Erin
Magic words?
Oh. Right.
Our agreement. I was so wrapped up in the moment, I almost forgot.
I... do want that. But to say that I love him? To damn myself to a life of enslavement?
Can I really do that?
Can I honestly just sign my freedom away?
I... I don't think that I can.
It's the very thing that's been holding me back this whole time. If I admit I have feelings for him, it means I'll never get to be a free person again. I'll be stuck as a second-class citizen my whole life.
And while I would trust James, I don't want to spend the rest of my years relying on him to make my decisions for me.
I want to be free to make my own choices. I want to decide to stay with James because I care about him, not because of a life contract I'll be grudgingly forced to sign if I admit my feelings.
Not because I'm forced to stay with him by some rich assholes controlling the status quo and getting free labor from impoverished people who had no alternative.
I want to choose to stay with him because I want to stay with him.
Not because I have to.
I lower my gaze, backing down from his challenge. I can't do that.
At least, not yet. Maybe at some point I can talk him into changing the rules of our agreement and then it would be a different story.
Even if the A.E.D.P.'s methods are wrong, Riley was right.
There are things I want out of life that I could never have as a debtor. I want to find something I enjoy doing and pursue it.
Maybe I would even like to finish school.
Hell, even if I decided that staying with James like this is good enough for me, if we wanted to have children later in life, we wouldn't be allowed to.
I've received a birth control shot every year on check up day since I had my first period at 13.
All debtors are given birth control to prevent us from making more 'problems for the government to sort out'.
My mother wasn't a debtor until after she had my brother and I and that's the only reason we exist. If my mother hadn't met my father, if he hadn't taken care of her for five years, I wouldn't be here.
It's not okay for the government to tell debtors or women - to tell anyone - what they can and cannot do with their bodies.
"I have something to tell you," I say, my words impossibly quiet.
James releases me. He's no longer smirking, but he doesn't look annoyed either.
Well, he's not annoyed yet. But he's about to be.
James takes a seat on the sofa in his room, beckoning me over and I obey, taking the seat next to him. With a heavy sigh, I tell him everything.
How Kendra cornered me in the bathroom at dinner that night, about how she threatened me. I tell him everything Riley said to me, and how I so foolishly invited him here just yesterday.
I even tell him about the conversation I had with Mr. Brewer at my birthday party.
I tell him about the paperwork Riley left and about how I called Emily and told her that Riley was working with the rebels.
I leave nothing out and when I'm finally finished, I slowly glance up, meeting his gaze.
The anger in his violet eyes sends a jolt of panic through me.
"You disobeyed me," he starts, his jaw clenched in anger.
I shudder. "I know, Master. I'm sorry. I wouldn't have kept the truth from you if Kendra hadn't threatened me. It all went down hill from there," I say, every word drenched with regret.
"You disobeyed me," he repeats, a little more anger slipping out. Shit. He's pissed.
"I specifically told you not to get involved with the A.E.D.P. because I know how dangerous they are," he spits, and it sounds like he's trying hard not to explode on me.
"I-I guess I didn't fully... understand that until Riley said w-what he did," I stutter, swallowing back my fear.
James shuts his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose to calm his nerves. He stays that way for a long time until he finally sighs, meeting my gaze again.
"I... have something that I need to tell you too," he finally says, resignation lacing each word.
His words surprise me. I was expecting him to blow up on me. Instead, he has something to confess also.
I'm scared. What is he about to tell me?
James pulls his phone out, pulling something up. He clears his throat, and starts to read.
"Erin is already exhibiting little to no signs of rebellion," he says, before scrolling a ways and reading again.
"Erin's behavior hasn't changed in the last seven days. Still behaving as expected."
I stare at him in shock, hearing but not comprehending. What is this? What's going on?
He continues to read, small excerpts from messages that have been sent to someone. All of them are about me. About my behavior. What the fuck?
Finally, he stops, looking up from his phone. "Do you know what those were?" He asks me, glaring down at the floor.
I absently shake my head, terrified of what he's going to say next.
He takes a long deep breath. "They're fucking observation reports, Erin!" He snaps, running his shaking hands through his hair.
"W-what do you mean?" I ask him softly.
He swallows, and if I didn't know better I would think I saw tears in his eyes.
"I've been observing you."
"Why?" I demand, swallowing the thickness in my throat. No, I won't cry.
"Because the government asked me to."
His words slam into me like a cold wind, chilling me to the core. "Why?" I demand again, my voice cracking this time.
Why would he do this to me?
"Because the government is trying to find a way to make debtors happier; to keep them from trying to run or from committing suicide," he explains, rubbing his temple as if explaining all of this hurts.
Yeah well imagine how much it hurts me. Why would he do this to me? I thought he cared. I thought.... he was better than this.
"So they transferred several debtors to places more suited to their needs, instead of just placing them under the people they owed, to see if it would improve their happiness," he tells me.
I narrow my eyes at him, fighting hard to hold my tears now. "How dare you," I hiss at him. But I'm too shocked and hurt to explode.
So, I shut my eyes, taking a deep breath instead. "You let them use me as a lab rat?" I ask him, my words barely a whisper as I open my eyes again.
"And you didn't even tell me?" The tears start to fall then, and I don't try to stop them.
"I wasn't allowed to," he counters, tossing his hands out. As if that matters.
I laugh. It's a mirthless laugh, devoid of any humor. "You think that matters?" I ask him, a bitter smile plastered across my lips.
I wipe at my tears roughly, shaking my head at him. I can't believe he would do this to me.
"I'm sorry, Erin," he breathes out, clamping his eyes shut. "I was conflicted about it from the start," he admits, trying to find the right words.
I scoff. "Then why the fuck did you agree to it?!" I snap, shooting up from my seat.
He opens his eyes, staring at me for a long time.
I grimace at him as my tears continue to fall. This is not the reunion I was expecting.
"I can't handle this," I murmur to myself, darting for his bedroom door. I have to get out of here.
James follows after me, but I'm fast and I manage to make it out the front door before he catches up to me. The gloomy weather outside matches my mood perfectly. I start towards the gates, poised to leave.
"Erin, please wait!" James calls from behind me.
I stop, closing my eyes and taking in a deep breath to calm my nerves before turning to face him, opening my eyes.
"What?" I demand harshly, folding my arms over my chest as he closes the gap between us.
"I... please just come inside and let's talk about this," he pleads sadly.
"Why would I do that?" I demand ruefully.
James sighs. "Because we've both done things behind the other's back," he tries to reason. "We've both hurt each other."
I shake my head violently. I can't believe him. "No, I kept a few runins with the rebels from you," I hiss.
"And can you really blame me for that?" I ask him. "I've been a debtor since I was seven. Seven!" I snap through my tears.
"Can you just expect that I'd be content to remain a debtor for my entire fucking life!"
"Is it so wrong for me to be curious about what it would be like to be free? To wonder what other lives there are out there that I could be living?! Can you blame me for wondering what it would be like to get to choose my own path?"
My last few words are just a whisper.
James looks like he wants to pull me into his arms, but he obviously thinks better of it because he doesn't. He opens his mouth to speak, but he closes it again.
"You, on the other hand," I continue, still in shock over what he just told me.
"You let the government use me as a lab rat! And you didn't even think about how much that would hurt me. You didn't think to even tell me," I whisper to him, wiping at my tears again.
Then, I turn and continue towards the gates and this time, James doesn't stop me.
A/N: Ooooh the angst and drama. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! What do you think is going to happen next? Also, did you see what I did there when Erin was talking about birth control, lol. Anyways I hope you're still enjoying the story! I'll update again soon! Thanks for continuing to read His Slave! 🤍