Summary: On the outside, it looks as though Janus' life is all set out with no complaints. Roman, forever the curious one, wants to dig deeper and has suspicions there's something more.
TW - Religious trauma, mentions of homophobia and no-contact.
We've reached the maximum chapters of this book! If I feel like adding chapters, it'll probably be on AO3 - my username is the same on there! There's a lot more stories on my Wattpad profile though :).
Words: 3082 (last one's a long one XD)
The first time Roman noticed Janus was during the end of year Kindergarten project. The emerging minds were allowed to spend the whole morning drawing pictures and writing letters to answer one question: 'what do you want to do when you grow up?'. Roman drew a drawing of him on the stage being a singer and an actor.
When it was Janus' turn to show his drawing he stood straight, cleared his throat, and spoke clearly like adults do. "When I'm grown up, I'm gonna be a pastor like my daddy and - and - and I'll attend church every day and help people be happy every day!"
Roman noticed the hesitation and falter in Janus' voice as he spoke about church though, and that stuck with him. He talked about his daddy a lot, and how his daddy said to do this, and not do that. There were a lot of things Janus was resistant to do because his daddy said it was bad. Roman could never live a life like that but Janus seemed overjoyed with all the restrictions... Until that falter in his speech.
*****
Janus never complained about his life though, even as a teenager. He seemed to be grateful for it in fact, constantly telling other teenagers that his family was putting him out of harm's way and they should resist temptations too. Janus became a star at track and field, because his father said running made a boy athletic and not boastful. He got straight A's and took all the best classes because his father said men should be educated so they could provide for their wives and children. He was applying to Ivy League universities because his father said all other universities just gave out illegitimate degrees to illegitimate students.
Roman got into the habit of waking up every Monday, Wednesday and Friday - because on those days Janus took a lap around the town just before school. Sure, it was a little creepy to be staring at a classmate he didn't speak to out of his bedroom window at 6am, but it was hard not to. It was easy to admit Janus was good-looking. His skin was tanned, his hair was dirty blond and straightened, cut short and organised. He was nice to look at especially when his cheeks were flushed.
"Aaaand you're creeping. It's Monday bro, he'll still be running past the day after tomorrow." Remus walked past his brother's door to watch him staring out the window like an excited puppy. Roman turned to his brother but quickly turned back. "I'd be surprised if he's out today though, we have an AP Politics exam first period."
"He's probably already done all the revision for it. He's super smart right?" Roman didn't hear a response from that other than a tired groan. Remus had a closer relationship to Janus than Roman did, as even though he was a troublemaker in average classes he seemed to somehow ace the AP classes. So he took a lot of the same AP classes Janus did. Unfortunately for Roman's fantasies, Remus didn't speak to Janus. Janus didn't seem to have a close relationship with everyone, everyone seemed to avoid him and his constant talks about what he was doing 'right' in life.
The bathroom door next to Roman's room opened and closed, and in that moment Janus ran across the sidewalk in front of Roman's house. He arrived at 6:09am, a little later than usual, maybe he was getting some extra revision in?
Roman lost his breath when he saw Janus stop running right in front of his house. The man was panting, his chest rising and falling under his yellow t-shirt, a hand brushed through his hair as he looked up at the sky and took a sip of his water bottle. Roman had known he was gay since fifth grade, and looking at boys like Janus really validated that. And as quick as that moment started, it ended as Janus carried on running. Roman watched him go in amazement at his existence.
*****
A few weeks later, Roman went to the bathroom during lunch break. As he entered the bathroom he heard a quick gasp - before silence. Either students having sex or crying was normal in this school, so Roman didn't pay it any mind. He just went to the next free stall and sat to do his business. The stall next to him seemed to be where the gasping came from.
The wall between the two stalls was quite high, but Roman couldn't see any feet. He could see a backpack, big and yellow and black. It looked familiar. There were no other identifying features of the backpack apart from a keychain on the zip of a bowler hat. Janus got a bowler hat keychain during a school trip to a hat factory in middle school... Wait, Janus could be crying in the toilets.
After doing his business Roman left the stall, then opened the door to the bathroom and closed it, without leaving. He just stayed silent. Soon, as if uncontrollable, the crying began again from the stall. Small swears were said in whispers.
"You're so stupid, how could you even fucking live like this? How can anyone live like this... Fucking God." That was Janus' voice, crying and shaky. It broke Roman's heart to hear Janus talking to himself like that, he was so perfect in every way, how could he call himself stupid?
"I'm still here." Roman eventually had to say something. The voice gasped and silenced again. "I'm the only person here though. And... um, I'm here to talk to if you need it."
The voice sniffed and feet dropped to the floor. "I don't need to talk, I'm just having a falter."
"And falters are OK. You don't have to be perfect all the time."
Janus snapped back with a very Janus response. "I'm not perfect, I'm just aiming to be good. And I can't even manage that." Janus burst into tears again, cries coming uncontrollably. Roman came closer to the stall and sat cross-legged at the door. Even though it was gross and unhygienic, it seemed as though Janus needed it.
"What's a good life to you?"
There was silence again as if Janus hadn't been asked that question before. Which he hadn't been, the normal response to Janus' ramblings by everyone else was just a nod and casual agreement. Janus' white sneakers stomped on each other and squeaked against the tile.
"Y'know, doing good at school, getting to a good college with a good major and scholarship, marrying a modest lady and having as many kids as God intends. Going to church every day - I just..." Janus started crying again, trying to catch his breath and finish his thoughts. A scream came through of absolute distraught. "I failed my AP Politics exam - I got a D!"
"That sounds really shitty, it sounds like you have a lot of pressure at the moment." A whispered 'yeah' escaped the stall as Janus calmed himself again. "But I'll be honest with you here - most people, if not everybody, wants good grades. But all you can do is try your best, life happens and shitty grades come with it. It won't effect marrying a - modest lady or whatever you want. Whoever you want to love will find you wherever you are."
Silence again until Janus spoke. "My father wants me to marry a modest lady." Again, this was a response Janus gave to everything. It seemed as though he never looked deeper into why he was just doing what his father said. "I don't want to marry a modest lady though."
... This was new. Janus never admitted to questioning things. "You don't have to. If you don't want to marry anyone you don't have to. If you do, you just have to marry someone you love."
"You're gay aren't you, Roman?" Wow - Janus knew Roman's name? Was him staring out of the window really that obvious? But Roman was known as 'the gay kid' in high school, although Janus had the view that he loved the gay person but not the act... Because that was his father's belief. Maybe that wasn't his belief though. "Is it hard to be gay?"
Roman tried to not freak out that his crush was asking him a very queer-coded question. He just needed support at the moment. "Um, sometimes it can be yes. There are people who don't want me to exist, or want me to hide it. But I won't - I'm happy being myself. I'm happy being gay."
The bell rang indicating the end of lunch. Both boys were quiet as they heard the bell as if they didn't know the meaning. The person behind the stall grabbed his backpack and stood, taking one last sniff before speaking. "Can you stand up? I don't want to hit you with the door." Roman stood up and backed away, gulping as the stall door opened. The other side of the stall was Janus - his hair was messy and his eyes were red and puffy. "Hey." Janus was looking directly at Roman, his eyes emotional and pleading. He still needed reassurance.
"You'll have a good life Janus. I'd love to see you live it."
Roman thought that line would mean he and Janus would be friends. He didn't expect Janus to take a deep breath, stand forward, grab Roman's cheeks by his palms, and kiss him. The kiss was quick but passionate, as if it was something that needed to be done. Roman was a flash of red cheeks as soon as the kiss ended. He grabbed Janus' shirt out of instinct with his eyes blown wide. "I... uh, can you just take a few seconds to explain that?"
Janus just smiled and said something completely uncharacteristic of him. "Do you want to skip class and go to the park? There's no way I can focus in study block." Roman had study block too so of course he agreed to that. Janus grabbed his hand and dragged him away.
*****
"So yeah, he'll probably think he can get aids by looking at me." Roman and Janus were lying on the dew grass together, staring at the clouds. Janus was telling Roman all about his real life - not the story that his parents were providing and he was going to church and felt well supported. There had been tears, more realisations, and now the pair were getting to the point Janus was smiling again.
"What's some things you'd really like to do? Stuff that you can't do." Roman questioned. Janus unleashed a big, freakish smile as the sun covered his eyes.
"I want to grow my hair out, dad says it'll make me look like a girl. I want to stop running every second morning because it fucking hurts my legs and I'm always tired. I want to - this is going to sound stupid." Roman raised an eyebrow but Janus sat up and took a deep breath. "Remember that kid Virgil? Who moved away after seventh grade?" Virgil was in the same middle school as Roman and Janus for a while, he was the only person that was close to Janus. They were both known as weird kids. "He had a pet snake, and I absolutely loved seeing it! It would crawl all over me and hiss in my face and made me feel calm, surprisingly." Roman couldn't help but smile as he looked up at Janus' face, he looked so happy with a child-like wonder in his eyes. "I've wanted a snake ever since but dad said they were the devil. So I want to get snake things - maybe not a pet snake until adulthood but I want at least a keychain of the animal. I can't believe that was a sin in my dad's books!"
Janus' voice was light and his chest was rising and falling again. Not out of exhaustion, but out of excitement. "Why are you in the track and field team? Is that another thing your dad forces you to do?" Janus silenced again, his eyebrows furrowed as he thought again. Roman also sat up. "Do you like running Jan?"
"I like running away from things." Janus joked, fiddling with his shoelace as he thought some more. "I liked running as a kid because it felt so freeing. I didn't have to focus on anything else, like how I looked or how I presented myself. It was just me and the wind. Like everything though - mom and dad saw opportunities to make me seem perfect to others. They were the ones to push me into competitions and scholarships for it."
Roman and Janus' faces were a couple of centimetres from each other, and Roman couldn't resist closing the distance. Again, the kiss was short for now, but it made Janus pause and that pleading look flashed in his eyes when Roman leant away again. In the same second Janus rushed his lips forward again, following Roman as he lay down, placing a knee between Roman's legs before realising how many steps he was taking. "I didn't know kissing could feel like this." Was all he said, quiet again, watching Roman smile nervously.
"Are you just doing this because I'm the only outwardly gay kid at school?" Roman dared to ask. Janus seemed shocked at that insinuation, eyes widening but he didn't move from his position.
"No! No, look, I..." A blush came to Janus' cheeks that made Roman smirk, but the eye contact remained. "I don't know many things right now. I know I'm going to avoid the barbers for a few months no matter what my parents say, I know we're going together to get that snake keychain I see three times a week when I run by the nic-nac store. And I know I'm going to marry you one day." Roman's cheeks were red hearing those words come from Janus' mouth. That was something he'd very much like too.
Some charisma flowed through Roman's veins at that confidence boost. He placed his palm at the back of his head and gave Janus a smirk, letting his eyes wonder up and down. That seemed to drive Janus crazy as his cheeks flushed as much as they did when he was running. "Marry me, huh? How about we start as boyfriends first?"
"Yes please." Janus' voice was almost a beg, as he leant down and started kissing Roman with all the passion he had hid in his body. He knew he needed Roman right now, he needed Roman's lips on his.
*****
The rest of Janus' teenage-hood was an absolute breeze compared to what came before. Instead of running and killing his legs in the morning, Janus would run to his boyfriend's house and stay there until school started to catch up on sleep. He refused to take more AP classes unless he had an interest, and instead took electives he wished he took earlier. Instead of going to college for law at an Ivy League as his father requested he went to the local college with Roman, majoring in communications and minoring creative writing, which absolutely enraged his family. Janus came out with that last disappointment, explaining all the lying he had to do and that Roman had been his boyfriend for three years. When he said they were very happy together his father hang up the call - and that was the last time they spoke.
Janus' twenties became a lot calmer, finally going no-contact with his family and being adopted by Roman's relatives. His hair was long enough for a braid and he got a snake tattoo on his twentieth birthday, grasping on Roman's hand through the pain. When the pair graduated, Roman became a theatre teacher for a middle school and Janus became a publisher, publishing his own novels on the side. He really loved writing, and he loved that he could explore that without the constant comments of being right or wrong. Everything Janus did was right - because he wanted to do it. A few years after graduating Roman and Janus adopted their first child - a snake called Viper. Now, reaching twenty nine, Janus knew he had the perfect life... Apart from one part.
"Uncle Remus will take care of you Vipey... Are you almost ready Jan?" Roman shouted from the other room, probably giving Viper one last cuddle. The theatre nerd loved taking Viper out of the tank and holding her. Janus was in the couple's bedroom packing suitcases - the couple were planning a romantic get-away to New York. Janus had a few meetings there and Roman always wanted to visit, so it seemed like the perfect idea.
"Almost! Just give me a second..." Everything was packed, there was just one last thing to hide. Janus searched through the locked dresser where the couple put envelopes and letters. He had hidden a very important thing in there. A small black box with a ruby ring inside.
Janus stared at the ring for a few minutes, letting everything process and sink in. He knew he was going to marry Roman, one day, and this Saturday was the day. The pair were going to see a Broadway show and Janus was going to get on one knee. He wasn't going to get on one knee in front of a woman of good social standing that would raise children well and obey the rules of an old book. He was going to get on one knee in front of the amazing Roman, who was silly and happy, and was way too attached to the snake that made Janus realise he had finally achieved his dream life. He was going on one knee in front of someone he truly loves.
"Babe?" Janus turned his head to see Roman at the doorway. Both men had wide eyes at each other and Roman had red cheeks, his eyes flicking between his soulmate and the small object he was holding. "I... I'm going to pretend I've not seen that yet, right?"
Janus gave his freakishly happy smile again and put the ring deep in the suitcase. Roman came over, kissed Janus' cheek, and matched his smile. "I love you so much, Jan." Roman whispered, kissing Janus' lips when the man faced him.
"I love you too Ro. So, so much."