I curl further in on myself, the duvet coocooning me, making me feel like a caterpillar going through its final cycle before becoming a butterfly.
I keep my eyes shut, not wanting to get up. My nose nuzzles into the cotton of the pillow, a sigh leaving my lips.
I can hear Louis mooching around, the doors of the wardrobes clanking shut, drawers slamming slightly.
"Come on, pretty boy, it's time to wake up," he softly coos, and I feel his moisturised hand gently caress my cheek.
I turn around to face the other direction, groaning into my pillow. "Let me nap," I grumble.
He chuckles lightly through his nose. "Harry. It's three in the afternoon, and Niall is going to bustle into this room and drag you by your feet if you don't get ready in the next ten minutes."
I sigh loudly. "Do we have to go?" I question, peeping an eye open to look up at him.
He smiles down at me, hair flopping and sticking up all over the place like a hedgehog. I notice he's just in a really baggy tshirt—one of mine, the Fleetwood Mac merch one I adore— it grazes against his knees, it's too big on me, so it's a no brainer it's bigger on him too.
"I'd much rather stay in bed and smother you with kisses and cuddles," I state.
He coos again as the pout forms on my face. He bops my nose, and I wiggle it after. "Even though that sounds fuckin' amazing, I want to go to this small gathering. Ed's pool is supposedly huge according to Nialler. He didn't invite us for nothing, he wants to see us all and hang out with us as Niall's friends."
I mean, okay, sure. Ed did invite us because he wants to hang out with us after hearing so much from Niall about us. But is it criminal that I also want to just sit in Louis' small bed, watch the sun lazily fall from the sky in a few hours time to be met with the twinkling stars of the night? Is it that bad that I'm not really feeling up to the whole socialisation today?
I honestly don't know how to feel. It's one of those days where everything is pounding in my brain, thoughts zooming past faster than a strobe light at a disco. My brain keeps muddling. It keeps bringing up the fact that I didn't care what pronoun that lady used a few days ago when we were at Louis'. It's telling me that I'm being ridiculous even thinking about which pronoun I'd prefer. It hurts my head knowing that my mind says one thing whilst people around me say another.
Louis told me he didn't care which one I'd prefer to go by. He also said I didn't need to figure it out yet, but something in me is telling me to figure out quicker so I can stop the thoughts from swallowing me hole. But it's difficult to decide, because it's such a big commitment, and what if I choose wrong? What if I choose going by one thing and later down the line I wish I could revert back to before?
Argh, life is so difficult.
"Princess," Louis mumbles, clicking his fingers in front of my face. "You zoning out? What's on your mind?"
I look over to him, shaking my head to clear it. "Nothing." I look around the room, having to squint my eyes a little as the sun beams through the window. "I don't even think I have any swimwear."
Louis shakes his head. "You could always go commando." When he sees the look on my face, he laughs. "Jesus, Haz, 'm only teasing. I have a spare pair of shorts if you want."
"And why did you come packed with two pairs of swimming shorts?" I ponder.
"In case I shat meself in one of them." He grins over at me, nose scrunching slightly and his eyes crinkle along the corners. "I knew Niall had this planned when we went to mine, so I packed two because I had a funky feeling you didn't have any," he explains.
I hold my hand out for a pair.
He brings both shorts out for me to look at. They're both the same, black with turtles on them. The only difference is that one has red turtles printed, and the other blue.
I point to the blue ones. "I'll go for those."
He chucks the shorts my way and the smack me in the mouth. I groan at the impact, spluttering. I roll out from my little safe haven I call the blankets, and begin changing.
I grab one of his tshirts. It's mustard yellow with red stripes down the seams of the sleeves. The shorts are a little short around my thighs, not reaching my knees but I don't really mind.
He quirks a brow at me. "Stealing my style?"
I give him a pointed look. "Says the guy wearing my merch! I love that top, so if you so happen as ruin one print on Stevie's pretty little head, I am going to murder you with my bare hands."
"Fiesty," he teases, slapping me gently on the bum, making me squeal and jump away from him. "I like it."
I growl at him, grab my phone from the desk and step out toward the kitchen.
"Harry!" Niall cheers when I surface from the bedroom. "How are ya, mate? Ready for an amazing time at Ed's?"
I shrug a shoulder before nodding. "What I don't get is why a guy that bloody rich, goes to a university that isn't so higher up. Would thought he went to Oxford or something."
Niall grins, rocking back and forth from where he sits on the counter, hands on his knees, feet pointing inward. He looks like a toddler at this moment, or a golden retriever, both adorable. "He didn't want to go too far from home. His friends also came here and he didn't want to lose them through uni so decided to chase them."
I smile at that. I should've thought about doing that because Eric never replies to my messages anymore, and Benji unfriended me on Snapchat. But that just goes to show that they showed their true colours, and now I've found friends I wouldn't trade anything for in the world. They accept me for who I am, and keep me sane, even if I wasn't really there for them in the beginning.
I feel a pang of guilt hit me in the heart, remembering how awful I was toward Louis last year. The way I made him feel awful for being gay, only because I was mad about the fact that I couldn't get any sleep at night due to his sexual shenanigans.
I don't deserve him. I don't know why he chose to be with me after I was such a dick to him. I can feel the lump form in my throat, and the guilt take over, clouding my small mind.
Fingers gently brush against my bare arms and the touch causes the cloud in my mind to break away and flee. He rests his chin on my shoulder.
"You okay?" Louis asks from behind, hands snaking around to hold me close.
I look toward him in the corner of my eye. I don't want to tell him that I keep thinking of the past, I don't want to seem like I'm being annoying or anything. So I just give him a smile and a nod of the head.
"Come on Zayn, stop giving Liam head and let's get going!" Niall hollers, making Louis to cackle and for me to bury my head in his neck to stifle my laugh.
Zayn comes out then, flipping Niall off. "I lost my lighter."
"Check Liam's arse for that later." Niall jumps off the counter and we all walk toward the door.
"Where's Marie?" I ask, noticing her absence when only Liam comes striding over from the rooms.
"She's at Ashe's at the moment, they're going to meet us there," Niall replies, shoving his feet into some sliders.
I nod at that and we all leave the dorms and out into the warm late April air. The highest today is twenty five, one of the hottest days this year.
The leaves are a fresh green, being newborn from the blossom that once scattered majority of the branches. All the daffodils have died, but bluebells still pepper the green, dipping between the white of the daisies that sway in the warm breeze.
...
Ed's place is big. Huge, even.
It's a red brick mansion. There's glass windows that reach from the floor to the ceiling in some rooms, and the front garden is separated from the private road with an automatic redwood gate. The driveway has stones peppering the ground, a neat line separating the stones from the slated footpath up toward the front porch.
The double door is open, Ed in the doorway with a glass in his hand, Ray Ban's sitting against his nose to shield his eyes from the sun.
He waves a hand, milky tummy exposed with only just some swim shorts on.
"Hi, guys!" he calls, beckoning us in with a hand.
Zayn locks his car and we all stride over. We give Ed a friendly bro hug and handshakes and enter the house.
The flooring is fucking marble, and there's a landing at the top of the house that looks over the main hall of the house, a chandelier hanging bang in the middle, crystal glinting in the sun rays.
"Jesus,' Liam breathes. "And I thought my house was big." He shakes his head in bewilderment.
Ed laughs easily. "Yeah, it has its perks. Come on, party's this way." He points toward an archway which leads us from the hall and into a living room.
The living room is bright with its white walls and white TV cabinet full of DVDs and games. The TV is so big that it covers the whole of the wall that it sits upon.
There's doors that are mainly just glass that are wide open along the adjacent wall of where the archway sits, looking out over the gigantic garden.
The garden has freshly cut grass, the scent wafting into the nose when we step out into the warm air. There's a pool that runs along the length of the garden on the left side. There's flowerbeds with roses and begonias growing nicely along, a few pine trees sprout out at the bottom of the garden to hide the home away from the outside world.
Lewis, Shawn, and some other guys are already here, sitting along the sunbeds that lay along the side of the patio where the pool is, a few of them in the pool already, splashing each other.
"Guys, you know Lewis, Shawn, and obviously Ed," Niall says to us. He points to the two guys in the pool. "That's James and Roman." He gestures toward the other two lads beside Shawn, drinking shots from the side of the table. "And that's Arthur and Scott."
I give a shy wave when they raise their glasses toward us and take their shot.
"Lads, these are my besties from back home and new bestie, Louis, Liam, Zayn and Harry," Niall says with a light blush hitting cheeks when Shawn smiles over toward him.
"Feel free to any drink, lads, and get in that pool!" Ed urges, collapsing into his sunbed.
"Don't have to tell me twice," Niall mutters, shucking off his tshirt and diving into the pool.
Louis squeezes my hand. "Fancy a dip?" he asks lowly.
I chew at my bottom lip but cave in with a nod. "Okay."
Ed puts a finger up. "Oh! Zayn, Niall told me you weren't the best at swimming, so I found these." He brings out a pair of armbands.
Arthur's drink shoots out from his nose, making Ed chuckle harder.
Zayn beats red but a grin forms on his face. "Thanks, Eddie, I forgot mine," he jokes along, grabbing the armbands and turning to Liam. "Darling, would you be so kind to blow these up for me?" He bats his eyelashes.
Liam giggles, grabs the armbands and begins blowing into the hole.
I notice Louis is dipping his legs into the water, before he takes a deep breath and slowly sinks into the water, staying in the shallows. He waves a hand over toward me and I go to the side.
"Jump!" Niall insists, coming up beside me. When I don't make a move, he's pressing his hands into my back and pushing, making me lose balance and flop into the pool with him jumping in right beside me.
I resurface, flicking water from my hair. "Niall," I hiss on a splutter. "I wasn't ready yet! I didn't get to put my hair up."
He grins at me. "Sorry, mate, but it was so easy."
Shawn cannon balls beside Niall, making him squeal. He goes over to Niall, pressing his hands into Niall's shoulders and dunking him under.
"Pay back for Harry!" he mentions, giving me a small wink.
Niall gasps for air, crossing his arms. "No fair, Mendes!" he whines, jumping onto Shawn's back and leaning back in order to bring him under the water with him.
Louis' hand cards through my wet hair, getting tangled in the knots at the end. "I'm asking you now, to please not dunk me," he whispers into my ear, his hot breath tickling my ear, making me squirm. But the sound in his voice— the warning and concern, gets me nodding an agreement.
"Okay, I promise I won't." I want to ask him why but the look in his eyes makes me hold my tongue. I don't know if I'll be crossing a boundary if I ask him.
He must see the question in my eyes and smiles weakly. "I don't like my face getting wet or the feeling of the water consuming me."
I nod at that, pecking him on the cheek. He cups my cheeks, bringing his slightly damp lips from the spray of the others splashing, to my own wet ones, giving me a soft kiss on the mouth.
"Save it for later, my God!" Niall yells out toward us.
"Oh shut it and grab Shawn's cock into your hand, you lonely imp!" Louis snaps back, bringing my lips back to his.
Both Shawn and Niall blush and I'm smiling into the kiss before closing my eyes to savour it.
"Hey, boys!" Marie's voice travels into the space between us and I pull away to see her and three other girls walking into the garden with their bikinis on and only thin cardigans floating down to their thighs to keep them covered slightly.
I look down to my own shorts and bare tummy, feeling slightly conscious with the way my tummy flubber rolls in the water.
I recognise one of the girls to be Ashe— an American that moved to England a few years ago for University. Her hair is in a cute little blonde bun atop of her head, thick pink sparkly rimmed sunglasses shielding her eyes. She shucks off her cardigan and goes straight to the pool side.
She gives me a wave and a once over. "Hey, I'm Ashe," she says kindly.
"Harry," I reply with a nod.
"H, Lou, this is Zoey," Marie says, pointing towards her friend beside her.
She's got pale ivory skin that's smooth like butter all over. She clearly moisturises daily. Her hazel monolid eyes are gentle and kind, looking like the oak trees in the forest at the back of my grandma's old house— where Gemma and I used to play fairies and elves through the treelines. That forest always made me feel safe, especially when gran hung lanterns into the trees to shine our way home.
She begins braiding her ashy hair, tying it off with two pink scrunchies. "Hi, nice to meet you," she says with a gentle voice.
"Same to you," Louis replies with a grin.
Marie points to the other girl beside her. Her freckled skin being smothered with suncream from where she's stolen it from Ed. Her green eyes crease when she smiles.
"This is Bruna," Marie says.
Bruna swipes her ruby red hair from her face. "Hey! Is anyone using that?" she questions, pointing to the donut float on the side of the pool.
I shake my head and she gives a grin.
"Cool!" She grabs it and jumps onto it once it glides along the water.
"Where's Taz?" Lewis asks.
Anne-Marie shrugs. "She said she had an emergency and would meet us here in a few hours if we're all still here."
Lewis nods, turning back to his conversation he's having with Arthur now.
We continue having fun in and outside the pool, taking turns of being in the water and warming up in the sun until it gets too unbearable with sizzling our skin, to only return back into the pool. I drink a few lemonades, one with vodka inside, and Niall hands me a beer to sip on.
Louis' in the pool, hair stringing along his ears and temple, and no matter how many times he swipes it out of his face, it always finds a way to drop back over his face. For someone that hasn't put his face under the water, he's gotten soggy with the amount of diving and splashing everyone around him has been doing.
He looks over toward me, holding his arms out. "Cuddles, baby!" he summons.
I huff a sigh, floppy limbs taking me closer toward the edge of the pool. I pencil drop beside him and fall into his arms.
"Why couldn't you cuddle with me on the sunbed?" I ponder.
He strokes my hair, kissing my forehead. "Because I knew you'd fall asleep if I did."
I hide the blush on my face. He pushes me under the water, and I feel a weight on my shoulders before I'm popping back up, the weight never leaving. I feel his legs wrap under my arms and I realise that he's on my shoulders.
I grab his thighs, keeping him from falling and begin wading through the water until my feet can't touch the floor anymore, being replaced with the deep end. His hands hook under my chin, tightening when he feels my balance slightly waver.
"Please don't drop me, Harold," he says, voice slightly wavering.
I wave him off. "Like I'm that clumsy," I tease, walking us back over toward the shallows. He jumps onto the step and I slip on the bottom of the pool, leg giving way and I'm being pulled under the water before coming up again, choking as the water that shot up my nose.
Louis is snorting, laughing and holding his tummy with a hand. "You were saying?" he says and I flick his head.
Zayn swims over, armbands on his arms still. "Hey, guys!" he calls, flopping onto his back to float. "These armbands actually do come in handy."
"Zayn you just missed Harry flopping under the water like a fish due to his clumsy arse," Louis states.
I glare at him. "I so want to splash you right now," I grumble.
He points a warning finger toward me.
"Na, I saw it happen. You okay, bubs?" Zayn asks.
I rub my nose. "Yeah, just feel like the water is now swimming in my brain."
He laughs, floating toward Liam who pecks him on the nose.
After a bit, the lads begin getting a bit rough in the water. They're a little tipsy and drunk, and begin pulling the girls under by their feet, making their screams to echo in the cloudless sky.
James paddles toward Lou and I, and he sinks me to the bottom before I'm able to kick his shins which makes him lose grip on me. I gasp when I fill my aching lungs with air. I frown over toward him, splashing a shit ton of water his way until he's coughing.
James turns to Louis who still sits on the second step of the pool, only his legs being submerged into the water. There's a mischievous grin planted on James' features.
Louis hops down from the step, standing behind me. "Don't even think about it, mate."
James circles, but Louis uses me as a shield, circling as well so James can't get to him.
"James, mate, I'm serious, I don't like getting my face wet," he warns, and I feel his hand graze against mine, looking for comfort. I grab it gently, giving it a light squeeze.
"I don't know what you mean," James says with a bigger grin on his face.
My heart thuds. Louis' blocked into the pool, the steps being blocked by James, and if he goes to swim for it toward the side of the pool, James is sure to catch up quickly.
"James, just leave off," I say.
James laughs, splashes me with water to the point where I'm coughing on a few droplets that have made its way down my throat.
He finds away around me, and swims away. I hear Louis sigh in relief.
I turn to look at him.
"James," I hear Liam warningly shout.
"That was a close o–" Louis begins, but I'm not quick enough to see James swimming under the water until he's popping up and pushing Louis under by the shoulders.
Louis resurfaces, but James still has a grip around his shoulders from the front, dunking him back in before Louis can take a big enough gulp of air.
"What the hell!" I yell. "He said no!"
"James, stop it!" Liam cries out, swimming over quickly. He pushes James off of Louis and I'm quick to grab my boyfriend by under the armpits, hauling him up to surface.
Louis is trembling within my grip, his eyes are glazed over, and tears begin streaming down his face.
"I-I'm sorry, I won't do it again. I'm so s-sorry, p-please, let me go!" he heaves, looking frantically around him. "Let me go h-home. Let me go b-back to my Mumma, please. Mumma!" he yells out, causing everyone to stare our way.
"You absolute dickhead!" I seethe toward James, not being able to control my anger. I hold Louis close to me, and his legs wrap around my waist, even if his brain is stuck in the past. "He told you no! What kind of dick doesn't accept people's wishes?" I shake my head.
"I didn't know he'd freak out over it," James reasons.
I continue shaking my head. "Not everyone has to explain themselves to you, in order for you to get your thick head to understand." I hold Louis tighter, kissing his temple, running my hands through his hair.
He continues mumbling to whoever is in his mind, tears streaming down his face and his breath begins to come out in short heavy heaves.
"Stop staring," I yell, and majority of the people look away besides Zayn and Niall.
"Get him out, Harry," Zayn orders.
I nod my head, turning around and wading out the pool. I take us inside.
"Shh, Lou, I've got you, you're safe now, sweetcheeks. You're safe, sh, sh, shh," I soothe, sitting us on the floor in the kitchen away from any prying eyes. I rock us side to side, keeping him in my lap.
"I-I... I don-n't w-wan-nt to be-e gay, Ky-le," he mumbles through broken sobs and his panic state.
It shatters my heart to hear him say those words. Whoever fucked him up those years ago, I hope they're dead now. Because no one and I mean no one has the power to hurt my little baby.
He snaps out of his own memory, and begins full on sobbing when he looks around the room and realises he's not where his mind took him. He grips my shoulders, nails digging into the skin harshly. I don't protest against it, not wanting him to let go.
"Breathe," I whisper into his ear. "You're safe, love, just breathe."
He nods a little, and I hear him take a shaggy deep breath in through his sobs.
Pitter patter of feet sound and I snap my head up to see Zayn coming in with two dry towels in his hands. He drapes one over my shoulders, the other over Louis'.
He leans down and kisses the top of Louis' head. "You're okay, babe, James didn't mean to hurt you, and you're safe. I know it was a dick move on his behalf after you told him no, but he's not going to bother you again, I've made sure of that." He strokes Louis' hair back. He looks toward me with a weak smile. "Keep him safe, the way you are now, yeah? You're doing a good job, H, thank you for being there for him."
I return the smile. "I'll always be there for him, Zayn." I bite my lip. I don't let the words come out, but there's something else on my mind. "Z, why did he have this panic attack?"
Zayn sighs. "It's his PTSD, H. I'm not going to say on what, because it's not my place to say."
Louis lifts his head up heavily from my shoulder. He looks to Zayn, then to me. "It... I..." he closes his eyes, takes another shaggy breath in. "When I went to the conversion camp... th-they baptised me. I refused at first, told them I-I wasn't religious, and it was against who I am. But... God, they still did it. They held me under for so long, it ached so much, H. I-it h-hu-rt s-so much. I c-c-c—" his breathing begins to become broken again, and more tears slid from his cheeks.
I cradle his head to my chest, rocking us again. "It's okay, Lou, it was in the past and you're safe now. You don't have to explain yourself to me, I know you've been through a lot when you were younger, and I promise you I won't let anyone hurt you again."
Zayn gives me a smile and a wink, miming a 'thank you' toward me.
Louis finally calms down completely, but it's worned him out so much that he's fallen asleep in my arms.
"Zayn," I whisper, not wanting to wake Louis up.
Zayn has sat opposite us against the kitchen island, legs spread out wide. "Hm?"
I look toward Louis' peaceful face, not a crease against his skin, his eyelashes brushing against his cheeks delicately, cheeks puffy from the crying. But he looks comfy. I look over toward Zayn.
"I... I think." I sigh, squinting my eyes shut before opening them again. "I think I'm in love with him."
Zayn smiles lazily, eyes half lidded from where he's taken a joint with Arthur and Scott before the incident. "I know," he says casually.
I tilt my head. "How?"
"See it in the way you look at him. I'm pretty sure he loves you, too, H."
I feel butterflies flicker to life in my tummy at that. I have never felt this deeply toward someone before he's always on mind, day and night, when I'm awake and when I'm asleep.
Even when I'm at lectures and he's not there, he's on my mind, wondering what he's up to. Even when he's beside me, I think of the way he looks so soft and delicate.
I think of him everyday and I love him. But I don't think it's the right time to tell him. It doesn't feel like the right time just yet.
I don't know when the right time will be, but when I do, it'll be the best day of my life thus far.
A/N- SUP
okay another update woop!!
Poor Louis having a panic attack :( this scene has been on my mind since the first chapter and way before then too!
Hope you're enjoying so far.
Vote and comment and I'll see you in the next update
Stay Safe xxooxxoxo