I lay in my bed as I get in my room. My feet dangle in the side flipping my slippers off. I rub my temple, hoping it could thwart off what had happened to me this day. I send a desperate prayer as I shut my eyes hard. Hoping it could erase everything I had seen today. Earlier, I want this day to end fast so I can eventually get rid of the unwanted long-gone familiar feelings that's been building up. When it shoudn't be in the first place had I listen to my gut. When we're going back from the water, I had wished time would slow a bit. I had wished the sun would leisurely descend and rise to the other parts of the Earth so we won't go back yet. This is crazy. I am crazy. I'm not meant to do mundane things. I've become---
Somebody's knocking hard on the door. Then I hear Samantha hollers from outside.
"Daemon! Let me in!" the fierceness in her voice startles me. I get up and turn the knob. I back away immediately as she throws the door open.
"What's the problem?" I look at her bemused.
"I don't have. You're the one who has a problem here." she said angrily.
"What?"I look at her still bemuse. She's staring at me hard. I stare at her for a brief second then slap my forehead. I groan inside. How could have I forget it?
"Samantha listen, I need to change my name because I remind her of the person she hated so I agreed when she ask me to. It's no big deal."
"Why would it bother you? Does changing your name give her amnesia that your name is not Daemon?" she snap.
"No. But she's here to mend herself. And everytime she calls my name, she can't bring it without adding the second. And it annoyed me." I said calmly. It really annoyed me so I need not to feign my expression in front of my sister. I hate how I can't hide my feelings to anyone. It's always plastered in my face, giving myself away.
"Are you really trying to help her, or yourself?" she narrows her eye. I stare at her blankly. But I believe my expression depicts confusion because she tilted her head and cock her brow. I grope for a word to say because at this very moment, she just mentioned the thing I couldn't bring myself to admit. Aren't I? I didn't even want to analyze about it earlier. I hate to form the words in my head much more to hear it the Samantha's way. I look away and pretended to fix my things.
"What?" I said laughing, "I don't know what you're talking about, Sam. Karina initiated to change my name. I couldn't have done it if she did not request."
"Did she pick the name?" I'm on my knees bending beside my bed to get my slippers and stop midway. I grip the edge of the bed and stares at the darkness under it. I slowly stand up and face her, trying hard to appear calm and innocent. Her arms' fold in front, brow still cock, expecting. That familiar look on her face makes me wince inside. She's waiting for ammunition to fire her old litany. So naturally, I brace myself...
...By turning around and walking toward the window. This will gonna be long night and honestly, I'm tired. She tap her feet on the floor. I heave a deep breath and focus my gaze at the ocean. "I did." I said hastily in low voice.
I heard her sigh heavily. As if she's been holding that breathe for a long time.
"Because you need a reminder of who you are and what you shouldn't do?" she asks. But it's almost a statement. Verbatim is always been the worst way to express a scathing truth. Samantha seems to have a talent in that area.
"Yes. Look Sam, I'm really tired. This is really nonsense. Please leave."
"Daemon you know you can't do this. Ethan's gone. And for heaven's sake, wake up. You don't want this! You don't need this." she's fuming now.
"Sam I'm on my last year when the school open's again. And you sound like I'm choosing a life of hell. It's not good. It's wrongful in all ways. Samantha please, I'm really tired of this conversation. A year from now I'll be officially established. So please stop this okay? Please." I face her to let her know how serious I am.
"I'm tired of this too. But I just can't sit here and let you live miserably the life you choose to take."
"Miserably? God Sam. Do you ever hear yourself say that? I'm choosing Him and you tell me I'll be living a miserable life?" I'm mad now. She just doesn't have the right to insult me. And Him. She's crossing the line. I didn't expect her to say that. Never once in all her grievance she had tell me that thing.
"Maybe you WILL not be living a miserable life. Because Daemon, you've worked up a dark miserable life long before. You've built a wall of lies in yourself with mom. If I go about precluding you from a life with Him, it's not because I find it wrongful. I can revel to it for more ways than one because not every family can have a member inside a clergy. I would love to see you in it under different circumstance, not in this situation. Not to these grounds."
My eyes widen for a second before I give her a dark shot the moment she said the last sentence. No. She can't possibly bring it up again. I run my hand on my hair in frustration, the other rest on my hips. "We are not talking about it Samantha. I am your older brother and I deserve a respect notwithstanding the fact that you can't come around with my decisions." I said clenching my teeth. She look shock and apologetic for a second. But as she retreat her pace a step, her face becomes impassive again.
I can see her biting the inside of her cheeks. So I know, behind that stoic stance, she's a bit tense and faze. We share that little tic. "Did you tell Karina?" She said without the effort of moving her lips. She's still Samantha though.
"No."
"Why? You told Bethany and Clarissa and Wendy and all the other girls the second hour you've been with each of them."
I did not reply. I have been asking myself that exact question the whole day.
"I see how you look at her Daemon. When you first went out of the elevator this morning with her, you look at her as if she's some kind of a precious jewel you want but can't hold. The guilt and pain in your face is indescribable and unbearable. I thought you'd let her go, and forget you even laid your eyes on her. But no, you chase her pace and attempt for a conversation. I almost choked on my food there at the front desk. It's the first time in 5 years that I see that---
"Stop, stop, stop. Please. Samantha. Please leave the room now. You're talking nonsense. And don't you dare bring up Cassandra again." I control my voice to prevent it from shaking. Of all the words I need her to enunciate, it is this morning's stance that I needed the least. It's like she's getting inside my personal space and peeking at every hole of the wound I'm making for me.
I feel like regretting all the days I've worked out to teach her how to speak. I can't stand another of her for the next minute of this one night so I walk towards the door. I open it for her. She steps towards the door. But the moment her eyes flickered back at me I know she's not done yet. I instinctively close my eyes and lean my forehead on the side of the door.
"Daemon, you're dead. Ethan is living in you. You know in yourself why you are doing this. You're fucked up. You're not living with Him. You're living with a ghost." her icy tone cut me off.
I turn to face her. Expecting to meet a dark eyes. But there's none. I wince. She's not mad. She's hurting. Her eyes watered as she brought out those words. I look at the floor, biting the inside of my cheeks. She step outside and I virtually slam the door.
I wish Samantha will stop overthinking. I wish she'll get over this and let me be where I'm supposed to be. She's been holding her hopes high. Sometimes she's acting like she's 10 years older than me. It's all just a wordly desire. Nothing more. If I'm attracted with Karina, then it's all because I'm human, after all. And I'm not the only one who experiences this intermittent reaction. All of us inside. We've talked about it a lot of times. And we can only have to put up the best of our defenses to overcome such desire. It's our faith. It's our devotion that willed us to continue. The atmosphere inside is so overwhelming magnificent that close out the materialistic attraction brought about by corporeal desire.
Never once I imagine myself with someone. Never once I imagine myself turning my back on Him simply because of a girl. Never once I long for something more than I can take. Never once I doubted that I'm meant for this vocation. Never once I feel the need to say this all. Never once I ponder upon my life inside.
Never once I feel the urge to remind this to myself a hundred times a day.
And Samantha's lethal words suddenly hit me like a bullet full of thorns. It sore and it's damn frustrating. I know the issue is more than Karina. And I'm sure we still have this innuendo without other woman involved. And it aggravates me more that we're doing this because, undeniably, there's a woman involved. Damn!
The rapid rise and fall of my chest leave me breathless. I grip hard the doorknob and lean my back on the door, so weak I let myself slide down. When I reach the floor, the crystal blood come gushing out. I rest my elbows on my knees and pull my hair. The crystal blood still on the go. I cried silently. I don't even know why I'm crying right now. I wish He doesn't hear me. I'm a shame. I'm weak. I don't deserve Him. I raise my head and look at the door through my sanctum. Dad refurbish that room 10 years ago for me. I pull myself up and lock myself inside it. I've been here before I went to Karina's room this morning. Asking for divine guidance.
I felt this kind of strong emotion 5 years ago. I have known a girl back in college who unintentionally captured my heart. I fought hard to overcome it. It was a nightmare. I have full knowledge that it's not going to work. That nothing is going to happen between us for I know where I'm heading after my bachelor's degree. It hurts so much to let her go. I didn't tell her why. I don't want her to know I lead her to nonentity. I prayed hard. And ask for divine guidance. I succeeded. Now, the nightmare's back.
I hate to ask this, but, God, why do you keep on giving this feelings when you know it's beyond possible? This is too much. This is not fair. I have given all myself but you let me fail you. Please stop this.
I sit on the floor cross-leg and bury my face in my hands. Crystal bloods are incessant. I cry myself to sleep afraid that if I don't get over this, He would completely pull the rug under me. I can't bear it.
He can't simply do this to me.
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