The churro was pretty decent. The actual bread was a bit dry but the custard was really good. I hauled my pretty big load with me up the elevator then all the way back to my Uncle's room. When I got close to the nurse's station I took out the two canned coffees and red bean bread.
"Omo, is this for us?"
I nodded, "That doctor said you guys were taking care of him."
The other nurse who was seeming pretty depressed immediately lit up at the idea of free food. I felt that in my soul. Free food is life. I gave them both curt bows before heading back to my room. The first nurse handed the second a coffee and the bread. I smiled as I slipped back into the room. I shut the door slowly so as not to wake up either of the two adults.
I dropped my bags on the floor next to my feet and took out one of the Banana Milks and a Kimbap roll. It took everything in me not to let out a small moan as I took my first bite of food in what seemed to be all day.
...
Actually, this was my first meal this whole day. If you even consider it a whole day. It's technically been like one and a half. What time was it anyway? I took out my phone and drew a soft breath. For fuck's sake its already four in the morning. No wonder I was so damn tired.
My cheeks filled themselves like a cute chipmunk with a few more bites. It was hard to chew but like I fucking cared. It just felt so fucking good to have something going into my stomach. I don't know if its just the hunger speaking but this is so fucking good.
Now that I think of it, I practically inhaled that damn churro too.
I melted into my chair after devouring my second roll then rubbed at my face. My shoulders tensed and my whole body felt so tight. God, there's so much that I have to think about but I didn't even know where to start. The problems were very obviously presented in front of me but I didn't know how to unravel them.
It's so damn irritating!
Even so...there really seemed like nothing I could do right now. Not in the state that I was in. I've been through so many things in the last couple days alone that they haven't even fully set in yet. Especially how I was kidnapped and very obviously threatened by a group of people I'm convinced could kill me if I push hard enough. I'm so damn tired.
As tired as I was though there was no chance I was getting a good rest. Even my small nap earlier was nothing more than fifteen minutes before I was jerked awake by my own paranoia. Please don't tell me my mind has been scared even more. I'm already sick as it is. The last thing I need is another symptom of PTSD.
The weekend went by faster than I would've wanted it to. Viola came rushing in the next morning after I called her and filled her in on the situation. Most of it at least. The post going around at school. My Uncle getting into an accident. The rest of it I kept to myself. Her unpredictability scared me.
You want to know the scariest thing about this whole situation though? When we got back home, the house was completely fine. All the damage I had done trying to save myself had been fixed. Especially in my Uncle's room. Everything looked brand new. Probably because it was. Even my Uncle's desk had been replaced, everything where it should've been.
The only thing out of place was my Uncle's bat, gently resting at the door of my room. Another threat. We can do whatever we want and make it seem like nothing happened.
Viola nor Uncle in any way forced me to go to school on Monday but this was something I needed to do. Of course I was scared of the reactions of everyone else. Too bad I'm a sucker for pain. There's also no way I'm being shut down into the dark because a couple of freaks expect me to keep my head down.
I'm done with that.
I've kept my head hung low enough in my first life and I know how terrible that felt so there's no way I'm going to ever feel like that again.
Who cares if these people never look at me the same? They can all go rot in hell then. I'm going to walk into these halls with as much confidence as I can. This wasn't the time to worry about our image. Not after what we just went through a couple days ago.
That's what I wish my mind would've sounded like but in reality I didn't know what to do with myself. I got to school way too early and even then I hid in the girl's bathroom nearest to my classroom. This morning I had looked into the mirror with such confidence as I gave myself what I thought to be the best pep talk of all time.
What a fucking idiot I am. Did I really think saying some encouraging words would really help me out with my situation?
Damn it, I'm being such a coward that I even ran into one of the stalls earlier when a group of girls walked in. I pressed my back against the wall and did my best to steady my breathing as they laughed at each other. Their voices vibrated at the base of my skull. When they finally left I almost sank to the floor before I realized where I was.
Then when the bell rang I wanted to really kill myself. Then the thought of killing myself gave me another burst of energy. No, that's what they want me to do. They want me to become small. At least, I think that's what the goal was here. I honestly don't even know. My mind has been such a mess and I still haven't been able to sit any of this through.
It doesn't help that there's no one I could talk to. At least not everything. There's only so much I could tell my Uncle. Which I will eventually, hopefully I find the courage too when he finally gets discharged from the hospital. But even so, all I can really say is that someone is after me because they think I'm in the way of something. Something that I'm not really sure I have right.
There's no way of explaining why they want me out of the picture or what their end goal might be without revealing, in some way, that I know things that I shouldn't know. And then when that question comes up he'll obviously know I'm lying with what bullshit I come up with. It's not like I can exactly go up to my Uncle and tell him I died then got reincarnated from another world.
How the actual fuck, do you think he'll take that?
I'll be shipped off to the nearest mental facility.
For fuck's sake, what am I going to do?
After slamming my head against the wall for a couple minutes, I knocked some sense into me and headed off to my classroom. I was pretty late for morning class so the halls were empty. Though I was early enough to make it before the teacher.
As soon as I entered the doorway I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I wanted to run out of there but I used what little balls I had left to walk all the way to my desk. Every part of me vibrated with anxiousness. The back of my shirt clung to me as I sweated bullets. And my legs wouldn't want to sit still as they shook against the floor.
It didn't help that I could feel Sookie's eyes stare lasers into the side of my head. I couldn't turn to look at her. Instead, I kept my eyes strictly to the window next to me, looking at nothing in particular. I put a hand casually on my forehead as if resting against it attempting to hide the large patch on my skin.
The classroom door slid open as our teacher finally walked in.
"Oh? Ila, your Uncle said you might not be coming in today. I heard about his accident as well, hopefully he will recover soon."
I slowly turned to the teacher with a face filled with despair.
Why the hell would she FUCKING SAY THAT IN FRONT OF ALL THESE DAMN FUCKING PEOPLE????!!!!!!
From the corner of my eyes I could see Sookie's eyes grow to the size of literal planets at this new information. A lot of the other kids also looked at each other then back at me. Great, another thing to add to their gossip list.
I want to die.
'Then kill yourself.'
My eyes widened at the voice inside of my head. This whole time...they've been silent. Not even as I walked through the thick snow all the way to the hospital did I hear them complain. Not even as I struggled every night to fall asleep in fear that I would wake up somewhere different.
And now...when they do finally speak...
I'm telling myself it's better if I just die.
How laughable.
HOW PATHETIC.
Class was unbearable. Each one grew even worse with passing time. The dozen eyes behind my head slowly turned into a hundred, then a thousand, then to a million. There were a million little prickly needles stabbing at my back, slowly moving around creating this warming feeling at the pit of my stomach.
Before lunch, I was holding onto my front, willing myself not to throw up all over the table. Then there were the voices in my head. They weren't dark or evil, it was all me. Every passing minute I would replay every ugly thing I've ever done and then I remembered that these people knew of it.
It would've been so much better if they were random people. It would be so easy to just brush them by but...I talk to them, I've laughed with them. Why does that make this so much harder? It's not even the fighting parts that I worried about but everything else that they might have read and seen.
It was the pills.
It was the fire.
It was the video with Vasco.
It was the vulnerability I felt of having every secret of my life revealed for the rest of the world to view. I felt stripped. Naked. And left exposed for all men to see my form with curving eyes. It made me feel disgusted. It made me feel guilty. It made me feel like a monster.
I ran out of the room as soon as we were dismissed for lunch. Sookie, as well as Jeong, called out to me. They tried to give chase but even though sick to the stomach I could run faster than them. I could feel the puke at the base of my throat but every damn restroom I tried to go into, there were always people there.
Every time we would make eye contact I would feel the disgust pile on me even more. I don't even know how but I ended up at the back of the school. The same place where I broke in with my little cart of plants for the school garden. As soon as I reassured myself that there was no one nearby, I doubled over.
I pressed a firm hand against the wall and then held the other to my stomach as I threw up all of it. What little I could eat this morning. My anxiety. My fear. My paranoia. All of it came rushing out in a disgusting mix of churning orange and yellow.
Did you see them? How they were looking at me?
With that thought came another five full minutes of desperately panting against the wall. It felt horrible as I turned my body inside out. I couldn't breathe and what little moments I in-between were mostly me just gagging to myself and frantically trying to pull myself together. At some point I really thought I was going to die from lack of breath.
When I finished I took a couple steps away from my puddle and fell against the wall. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes as I panted heavily to myself. Tiny stars danced around my visions and my whole body shook slightly.
I'm so tired.
After I found some strength I pulled my knees against my chest then pressed my head into them. I found the darkness and muffled sound comforting. I closed my eyes and focused on the unsteady beating of my heart. It was wild and frantic at first but it soon settled to a gentle flutter. Almost like a chickadee's in the Spring.
A freezing breeze of air curled around my body and only now did I realize what I was doing and were. For fuck's sake it snowed a couple days ago and it still hadn't cleared out. It was thirty size fucking degrees outside. Do I really think this is the right time to get a little bit sensitive?
I tightened my jacket around myself and laughed. It sounded so broken and hearing it made me want to cry all over again.
I'm going insane.
"Jace...are you sure she's over here? Why don't you just use your telepathy?"
My whole body froze. I wiped the puke off my mouth and tried to stand. As soon as I even hinted at the motion my legs gave out underneath me. My body slammed into the wall of the school and I fumbled a small curse as I almost stepped in my own puddle of puke.
Can't I do anything right?
"Vasco, did you hear that?"
"No, what was it?"
Don't come over here. Don't come over here. Don't come over here. Don't come over here. Don't come over here. Don't come over here. For fuck's sake just leave. me. alone.
"I think I heard one of the other members call out to us."
"Oh, really? We should go."
For some reason that made my heart hurt.
What the hell was wrong with me?
Just a few seconds ago I was practically pleading that they leave and now I feel hurt because they aren't?
Why can't I be clear with what I want for once in my life?
I stayed there for a long time despite the cold. I was practically freezing as I crouched down against the wall. My arms clinging to the rest of my body. At least I was smart enough to wear a pair of pants today instead of a skirt.
When the bell rang to go back to class, I couldn't find it in me to get up. Instead I just sat there, staring at the dirt in front of me. I don't want to go back. Besides, I'm pretty sure that I look like a mess right now. I also don't know how I'll react if anyone tries to start shit with me or even talks to me for that matter. I feel so fragile that I might burst apart from the slightest hello.
Should I just go home then? Uncle said that if I felt overwhelmed at any time that I could leave. He said he explained the situation to the principal so they would be more than understanding. How he managed to convince them to let me go in the middle of the fucking school day is beyond me. Maybe he threatened to burn down the school again.
The thought made me feel a bit better. Just enough so I stand up on my feet.
But I can't just leave like this, can I? I left all of my things in the classroom.
.
.
.
I tightened my grip around my right arm. The thought of going in there to get it made me feel all queasy again. I'll just get it tomorrow. Knowing my classroom, they won't look through my things. They at least have enough class for that.
I don't even know how but I made it to the front of the chicken shop. Never once had I issue walking in here but now...as I looked at it from across the road it looked so big. So foreign. It was a place that I didn't know I could really safely call home anymore.
It's pathetic to admit this but when we got back to the hospital I still couldn't bear to step inside of my room. Stepping inside the place at all was already a struggle. The best my Uncle and Viola could do was have me stay in Uncle's room. Still, it wasn't enough. I had to have them there with me or it was impossible to keep my eyes closed at all.
Pathetic, right?
My feet turned around as I walked away from it. I didn't really have anywhere else to go so I followed my usual running route. I walked in-between streets I'm used to seeing in the dark. For some reason the ambience of the day made them seem a lot different than at night. Not as calming, not as perfect.
I found myself waiting in front of the old lady's house for Destroyer of Worlds but it's like my mind knows how to destroy itself. Am I cursed or does the world just hate me this much?
"Excuse me, what are you doing?"
I stood up from my crouching position and cleared my raspy throat, "S-sorry. I normally come here at night to talk with the lady who lives here and take the cat in the neighborhood for a run."
The lady's eyes dropped, "Oh, the neighbors told me about you. We were trying to find a way to contact you since you haven't come in a while and you were the only one who really talked to her."
Then as if it was nothing she added, "That poor old lady died almost a week ago. It's a shame really. I bet it'll bring the rest of the houses down in value in the area too. As for that damn cat, it probably left since no one has been feeding it."
Wh-wh-she died?
Ha...haha...
I dragged my feet behind me as I repeated what that lady said over and over again in my head. Somehow I made it to the park in front of the Han River. I don't know exactly where I was but I don't think I gave a shit.
She died....
Madness rumbled in my throat as I tossed myself onto the ground. I could feel the cold grass prickling on the back of my neck and at the small opening of my ankles between my pants and sneakers. My hair laid out around my head like a wild crown of long hair as I stared up with a blank expression to the sky.
The gray...
Cloudy...
Beautiful sky.
She died...
Laughter erupted out of my throat as my body shook from the action.
"She died!"
Saying it out loud only made me laugh harder.
I could hear people stop to look at me as I laid there completely losing my mind yet no one stopped to ask if I was alright. They simply acknowledged my existence then confirmed my insanity before going on their day. I was nothing to them and neither was the old lady who used to feed me apples or the cat or all the shit that's been happening to me.
None of it fucking matters in the end....does it?
.
.
.
So then why does it hurt so much?
I brought my hands to my eyes and my body heaved forward as I let out something that was something between a delirious laugh and a tired cry. I tried wiping my tears away but as soon as I did there was at least twice as much to replace them.
I truly was falling apart and..hahaha..I don't think I'll ever be able to pull myself back.
Why the hell is this happening to me?
Why...
Why!
WHY!
I gently slammed my fists to the sides of my head. Slowly, they grew harder and more desperate until they actually hurt.
I am not okay.
People have been playing with me. They've messed with the very intimate parts of my being and used it against me. My mind was messed with until I was fully convinced I was a monster because maybe I am. Then I was kidnapped from my own home and there was nothing I could do about it. I was left vulnerable to my capture who could really have done whatever they wanted to me and that scarred me.
Then they practically told me that getting rid of me would be easy. How the fuck do you think I feel knowing that I could be killed or taken at any second and no one would know a damn thing? HUH? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
They made me afraid of my own home and now, they're making me feel afraid of going to the people I trusted the most. I really wanted to pretend like walking into the damn school would do nothing to me but I was honestly so afraid of what everyone would think of me.
I've been alone...I've been isolated before and I know how awful it feels. People would always tell me that being the quiet kid in my family made me look so mature. Haha, I didn't feel fucking mature and what they fuck did they know? What do they know about my family? What did they know about me?
Did they know the awkwardness of going through school feeling like your every move is being watched and studied. Feeling that both everyone and no one is looking at you? Then, when you get home, you don't feel any safer at all. There is no safe space. Thankfully I managed to savage my way into a group but now?
Now I was having that taken away from me again.
In reality all I had left was Viola and my Uncle but what could they really do about this? What could I really tell them? What can they change? The best thing they can do for me is compromise as much as their lives can to make sure I'm comfortable. Not good, not great, not perfect but comfortable. Because, let's be honest...that's the best I can probably be right now.
What the hell am I going to do?
'Kill yourself."
I smiled.
And then there's this damn voice in my head.
Always kill THEM or kill ME.
Do I really not have any more options than that? I don't even know what the fuck is going on and all I have in my mind right now is a promise of violence and blood. So what exactly does that tell you about me as a person? What does it fucking tell you?
Meow?
...
Meoww
I pulled my hands away from my eyes and slowly turned my head until my puffed cheeks rested against the cold ground. A few feet next to me a familiar black cat slowly stalked its way towards me. Its nose hesitantly prodding forward as if questioning if it's alright for her to step forward.
My lips trembled as Destroyer of Worlds gently nudged my hair with her cold nose. I reached out to her with shaking hands and she pushed her fur into me. As soon as I made contact she let out a little flinch of the coldness of my hands. She walked away from my hands then slowly undid my zipper with her teeth, then when my jacket was wide enough she slipped into it. Her body curled around mine for warmth.
I bit down at my tongue as she purred contently against my chest. Once I composed myself the best I could, I reached down to zip up the jacket just a bit so that her body wasn't poking out that much. She rubbed her fluffy cheeks against me in thanks then went still as she fell asleep.
At least...I can have this last moment of peace.