Every pregnancy is different. You have already experienced this and every pregnancy was magical in its own way. You liked to be pregnant, even if it's tough from time to time, but you can't imagine anything more romantic. You carry a part of your big love inside you.
Week 8
"Good morning my angel, today we will see you for the first time." Jaehyun strokes the bare skin of your little belly. He kisses your ball and repeats this a few more times.
"I thought we should tell Miga tonight that she will get a new brother or sister. I haven't been able to hide my pregnancy for a long time and she's too smart." You laugh and stroke your stomach too. You stay like this for a while and enjoy it. You would like to lock yourself in with him here and never get out.
"I'm nervous. I haven't been out in a long time." It was just a difficult period. You were suddenly in the media and it was reported about you. Since Suji spread the rumor that Miga is the daughter of Doyoung. SM published the paternity test two days later, which testified that Jaehyun is the father. But some still feel for spreading hatred. Some fans went so far and waited in front of your apartment to insult you. The last week was hell and it was so stressful. The nausea of pregnancy made this all not easier.
"It's okay. I'm with you." Jaehyun sits up and gives you a kiss.
Jaehyun brought Miga to kindergarten and Sunoh to Johnny. Then he picks you up and you drive to the gynecologist together. Jaehyun was almost more excited than you and couldn't wait to see the scan. It was the most positive thing you were looking for. He was thinking all the time about how to tell Miga the good news. He was sure that she would be happy. She was sometimes jealous of Sunoh, but she was a good big sister and Jaehyun was so proud of her.
You didn't have to wait long when you were at the gynecologist and the doctor started immediately with the ultrasound. Jaehyun stood by you and held your hand. The doctor puts the gel on your stomach and starts the scan.
"Do you know what week you are in?" The doctor looked at the screen and you start counting.
"I should be in week 8." You also look at the screen and try to recognize something.
"Hmmm..." The doctor examined you further and you got a little restless. You look nervously at Jaehyun and he gently strokes your hand.
"I can't see much yet. It may be that the embryo was implanted later. The amniotic cavity is there, but I would like to have you there again for control in two weeks. How else do you feel?" The doctor put the device aside and cleaned you up again.
"I fell pretty sick and am quite tired." You pull your shirt down and sit up.
"I'll prescribe something for you." You nod and get up. Jaehyun looks at you a little worried and you turn to your doctor.
"Should we be concerned?" You take Jaehyun's hand firmly and squeeze it tightly.
"Not yet. I can only tell you more in two weeks. Then we'll see if the fetus has grown." She smiled and handed you your prescription.
"Ms. Jung, you should definitely avoid stress. I'll send you the ultrasound by email and we'll see you again at the next appointment." Her voice was very calm and you knew you might be worrying too much.
"Wow, I thought we'd be happier when we get out of here." Jaehyun was sitting on the driver's side of your car, looking into the void. You lean to the side and also don't know what to think. You also hoped to get home with more positive news.
"I mean, everything looks fine. Maybe the baby is just small." You sigh and stroke your stomach. There was no point in worrying too much now because you didn't know the answer anyway ...
Week 9
Jaehyun wasn't been focused at all the last week. He and you were still in the media because of Suji and he was worried about you and the child. Since you didn't tell anyone that you were pregnant, Jaehyun couldn't talk to anyone. Most of the time, when someone asked him, he always said it was about Suji. Again and again, he looked at the ultrasound picture to be able to recognize something.
"Everything okay?" His manager came to him because he realized that something was wrong. Jaehyun closed the picture and nodded.
"Sorry, my phone has something. I need to check my mail urgently. Can I use yours?" Jaehyun nodded absently and handed him his iPhone.
"Hey, is everything really okay?" Jungwoo sat next to him and he knew there was more.
"Yes, it's just a lot of everything right now." Jaehyun sighed and leaned back.
"But if you need someone to talk to, let me know okay?" Jungwoo looked seriously at his friend and Jaehyun was just happy to know that his friends were there for him. But he couldn't wait to get home to hug you and your children. He felt cheated by so many things and he wanted to lock himself at home with you, Miga and Sunoh. You were the only people he could still trust.
When he was home, Miga was already asleep. He sat down to her and stroked her head. Her breath was so sweet and sometimes she muttered something and Jaehyun had to smile and wondered what she was dreaming about. Cujo was lying next to his daughter. The two had a very close bonding. Miga took good care of the dog and Cujo was always by her side. He kissed her forehead and looked into Sunoh's room. He also slept soundly. Jaehyun also stroked his little head and watched him sleep for a while. He also kissed him and then came to you. You lie in bed and watch a little TV. You are trying to rest more recently. Johanna came over the last few days and helped you with the children and meanwhile a good friendship developed between you.
"Hey. Are you okay?" He lay down in bed with you, gave you a kiss and hugged you. You snuggle up to him and nod.
"Yes, now." You feel its warmth and close your eyes. He holds his hand on your stomach and you stay that way until you slowly fall asleep in his arms.
The next day was Sunday and you decide to start the day slowly. Jaehyun didn't have to go to the company and you sit comfortably at breakfast. Miga ate her pancakes and she was always happy when her father was with her. Jaehyun's phone rang but he ignored it. The phone continued to ring, but he muted it and then it was your phone.
"Jaehyun, have a look. I think that's important." You sigh and your husband got up and looked at the display. He froze and slowly you became curious.
"What's happening?" A thousand questions went through your head, but then you looked at your phone and suddenly you had several messages congratulating you on your pregnancy.
"Why does everyone know about my pregnancy?" You look at Jaehyun in panic, but he didn't know what to say either.
"Mummy has a baby in her belly again?" Miga looks back and forth. She was just too intelligent, and you couldn't hide anything from her anymore.
"Yes, my little one, Mummy has a baby in her belly." He kissed her forehead but then sits down to you.
"Dispatch leaked the ultrasound images." He showed you the article and you read everything through. It was without a doubt the ultrasound image was from the last exam.
"Where did they get that from?" You were totally in panic and you didn't know what to do.
"I have no idea." Jaehyun continued to stare at the article. At that moment you were totally done. You didn't even know for sure whether this child was alive and now everyone just knew that you were pregnant.
"How could that happen?" Tears ran down your cheeks.
"Hey, it'll be all right. Don't think too much, because you need to care for the baby." Jaehyun tried to gently stroke your stomach, but you were panicked. You couldn't just forget that.
"Mummy don't cry." Miga came to you and put her arms around your lap. You stroke her head, but you couldn't stop crying.
"There is definitely Suji behind it. Why can't she just leave us alone?" The tears on your cheeks couldn't stop. It was exactly what you wanted to avoid. How did Dispatch get these photos?
Week 10
You couldn't keep a secret that you were nervous. You had hardly slept the night. The past few days have been tough. That Dispatch was making your pregnancy public makes your life not easy. First the drama about Miga's fatherhood and then that. You and Jaehyun were the favorite topic in Korea right now. And since you or SM hadn't made a statement, many rumors came up. Reporters stood at your door, called. It was so busy that you even had to take Miga out of kindergarten for the week. It went so far that reporters and photographers waited in front of the kindergarten. But since other children of famous or important people also visited it, the management didn't want any more attention and it was better to take Miga out for a while.
Miga and Sunoh were with Johnny and Johanna today. Jaehyun promised to tell them more, but that you still had to clarify a few things. The couple totally understood this and asked no further questions.
"Jaehyun I'm scared." You couldn't get out of the car. You didn't want to know, hear or see anything. You couldn't get any bad news anymore. Your gynecologist ordered you to the clinic straight away because they had an early pregnancy unit there. Jaehyun put his hand on your thigh and looked at you.
"No matter what happens. We can do it. I love you." His words meant everything to you at that moment. You summarize all your courage and get out of the car.
You were quiet all the way, nobody said anything. You were nervous, afraid and you couldn't stand the tension anymore.
You were taken to the examination room and your gynecologist immediately started with the ultrasound. Apparently, she could see your tension right away. You already knew all of this. The gel on your skin, the device on your stomach. The doctor looked at the screen and examined your inside.
"Have you had bleeding in the past two weeks?" Her eyes were still on the screen.
"No, nothing at all." You became more and more nervous and you feel how everything got darker in the room.
"Has your nausea got worse?" You wonder why the doctor asked so many questions and suddenly you feel Jaehyun's hand tighten.
"Yes, it is." Was it good or bad? You just wanted to know the answer.
The doctor put the device aside, wiped off the gel and turned the chair towards you.
"Mrs. Jung, I'm sorry. The fetus hasn't grown. I couldn't find a heartbeat. Even if the fertilization took place later, you should hear a heartbeat from now on." She sighed and put her hands together. You didn't know what to say. You look at Jaehyun, who also looked horrified at the doctor.
"But I'm pregnant. My stomach has grown, I've vomited. I have no blood. I feel pregnant. I've had two pregnancies, I know how it feels." You didn't want to admit it. It couldn't be. You already had a little belly. You were sure that your baby had grown.
"You have a missed miscarriage. This means that the fetus doesn't come off on its own. You feel all the symptoms and your belly grows because the body still believes it is pregnant because of the hormones." The doctor was so loving and tried to explain everything well, but you were so angry with her even though she wasn't the reason for this. Your eyes became blurred and tears rose. It just couldn't be true.
"But I ..." You lose your words and the first tear left you.
"I know that everything is very uncomfortable, but I would still like to do the dilation and curettage today." The doctor takes something out of her desk and fills a glass of water.
"What? Today?" Jaehyun finally found his words.
"Yes. I have no appointments for the next two weeks and then it's too late. We have to do it quickly." She put the glass of water next to you and handed you a pill.
"Is there a reason why that happened?" Jaehyun looked worried at the doctor. He didn't want it to be true.
"There are many reasons. Miscarriages are somewhat normal. Every woman experiences this once, but most of the time they don't even notice it. Your wife's body was still weak from the last birth and factors such as stress can also count. But in the end, you didn't know it." The doctor sighed and you finally took the pill in your hand.
"Take this. It is important that the uterus softens. You will be taken to a room and then they will give you general anesthesia. I would like to keep you here for a few more hours, but you can go home then. I will leave you alone with it now, so you can speak about all of this." The doctor looked at you and went out of the room. When the doctor closed the door, you pulled your legs up to you and start crying bitterly. Your whole body ached, your heart broke in two pieces and you thought you would never get over this pain. Jaehyun came to you and hugged you. It was silent and the only thing left was the pain ...
Everything happened so fast. You came to the room and soon the anesthetic began. The procedure should only take 15 to 20 minutes. Jaehyun stayed with you all the time. He tried to distract you, but you were no longer yourself.
"It will be alright." Jaehyun has your hand firmly in his. He kissed it and the nurse loosened the bed so they could push you into the operating room.
"Jaehyun, I'm sorry." You didn't know what you were saying yourself, but you felt guilty.
"What? No, everything is fine." He looked at you and the nurses led you away.
And then suddenly the room was quiet. But he wasn't ready to allow his thoughts. He took his iPhone and chose Johnny's name.
"Hey Jaehyun, is everything all right? Miga and Sunoh are fine." It was good to hear a friend's voice.
"Johnny, can the kids stay with you for a few more hours?" Jaehyun didn't want to leave you alone. It already hurt so much, he couldn't imagine how you were doing now.
"Yeah sure. I know I shouldn't ask questions, but are you okay?" Johnny sounded worried.
"No. Y/N is being operated now." Jaehyun didn't know how to handle it all.
"Hey, you know what. Miga is already very tired anyway and you gave us enough supply of milk for Sunoh. What if we take the children until tomorrow?" Jaehyun was grateful for his suggestion.
"Thanks, Johnny. I appreciate that."
"No problem."
Until you finally come out of the operating room, he still talked with his daughter because he didn't want to be alone yet. But it wasn't long before they were brought back into the room. You haven't been with you yet. You lie semi-unconscious in bed and don't notice anything around you. Jaehyun could hardly stand this sight. He lay down in bed with you and waited until you came back to yourself. But even then, you were just an empty shell.
After a few hours, the doctor came and there was another examination. You let it all go through you, but Jaehyun couldn't watch this all. He saw how it hurt you. But everything went well and the baby was fully removed. You got some informational materials and then Jaehyun took you home and put you to bed. He sat next to you and snuggled up to you.
"It's my fault. I really wanted this child." It was the first words you spoke after the operation.
"What? Don't say that." Jaehyun stroked your back and you place your head on his lap.
"Even though everything was so risky, I thought it would work. I disappointed you. I failed, I'm so sorry." The pain was numb for a few hours, but now you feel your heart torn apart. This pain was so cruel. At that moment you didn't know how to continue living. At that moment you can only bear this pain.
"You didn't fail and you didn't disappoint me." Jaehyun hurt all this, and he couldn't believe that you think that he would be disappointed.
"I'm so tired." You feel so weak and exhausted more and more.
"Then sleep." You can feel him running his fingers through your hair. You close your eyes and you hear his voice.
"You don't know, babe When you hold me and kiss me slowly it's the sweetest thing..."
His voice was the only good thing of the day. You notice how you stop crying.
"...and it don't change if I had it my way you would know that you are"
His hands were so warm and his skin on yours felt so good.
"You're the coffee that I need in the morning You're my sunshine in the rain when it's pouring"
It was the last verse you had noticed before you fell asleep.
And you dream in your sleep, but it wasn't actually a dream, more a memory that came back up. It was when your relationship was at a difficult point. There was no Sunoh, no Miga and you weren't married at this time. At that time you already had a miscarriage, only that it went off alone, like a normal menstrual period.
You thought there would be no future for you two anymore. You were back in your old little apartment in Seoul. Jaehyun was standing in front of you. He had just come into the apartment with his coat and shoes on. His eyes were desperate and hurt.
"Why don't you talk to me anymore?" His hands were deep in his jacket pocket. He seemed nervous.
"I have nothing more to say to you. Comfort yourself with all the pretty idols." You didn't want to talk at that moment. What you saw was enough.
"That isn't true and why do I have to find out from Sicheng that you are pregnant?" He went one step further to you. But you don't say you were frozen. You stare at him and try to find your word.
"Do we have a baby?" Jaehyun put his hand on your upper arm and looked at you with concern. Your heart ached because you had lost so much in the few weeks. But his touch hurts and you pull your hand away immediately.
"We are nothing, Jaehyun. The only thing that connected us is death. I lost it. Now go!"
You wake up from that memory and you were all sweaty. It was night, but Jaehyun wasn't next to you. You quickly feel painful cramps and quickly take a pill. But you hear soft music from the living room and when you looked at the clock you could see that it was 3 am.
You slowly sneak out of the bedroom and see Jaehyun sitting on the couch. He was leaning against the backrest with a wine glass. You could see that the bottle was empty. And in his hands, he held the Fendi baby romper he had given you before. He was so excited about the new child.
And when you got closer to him, you see that he was crying. His eyes were red and swollen. You were only focused on yourself. You had completely forgotten that he also received pain. You sit next to him and lean your head against his shoulder.
"Thank you for being there for me." You stroke his hand by holding the Fendi baby romper. You stare at him for a while, but then Jaehyun tries to keep his composure. You had never seen him cry before and you didn't quite know how to handle it.
"We should give it to Johnny and Johanna." He sighed and quickly drank his glass. But you're holding onto the fabric.
"No. It was meant for him or her and it was your present for our angel." It's funny, you always talked about it being your angel and now it's come true.
And when you said the words, Jaehyun leaned his forehead against yours.
"I love you so much." You could see that he was drunk and you could also see his pain. But you put your hands in his face and look at him.
"I love you so much too."