-
"How's Judith?" Negan asked me as I approached him.
"She's good." I answered as I stood a couple feet away from him while he hammered a nail into a two-by-four.
"White Oak still standing, huh?" He questioned as he pulled a nail out of the pouch on his hip.
"Yep." I muttered.
"How's Lana?" He asked, glancing up at me with a stupid smirk on his lips.
"Fuck you." I ordered.
"Name a time and place and I'll be there." He joked before giving me a cheeky grin.
"Your house. Tonight." I replied as his eyes met mine.
"I'm joking, Tolliver." He stated as he hammered another nail.
"I'm not." I replied as I crossed my arms. He turned and studied my eyes a bit before glancing behind me only to return his full attention to me shortly after.
"What's got into you?" He asked.
"Nothing and that's the problem." I replied as I returned a grin.
"Damn. What defines 'tonight'?" He joked as he looked to his watch.
"You'll just have to wait up for me." I replied as I glanced over to the barn where Rick and Glenn stood talking.
"I can do that." He stated as he handed me his hammer.
"You sure? I thought old people went to bed early." I replied, tilting my head to the side.
"What's with you calling me old?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows.
"You're forgetful, you're grumpy as hell, and you got some gray hair peeking through." I answered as I placed my hand in his hair and ruffled it up.
"What about ED? You got that yet?" I asked, smirking as he slowly turned to face me.
"ED?" He questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"You know... erectile dysfunction." I answered while crossing my arms.
"I know what ED is and there is nothing dysfunctional with my erection." He replied as he took a step toward me.
"Hmm. Must've missed ya then." I replied as I looked down at the bulge in his pants.
"Hmm." He mocked while narrowing his eyes at me.
"You're the reason for the gray hair. Actually, all of those things." He stated.
"Me?" I inquired.
"We could sneak off right now, you know." He offered as he took the hammer from my hand.
"Nah. I'm gonna make you wait." I replied, smiling innocently.
"Sorry I'm late." Lincoln apologized as he ran up to us.
"Didn't expect anything else from you." Negan replied as he handed him a hammer.
"Hey, Jess." Lincoln acknowledged me.
"Hi." I replied, briefly glancing at him.
"How's your daughter?" He inquired.
"She's good." I answered.
"I heard about you and Rick. I know how it feels to be screwed over. If you need someone to talk to I've got a good shoulder to cry on." He replied as he patted his shoulder with his hand.
"I'm good." I replied dryly as I mentally rolled my eyes.
"Hey, if there's a day you wanna get out of here for a little while I'm your guy. I know the best hiking trails around here with some really good views to get your mind off things." He offered before kneeling down and hammering a nail into a board.
"Thanks." I replied, awkwardly. I glanced to Negan who looked to me before staring a hole through Lincoln.
"What?" Lincoln asked, looking to Negan.
"You've got terrible game." Negan stated.
"Game?" Lincoln inquired.
"I'll see you later." I told Negan as I returned my attention to him.
"You still didn't tell me a time." Negan stated.
"A time ruins the anticipation. I'll be there when I get there." I replied as a smirk made it's way onto my lips.
"Oh. Hey, my bad. Didn't know you two had something going on there." Lincoln stated, looking to Negan with fear in his eyes.
"You're free to join us." I told Lincoln before looking to Negan to watch his reaction.
"Join you doing what exactly? I mean, I think I have an idea—"
"Tolliver, get your ass to work." Negan ordered me, knowing I was joking. I laughed to myself before looking to Lincoln who was staring at us in confusion.
"Sorry, I just like messing with him." I told Lincoln.
"Hey, it's okay. Just so we're clear, if you are into that, I'm down." Lincoln replied, his eyes on mine.
"She's not." Negan snapped.
I smiled and turned away before heading to the barn to help Glenn with the calf.
-
"How's that for old man?" Negan asked as he lied down beside me.
"Pretty damn good." I replied as I turned over on my side.
"You almost got Lincoln's ass beat today." He stated while turning his head to look at me.
"How so?" I inquired as I propped myself up on my elbow.
"You got his gears grinding and he wouldn't work." He answered.
"Gears grinding?" I questioned.
"You flirting with him was the most female interaction he's had in months." He explained as he turned over on his side to face me.
"I wasn't flirting with him." I replied, defensively.
"Okay, what do you call inviting someone for a threesome then?" He asked.
"It was a joke. I enjoy pissing you off." I answered as I scooted closer to him.
"Well you're real damn good at it." He stated while resting his hand on my bare hip.
"I've gotta get back to Magnolia. I'm sure Rick's about to lose his mind between her and Judith." I muttered as I stood up from his bed.
As soon as I said his name, guilt hit me like a truck. Why?
"He know where you're at?" He asked, his eyes meeting mine.
"No." I answered as I pulled my jeans up my legs.
"I'm sure he put two and two together." He stated.
"Good. I don't care." I mumbled as I picked my bra off of the floor.
"You sure about that?" He asked, his eyes studying me as I put my bra on.
"Yeah." I answered as I circled his bed to search for my shirt.
What did I do?
Stop. I owe Rick absolutely nothing.
Nausea began stirring in my stomach as I continued searching for my shirt.
"You regret it." He stated from behind me.
"I don't regret it." I replied, turning to face him.
"Look me in the eyes." He ordered as he took a step forward.
I brought my eyes to his as he slid his fingers through the belt loop on my jeans and pulled me into him.
"I don't regret it." I stated as I looked into his eyes. I placed my hands on his chest before moving them to the back of his neck as he held me against him.
"Maybe you should stay a bit longer." He muttered as I studied his lustful eyes.
"Maybe I should." I replied as he pressed his lips to my neck.
I sighed and breathed in his woodsy cologne as he moved his lips toward my jaw and his hands to the back of my bra.
I briefly closed my eyes as my mind fought with my heart over my current situation.
"I really should go." I mumbled, changing my mind as I placed my hands on his arms.
"What is it then?" He asked.
"I have guilt." I confessed.
"You shouldn't. We're just fucking. There isn't any feelings involved. Why does it even matter? He fucked you over more times than I can count." He replied as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
No feelings involved.
"Okay." I replied sharply as I snatched my shirt from the floor.
"What?" He asked, nothing my abrupt mood change.
"Nothing." I sighed as I pulled my boots on.
He stepped back and chuckled before picking his sweatpants off of the floor.
"What are you laughing at?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.
"You. You came here, I fucked the shit out of you— which is what you wanted, by the way—changed your mind up, and now you're taking your bullshit out on me. If you love Rick so much that you can't even look at another man without feeling guilty, you got some shit you need to work out." He answered while laying back onto his bed.
"You're right." I replied as I left his room without another word.
"Um, hi?" Tara greeted as I walked by the small living room.
"Hi." I snapped as I walked to the door.
"Wait. What the hell are you doing here?" She asked.
"I have no idea." I replied as I opened the door.
I made my way back to the main house, feeling a pit in my stomach grow more intense the closer I got to the porch.
Is it because Negan sees me as just a fuck buddy and nothing else? Or is it because I love Rick and I feel guilty for sleeping with another man?
Big mistake. Big damn mistake.
Why do I have feelings for Negan? Why do I feel bad for sleeping with him? Why do I feel so much guilt? Why would I do it again?
I'm so fucked up.
I walked up onto the porch right as Rick left the house before closing the door behind him.
"Where were you?" Rick asked.
"Does it matter?" I asked.
I froze as he stepped forward and his eyes narrowed at me while he pushed my hair back off of my shoulder.
"Who were you with?" He asked, his finger touching the tender spot on my neck.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and avoided his sharp eyes as he continued studying me. He inhaled a breath before grabbing my chin and tilting my head up.
"Look at me." He ordered. I finally brought my eyes to his and immediately burst into tears.
"Who?" He asked, staring into my teary eyes.
"Negan?" He guessed as he stepped away from me.
I wiped my cheeks with my hands and remained silent as he continued to study me.
"Did you sleep with him?" He asked, tilting his head to the side. I bit down on my bottom lip and looked away from him in silence.
"It's not any of your business." I replied, realizing he had no right to be questioning my life anymore.
He took another look at me before shaking his head and walking off of the porch without another word.
I entered the house with tears streaming down my face with Maggie immediately jumping off of the couch to get to me.
"Jess, what's wrong?" She asked, grabbing my arms.
"Everything!" I answered as she wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly.
"Come on. Let's go out and get some air." She ordered as she pulled me out the front door.
She closed the door behind us before pulling me over to the chair to sit.
"Tell me what's going on." She demanded.
"I slept with Negan. It was great. Then we kinda got into a minor argument because I started feeling guilty for sleeping with him. He told me he basically doesn't have feelings for me— which is fine because he doesn't know that I do. And then I leave and come here and Rick is inspecting and interrogating me about where I've been." I explained quickly.
"You slept with Negan?" She whispered, her eyes widening.
"Rick and I aren't together— not at all. He got pissed because he figured out where I was and what I did. He acted like I am the scum of this earth." I rambled on as I wiped the tears from my face.
"This is so messy." She sighed.
"And I miss Rick. I miss how we used to be. I miss being happy. I miss feeling wanted. He's my home and I don't have him anymore. I'm empty. My only reason for getting out of bed anymore is Magnolia. I'm so tired. I'm tired." I continued as Maggie knelt down beside me.
"Look. Take a breath. Let it out." She ordered.
"I think Rick is experiencing his own guilt and regrets. He's got a taste of his own medicine and it hurts. Just overlook him and do what is best for you and your baby girl. He fucked up. That's on him, not you." She stated while wiping a tear from my cheek.
"I played a huge part in our failed relationship. It's not just him. I fucked up too." I replied.
"Do you like Negan?" She inquired.
"I'm attracted to him, yeah." I answered.
"Would you get back with Rick if you had another opportunity?" She questioned.
"If I knew we wouldn't end in flames? Yes." I replied.
"I think you and Rick need to have an extensive talk about the beginning of your relationship to the end. The good, the bad, the ugly. If you both love each other, you should be together and fight for your relationship. Marriage isn't easy. Every day can be a battle. But at the end of the day, the love exceeds all the troubles." She advised while staring into my eyes.
"I'm tired of the back and forth. I'm tired of thinking it's gonna work and then it blows up in my face every fucking time." I replied.
"That's why you both need to communicate. Find out what exactly is causing the bullshit and fix it. Work together, not against each other." She explained.
"I'm the last person he wants to talk to right now. He will never want anything to do with me again after tonight." I stated as I put my head in my hands.
"Did he not do the same with Lana? He needs to show you the grace you showed him." She replied while wiping more of my tears with the sleeve of her jacket.
"And Negan— I like the way he makes me feel. We don't have a past, we have no expectations, no bullshit.. He makes me feel things I haven't felt in a long time." I sighed as I returned my head to my hands.
"It's the same as when you and Rick first got together, right? The flirting, playfulness, infatuation, intimacy, newness..." Maggie replied as she stood up from her knees.
I nodded my head, realizing that maybe that's why I was drawn to Negan.
"I think you should talk to Rick. Try to work things out, start over, take things slow, work on the bad, and date again. Find the spark again. Make yourselves each others number one priority." She explained while staring down at me.
"We talked at White Oak, but didn't solve anything. Just kinda addressed both of us being the problem." I replied.
"Give him space, give yourself space. When you think you're ready, see if he'll talk with you." She replied.
I nodded my head and inhaled a deep breath of the cool night air before standing up from the chair.
"You know you can talk to me, Jess. Glenn told me about your chat the other night." She stated.
"I know. He wasn't much help and he slipped some things to Rick." I replied, trying to lighten our conversation.
"I think he was trying to help." She replied, laughing softly.