Lifeless
I remembered being rushed to the hospital by Rhysand. Naalala ko rin kung paano ako nawalan ng malay sa loob ng sasakyan bago pa man ako mailabas ng mga nurse. Naalala ko ang paglabas ng napakaraming dugo mula sa akin... But that was it. The next thing I knew I'm already here in this white bed...
...with Rhysand crying so soundly beside me.
He was holding my hand. I felt his trembling against mine. His head was down and I saw how his tears drop from time to time. May malaking bahid ng dugo sa uniporme niya at parang natuyuan lang siya ng pawis. I've never seen him cry like this.
My chest pounded. Fear flushed through me as I gaze at my stomach. Kumunot ang noo nang parang may takip na iyon. Iba na rin ang suot ko. I had tubes all over me and there's a beeping sound on my mother side. A heart monitor.
"R-Rhy..." I mumbled his name.
In an instant, he looked up. Nabasag ang natitirang pagtitimpi sa mukha niya at mas lalo pa siyang napahagulgol nang makita ako. He kissed my hand before coming closer to me. He kissed my forehead for seconds before leaning on my shoulder. He tried to hide his quiet sobs there.
"W-What... happened?"
I slowly averted my face to see him. He just shook his head and continued crying. Dahan-dahan kong inabot ang mukha niya gamit ang kamay ko at pinaharap siya sa akin. He leaned on my palm against his cheek. "Hey..."
"What happened?" I repeated. I worriedly looked at him. Goodness... Mukha siyang hindi natulog ng dalawang araw. He looked paler too as if he hasn't eaten anything.
Mas lalo ng nanaig ang kaba sa akin.
I don't understand... Why was I here? D-Dapat may doctor na pinagising man lang ako. I learned that in cases like that such as bleeding, the mother needs to be awake... Dapat may gumising sa akin...
"Rhysand..."
"You went... You went through premature labor, Aria..." He said, sobbing.
He doesn't need to explain it to me any further. I immediately understood what he meant... Why he looks so miserable... Why he's crying like this... And why he just walked away after letting go of those words.
Pinagmasdan ko siyang lumabas ng pintuan sa isang iglap. Nagsimula na akong maiyak. He didn't even looked at me as he said those words... which means we had gone through worse.
A minute passed after he shut the door, somebody went inside. Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kakapasok lang at pinagmasdan ang mga kamay. I watch as they started to tremble.
"I'm so sorry," Leren muttered by the door. "The baby didn't make it, Aria..."
I felt my heart broke into pieces no one could ever mend again.
"Rhysand called me when you started bleeding... T-Tinawagan ko si mama para macontact niya ang iba pang mga doctor dito. But when you came, you loss a lot of blood already... Something happened to your placenta that endangered the baby's life. The doctors decided to take the baby out... dahil nawalan na ito ng airway. But you already loss consciousness,"
"They... They tried to revive her. The doctors had a hard time taking the baby out because your life's in danger too... A-At hindi na rin humihinga. Both of your heartbeats were slowing down during the operation. You're supposed to have a normal delivery, but because you loss consciousness, they had no choice but to perform a surgery... Hindi naging madali iyon d-dahil n-nagflatline ka na..." She gulped as if she couldn't believe she just witnessed something like this. She shouldn't be involved here after all.
But with Rhysand gone, she knew I needed someone to explain this to me... To talk to me out of this... I needed someone with me now and she knew too well that without Rhysand, I had no one else. Maliban nalang sa kanya na alam ang sitwasyon ko.
"They tried to save you both, Aria... D-Dahil sa komplikasyon na nangyari sa katawan mo, sabi ng mga doctor mahihirapan ka na daw ulit na mabuntis... It's going to be hard and too risky..."
I thought I'd be fne if ever this happens... dahil sa una palang hindi ko naman ginustong mabuntis... But I never expected it's going to be this painful. I've never cried so loud in my entire life in a room with someone who's not even close to me. I've never been this lifeless... especially when she mentioned that I might not get pregnant again.
One of my dreams was to be a mother that I've always wanted to have. At ngayon parang kinuha na sa akin ang karapatan na 'yun sa isang iglap.
If I knew this is what we'll suffer, I wished I took good care of my baby more...
My baby... My baby girl... I was so close... I was close to holding you... We were almost there.
Rhysand and I, we lost her... We lost the baby... I lost our baby girl.
Nawalan ako ng anak...
It finally sank in to me. I hugged my knees and pushed myself at the headboard of the bed as if a single touch of someone now would completely make me hysterical.
Seven months. All the seven months... are for nothing now. Ang halos araw-araw na pag-aaral at pagtatrabaho ni Rhysand para sa amin ay napunta nalang sa wala. All the money he spent and saved for my pregnancy were all for nothing. All those months of waiting...
My baby...
"I'm so sorry, Aria..." Leren whispered before sitting beside me. She tried to reach me but I rejected her hand.
I hugged myself tighter and broke down. This is the loneliest I've been. I couldn't help but to think why did Rhysand left me if both of us are suffering because of this? Why would he left when he knew too well that we're good at sharing each other's pain than suffering alone?
Was it because he knew that the future he planned for us was now fading? Kasi... kahit anong gawin namin ngayon, hinding-hindi na kami magiging pamilya pa.
---
The night came and my tears just stopped. Leren left to eat while Rhysand hasn't come back yet. A part of me feels sorry for him... Pagkatapos niyang ibigay sa akin ang lahat ng pangangailangan ko ay ito ang mangyayari. Pagkatapos niya akong piliin kaysa sa pamilya, ito pa ang nangyari sa amin. I just hope he doesn't blame himself for this.
I heard the door opened and closed. I was hoping to hear Rhysand's voice. Wala na akong pakialam sa ginawa niya. I'm still desperate. I need him right now... We need each other the most right now...
"Rhy--"
My eyes widened when I saw the most unexpected woman that I would ever see again. Napaigtad ako nang makita ang mukha ni Tita Rhea sa dulo ng kama. Nakasuot siya ng isa sa damit ng mga nurse na pumapasok rito. I didn't move. I stayed at the very edge of the bed. W-What is she doing here?
"Tita--"
"Rhysand will be here any minute now. He's going to say goodbye to you." she said straightforward enough for me to understand what she said immediately.
I was stunned. "Pero Tita..."
"You'll never going to be a part of his life again. I'll make sure of that..." She firmly said. "He's leaving. And as for you, as a mother, I feel sorry for you. Pero para sa akin mas mabuti na rin ito. At least you get to continue your life as a young adult, right? Go back to school and apologize to your parents. I'm sure in time you'll move on."
She doesn't meant any of that sincerely. I know she's telling me all of this just to settle her matters with me. But she's not even trying to understand me. To see how this affects me so much. Nandito lang siya para sabihin sa akin ang gusto niyang sabihin.
She has no right to tell me what should I do after this. A person can never decide for someone who had never known what's like to be in their situation. No matter how smart you are, you shouldn't criticize things you don't even understand just to make a point so you could sound smart on someone's ears.
Walang silbi na ang lahat ng sasabihin niya ngayon sa akin. I'm already done. I'm broken. We're broken. Our baby's gone...
Bumuntong hininga siya bago binuksan na ulit ang pintuan.
"You ruined my family," she muttered before heading out. "I will never, in my entire life, be able to find it in my heart to forgive you because of that."
Malakas na bumagsak ang pintuan sa pagsira niya. Mariin akong pumikit at hindi na inisip ang mga sinabi niya. I used to like her and Tito Santi, but I couldn't blame her on the why she treats me right now. Me and Rhysand became very irresponsible and she has the right to be angry.
Hindi nagtagal ay pumasok na ang sinasabi niyang kasama niya. Neither of us had the strength to face each other until he took the first step. He slowly walked towards me. His eyes is as swollen as mine, but his fists were closed like he's mad at something. Or at someone.
Hindi ko na kailangan pang mag-isip kung ano iyon. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want to leave.
"Saan ka pupunta?" Tanong ko nang makalapit siya.
He glanced at the side of the bed first where the tube connected my stomach is most visible before looking at me. "London," he answered coldly.
"I've made the worst mistake that I could ever do to you..." He spoke quietly.
"You're right. You don't deserve this... You don't deserve me... I know you may want to push me away right now, but leaving you completely was never an option for me, Aria."
"I want you to know that I choose you over anyone I love not because you're pregnant with my child or because you needed me, but because I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with you..." He looked away, frustrated at the same broken. Alam na niya kung saan na ang papatanguhan at sinasabi niya lang ang lahat ng kailangan niyang sabihin sa akin ngayon.
He's trying to save our relationship one last time.
"Let's runaway again, Aria..." He muttered a familiar plead then went closer to me. Umupo siya sa tabi ko at tuluyan nang nagsilabasan ulit ang mga luha sa mga mata niya.
I began crying again when I saw his tears. "Haven't you ever thought... for once... that I could be so much more without you, Rhysand?"
"And that you could be so much more without me too?" I sobbed. He only shook his head over and over again.
"I love you... as a friend, as a lover, as my partner, as my soulmate... But this isn't how our lives should be... I need you to understand that. A-Alam kong ayaw mong magkahiwalay tayo... Alam kong natatakot ka... We've never lived apart before. We're always right next door... We're always there for each other. You understand me more than anyone I know and I understand you more than anyone does too... But Rhysand, we're slowly breaking each other..."
I breathed for air before I reached for his face. He's so mad right now. I can see it in his face. He's so mad that I'm letting him leave and that I'm completely giving up our relationship. But this is for good. I hope he sees that. We can't fix anything if we don't fix ourselves first.
"Hindi ko kayang araw-araw kang nakikita na nahihirapan at wala man lang akong magawa para sayo dahil nahihirapan rin ako. We lost both of our families... We had a fucking controversy... I lost my education... You're slowly losing yours and every job you had... I've been so ashamed of myself... And you cheated on me..." Napailing-iling ako habang nagsasalita. "We were so different from who we were before..."
"We can runaway from the world, but we can't runaway from each other. And I guess that's the problem..." I smiled weakly.
"We had expectations on how our relationship's going to be. And if everything turns out the way we weren't expecting, we had no idea how to move forward from there... Huwag na nating ulitin iyon."
"What happened to us keeping each other? What about that, Aria?" He choked as he asked, crying.
"We can still do that..." I slowly nodded at him. "I'll keep you in my heart, Rhysand Alexander Castiel... And it doesn't need to matter if we're together or not."
***
-kimsyzygy