The Misadventures of Karina and Daemon

N o wO rN e v e r (D)

Corporeal desire is inevitable. There's nothing wrong when you feel that hard on between your legs. In our vocation, it only becomes wrong when you act upon that certain natural occurrence.

Maybe this is formidable and debasing to admit, but some people in this calling, ordained or not, are not adhering to the vow of celibacy. Some theology students bail themselves out by putting into account that they're just a students until they're ordained, and proclaim as official priest. Although it doesn't totally concurred to what our vocation entails, they practically made it as a credence until later on they--the subsequent generations--, forgot that someone with uncontrolled letch just made that consensus. Though I doubt that they will stop it even after we are ordained. It's profound in our vocation. I even witness a few and heard plenty and read some.

Them and woman. Them and another man.

It's not really surprising. You can find the worst breacher worthy of incrimination from the place where they will be less suspected. I guess that simply how the world works.

No. I am no angel. But following Ethan's death, I think I didn't just vow for celibacy, I vowed in perfection. Almost everyone in the academe calls me Angel, and my face adds a little ground to it, I have to admit. Anyway, Ethan had died thinking that his calling is God-sent and everyone in there is God-like. And from the time he woke up that his calling is serving the clergy, he led an irreproachable life. I don't know how he cope with it when he's so young. Where curiosity and impiousness becomes twin. I don't understand where his zeal is coming from. All I felt that time was annoyance and ennui toward his work because I got no one to play with and talk to.

Then one day I explore his world and learn to love it. He earns me an utmost respect when I knew what life he was in. Then feel deeply resentful that he did not live to continue it. So I vowed to finish it. As I have implied, you see that I learned the hard way that Ethan's chosen world is not at all perfect. I feel disappointed and hurt in his behalf. But I am sure that he died without getting a glimpse of what lies on the other side of what he thought is a perfect world. Again, I vowed to preserve his innocence and be the man I know he will be when he only has given the chance.

And I betrayed him. Big time.

The other night, when Karina approach me in the beach, my body automatically reacted. When I held her waist, I was so scared I'd give in. But thank God I did not. Earlier, if she was not in danger of falling face down, I wouldn't have put my hands on her arms. Because the moment I touch her, my skin burns. And every part of me tingles. When she sat in my bed, her skirt moves up to her thigh. I fix my eyes on the floor and tried hard to concentrate on what she's talking about. The erratic beat of my heart pull back my tongue.

And when she professed, I have to haul myself from the bed and instinctively distance myself. I was shaking and all. Every time I look at her, I feel the urge to grab her and kiss her and do everything I can to make her feel that it's okay. That even if I am a family man, it's okay.

God bless me. But I really thought that time that even if I have a wife and children, I'd still do what I imagine I'll do. But hell no. I can't make her feel it's okay because it will never be okay to fall in love with me. I am no family man. Nor an ordinary man. I feel like I have failed Ethan even if nothing happened between us. Because last night, the way she looks at me, and the way I stare at her, I knew something is going on. It feels like our hearts make love every time we look at each other. So they are producing more hearts. I think this has been happening since the first time we laid eyes on each other.

Now I really need to go because I don't know how many hearts our hearts will make when we see each other once more. Linda called me and said she had tucked her to bed after changing her clothes. She also cleaned up all the empty bottles of beer. I remember cursing Samantha when I learned it's half a case. Then Linda said we need a serious talk.

Well, I don't think so.

I think it's better if I'll go silently. I'm just thankful how terrible she is as a judge. Maybe she'll doubt her own intuition. This is just another part of my arduous journey. I'll get by. Now, I need to rest.

This is the worst Saturday of my life.

But maybe not the worst day yet.

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I've fully pack my clothes even before we went to Bulabog Beach. But this desire growing inside me cannot be help. I know leaving her without disclosing my vocation is plain and simple and harmless. She will eventually learn of this sometime later and probably she had long overcome her feelings for me by that time.

But I can't bear it. I can't leave her like this. I want her to know because I want her to understand. I don't want her to hate me. I can't take it. So I'm knocking in front of her door now. I think I'm already standing for 5 minutes here before I decided to knock.

I wish she's bluffing when she said she will remember what she had said in her drunken state. This will be easy if that's the case.

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