The day I leave.
I wake up early and get ready for my flight. My stomach was in knots and I felt like I could puke any second. My eyes were swollen from crying all night thinking about how that was going to be the last night I'd ever be in his house.
It really did feel like home here— or maybe that was just him.
I walk downstairs with my suitcase and see Nick sitting on the couch. His face was covered up by his hands and I could hear him softly, crying to himself.
Without hesitation, I walk up to him and bring his head into a tight hug.
"Fuck, sorry. I'm so weak." He sniffles.
"No, you're not." I reply, wiping away a tear that had rolled down my cheek. "This hurts really bad. If you weren't upset. I'd be kinda mad at you." I sadly, giggle.
He leans his head up to look at me. His eyes showed signs of him crying all night, too. "I don't want this. You know that, right?" He says, through a raw voice.
"I know." My voice was quite.
"I hate myself." He groans.
"Stop." I say, holding the sides of his face in my hands. I thumb away a tear of his. "We both know this is what needs to be done." I tell him.
He takes a deep breath and grips his chest. "I feel sick." He says.
"Me too." I sigh. "I feel like I'm going to throw up."
"Me too." He leans his forehead onto my stomach. "I don't know if I can do this..."
"—You can."
He starts to fully release his emotions, completely breaking down into a sobbing mess. "I can't imagine coming home to this big empty house. Everything here reminds me of you now."
I sit on his lap and hug him tightly. I push my face into the crook of his neck and we both cry together.
"I'm going to miss you so much, Nick." I say, through a heavy flow of tears.
"I—I really don't think I can do it." He says, squeezing me hard as if he wasn't going to let go.
"You have to." I tell him.
"Please, just fucking stay with me." He begs, through red strained eyes.
"I can't do that." I whimper. "You know I can't."
"I'm so sorry, I'll treat you better. I'll be nicer.. I'll go to therapy if that's what you want. Just don't leave me, please." He stares at me with a quivering bottom lip.
"Nick.." I cry. "It's too late."
"Well, then move to Florida, but still be my girlfriend. I'll come visit you every bi-week and we can FaceTime constantly."
"—But I'm not your girlfriend, remember? We broke up." I tell him.
"Did we, though?" He stares at me.
"Yes, Nick. We did."
"I'll do anything you want, please take me back." He continues to beg. "I fucked up, I know that, but I won't do it again."
"Nick.."
"Liliana, please!" He desperately, pleads. "There's no, possible way I'll be able to live without you. I'm going to be so fucking depressed."
"Me too, but I'm depressed when I'm with you as well, so I think we need to take sometime as separated."
"Really?" He stares into my watery eyes. "You're depressed when you're with me?" He questions me, painfully.
"Sometimes." I reply, softly.
He tenderly reaches up and dries away a tear. He then reaches the side of my jaw and turns my face to his. He kisses my lips, then my nose and he reaches my wet cheek and kisses my tears softly.
"I'm so sorry for everything I've done." He says. "I really will regret it for the rest of my life."
"I'm sorry for everything I've done, too." I confess. "This wasn't all your fault."
"This lost is the worst lost I've ever had. This is going to kill me." His voice was solemn. He hugs me tighter.
"Don't say that." I whisper.
"—But you were supposed to be mine."
"I know."
"Liliana.." He starts to breath erratically. "I feel like I'm going to have a fucking heart attack." He starts hyperventilating.
"Shhh." I whisper, and pet the top of his head. "Just breath, okay?"
"It hurts, so fucking bad." He replies through tears, massaging his fist over his heart as if he could rub away the pain.
"I know it does." I tell him.
"What time is it?" He says through short breaths of air.
"6:59 AM." I answer, after checking my phone.
"Fuck, we gotta go." He replies, quickly wiping away tears and taking a deep breath.
I follow him upstairs and watch him pull a shirt on over his head. It was gut wrenching to look at him. He looked so miserable and I'm sure I looked the same.
"Fuck." He randomly groans, rushing into the bathroom where he throws up.
I go to his side and comfort him, but also, felt like I could probably throw up myself.
"It's going to be okay." I say, rubbing his back.
"It's not going to be okay, what the hell are you talking about?!" He looks up at me and wipes his mouth. "Why are you doing this to me?" I could literally, see his heart breaking.
"I'm not doing anything to you, Nick. I'm trying to make things better." I tell him.
"How is this making things better?" He leans back on his heels.
"—Because this is going to help us to grow."
He grunts. "—But are we like going to get back together? Is that even an option?"
"I don't know yet, Nick."
"Are you going to still talk to me? Will you answer your phone if I call you?" The desperation in his voice hurt like hell. I think this man was sickly, in love with me. I knew he was, but I hadn't exactly noticed the extent of love it was until now.
"Yes."
"Promise?" His eyes soften.
"I promise." I agree.
*
Joey meets us at Nicks house. I was first out the door to greet Joey, rolling my suitcase mournfully down into the driveway. Nick was still inside, I think he was trying to compose himself.
Once I get closer to Joey, I could see that his eyes were also, worn by tears. This made me want to cry all over again.
"Lili.." He sighs, taking my suitcase and placing it into the trunk of Nicks car. He clears his voice. "So, Nick and I already talked about selling your Prius. We'll send you the money." He says, avoiding the actual moment in time.
"Okay, thank you." I reply, staring up at him.
"Where's Nick?" He questions.
"He'll be out soon." I say.
"Is he alright?" Joey asks.
"I don't think so."
"Yeah, that was a dumb question." He softly, replies.
"What about you, are you okay?" He rubs the side of his eye.
"No, I'm not."
"Same. This is way harder on me then what I thought it was going to be." He says, leaning against the car and pulling me closer to him so that he could embrace me within a hug. "You really did a number on the Bosa brothers, huh?"
I softly, laugh at that. "You guys really did a number on me, if anything." I tell him.
"Can I kiss you, one last time?" He asks.
I look towards the front door. "I don't know.." I stall.
"Please?" He gently, says tilting up my face.
I finally, nod.
He delicately brings his head down to touch his lips to mine and we share a smooth, muted kiss.
Nick comes out just as we are breaking apart and he stands still. I was worried for his reaction, but instead of getting angry he asks. "Do you guys need a minute?"
"No, we're good." Joey replies, slapping his palm against the side of the car. "Let's get going."
*
Once we arrive at the airport, Nick pulls over into the unloading zone.
"I guess this is it." Joey says, unbuckling his seat belt and staring back at me.
I was already crying again. In this moment I almost felt outside of myself, like I was having an outer body experience and none of this was actually, happening.
—But it was and that made my heart break even more.
Nick keeps his hands clenched to the steering wheel.
Joey gets out and retrieves my suitcase from the trunk. He pokes his head back through the car door and looks at Nick. "Come on, get out and say goodbye." He tells him.
"I can't." Nick says, through heavy breath.
"Nick.." My heart starts to beat in a disoriented rhythm.
"I fucking can't. Okay?!" His voice cracks.
"Please, say goodbye to me, Nick." I ask, sadly.
"Goodbye." He quickly, says. His eyes avoid mine in the rear view mirror.
"Really?" I sigh. "That's how you're going to end this?" The pain was unimaginable. It was damn near, crippling. This made me wonder how I was even going to reach my gate in one piece.
"I'm sorry. I can't do it. I can't watch you leave." He wipes his eyes. "I hope you find everything you're looking for in Florida." He softly, says.
"Goodbye, then Nick." I cry.
I get out of the car and round the back. Joey immediately embraces me in a tight hug and kisses the top of my head. "You are amazing and strong. Don't forget that." He tells me.
"Thank you." I smile up at him through sloppy tears.
"You got this." He says, also wiping his eyes. "Your going to make all those little high school boys crazy."
He makes me laugh. "Im going to miss you guys." I stare at Nick through the car window, but he still refuses to even look at me.
"Welp." I add. "Good luck next season. Just know that you are extremely, talented and I know you are going to do just as equally, amazing things."
"Thanks, Lili." He gives me a half smile.
"Goodbye, Joey." I say.
"Goodbye, Lili." He nods.
I start to walk down the side walk pavement into the airport, until I hear heavy footsteps coming up from behind me. I turn to see Nick and he swoops me up into his arms.
"I love you so much." He cries into my shoulder.
"I love you, too." I reply.
He lets me down and reaches into his pocket and pulls out my torn panties from the first night we were together.
"Do you want these back?" He smiles, but his face still looked so sad.
I search around hoping no strangers seen what he was holding in his hand.
"Keep them, as a memory."
"I'm going to fall a fucking part as soon as I watch you walk into that airport. You know that, right?" He says.
"Then don't watch me." I tell him. "Pretend this was all just a dream."
Song for this chapter: Adele- Love You in the Dark- Lyrics.
🏈