortable.
Yasmen stared at him in bewilderment, amazed by his foresight and care, but she didn't say anything of it, she cleared her throat,
"I asked my psychiatrist. She said it's because i have always associated you with calm, and my first instinct is already to trust you, my brain has also identified you as a victim just like myself, so it's easy to not feel like prey with you." She explained to him,
"But that doesn't stop me from having avid reactions to certain things, like touching or being too close." She added.
Aadil slowly nodded and then took a shaky inhale of breath, yasmen was talking to someone. That made him so incredibly relieved. He didn't want to do that, but he was happy that she was.
"She died to protect me." He found himself saying,
"I had a gun, I trained for months to know how to use it, yet the moment required it.. and I failed. I killed her."
"SubhanAllah, Aadil NO." She stared in horror at him,
"How many people were there? They killed all of your guards, what makes you think you would've been able to stop them?" Yasmen was heated, but she was only heated because she could control the amount of pain she felt.
If yasmen could choose to have one thing on earth, she would choose to heal him, not herself. She would wish for his happiness and free spiritedness back.
Aadil kept quiet so she continued, "If you had died to protect her instead, she wouldn't have been able to live with herself."
He looked at her, "how do you think I feel?"
"I don't know how you feel. I wish I did, but I don't. All I know is, she sacrificed herself for you Aadil, she didn't do it because you couldn't, but because she is your mother and that is what they do. Don't waste her efforts by choosing to be miserable and choosing never to heal."
Aadil let her words sink in and then nodded, "I will get treatment."
He wasn't sure if he meant the words or not, but for the first time, he felt like he could, so that should count for something.
"If I could see him, I wouldn't hesitate this time Yas. I would kill him."
The seriousness with which he'd said the words almost caused her to chuckle, but her heart raced at the mention of him. So she took her own deep breath, and decided that if he could share it, so could she,
"I came everyday, from the day I heard. I needed to see you and I needed to smell her. I couldn't believe it, even when I read it on the news and it was confirmed by everybody, I couldn't believe that she was gone.." she paused to see his reaction but then decided that it would only stop her, she didn't need to see his heart break for her, so Yas put her head into her knees and continued,
"They took me to a room in a house that seemed abandoned, but was furnished in the inside. I immediately knew that the attack on Ami wasn't casual, it was an assassination attempt and it was from a person of power. I was there for a week, fed and clothed as they tried to send the information to daddy so they could lure him in using me, it would've worked, except they couldn't contact him. And when they were finally able to get it to daddy's head of security, the investigators were already on their tale," yasmen knew all this because she was a listener, she always listened to every single thing, her amateur kidnappers conversations when they thought she wasn't, the investigators that rescued her.
"On the night before we were found, one of them came into the room where I was kept.."
Aadil noticed her begin to shake even in her fetal position so he quickly tried to stop her, but she relented, she had to tell him, she wanted to,
"I guess being beautiful can be more of a curse than a blessing. I noticed the looks I received, but they stayed away, most of them did. It was only that night, one of them snuck into the room. He just couldn't help himself, he'd said. He strangled me in the hopes that I would pass out first, but when several minutes passed by and I was only turning blue and writhing in pain, he decided to just go for it. So he tore my shirt down the middle, and when I spat at him, he punched my ribs. He punched me so hard that I had no choice but to stay still or to face grating pain.." her voice has began to crack and she sobbed, Aadil cried with her, unable to listen to anymore, but knowing he had to be strong her, he had to listen to it no matter how dark and ugly.
"So I dissociated myself. I stopped trying to stop him and I zoned out, I don't know long I was there for, I don't know whether i passed out or not. The next thing I remember was glistening sunlight on my face and waking up in the same position, with the same torn and tattered clothes, and being in the most pain I had ever experienced in my life. Ya Rabb." She raised her head from her knees and wiped her face,
"It was only by Allahs mercy that those investigators arrived when they did. I wouldn't have made it another day, if not naturally, I would have made sure of it myself."
Her words dawned on him, she would have taken her own life. That was what she meant.
At that point, neither of them knew who was more broken. But the fierce determination to help each other settled in them. By the time yasmens maid called her to go home, Yas's head was rested on Aadils shoulders. He couldn't breathe or move, he couldn't do a thing to ruin that moment for her. The trust she had in him sent him a rush of confidence that he had never felt before.
Aadil vowed to love on her like never before, to protect her with every atom in him.
You guys! 😭😭😭
I have had the absolute worst week of my life. It was almost absolutely impossible to write. So you all have ammal to thank for this chapter, her encouragement all but fueled me.. and also the fact that ive met all my deadlines and im done with my exams 🤪
This was heavy! So heavy. I cant promise the next one won't be worse, but we'll find out.