Phil took Haley in her's and Alex room, where Sophie, Alex and Luke already were, covering her mouth
"Ew. Ew. Dad, gross. Your hand smells like cheese!"
"I didn't want to dirty a knife. Sit. Now, we all know when Nana Dede comes to visit, your mom can get a little..."
"Psycho?"
"Scary?"
"Drunk?"
"Angry?"
"All true. Therefore, I need you guys to be on your best behavior"
"Don't worry. Me and Sophie will keep to ourselves. I have to practice for my cello recital" Alex said
"And I have to practice for my piano's" Sophie said
"Ohh, fine. You know what? If it keeps you out of your mom's hair, yes, do that. Luke, if your mom starts to lose it, I need you to lighten the mood by being extra cute"
"No problem. I've got some stuff prepared."Hey, mom, I'm 'firsty.'" Heh? Adorable, right?"
"Yeah, that's... that's good"
"Don't worry. It works better in my jammies"
Later, Dede was outside the door and Alex and Sophie were playing "Jaws" theme with their instruments
"Hey, mom. Dad and Nana just pulled in" Luke told Claire while Sophie and Alex continued playing the "Jaws" theme
"Aah!" Dede greeted Claire with a smile
"Oh, wow" Claire said forcing a smile
"Claire bear!"
"Ohh"
"Oh, my sweet girl! Gosh, I forget that you're all grown up" Dede told her
"Yeah"
"You know, in my mind, you're still 12. Well, look at us... just two old ladies" Dede said and they both laughed
Later
"So, anyways, you'll ever guess who I saw at the airport" Dede told her
"Mm. Who's that?"
"Robbie Sullivan"
Robbie... my Robbie Sullivan from high school? God, I haven't seen him in...years. Decades, really" Claire said
"I always liked him. And as I recall, the two of you couldn't keep your hands off each other" Dede said
"Oh, really, mom?" Sophie asked
"That's...not true" Claire said
"It is true. I read it in your diary" Dede told Claire
"You read my diary!"
"Well...Yeah. I-I read it because I wanted to see if you were on drugs. It's called parenting, Claire"
"Mm-hmm. So, mom..."
"Okay, buddy. We're gonna need you on the front lines sooner than expected. Are you ready to be cute?" Phil asked Luke
"Please"
"Go get 'em"
"Hi, mommy. My tummy's growling. Can I have some pas-ghetti?" Luke told Claire hugging her
"Sweetie, you're hurting me. And take a shower tonight. Your hair smells like cheese" Claire said and the the doorbell rang
"I'll get it" Dede said
"Okay, I need a giant lollipop, and I need it now" Luke said going back to Phil
"Oh, there's my girl!" A man said
"Oh, my God"
"Robbie?!" Claire asked
"Look at you!" Robbie said
"Surprise! I invited him to dinner!" Dede said
"What?" Claire asked
"Didn't I tell you she'd be excited?" Dede told Robbie
"Huh? I... Uh-huh. I don't know what to say" Claire said
"Well, maybe a fuzzy navel wine cooler will loosen you up. Sure used to"
"Ohh..."
"Hey, honey, who's this?" Phil asked
"This is, um...Robbie...My boyfriend from when I was 17 years old, whom my mom invited to dinner" Claire told him
"Phil Dunphy" Phil greeted Robbie
"Hey, Phil. How do you know Claire?"
"I know Claire from being married to Claire"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa" Robbie said
"U-um...Wait a minute. Uh...Mom didn't mention that I'm married with four kids?"
"No. All she said was that you were still trying to figure out your life"
"Really?" Claire asked
"Yeah" After that Sophie stopped listening to the conversation and started texting Harry
Later
"Whoa. You came here in a limo?" Luke asked Robbie
"Yep. That's right, little dude"
"Are you rich?" Luke asked him
"Luke, that's not polite. Maybe Robbie isn't rich, but he needs a limo because he has a lot of DUIs" Phil said
"Nope. It's nothing like that. The truth is, Luke, I am rich, but not with money. I've got my abs, I've got my hair, and I've got a super-sweet job driving that limo outside"
"Cool"
"It is cool"
"Hey, Luke, who's taller?Me or your dad?" Robbie asked Luke
"Oh... I don't think we need to...I am just wearing socks, buddy" Phil said
Later, they were all sitting at the table after eating
"Well, you know, we didn't want to break curfew" Claire said
"Curfew?! Oh, right. As if you two ever honored a curfew"Dede told her
"I love your stories, Nana. Keep on goin'" Sophie said earning "that" look from her Mom
"Your father used to scare the crap out of me" Robbie told Claire
"Mm-hmm"
"Well, evidently not enough to keep you from sneaking in at 3:00 in the morning. I didn't know whether to punish you or make you pancakes" Dede said
"Claire, you remember that time we cut school and we went out to the pier..."
"Mm-hmm"
"...And we played that game, and you won the..."
"Giant panda bear!"
"The panda bear, right"
"Yeah. Yes"
"Yeah"
"Do you remember what we did after that?"
"Yes"
"Hey, do you still like roller coasters?" Robbie asked Claire
"Not this one" Claire told him
"You know, Robbie was a rogue, but he could charm your socks off. Although I doubt he stopped there" Dede and Phil chuckled and Haley and Sophie choked
"Wow, mom" Sophie said
"Mom?" Claire said looking at Dede
"We're all adults here, honey, pretty much"
"Okay, I think we're... we're done" Claire said
"Yeah, well, I better get going. I've got an early-morning run, celebrity client"
"Don't ask me who. Let's just say that if I'm late, I'll be in Jeopardy" Robbie said earning some gasps
"Who is Alex Trebek?"
"Uh, he's a game-show host"
"Why?"
"No reason"
"Claire" Robbie called
"Yes?"
"This was incredible. Thanks a lot"
"S-so great.It was so great"
"So good to see you"
"I know"
"You look so good. Catching up was so fun"
"Really good"
"Hey, you... you take good care"
"You take good care, now"
"Yes"
"Ohh, let's do it. Let's do that"
"I'll walk you out" Dede told Robbie
"Bye!" Haley said
"Really, mom?" Sophie asked chuckling
"I was young"
"I thought he was sexy" Haley said
"Go to your room" Claire told her
"Okay" Haley said and both her and Sophie left
The day after, they all went to Lily's party
"So...Where is she?Where's mom?" Claire asked after greeting everyone
"Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with" Jay said
"Oh, no. I thought she was coming with you" Mitchell said
"Oh, no, no. I haven't seen mom since... let's see... oh, she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night" Claire said
"What?"
"Yeah"
"No, my God!"
"Yeah. Yeah. And then she took off with him, didn't come back to the house until after I was asleep, and then this morning left a cute little note that said, "having breakfast with Robbie!"
"What the hell is she doing? He's half her age!" Jay said
"Don't say it"
"I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful. It has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be" Gloria said
"What's wrong with her?" Sophie asked
"She was a little nervous about Dede being here, so she tried her first Xanax, washed it down with a sh*t of tequila" Jay explained
"Ay, look at the princess. It's so beautiful" Gloria said
"Really? 'Cause I don't see it" Cam said
"There's the birthday girl!" The princesse said
"Glitter?That'll settle in her lungs"
"So, I wanted to ask what method of payment you prefer...Cash, credit card, check?" Cam asked the princesse
"Why, princesses don't get paid, except maybe in laughter and sparkles" She said
"That's nice.But I really need to know"
"All I ask is that a little girl's birthday wishes..."Come true"
"Miss, seriously, if you want to get paid, I need to..."
"Fine. You can make the check out to party stars incorporated"
"Never break character. Never, ever!" Cam told her
"But..."
"But" nothing. When I was a clown, my shoe caught on fire, and one of my fellow clowns put me out with a bucket of flammable confetti"
"Hey Mom, did you know Nana was going to bring Robbie to the party?" Sophie asked her Mom
"No, why-I cannot believe it. She brought him to the party!" Claire said noticing Dede and Robbie
"Oh, my God!"
"I'm gonna k*ll her. I'm gonna..." Claire said and started walking up to Dede
"Stop. No, not... not now. The last thing I need is some big scene, Claire" Mitchell said stopping her
"You know, she's doing this just to t*rture me. Mm-hmm" Claire said
"No, no. She's doing this to get back at me because I didn't let her stay with us" Mitchell told her
"You're both wrong. This is about me. I got the young girl. She had to get the young guy" Jay told both of them
"Well, these are all good point" Sophie said and then left to get a coke
"You swooped!" Everyone stayed silent when they heard Claire yelling at Dede
"She accused me of trying to steal my old boyfriend from her"
"Okay, fine, but make it quick" Mitchell told her
"Why does everything have to be so hard with you? Why can't you just be a normal old grandma?! Why do you...You come in here, it's some sort of sick game for you to just push people and push people and push people and see how far you can push them!"
"And so fine...Look at me!You win! You win!I'm screaming at a princess party, mom!"
"Claire. Claire..."
"I'm screaming at a princess party!"
"Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire"
"Robbie?I think maybe, you know, you should take off"
"Yeah, yeah, look, I hear you, Phil.Uh, but between you and me...I'm getting some serious vibes from the princess over here, and I'd kind of like to play that out. Oh"
"Hey. Time to go" Jay told Robbie
"Hey, Mr. P. How you been?"
"I'm doing good.But I never liked you in the basement with my daughter, and I don't like you here with my ex"
"You know, your little intimidation game may have worked on me when I was a kid, but I'm a full-grown man now...And I think I should go" Robbie said and then left