I don't wait for his comforting hand to rub my back like it did Tate's. I don't wait for him to scoop me up and act like he loves me and feels bad. I don't wait for his permission to get up.
I just do
I get up and walk into Nico's room, slamming the adjoining door and locking it. I lean my back against the door and slide down it, ignoring the pain when my bottom hits the ground. I cover my mouth to muffle my cries, and close my eyes tight to force the tears back inside.
I'm not crying for him
"Annie," he says softly as he raps on the door, but I completely ignore him as I stand up and lie face-down on the bed, wishing more than anything that I was back home with Cook—He was my safe adult, and now he's dead.
I hate my new life so much
I'm not sure how much time has passed, but when the key card on the main door clicks the lock open, I hear Tate.
"If she's this upset with you, you're not going in. Stay the hell out."
"Tate, I have to check on her," I hear Holden say, and even I can hear the devastation in his voice.
Good! I hope he feels devastated, because anything that he and I were building has gotten demolished, and the only thing we have to work with is rubble from the explosion.
"You can later, but right now you're gonna go screw yourself!"
The door slams, and suddenly the bed dips and Tate has pulled me so my head is resting on his chest.
"You okay, Jules?" He begs as he hugs me tight and kisses my hair.
"I hate him," I spit, forcing the sobs back inside.
"Me too," he croons as he runs his fingers through my hair until I fall asleep.
I wake up to Holden gently shaking me. "Annie, will you go for a walk with me?"
"No," I mumble as I roll over on my side and go back to sleep, and I don't wake up again until morning.
~*~
It's been two long, excruciating days since the hurricane, and we are finally going back home. Although I'm dreading going back to normal, I'm excited to be out of the tiny hotel room.
Holden tried many times to talk to me, but every time he did I'd go in the adjoining room. I didn't want to talk to him, or look at him, or breathe the same oxygen as him.
When we finally leave, Kenna and I sit in the back while Holden drives behind Nico, and when his phone starts to ring, his voice startles me—he hasn't talked much since he spanked me.
Kenna told me last night as we were sleeping in Nico's room (Nico stayed with the boys and gave me and Kenna his room) that Holden was so upset when Tate slammed the door in his face, that he was almost about to cry.
"You know how weird it is to see a teacher almost cry?" She whispers in the darkness, and I simply stare at the ceiling, not feeling sorry for him at all.
"Hey B," Holden says as he answers the call, and although I can't hear what she's saying, Holden's voice gets even more weary.
"I know you barely got anything..I'm glad...I've been worried about the town since we left....B, you know why I left......I asked you to come and you refused, how is this my fault? We will be home in a few hours, why don't you come over tonight for dinner? Okay, then what about tomorrow?........Alright, I'll just see you when you decide you're not mad anymore."
He hangs up and grips the steering wheel tight, and Tate starts to chuckle. "She definitely has a hold of your balls pretty tight, huh?"
"Be quiet," Holden snaps, and doesn't say a word the rest of the way home.
~*~
When we finally get back, Kenna grabs her bag and smiles at Holden. "Thanks for everything, Mr. T."
Holden smiles sadly and nods. "Sorry it got so crazy."
She simply shrugs as she kisses me on the cheek and starts walking down the path, and Holden turns to me.
"Annie, you and I are going to talk in a bit now that it's just us and you've had time to process."
"No thanks," I mumble as I grab my bag and move past him, ignoring the way he's staring at me.
I'm done trying to get to know him. I've learned all there is to know.
I go in our room and shut the door, lying on my bed and inspecting my Conch shell—I really really love this thing. I stay on the bed for a while, when there's a rap on the door.
"Annie, I wanna talk now. Can I come in?"
"No"
Holden sighs as he shuts the door anyways and walks over, sitting on the edge of my bed.
"You've barely let that thing go. Where did you get it?"
"Go away, Holden."
"Julianne, that's enough. You are allowed to be mad, but you're not allowed to be disrespectful. I asked you a question and I'm expecting an answer."
I sigh as I set the shell down and glare at him. "One of the guys gave it to me before he ran down to the beach to get more shells."
Holden nods slowly as he picks up the shell. "Is that why you were heading to the beach?"
"Have you ever seen a shell like that wash up before? I wanted to find more......"
He sets the shell down and watches me carefully.
"You hit me, Julianne. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"...You hit me too....."
"No, I spanked you. I didn't sucker punch you in the gut. Look at what you did to me."
He lifts up his shirt, revealing a black and blue bruise the size of my fist on the left side of his stomach. I stare at it for a moment until he puts his shirt back down. "Did I leave a mark on you at all?"
"My butt was sore for over a day!"
"That's not what I asked...And for the record, my stomach is still killing me. I asked you if I put any sort of mark on your body in any way."
When I simply shake my head, he tilts up my chin until I'm looking at him.
"That's right, I didn't. I understand you were scared and a lot was going on, but you had no right to hurt me the way you did. You had no right to put your hands on me, and I would like an apology."
"So I have to apologize to you, but you don't have to apologize to me?"
"I'll admit that I'm pissed at myself for punishing you before you had calmed down. I'm not sure what the right thing to do was, but I don't think what I did was it. I AM sorry for spanking you while you were raging; but I'm not apologizing for punishing you. You disobeyed, Julianne."
"You're so mean," I snap as my throat tightens and I feel like I could cry.
He chuckles humorlessly as he puts his head in his hands and stays that way for a long moment. "I'm trying to give you guys grace, Annie. I'm trying so damn hard...But sometimes it feels like you guys aren't trying at all."
"I'm not trying? I have to share a room with my brother! I had to go to a new school! I got my computer broken, and didn't throw a fit about it.....Sorry that I'm pissed that you spanked me!"
Holden watches me for a moment as his face softens. "That's true...You've been going through hell."
I sigh as I pick up the shell again. "Sorry I hit you."
"Thank you," he whispers as he kisses my forehead. "Will you go somewhere with me?"
"Where?"
"It's a secret. Come on and get your shoes. I'll see if Tate wants to come."
~*~
We follow Holden down to the beach, and he walks about a mile until he turns into this hidden area with a lot of trees. As we follow him, I'm beginning to wonder if he actually decided to kill us—We're completely away from everything, and it would be easy to hide two teenage bodies.
"Woah!" Tate says as he scans the area, and Holden smiles.
"I discovered this spot once, and it's my favorite place to go. The shells that wash up here are amazing, and nobody knows about it. Get whatever you want, guys."
I begin scanning the beach, and see an even bigger Conch shell than the one the guy gave me.
"Check out the shark tooth!" Tate exclaims as he crouches down and picks up a tooth the size of a half dollar.
"Looks like a great white..Super cool!" Holden nods.
"Shells are always here like this?" He asks.
"Nah...I come down here after big storms. The main beach is always picked over stupid fast, but me and Quinn are the only ones that know about this place."
"How does Quinn know about it?" Tate asks.
"She was having a hard day last year, so I brought her here."
"You brought her here, but not your girlfriend? Make it make sense!" Tate scoffs as he picks up another shark tooth.
Holden is silent as he turns his attention to me. "Find any good ones, Annie?"
I start picking up shells here and there, and I smile at how cool they are.
"Holden?" I ask after I find a true sand dollar and put it in my pocket.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you"
"For what?" He asks as he tilts his head and walks over to me.
"Well, I'm still mad at you...But thanks for not putting marks on me."
He tucks a strand of my dark hair behind my ear and strokes my cheek with his thumb. "Never, Annie."