"God, that was... beyond amazing," Harry said panting after he came, Zayn wiped his mouth with the back of his hand looking at him.
"Sure it was..." Zayn said and kissed him lightly.
After a while, Harry got up from his bed and put up his underwear and jeans. Zayn was staring at him in awe.
"What?" Harry said blushing a little.
"Happy Late Birthday, babe," Zayn said sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Did... you know?" Harry asked surprised.
"Not from you. Cecile told me. Why you didn't tell me, babe?" Zayn asked pulling him from his belt hoops and hugging him.
"Erm... because of what happened with Mr. Jenkins passing, my birthday was the next day. Of course, we weren't in the mood to celebrate or even mention it," Harry explained looking down.
"I understand. But... you should've said something and celebrated it," Zayn said kissing Harry's ferns that were peaking through his jeans and keep kissing his happy trail and his butterfly. He loves his tattoos.
"I- I wanted to but..." Harry said.
"I know... babe, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to push you away on purpose, I needed a break. I'm figuring myself out, after everything that happened to me. You've been always good to me and when I saw you today, I just wanted to be with you and I want you to be in my life Harry," Zayn said.
"Zayn, I want you in my life too but... erm I don't know," Harry said.
"I know... I know that I've hurt you and I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," Zayn said looking down and Harry didn't say anything.
"Harry, I... don't know if I want to be me anymore. I like you and I care about you, but... I need to tell you something..." Zayn said looking at him.
"You are with that girl... don't you?" Harry said stepping back and feeling his stomach sink.
"It's not like that... let me explain..." Zayn said and Harry looked him in the eyes.
"No... I know you are, I saw the love bite..." Harry said with a broken voice.
"We-we just fooled around, we kissed and touched. Like... you and I and I like it..." Zayn said.
"Stop. I don't want to hear it," Harry said. He already knew that when he saw the way he was kissing her at the party.
"Harry, I wanted to be honest with you, as you've been with me..." Zayn said.
"And you don't care that what you're telling me is hurting me?" Harry said with a broken voice.
"Shit! I- I do. I don't want to keep hurting you, but if I didn't tell you and you found out later, you'll think that I've lied to you or cheated on you." Zayn explained.
"Of course..." Harry said.
"Harry, we... we were just I don't know... friends? Fuck! I haven't had a relationship before... and we never talked about it, I- this is new to me... don't know, we never said that we were like... boyfriends?" Zayn said with his voice broken and Harry was crying silently.
"Babe, don't cry, please," Zayn said touching his face to wipe the tears.
"Don't...we had one thing going on and I swear that it was something. Bloody hell, how fucking naive I was...," Harry said sobbing.
"Babe, please don't... get me wrong you're special to me," Zayn said approaching Harry again to take his hand but he withdrew. His eyes were teary and Zayn was talking with a breaking voice.
"I know..." Harry said wiping quickly the tears that were falling on his cheeks.
"I don't want to hurt you anymore but I don't want to lose you either, babe. Fuck! tell me what to do, please? Just tell me what to do and I'll do it," Zayn said grabbing his face.
Harry was still a little flustered and his lips looked ruby red, Zayn wanted nothing more than kiss his tears away.
"You... said it all. You... you're with her, you like her too. You want to shag her, don't you? and it's what you are supposed to do. Being with a girl, Zayn," Harry said feeling heartbroken, again.
This time was deeper, more painful. He felt the pain all over his body, in every inch Zayn touched moments earlier.
"I don't want to lose you... I want to be with you," Zayn repeated and he hugged him. He had glossy eyes at the thought of losing Harry.
"I... won't share you, I'm not putting myself in that situation. We aren't going to do this anymore, I won't...," Harry said wiping his cheeks.
"Don't cry. Please don't tell me that," Zayn said kneeling in front of him and hugging him hard.
"I don't want to be hurt anymore Zayn. I've been through this before... please leave," Harry said and Zayn interrupted.
"I know, I've put you through hell. I'm
sorry, I am, " Zayn said looking up with pleading eyes.
"We can take this as a goodbye yeah? And soon, this shall pass too," Harry said smiling sadly at him.
Zayn stood up and kissed him, hard. He can't comprehend how he got himself into this mess and he didn't want to let Harry go but he didn't want to hurt him anymore. He's been nothing but caring and loving with him, he doesn't deserve it.
"Zayn... I think you...should go." Harry said breaking the kiss. He could taste himself in it and that was making this harder.
"Babe..." Zayn said putting his forehead against his, trying to breathe him in. His sweet smell, vanilla, his soft skin, his lips, his hair. Everything. And then Harry stepped back.
"Harry... I...," Zayn said and Harry opened the door for him to leave. And he walked out of his room and left Harry's house.
Harry was sitting on his room floor against the door crying his eyes out. One minute he was coming into Zayn's mouth for the first time and, the next they were finishing whatever they had.
"What a déjà vu," Harry thought between sobs, and then he remembered a chapter in his life that he didn't want to relive.
"Jason, what's the matter?" Harry asked.
"I-I can't be with you anymore. I'm... going out with Jessica now. It's what I want now," Jason said.
"Je... a girl? You don't mean that," Harry said grabbing his hand.
"I do, I'm going to the prom with her, I can't go with you! My friends know that you're a... y'know." Jason said putting on his T-shirt and grabbing his jacket.
"Gay?" Harry said.
"And they'll think I am too if they see me again with you," Jason said walking towards the door.
"You're ending us because of them? Like you're going to pretend you like a girl, because of them?" Harry said grabbing his wrist.
"I like her and there's not us Harry! I- I'm not gay! You are! Don't try to make me like you, fucking faggot let me go!" Jason said pushing Harry making him lose balance and fall on his butt.
"Me?! You invited me to your house, to your room and you practically jumped over me! I didn't force you to do anything you didn't want to!" Harry said out loud crying.
"I was fucking high, I wasn't sure what I was doing," Jason said.
"Go ahead and fool yourself, being with that girl. You're gay! And we fucked! There's no way you can undo that!" Harry said sobbing and trying to stop the tears.
"Shut the fuck up! If you ever talk about me or what happened with anyone or I'll beat your ass. Fucking piece of shit!" Jason said and left Harry's apartment.
This time the pain was deeper because it was... Zayn and again other people were getting in their way. He remembered it all too well.
The next morning he wasn't in the mood to get up, but he did it anyways. Niall dropped by his house and Harry told him everything that happened with Zayn the night before.
"I don't know why this feels ten times more painful," Harry said containing the tears.
"Man, why did you give him an out if you love him?" Niall said eating a piece of pizza that he bought.
"Lo... Ni, I don't... love him. It's too soon," Harry said.
"And why are you saying that it hurts like a bitch?" Niall said mouthful.
"I don't know, I'm so confused too. I wanted to be with him but not like that. Not if he's asking me what to do or if he wants to be with that girl and with me," Harry said.
"He... this is the first erm... relationship that he has, kinda. Of course, he's asking you what to do. I'd ask you what to do, even though I know you're clueless as me, I'd ask you," Niall said shrugging.
"I guess," Harry said.
"And... what about Jason? Did you tell..." Niall asked seriously.
"What about it? No, I didn't say anything, "Harry said.
"Don't know... I think he should know what happened," Niall said.
"There's no point now," Harry said shrugging.
"I'm just saying... I mean, after they beat you, he... y'know. And... well nobody talked about it anymore," Niall said.
"Niall! Y'know I bloody hate to talk about that. It's... just don't." Harry said.
"Alright, I just... don't want that to come back and bite you in the ass," Niall said.
"I know, thanks Ni. You've been an amazing friend to me. I'm sorry, it's just that I don't know...maybe you're right," Harry said giving that a thought.
"I know, I'm always right," he said smiling.
"Anyways... let's do something. I need to get out of here," Harry said standing up and putting on his coat.
"Where are we going?" Niall said.
"Don't know, out," Harry said and opened the door.
*************
"What's the matter, dear? You're quieter than any other day," Cecile asked Zayn that was stirring his cereal instead of eating it.
"Mmh, nothing. I'm just tired," Zayn said.
"I see, you know that you can tell me anything right?" She said and Zayn nodded.
"Alright, Y'know? I've been thinking and I'm going to hire someone full-time to attend John's store," Cecile continued.
"Oh?... I thought that you maybe didn't want to keep it," Zayn said.
"I thought about it, but John loved the store. It's going to be difficult to manage it because I don't know anything but maybe I'll learn. I have to move on, we have to," She said smiling at him.
"I know. Of course, I can help you with anything you need," Zayn offered. He misses John and working at the store too.
"Thanks, dear, I know. If you want to keep your job, you know you can." She said.
"I don't know... could be good. But I don't know if I'm ready to be back there," Zayn said with a sad tone.
"I understand, that's why I'm hiring someone. I'm not ready to get rid of the place that John put so much effort into," Cecile said.
"You're right," Zayn said.
"And how are you doing? I haven't seen you much around," Cecile asked.
"Good. Y'know. School and all." Zayn said.
"And you're still taking that workshop?" She asked.
"Yes, I am," Zayn said looking down.
"Oh, is it a problem there?" Cecile said.
"Erm, I'm liking it. I do. But I'm finding it hard to know what to paint. Like I'm lacking some inspiration, Mrs. Brown said," Zayn explained.
"Oh you'll find it, dear don't worry. Try your sketchbook, it's always good to go back to basics y'know?" Cecile said.
"Yes... erm... my mom used to say that, when I was stuck on something," He remembered and smiled.
"Moms always know better," she said.
"I bet you were a wonderful mother," Zayn said.
"Oh dear, nothing far from the truth," Cecile said smiling sadly.
"I'm sure that's not true. Erm... do you miss him every day as I miss my parents?" Zayn asked.
"Oh dear, every day," She said sipping on her coffee.
"Sorry... I didn't mean it to come out that way." Zayn said.
"No worries, I... do miss them, both. John and Jason. They were my family and now..." she said.
"You have me. I'm here for you as you were always there for me since I came. And I'm sorry I've been a little absent lately," Zayn said.
"I understand dear, it's been difficult for you too," Cecile said.
"I'm a little... don't know," Zayn said.
"I'm here if you need to talk. I mean, my son... was troubled and I never thought he was. I want to help you if I can, dear," She said smiling at him.
"I know, thank you. I will. Promise." Zayn said.
"Alright, I have to run some errands. Are you going to go out today?" Cecile asked.
"Erm... no. I don't think so, I have to catch up on my homework and... I have some inspiration to find," Zayn said sighing.
"Okay, so see you later dear. Do you need anything?" Cecile asked.
"No... nothing, thanks," Zayn said and she nodded going to her room to get ready.
Zayn did the same and he laid down on his bed and he couldn't help but think of Harry. His teary eyes and what he said, were hunting his thoughts, and it was hurtful to believe that he suffered because of him.
"I guess he's better off without me," he whispered to himself and his heart wrenched.
Zayn was going through his sketchbook and saw the first drawings he made after he moved to New York, then he watched the white canvas on the wood easel and suddenly he started to draft something in it, and he just knew.
He was thinking about all that he went through to get him to this moment. The deaths that surrounded him and the pain of those dear ones caused him with their departure and now the loss of Harry.
And then he wondered, if you break up with someone you love, where do the love and the caring go? He was more confused than ever but still, he knows that if Harry wanted not to have him near him, that's what he will have to do.