Jude was sitting cross-legged on his bed, his phone and Connor's shirt in his lap. Callie was sitting beside him, holding his hand. He wasn't crying anymore, just staring into space with a shell-shocked look on his face. "Want me to stay up with you?" she asked.
His eyes still brimming with fear and tears, he looked at her and shook his head.
"Okay. Mariana and I will be right here if you need anything, okay?"
He nodded.
She kissed his hair. "Stay strong my little. Whatever he's going through, knowing you're out here is the only thing he has to hold onto. Okay?"
He nodded again. She got up and turned out the light, walked out the door.
Jude sat woodenly, a paroxysm of colossal thoughts and feelings bursting in his head, as if every second he had ever been with Connor and every thought and feeling that went along with him had been compressed into one continuous moment of time. An endless, ever-aching now. Shaking, he struggled to untangle and unravel the irreconcilable emotions and memories, settling on the one that made the most sense, the day he first met Connor...
***
...Callie had really done it this time, nearly getting herself shot at. Like so many times before, her antics had gotten Jude taken out of his foster home and into a new one, although he didn't really like that place or those people at all and he was actually glad to be out of there. As always though, he had no idea of where he was going next or when. He was at a new school, again, and didn't know where to go, again, and life was uncertain, again...
"Hey, are you new here?" a voice asked him.
Jude looked up, returned the smile he saw. "Is it that obvious?"
The boy offered his hand. "I'm Connor. Connor Stevens."
"Jude Jacob," Jude said as they shook hands. "And yeah, I'm kinda lost." He showed Connor his schedule paper.
"Oh cool, we'll have math and science together. And your English class is this way." He pulled on Jude's arm.
When Connor touched his arm, Jude felt something he had never felt before. He'd been so full of anxiety and uncertainty all day, but that moment when Connor made contact with him he abruptly and mysteriously felt at ease. He followed along behind Connor, unaware then that this would be the first of many times they would navigate that uncertainty together...
***
...Jude's recollections jumped ahead to the science project he and Connor worked on together. Of looking around in dreadful misgiving when the teacher asked them to choose partners, so certain he was that nobody was going to pick him and he would be on public display as the weird outcast he always felt like inside.
Then Connor turning to him. Asking him if he wanted to be partners. Connor suggesting that he come over to work on the project. Jude feeling all the fluster and discomfort dissolve into a curiously satisfying happiness. Being unable to stop smiling. Watching Connor the rest of the class, trying to identify what exactly he was feeling inside. He had heard about crushes, but had no idea of what one was like or if that's what this was. It didn't really feel like crushing, though. He just had a glow inside, one that only barely faded as the rest of the day unwound...
***
...Talking to Connor about Maddie. Feeling so confused inside...like he would feel so many times after that, about Connor and what was going on with him. Connor apparently angry with Jude about going out with a girl. Him saying that he wanted to go out with Maddie but never doing anything about it. Blowing the whole thing off at the adoption. What was Connor really getting at? Jude was observant, and he had felt jealousy himself. He was sure that's what he saw in Connor. But what did it mean? It almost seemed like Connor didn't want him ever dating a girl. Jude felt like he was a weird, gangly kid that never fit in. The idea that Connor could be crushing on him was unconceivable. And yet, when Connor smiled at him, more and more it seemed to say something more than mere friendship...
***
...Hearing that Connor's dad wouldn't let Connor come over again. The floor seeming to fall out from under his feet. The penultimate sadness that can only come from thinking of all the things that would never be possible. Believing that they were over. An emptiness nothing could fill...
***
...Connor sneaking out. Realizing that Connor was going to any length to continue their...whatever it was. Jude had never really had a best friend before. Was he just reading too much into this? Maybe Connor just missed their friendship and hanging out, but the elephant in the room was the size of a house...
***
...The camping trip. Alone with Connor in the tent. Talking. Connor kissing him! CONNOR KISSING HIM!!! The supernova explosion inside. Millions of degrees of heat and light. The cells of his body singing in unison as Connor held him in the darkness...
***
...The falling out. Connor calling him a "little bitch." The train wreck of whatever-it-was-between-them smoking and burning...
***
...Hurricane Daria. The cataclysm of conflicting emotions. Connor holding his pinky. Feeling all squiggly inside. Being chased in the yard. Connor on top of him...so many feels...then being blown off for Daria again. Mad with it. Done with this shit. Connor trying to make nice. Kicking him in the stomach. Expecting an explanation, an apology, something...got another kiss instead...
***
Jude blinked. Looked at his watch. It was 3:30am. For hours he had sat there without moving, his mind running over every moment he had ever spent with Connor. It was all way, way too short. He unlocked his phone. Connors in trouble. He hesitated for a moment and clicked send. Given the hour, he did not expect an answer. His phone screen went dark. He lowered his head, lost in a miserable twilight of wanting to live and die at the same time.
The screen lit up. Already OMW.
***
Jude walked down the stairs, opened the front door, went out quietly and sat down on the steps. The breeze stirred his hair. Crickets chirped softly. The background bustle of the city. His mind slipped back again...
***
...The hospital. Lying next to Connor, watching TV.
Connor turned the TV off. Turned to Jude. "I texted Daria and told her I'm breaking up with her, and I told her why. I know this has been a mess and I'm sorry." He took Jude's hand. "Will you be my boyfriend?"
Of all the things he said...Oh God...that one! What he asked!
"Yes," Jude said to him. Connor kissing him for the third time in a series of innumerable kisses, as countless in multitude as stars in the sky. Them both enveloped in uncertainty, such familiar territory to them, as if uncertainty was a land that had been explored and marked in a map somewhere inside them. They were a ship, sailing out of the harbor, into the ocean of the unknown...but unafraid as long as they had each other...
***
Jude snapped out of his reverie as a car pulled up and the door opened. He saw Taylor get out of the passenger side, Jude waved to her dad as the light illuminated his face. She closed the door and the car drove away. She walked up and sat next to him, held him in her arms.
He told her about all of it. Right from the very beginning. Time passed, the sky lightened, the words finally came to an end. Jude was shaking. Sobbing. Heaving as the sobs passed. "Sorry, it's a long story," he said.
"Don't be." She smiled at him. "My favorite part is 'cakes.' So adorable that he calls you that." She squeezed his hand. "Let's go in, you should get cleaned up so you're ready for whatever's going to happen. And I'll call in a few favors. Stef's been out there all night, right? We're going to get him back. And if anyone has hurt him...if anyone messes with either of you two, they're messing with me. And I think you know—anyone who messes with me is getting their ass kicked and handed to them."