Winter melts quickly into spring. Exams are coming up sooner than any of us want to admit and I want to try and squeeze in a real date with Clara before we get too busy.
I'm ashamed to say that, despite her agreeing to be my girlfriend over two months ago, we still haven't found the time to go on a proper date. We see each other at school, at orchestra and she's now constantly dividing her time between my sister and I at our house or out and about, but it's not the same. It's not a date.
We haven't exactly gone about starting our relationship in the usual way, but I still want the same experiences. I want first date nerves, learning all about each other, that horrible nervous excitement you get in the pit of your stomach.
When lunch rolls around I slide into the chair next to her, watching as she laughs at a story that Kia is animatedly telling. I think it's about a horse but to be honest, I'm not really paying attention.
Clara's hand automatically weasels its way into mine, flashing me a smile before returning her attention to my sister.
I squeeze it softly in mine, playing with her fingers until my sister has finished hogging her attention.
Michael comes to my rescue, swooping down and stealing a kiss on Kia's cheek, ultimately rendering her red and speechless. I take my moment quickly, knowing that speechlessness does not render my sister silent for long.
"Do you have plans this weekend?" I ask Clara quietly, trying to ignore Michael as his fingers fondle my sister. Okay, so he's prodding her but really, it's the same.
"Mmm nope." Clara says, her eyes shining with preempted excitement.
"Would you..did you want to maybe...go on a date?" I ask quickly.
"About time." Kia interrupts and I glare at her sharply.
"I'd love to." Clara says sweetly and I nod, inwardly pleased but on the other hand, I am now expected to have a date planned.
I smile easily, leaning back as Kia rolls her eyes and steals my soulmates attention once again. I take advantage of the moment and meet Michael's gaze with my own panicked stare.
"What the fuck do I do?" I mouth and he laughs silently, shrugging unhelpfully.
I heave a sigh and wrack my brain, nearly hurting myself trying to think of something special enough for my first date with my soulmate. I know it doesn't matter much, in the grand scheme of things, but it does to me.
I jot down a few ideas on my phone and as soon as college finishes, I race home to work on my plan.
I get creative with coloured card, I plan out every step of the evening nearly to the minute and even borrow some props from my (reluctant) mother.
"Be careful, Kit, please! That was your grandmothers!" My mum says, her anxiety clear in her voice as I clink down the hallway on Saturday morning.
"What on earth are you doing with that?" Kia asks, watching from her doorway and I smile sneakily.
"It's for my date." I murmur and she looks even more perplexed.
"Are you taking her to a cemetery?" She asks and I roll my eyes.
I pack my bag with everything I'll need and anxiously wait until the time comes to meet Clara. I'm in comfy, warm clothes as it's still a bit cold out and I'm sweating in them by the time comes to leave.
"Everything will be fine, Kit." My mum says, soothing me as I shrug on my jacket.
"I know." I mumble, checking for the ten thousandth time that I have everything I could possibly need.
I meet Clara at the train station and quietly marvel at how beautiful she looks. She's in a little dark green dress and a black overcoat, nothing special but she looks incredible.
"Ready to go?" I ask anxiously and she nods, her hand slipping into mine easily.
"Where are we going?" She asks but I shake my head.
"It's a surprise." I say and she nods, her eyes flickering warily to the unnerving metallic clinking sound that's emanating from my backpack.
I suppose that could come across as a little concerning, but Clara doesn't say anything.
The train doesn't take long, about twenty minutes, but during that time I twist my fingers so violently that I'm sure I'll break them in the grip of my sweaty palms. The pressure seems to have gotten to me and I can't break the tragic 'what if' thought circle.
What if she has the worst time? What if she never agrees to another date again? What if I trip and fall in the river? Or light her on fire by accident? I don't seem to have any logic left in me, my mind coming up with each scenario that's worse than the one before.
Clara watches the scenery pass in the window, but even I notice her concerned, surreptitious glances. She dives forwards suddenly, rummaging through her little bag and I momentarily stop what I'm doing to watch her.
She brings out a pen with an enormous grin and reaches to a discarded newspaper in front of us.
"Any good at crosswords?" She asks, flipping to the puzzle page and I bite my lip.
"I'm terrible, so you can't physically be worse than me." She reassures, holding the page between us. She chooses a clue and reads it out, her voice gentle and soothing.
"A distinct period of history with a unique characteristic, three letters." She muses and I exhale shakily.
"Era." I mumble. Clara smiles and jots it down quickly, not even hesitating.
"Okay...next one..."La Traviata," e.g., five letters." She says quietly, her eyes darting to the little boxes as her brows crinkle.
"Opera." I say.
"Opera, that's brilliant, Kit." She says, shooting me a grin as she hurries to put it in the puzzle.
It goes on this way until we reach our station, Clara reading out the clues and me focusing on all the possible answers. I suspect that she knew the answers to half of the clues she read to me, but the wily minx seems to know how to soothe me better than I do.
My cheeks burn with embarrassment, wishing she didn't have to deal with this, with me. If she were luckier, or I was better, she wouldn't have to live with it like I do.
I lead her along the river embankment, smiling as I watch Clara's eyes sparkle at the fairy lights in the trees.
When we reach the little bench, she quirks a questioning eyebrow at me but doesn't say anything.I dig around in my rucksack, firstly pulling out a thick, warm blanket and place it on the bench.
"Please, take a seat." I say, smiling playfully as she takes my arm and settles onto the bench like it's a seat at a five star restaurant.
"Okay, now close your eyes." I ask and she does so with a little smile twitching on her lips.
I dig out the rest of the things in my bag, laying them out perfectly before allowing her to open her eyes.
When she does, she glances round with wide, glistening eyes and for a terrible moment I wish I'd planned something a bit more elaborate.
The old lantern filled with candles suddenly seems old-fashioned, the little food and drink menu I'd written by hand now looks childish and the petals surrounding us feel cheap.
When she sniffles I feel my heart stop and I can't stop my fingers from clenching around my wrists, my nails digging viciously into my flesh.
"Sorry, if you don't like it, we can do something different." I say, my voice barely a whisper.
She takes in the lantern, the menu, the petals and the twinkling reflection of the fairy lights on the river and she laughs.
"I love it." She says, meeting my anxious gaze with a beaming smile.
She takes a deep breath, shaking her head as she laughs again.
"No one has ever done..anything like this for me." She admits, her hands laying limply in her lap and I frown.
"Thank you, Kit." She says gently and I smile. Her eyes are aglow with something more than gratitude and my chest swells at the adoration reflected back at me.
"Anything for you." I mumble, taking her soft hand in mine.
And I find that I mean it.