JD
It's Saturday night and we are getting ready to go out just like we have a hundred times before. The house is pumping with music from downstairs and I know Brick is in his room, shaking his head at us. Except now, he might be in there with Kat.
I button up my black dress shirt that I paired with my black jeans and reach for a simple silver bracelet with a thin blue line. Making sure my hair is styled, I add some fragrance and step back. Does it matter?
I check my phone and leave my room when Wes and Lydia stumble out of his.
"Looking good," Lydia says. "Very..." her eyes stop on my bracelet and I peer down at it. "Very nice," she says with a weird smile.
"Thanks." I clear my throat. "You look nice, too. Both of you."
They must have coordinated their outfits because Wes' shirt is the same dark red as Lydia's lips and belt.
"Hey, you go ahead," Wes says to Lydia and I squint at them as she disappears down the stairs.
"What's up?" I'm instantly suspicious.
"I meant to ask you," Wes says.
"What?" I adjust my sleeves.
"Are you sure that guy isn't Morgan's boyfriend?"
My eyes snap back to him. "Why the fuck do you ask?"
"Calm down, man." He takes out his phone. "I'm just curious because there were some more pictures."
"Was it you or Lydia that stalked her this time?"
"If you're going to be a bitch about it, we can just forget the whole thing." He makes a move to put his phone away, but I grab it.
"Sorry," I mumble.
"There's a few."
The pictures seem to be from a different party. In some of them, Morgan is laughing with a dark-haired player. I know him. I've played him before. Anthon something.
They're with another guy, tall, skinny and pale. In one of the images, Anthon has his arm around the guy. They're clearly a couple. Didn't someone say Morgan's friend is gay? Is that him, then?
But that's not what Wes wanted me to see. The big blond guy is in quite a few of the photos. Always standing close to Morgan. In one of the photos, he has his hand on her lower back while she's holding up a drink and laughing.
And there's a photo of Morgan dancing with the big guy. It's a selfie he's taken and his arm is around her waist. She seems oblivious to the camera.
"Kat said she doesn't have a boyfriend," I say and give Wes his phone back. "He's probably just a friend."
"If you say so."
"Get down here already," Liam shouts up the stairs. "If you're not pretty by now, you never will be."
"It's not her boyfriend," I say as I walk ahead of Wes.
"I'm feeling good," Ethan says loudly as we come down the stairs. "Ready to have some fun."
"Shots for everyone," Liam says behind him and pushes him into the kitchen.
"Let's pregame," Ethan says, and takes out the shot glasses. "You know they'll only have the cheap stuff there."
Liam fetches a bottle from the freezer and starts pouring.
"You driving?" I ask Wes when he hangs back.
"Yeah," he says with his eyes on Lydia as Ethan hands her a shot.
I grab one and we do a quick cheers before downing them. It's vodka. Cold, smooth, and sweet. If Ethan chose it, I have no doubt it's very good and very expensive. He has a tendency to look down on anything cheap. But he knows his alcohols.
"You drinking?" I hear a deep voice ask behind me. I turn to see Brick and Kat dressed in all black.
"Oh, hell no," I say loudly.
Brick walks up to Kat and puts his arm around her. Liam weaves around me and holds out a shot for her. She takes it.
Brick pins me down with his stare as she looks up at him. Then Liam holds up his own shot glass and does a cheers with her.
I grind my teeth as she drinks the shot. She coughs.
"You were saying?" Brick asks.
I'm about to go off on him when Morgan's words ring through my head. Am I being controlling? Overprotective? She's nineteen. Am I supposed to just step back and watch her make mistakes? Is it time for me to let go?
I don't like it. In fact, I hate the idea of Kat making mistakes. I want her to be safe and protected. But is Morgan right? Is it no longer my job?
"Let's get one for the road," Liam says, and starts refilling glasses.
At first I'm surprised Lydia holds hers out for more, then I remember all the rumors of her partying and drinking her freshman year.
"Let's go," I grit out and grab my coat.
Wes, Lydia, Liam and Ethan quickly follow and we all pile into Wes' car. At least I don't have to worry about Brick drinking and driving. He never drinks during the season.
Fuck. I feel like punching something. I want to stab his tires so they can't go out. I want to call our parents so they can tell Kat not to drink or go to parties.
But Kat's destroyed that option for me. I could still tell them, but Kat was serious when she said she would transfer to a different university if I messed with her. And I hated spending New Year's Eve without her. It was the first time since she was born that she wasn't there for a major holiday.
We arrive at the frat house, and Lydia immediately finds two of her friends. I head in the opposite direction. Before I knew about Wes and Lydia, I hooked up with her friend.
It was a perfectly pleasant night, but she got clingy. I thought I had been clear about it only being a onetime thing, but apparently she expected me to change my mind.
I make a beeline for the alcohol and pour some vodka into a cup. Glancing at the table, I grab a bottle of orange juice and add barely enough to make the cheap crap drinkable.
I look out through the open door to the living room. I'm just seeing who's there. That's all. It's been a while since I hooked up, and I'm starting to feel like it's time.
The music is loud as I roam the party and chat with some women. A couple seem interested, but they are so utterly boring, I soon excuse myself.
I make a round and get back to the kitchen for another drink. How many is that? I've done it before. I immediately chug half of it when I spot my baby sister grinding on Brick.
"Woah, dude. Slow down there. Leave some vodka for the rest of us." Liam is standing behind me with his arm around one of the boring women. She looks me over and bites her lip, and even in my inebriated state, I can tell I could easily get her away from him.
"Fuck off," I say to the both of them and take another big gulp. Maybe I should have added some more orange juice.
Wes and Lydia are on the dancefloor, but I'm not sure what they're doing is dancing. It's more like standing there kissing.
I grunt, but there's nobody around to hear. Everyone has someone. Everyone except me. I have no one.
I stumble a bit as I try to look at my phone and walk away from the noise. I should text her. Or am I too drunk? Did I have more drinks? I go to take another sip, but there's nothing left in the cup. I must have spilled some.
The letters jumble on the screen. Bluebird. That's her name. Maybe because of her hair. No. She said she joined before Christmas. When her hair was pink. Pinkbird. That's not a thing.
But what's Bluebird then?
The screen blurs in front of my eyes as I close the app and find the search bar. I type all the letters of bluebird meaning I can remember, and start reading the results. Happiness. That's what my phone tells me. Joy and harmony.
I laugh out loud at the last one. There's no harmony between me and Morgan.
Switching apps, I type out a message. But I'm drunk so I read it back. There are some letters missing. And I forget how to fix that.
"Fuck it," I say and call her instead.
The phone rings and I sway slightly as I wait.
"Hello?" Her voice is soft and questioning.
"Bluebird," I say, then I remember my manners. "Are you busy?"
"What? JD? It's loud where you are."
"It's loud," I say back. "I need quiet." I move away from the music. There's a back door. It's not locked. There are some tables out back. They've been cleared of snow, but nobody is sitting there.
"Can you hear me now?" I ask.
"Yes, I can hear you. What's wrong?"
"What are you doing?" The air is icy around me.
"I'm at my parents' place. We're playing board games."
"Ok." I like that. That makes me feel nice.
"What are you doing?" she asks, and she sounds like she's smiling.
"I'm at a party."
"It must not be a very good party."
I'm starting to think I should have put on my jacket. "How did you know?"
"Because you're calling me. JD?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you drunk? You sound drunk."
"I'm at a party. There's vodka."
"Ok." She still sounds like she's smiling, so I smile, too. "Is there a reason you called me?"
"I miss you."
"How drunk are you?"
"Very. Everything is spinning."
Her laughter is so pretty. I could listen to it all night. It's the best laughter.
"You should drink some water and go home to sleep it off."
There's a voice in the background. I can hear someone asking a question.
"It's Kat's brother," Morgan says, slightly muffled. The voice answers something I can't make out.
"Is that all I am?" I ask. "Kat's brother?"
"What?"
"What if I want to be different? Something else?"
"What do you mean?" She's not smiling anymore. Maybe there's nothing to smile about?
"You know."
"No, I don't know."
I don't want to be Kat's brother. Not to her.
"Like when we kissed."
"It was just a kiss." She says it quietly, but that doesn't make it any less real. Except, maybe she doesn't want it to be real. Maybe she's sorry it happened. Maybe it was nothing else to her.
"Yeah." I kick at the snow on the ground. "Just a fucking kiss."
"JD? Are you ok?"
Does she care?
"Why don't you come to the party?" I ask. It would be so much better if she were here. Then we could understand each other.
"I can't. I'm at my parents' place. Besides, you should go home and sleep."
"Maybe I need to drink more. Then I can forget how soft your lips are. And how you always smell like coffee and chocolate."
"I'm going to hang up now before you say something you'll regret."
Does she not want to talk to me? "Maybe you'll say something you regret."
"Where are you right now?"
"It's cold. And snowy."
"Just... Drink some water."
I wait for a long time with the phone to my ear, but there are no more sounds. No more Morgan. The world is spinning a bit less now and I stare at my phone. There's still a text I didn't send. I quickly erase it.
You're pretty, bluebird, I type and hit send.
I'm cold. Without her, I feel a lot colder.
"JD?" It's Kat. She's coming out of the house with Brick.
"She's prettier than you," I say. Just so she knows. The world lurches and I flail my arms to stay upright.
Strong hands hold me, and for a second, I think Kat must have been working out. Then I realize it's Brick.
"Of course she is." Kat smiles. "How about you come with us? We're going to take you home."
I nod and let Brick lead me to his car. Kat opens the door, but before I can get in, Brick grabs my shoulder.
"Listen to me," he says, and I do my best to meet his eyes. "If you throw up in my car, you will have to pay to get it reupholstered. Do you understand me? If you're going to throw up, you tell me and we stop. Ok?"
"Ok." I hold up a thumb to show him I'm ok, but it doesn't seem to ease his mind.
I don't think I'm going to throw up, though.
I get in the back and I'm tired. As the car begins to move, I feel myself drifting off to sleep.