"Kayla, is this you?" Hanna's voice sounds really concerned. "Yes." I answer finally. She starts talking to me and trying to convince me. "Kayla, you're my best friend, I really don't want to you to hurt yourself. You mean everything to me. Please put that razor away." I shrug. "No one cares. My mum is murdered by my dad. Joe dumbed me. Nobody likes me anymore. And I don't like myself either."
"Kayla, listen, I like you, a lot. I don't know, but that Joe is acting like an asshole and he doesn't realize what an amazing person he let go." I start crying even harder and I can't blame her. She doesn't know why we broke up.
I hear Zoe, Alfie and Chai walking into the house. We've talked for a solid hour. "My roommate came home, I have to go." I say. "Remember that I love you." Hanna says and I say that I love her too. I disconnect and put the razor in my closet, not now.
"Hi Kayla!" Zoe greats me really happy. "Hi, how was London?" Zoe starts rambling on for a long time about how much fun London was. It seems like they had the best time. "I'm so tired now! Did you have dinner already?" I shake my head. "No but I'm really not hungry." She nods her head. Everyone is getting ready for bed.
I walk into the living room where Alfie is sitting on the couch. I want to know his opinion. "Alfie, if I'm going to ask you something, will you promise to tell no one?" He nods his head. "Did you ever felt like you didn't want to live anymore?" Alfie frowns and thinks deeply but shakes his head then. "No, I don't think I have ever thought that. Come here." I sit down next to him.
"Look, life is difficult sometimes. Sometimes it's amazing and sometimes it's really stupid. I think you have one of those stupid periods, but on the brighter side, if it completely sucks, it only will be better." I nod my head, I don't want to upset him. "If you feel bad, you should try and deal with it and everything will be better." He winks and I hug him. "Thanks Alfie."
I changed my clothes for my pjs and walk from the bathroom back to the bedroom. I think everyone's asleep already. I grab the razor and walk with it to the bathroom again and lock myself. I'm so disappointed in myself.
I get into bed. I checked my phone every minute for the past two hours. I just want to see if Joe has changed his mind, but he never did. I've cut myself again, I don't deserve anything but pain and it felt like I finally got what I deserve. I really hate myself. Joe doesn't love me, even though he said he did. Nobody loves me. Hanna just says she does, but she can't love me. I want to tell Hanna but she will tweet Joe, and I don't want him to know this. I don't want to upset him even more. I tweet one last time;
"I actually did it, I'm so sorry."
I get into my bed and stare at my wrists, everywhere are scratches and cuts. They are burning as hell. I start crying as quietly as I can, so I won't wake anyone. I put my hands over my eyes. I suck at life.
I open my eyes a bit. They hurt a lot. I probably fell asleep when I was crying. My phone is lighting because I got a new message. I grab my phone, my head hurts so much. When my eyes can handle the fell light I see the notification;
Message from Joe (4).
I gasp and I want to open it so badly. I shouldn't expect much though. Maybe he's just saying that my bag is still there, what's true. I click on the messages.
Hi.. Even though I'm mad, I just wanted to say goodnight and I love you. I don't want you to go to bed when you're upset.
Kay, are you asleep already? :(
I saw your tweets on you fan account..
I can't go to sleep knowing that you're upset, please answer?
My heart is beating so fast, it's unreal. I'm scared for what Joe knows. I have to be quiet. I slowly get out of the room. Everywhere are people sleeping. I sit down in the bathroom. Should I text him back now? I feel like I shouldn't, but he's the only one who has the right to be mad.
Hi Joe, I was asleep, but I'm not anymore, obviously.. I never wanted to upset you. And you shouldn't be wondering about me being upset. You never did anything wrong. I am the one who's doing things wrong and I'm really really really sorry..
I love you more Joseph :( xx
I'm not expecting him to forgive me. I love him so much, even now he's upset and mad he still wants me to be okay. He is so perfect and I can never do anything good. It doesn't matter how hard I try..
I put my phone on the ground and lay back on my back, just starring at the ceiling. I'm only laying like this for a few minutes when I see my phone lighting again.
Kayla, I just need to know one thing, are you completely fine? You're tweets are worrying me. Please be honest.
Shit. I'm absolutely not fine. I don't want to upset him even more. On the other hand, I don't want to lie to him. The truth is always the right thing to do right? Well, I can't do anything good now.
To be honest, no, not at all. But don't worry about me, I deserve it.
I click send and put my phone away, again. Joe shouldn't care about me anymore. I feel like this is the only way I can be punished for what I did. I'm a bad person. I close my eyes and tears fall on my pillow.
I hate myself.